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Mine isnt a Joint family but it seems like my inlaws live with me. There is a line between closeness and interference. I have been married for over a year(no kids) and I live away from from inlaws in US. My SIL lives in another US state and my inlaws visit every summer. Luckily my MIL spent more time with her daughetr last yr since shes a stay at home mom. I work and we bot a house last Dec..
My inlaws r visitng next month and my FIL who's never really taken a vacation has decided to stay with us for 3 weeks. My hubby used to call one of our rooms - his parents room and thankfully now he refers to it as our guest room.
My parents live in North america as well and dont call too much especially when we r home in the evennings so that we spend time together or I call once on weekend. I usually talk to mom daily from work -my hubby doesnt know that. My parents mite give sugeestions only when I ask- no unsolicited advice. They have visited just once after 1 yr of my marriage. I am sure my inlaws tell my hubby how my family isnt close knit etc. thats why we dont talk. My inlaws call my hubby every single day at work due to the time difference. And on weekends both sat and sun.. My SIL does the same.
They call his work and then cellphone and then finally page him - if they cant reach him. If my MIL has talked to hubby and FIL hasnt he will call later and SIL seperately. So, its 3 calls daily. Thankfully, they dont live with me but have intentions to do so in future. My hubby told me b4 marriage at my Roka ceremony. And I agreed unknowingly. But now I pray that they move to Delhi when they retire from middle east.
They want to know each and every detail of our house and they have a reputation that they will ask others abt their lives but will never let their lives b out in the open. Very secretive abt their lives but like to b intrusive in others. My MIL has a greencard already - got it this year thru my SIL whos a US citizen. I asked one of their family freind's daughter abt my MIL's GC and she was shocked to know that they would even plan to move to US. And my MIL even knows her details abt why she isnt getting pregnant etc. And when it comes to their secrets - noone should know. My hubby is a GC holder and has been in US since age 17 - after High school. He's independent - thankfully. We were on vacation and his family called everyday. And I told my hubby indirectly how interfering it is and he almost fought with me and started defending his family. I am sure my inlaws tell him how close they r to him and prob. ask abt how I am doing etc to show they care but I dont know what they talk behind my back. Simply, control freaks and insecure. Even my hubby calls them if he doesnt hear from them in a day or 2. They r in his system. My MIL even talks to her daughter daily. On weekends, my inlaws and SIL repeat whatever goes on in my house like \";oh the plumber was over on wed. is the job done\";,\";u guys left work early on tue, right?\"; They just like to verify and let me know that they know everything even if I dont talk to them and my hubby tells them everything. Earlier we had seperate work hours and my hubby would leave late morning. I think my inlaws didnt even like the idea of us going to work together once I got a permanent job. I dont know what my hubby told them but I saw missed calls almost the whole week he switched his hours. They must b trying to confirm. My FIL even left a msg once \";hello! I know u r leaving late today at noon - just calling to say hi\";. He was leaving late that day for sure and I was coming back early and I heard the msg and i am sure it was for me. And, My SIL's MIL passed away right after she got married (of cancer which they knew abt b4 she got married)and my MIL never had inlaws since they were killed in partition. Luckily, I dont have to talk to them everyday and only weekends. I never force him to talk to my family. One of his freinds (his family is freind's with my hubby's family in middle east) makes fun of him that he runs and tells his mommy everything. My hubby just doesnt get it. I know they cant talk ill of me but handle things very diplomatically. For instance, at karvachauth my MIL called my mom who was stepping out and said she will call back later. Then on weekend, my MIL talked to me as to how my mom needs to send all the stuff and she feels \";ashamed asking my mom for it\"; and I got furious and explained the right tradition to hubby. Next day, they talked to my hubby and said they bot me a ring etc so that my hubby doesnt say anything to them and they r so nice. And, the following week when we talked abt the topic, my hubby said u know u r a different caste and tho we r both punjabis - your family's traditions r different than ours. Thats what his mom told him so it was all covered up. And, my hubby said \";dont ever think u can seperate my mom and me\";. So, the other day we went to the beach and his mom as usual called up and my hubby said tell Dad not to call me(my hubby) since he mite lose cell signal. Next day my SIL was talking to hubby and asking him \";how the beach was? did u go into the water? what was the name of the beach?\"; I asked \";how did SIL find out?\"; He said (while on the phone but softly) \";mom must have told her\"; and later after hanging up he said \";oh, I talked to her the other day and must have told her\";. So, again he gets defensive abt his family.
And, when my parents didnt visit MIL would tell me \";ask your parenst to visit - atleast to c your house\";. Be nice and all that. But once they visited, she asked me \";Are u taking days off from work? If so,how many?\"; I ignored her and didnt tell her that I was taking off from work for 2 days. My SIL called as soon as my parents reached our house from the airport. She asked my mom\";how long u r staying\"; and my mom didnt give her the exact time and she said \";atleast a month?\"; since she was checking to which my mom said \";no\";. My dad just stayed a weekend. Then SIL called and asked abt her return flight and time to wish her a happy journey/bon voyage back home. Ok - I understand SIL looks good in front of hubby but they annoy the hell out of me and my family. They r greedy as well - expect things from my parents all the time but dont say it. When she visited last yr she even bought lens solution, aspirin DVD player, hair dye, make up etc. She loots the son and my hubby even bot her a ticket to fly to my SIL's place. They r just show offs - they try telling me indireclty how wealthy they r but then loot the son sametime and r major \";Kanjoos\"; themselves. Typical show off Punjabis. MIL has no self respect either when it comes to running after the rich people. She looks down upon people who r average in terms of money. She and my hubby lie a lot abt little things. I try catching him but its a habit. My family is very down to earth. His family is so typical. My inlaws barely ever call my parents and my parents call them most of the time - not too often. MIL even made my FIL move from Bbay to Delhi after 1 year of their marriage since her family was in Delhi. She's never really come out of her family and doesnt pay attention to my FIL's family or has lived with them. My hubby even says how his Dad doesnt have family -its small and it surely is. MIL doesnt like to travel alone either and my FIL's family lives far from Delhi. So good excuse for MIL to ignore. MY FIL had a back problem last yr. and ofcourse, my hubby didnt know since he would get worried. Then my MIL called my cell (very rare), my hubby's and our home number and couldnt reach us. She got mad at hubby that he didnt call her back and I had told hubby to call them back when I noticed missed calls and he ignored. MIL said\";I feel lonely\"; - I didnt get it. Isnt MIL supposed to b with FIL and help him out? I guess the son and bahu wernt there to help out. Just an attention seeker. But, when it comes to me I am supposed to b a good DIL and live with her in old age. Even MIL's niece refuses to marry into a joint family(she's 25 and single and I heard her say it openly to my hubby on the phone) but thats OK.
Slowly, I am becoming numb. Pls help and let me know how to handle the situation. I thought things will change with time but I saw the phone bill and all the calls he made. So, its both sides. Its not only that they call but he does too. I thought men were not like that. I talk to freinds and their husbands just talk once a week. another DIL replied. Hi Swati, I read your long mail. Firstly dont worry, we are all in the same boat and it's no use not enjoying our life because of people who are far away. I am in a similar situation, my parents live in India, I live in the UK. My hubby is an only child and lives very near his parents. He sees them everyday for lunch and we just have weekends to ourselves. He also recounts every single thing that happens in our life to my MIL. She has a terrible relationship with her inlaws. Her MIL is still alive and lives in India and my MIL hardly goes and visits her. I have been married 2 yrs and during the first year she did not even like my family to visit me ! Whereas her family visits her all the time...She hates anyone getting to know her son and I feel that she is very unhappy in her marriage and wants to be part of ours !!! My husband, although behaving in this manner, is also very naive. But her strength is him - if he agrees to do whatever she says, he'll do it (example not allowing my parents or sister / brother to stay over at home) even though it's hurting me like hell.
Swati - the only way to deal with this is to resist in a nice way or whatever way suits your situation. Firstly, I suppose you do share a good relationship with your husband. Why not just enjoy it ? If your Ilaws are far away, leave them just there and do not let them enter your mind. As for the Ilaws speaking to your husband daily, if it's been there since many years, it will not change overnite. Firstly, instead of trying to change it, I would suggest that you try to change the way you handle it and not to get angry. What is the point ? Even if they want to know about your husband or your lives, let them know. The point is YOU are daily with your husband and not them. If you divert your attention or not bother about their calls, then other things will fall in place. Also, no point speaking against his family to your husband. It does not work. If you get irritated by the fact that he gives so much info to them you can say things like \";old women are so known to gossip and tell their daily story to each other\"; or \";grandparents are always telling their daily stories to their grandkids,etc\"; Anything to show him what he is doing is silly. Also, if you say it jokingly, it has a better effect.
I have been through this in my first year of marriage. My family is very down to earth and we dont STICK to each other. ie there is space in our relationship with parents and I am sure my MIL thinks we are not close. Also, my MIL likes anyone who is rich, even tho they have no values. I guess people like this do exist. Main thing is why do we spoil our lives because of them.
Good luck.