Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hey,
I have gone thru a lil more than this....I am not writing in detail, u can view my previous posts\"; left my hubby\"; and other...
I tried to save my relationship by not giving my mother-in-law a chance of complaint, she spent first 6 months of my marriage with us in US..always accompanying
with us on our trips..Kitchen was all her's and so many other restrictions....
Anyways, she left for India...then it was the turn of SIS ...she came ...she fought....over pity things...I didn't cut onions for her......etc.etc.
In the meanwhile MIL (on phone)used to programm
her son against me....that she was not
respected by me and therefore she will not visit him ever again...
Later after two years I came to India with my husband ...here another SIS
tried to make programs with him for going out and leaving my back home..
I never used to complain about his sisters or mother as I knew this can
only cause tension between both of us..

To some extent i was successful by being a non complaining, obidient,
soft spoken wife.But it was high time now that my husband should understand the reality and stop this interefernce.
Instead he asked me to leave..

And that was the end of my patience!!!
I came home with my parents..and since then there is no contact from him..
I feel its not only me but he should have also tried to save our marriage. I had told him several times that because of his family interference we might have to separate one day.....!


I have full support of my family here..
Well I still love my husband a lot and want to save my marriage..but now its his turn to decide what does he want from his life??Even if he comes back
doesn't solve the problem....
Untill he realises the truth....
which I cannot do as he won't believe
me.
I just had a thought ....the story everywhere is same...Can we use this discussion board to make our husbands
familiar with the reality? Can we make them think seriously like this...
If we send them links from this site
thru each others Email-ID.Can it help any further?
Mani

DEAR LADIES, i read thru most of ur msgs. and have been hearing all the sad realities of my married friends, my relatives, have exeprienced atrocities myslef in life.

infact, for a long time, i wanted to do something for uplifment of women in our society....i still am thinking how to do it.....need views of ALL the women here...who truly feel that their position in this world is pathetic....

first of all, we all know that "aurat hi aurat ki dushman hai"

secondly, we all know that husbands behave differently when they are with their parents or relatives (they can be very nice with you in their absence, but something really goes wrong with them when they are around the parents)

We also know that every girl is happy before marriage, and never after ( yes...i mean it...all of them are unhappy)

In our society, subtle but really strategically smart rules are taught to us right from birth... to turn us the way we are....and hence, easily rule on us (a girl should be a good cook, a good housekeeper, a devoted mother and wife, "aadmi ke dil ka raasta hai uska pet....a woman should be like a mother to her husband in the day and a prostitute in the night....husband ke hi kushi main aurat ki khushi hai...pati devta hota hai, pati poojniya hai".... forgiving and patient hona chahiye...bado se zabaan nahi ladaate....blah...blah)

Wives are actually glorified maids and prostitutes, who take care of the house, be emotional support for husbands, take care of children (we build the society), and give physical pleasure to husbands.

The list is endless....

But have we ever stopped and wondered why is our situation so? Why are there certain "done things" for women, certain roles only for us, certain duties, restrictions, blah blah only for us....its coz we have allowed everyone to take us for granted...our ever-sweet, forgiving and patient nature is the cause.....and the biggest cause is....that we females are not united...we have been brainwashed right from childhood...we and boys are reasied differently for a reason....and we never question that?

we just fight our own individual battles, are unnsuccessful...and then....when it comes to torment another woman, we don't remember what we had gone through, we don't support them...but we suddenly transform into the ever so notoriously evil..."mother in laws" and "sister in laws"....

my point is....we need to raise woman's social position in our society...our position is realy really lowly and pathetic....

who decided that its a woman's job alone to take care of the house, the kids, the meals, the daily chores, the 'bahu' work and traditions?? But we all accept it the as a "god-given law"...that's our fault.

all the women, be it the poorest to the richest...are discrimintaed against..

no wonder...when it is heard that a girl was raped coz she was walking all alone on the streets at night (whatever the time)...or that she was wearing an inviting dress...its said...."so what else was she expecting??"...why aren't our sons trained the other way round...why do they think its okay to ppounce on a girl since she has broken the "code"?...while we are allowed to be on a junglee prowl....? and rapes don't happen only in the day time....we have rasied our children wrong....absolutely wrong

ladies...none of us are safe...that includes the daughters you'll give birth to...they too would have to bear the same atrocities like us and like the past women generations....if we don't act

remember....women are the ones who make a society... make its thinking...if you look carefully, you'll know its a fact.....(we give birth, we take care of the child, we impart first social virtues and values to our children, they learn from us first, and the from the rest of the world)... don't you think that unknowingly, we impart wrong knowledge to our sons and daughters???

we have to stay united and we fight for our right of equality (pls...right of equality doesn't mean equal jobs-equal pay-reserevations)....i'm talking about social equality...

aren't we at fault when we don't question our parents when they allow one thing for the son and disallow the same for the daughter? Aren't we at fault when we allow our parents to give gifts-dowry at our weddings? Aren't we at fault when we let our parents perform the insane traditions of giving gifts etc at each and every occassion to ladka wallas? Arent't we at fault when we think its the done thing for the ladki walas to bear the wedding expenses (greeting the barat and dinner etc)...why? isn't it their son's marriage too? How can we allow our parents to think....nahi nahi...hum ladki waale hai, we can't to do this or that, we can't stay for long at the girl's place...and to top it all....we have no right in our family's inheritence...this too adds to the insecurities that women face...and the worst reason is....our forgiving nature...our so called "bechaargi" ....our financial dependence..and our acceptance of our fate.

what i'm trying to say is...that the we need to uproot the real cause of our miseries...bring about a change in us first...become confident...see the real perspective...and fight for our rights...and stay united....

i don't really know how to achieve this...have been thinking a lot...but there's one thing i know...poor follow the rich, low class follows the higher class....if the elite and educated women cannot protect themselves, then our society would not change....we need to change first then slowly, the society would change

but friends...as i said...i feel very agitated that we women go through so much, we have a thankless job profile in this world...and we are treated as maids nad prostitutes...we are just servants to men... (look at theroles defined for us in he society)..look at what you do at the end of the day...what have you been doing...have you never felt suffocated? felt its unfair...what lacks in me...i too am educated...talented...confident...then why should i do all this...why isn't it an equal responsibility? and then when the time comes to leave the in-laws or a tyrant husband...we are looked at with contempt...the society eyes us in dejection and even if our parents support us...we end up making them suffer...so most o us can't opt for either life death....

at the end of it ladies....we all know...that we all are sad....all of us...right froma 5 year old girl to the 70 year old woman...however rich or eductaed she might be....think about the reason....its the rules of society that we have so easily accepted for ourselves....

PLEASE ladies...lets discuss how can we put an end to this madness....what should be done to bring about this change...i know it starts from self first....but we cannot sit at that alone...we need to have concerted efforst to uproot it together...adn if we don't share our thoughts, ideas and views on this....and then really act on it and do someting worthwhile to this effect...then its only a proof.....that WOMEN ONLY FIGHT THEIR OWN BATTLES...WOMEN CANNOT BE UNITED...AND the age old saying "AURAT HI AURAT KI DUSHMAN HAI"....

u r not alone. this is very typical - they r all the same. I have been married for 1.5 yr and my hubby talks to his family every single day even tho we r on diff continents. And, again he will get defensive if I say anything against them. The best way is to not say anything against his family at all. His mom has prob programmed him well- something like \";hamari bahu ko bura toh nahin laaga, r we a burden on u guys; listen beta 'all bahus have something against their inlaws- so u better watch out- they will say stuff against us'. beleive me we all go thru the same especially the last eg i just wrote- initially we say stuff against inlaws and our husbands r pretty immature to understand sense and by doing so (bad mouthing inlaws) we make our hubbies believe that their moms r rite. Cos again we speak against inlaws unknowingly. It s all emotional blackmail - \";hamne kuch galat toh nahi kaha ki bahu ko bura na lage\";. This happens behind your back. Bete ke samne so emotional and they send him on a guilt trip.

Hey! i understand what u r going thru
cause i go thru this everyday and i have been married for 2 years. trust me as time passes by u will learn how to be patient and ignore things. because your husband loves you, but for some reason he is tied down with parents. which it would be difficult for him to get out off. u just try to make sure that u give him enough attention. plan a evening out. and that evening just tell everyone that u both are busy. and spend some time together. if you do this once i am sure your husband would like it and want to do this all the time.
Good Luck