Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hello friends i need some advice on my Married Life , mine is a very big story but i will brief out a few lines for u guys to understand the problem , i got married to a 36 year old Man when i was 20 ! but then we stayed together for 8 Months and since he was Jobless living in a big Joint family i had to undergo Immense torture by all my co-sisters since my man was Jobless ,so i left the country and went to London , thinking i can get my hubby out of India but then he was stuck in India as his visa got refused ever since that he dint pUt any effort to get a new Job and i waited begging him to get a Job for 3 years in UK so that i can go back to India and have a Life with him , but to no avail and i moved to USA and now its been 2 years in usa and iam still trying to get him to USA , and we have been living separately for a total of 5 Years now all my Beautifull youth from 20 -23 has Passed away ! He is very much obssessed to go to USA ! Now adays strange fear Gripped me he is now 40 years old and iam still 23 , will he be able to keep me satisfied in all areas of life , iam confused as in another 10 yrs he will be an old man and me still young ! he got a Job now when he is 40 and i started working when i was 20 i mean he wasted all his Youth now if i go back for him to India we will struggle in India cos he has Just started working no home nothing we are standing on ground 0 , i'm scared and confused as what will happen to my Life later if he is not keeping me Happy now and not able to satisfy me now .... this all is scaring me like Hell what he wants from me ? Is he using me to get him out of country ....Although he says that he loves me very much and he misses me and he wants me iam confused he Praises me all the time ..Please anyone who has an answer to my fears please feel free to post an answer !
Thanks
Pearl harj replied. I think pearl you have already decided in your heart that you no longer love this man and are finding it hard to face this decisin. You have givenhim chances e.g. to find a job before but he has taken until he is 40 to do this. I do not think you need to feel guilty about feeling the age gap is not right, because it is difficult to have things in common with such an age difference. Whatever decision you make you need to tell him so you do not prolong your agony. pearl replied. Thanks Archie !

I know its very easy to say things but only the person who goes through the problems will understand truly ! Every body has Problems , there are nobody in this world without problems and i understand this ! I'm not depressed because i'm lonely and i need a man ..but i'm coping up with a ton of things from a long time ....My father passed away , me being the eldest of the family now supporting my Family completely , my other sisters are still studying in india . And all i want is a little support and encouragement from my Husband , being a man why cant he work ? Me being his wife , its his responsibility to take care of me ,keep me happy ! Dont you think so ? Instead of supporting me and helping me he himself is dependent on me for the whole of the past 4 years ! what kind of a life a woman like me should expect at this point ? I come from a Middle class family in India gone through a hell of Problems for Living but then i eventually thought one day definately i will get married and i hoped my Problems will end or atleast lessen , but then now i'm working even more hard than before ! All i need is a Life for myself to live ! Dont i deserve this much! My mom is a house wife now i cant tell her at this time to go out Looking for Jobs right ! And i cant ask my sisters (3) still undergraduates to get out of college and start working although they understand my situation now so they are working part times trying to cope with the situations !
And on top of all of this mY hubby JobLess !
He cant come here and in order for me to go back i need some support right .

I'm trying to Figure out answers to all of my Problems one at a time , but i dont see any light comming its still a dark tunnell for me ...

All this Just to share .....

Sincerely ,
Pearl pearl replied. Thanks To all on this board whoever has posted there comments, criticism , shown there anger and resentment ! It was nice to see all the replies and i'm very much into depression right now and i'm combating from suicidal signs , but then i will definately go through all of your messages again to make any decisons !

Thanks to all !
Sincerely
Pearl replied. To all those who ask
Pearl to leave her husband just because she finds herself very incompatible in terms of being very youthful. When a person needs favours, he/she does not mind marrying/using anybody, but when you find that he/she is not useful, you throw him/her just like any commodity. Come on, its not a question of equality, of course you have to live your life to your content, but not by using others for their momentary satisfaction. Was India such a small world, that she did not realise the consequences of marrying a person with such a huge difference in age ? Do you think US only can open the eyes of girls who blindly get into wedlock ? Do you think that the people in US wisely choose life partners and stay with them permanently ? It is only after coming to the US, girls realise how easy it is to change spouses, just like clothes. Very rarely, you find couples in US who stick with one guy/gal. I am angered mainly by the attitude of girls who think that they are well above everyone, just because of their new found independence in the US. Pearl feels that her husband is using her to go abroad, was she also not using him when she got married. Can you call a 20 years old girl a child to not know anything ? Is India still in the age of Devdas ? replied. To all those who ask
Pearl to leave her husband just because she finds herself very incompatible in terms of being very youthful. When a person needs favours, he/she does not mind marrying/using anybody, but when you find that he/she is not useful, you throw him/her just like any commodity. Come on, its not a question of equality, of course you have to live your life to your content, but not by using others for their momentary satisfaction. Was India such a small world, that she did not realise the consequences of marrying a person with such a huge difference in age ? Do you think US only can open the eyes of girls who blindly get into wedlock ? Do you think that the people in US wisely choose life partners and stay with them permanently ? It is only after coming to the US, girls realise how easy it is to change spouses, just like clothes. Very rarely, you find couples in US who stick with one guy/gal. I am angered mainly by the attitude of girls who think that they are well above everyone, just because of their new found independence in the US. Pearl feels that her husband is using her to go abroad, was she also not using him when she got married. Can you call a 20 years old girl a child to not know anything ? Is India still in the age of Devdas ? replied. I dont' think your problem is big. Your only worry is the age difference. Its the loneliness that is making you think of all strange things. Once he moves to where you stay now, all will get well. You ought to show him respect and not pride that you are very young for him. You seem to have taken his kindness for granted and thought that he will dance to your tunes just because of your age. I can well say that you have not seen US properly, do you think that all those married in the US have very less age difference. Atleast he has given you the independence of living and earning on your own. Thank him for that. pearl replied. Archie -

Thanks for posting ur answer to my questions !
As u said i should have realised when in London , i would say i did but i had hoped the man i married will change and would give me all the happiness but then he dint change and as i said he remained Jobless through all the 3 yrs of my stay in London and i begegd him to do something so that i can have an option to come back but then he is so obssesed to go to some Foreign country ! He says he will make me happy once he is here with me in USA ,he thinks we can settle our lifes quickly here in USA because of his age ! And if i wanted i would have ran away with somebody in all of these 4 yrs but then i sticked to the promises of Marriage and i would never do any wrong as long as i'm in this Bond of marriage and i also think abt him i can get anybody at this age but then it will be difficult for him at this time to convince another woman specially when he himself standing on the street !

I will surely think about it !
Archie thanks for ur reply i appreciate it ! You sound like a christian !

God bless you too !

Pearl pearl replied. Archie -

Thanks for posting ur answer to my questions !
As u said i should have realised when in London , i would say i did but i had hoped the man i married will change and would give me all the happiness but then he dint change and as i said he remained Jobless through all the 3 yrs of my stay in London and i begegd him to do something so that i can have an option to come back but then he is so obssesed to go to some Foreign country ! He says he will make me happy once he is here with me in USA ,he thinks we can settle our lifes quickly here in USA because of his age ! And if i wanted i would have ran away with somebody in all of these 4 yrs but then i sticked to the promises of Marriage and i would never do any wrong as long as i'm in this Bond of marriage and i also think abt him i can get anybody at this age but then it will be difficult for him at this time to convince another woman specially when he himself standing on the street !

I will surely think about it !
Archie thanks for ur reply i appreciate it ! You sound like a christian !

God bless you too !

Pearl Archie replied. Dear Pearl,

I am astonished from reading your message and replies.

Trust me I am not an expert of relations. My views may not make any sense to you or formerly replied people. This is primarily due to my vision towards marriage is still traditional and sensible than merely pleasure/fun. So, let me apologize to you and others if my suggestion is going to hurt feelings.

This is a way late situation to correct to mistake. The major mistake is made by you accepting him at first hand as a husband. At that time you were 20 year old girl and perhaps did not require that much of spoonfeeding on what marriage is like, especially SY college student. Your mother was primarily victim of circumstances and perhaps more helpless, thus she may have seen an angle in your present husband, as you say he was the help to your family in difficult time.
Honestly, there are many arranged marriages where there is big age difference.
I am at the same time feel deeply for your situation of age difference. YOu are really looking at marriage like a mature girl but forgetting important fact that Marriage is a big committment. This marriage was not forced on you, as you agreed to marry this elderly man.
You did not realize these points until you exposed to free culture like in USA.
In fact you should have wondered on these aspects even in London.

I see in one reply you expect him to offer you flowers and enjoy intimacy, romance than getting in child this fast. I see two things:
1. You do not really hate this person and still have some marriage related formalities or ties in your mind
2. He has realized his age and want's to be father anytime soon.

Perhaps you see him pleasing/begging you at this moment, and it may be because he is fearsely independent man, can treat you nicely on his money.

The bottom line is, the 16 year age difference was there even when you married and you were above 18 to make your own sensible decision. Given marriage is serious committment, you need to weigh all points before taking anyones advise of leaving him and making new marriage.

Trust me, he helped in difficult time. YOu could have said no to marriage and decide to be grateful for a life. Now breaking committment means two wrong things:
you are breaking huge committment of marriage
and
at the same time showing how ungrateful person you are.

I may sound suggesting to stick with your present marriage. I do see upsetting you and many others here. But I don'g see a reson to punish him with word DIVORCE and at this difficult age of him to run in most difficult search of life, to find Companion.

Successful marriage is about understanding, staying loyal to each other and trusting in each other as spouse.

I really hope God gives you enough strength to realize facts and make you sensible decision which you and your present husband won't regret in coming years ahead of you both.

God Bless you and him.
Archie meera replied. was yours arranged or luv marriage. If arranged, then why the hell did you opt for such an elderly person. from your mail it is clear that he is squeezing you out. Forget him and start life afresh with someone young.

Best of luck juvinile replied. I would suggest to separate from this person if you dont have any children. Because even if you stay together you are going to suffer because of incompatibility. He is a person of his own will so let him be. You dont love him so dont force himself upon you. Dont make marriage as your handcuff. You have already spoilt your prime years. You are still young and educated and working, you should be able to get a good life partner still if you want. So just throw him out of your life.