hi dharma..read yours messege ..its really inspiring..my problem is ..that i m not diplomatic...am so stupid...and i donno how to manage inlaws and specially..i always fight with my hubby just becoz of inlaws...and will make bad relations with him....he thinks that i dont care for him ...when he go office i will be sleeping as my kid is very small and he get up at night 4 times ..so i wont be able to get up in morning..so my hubby always say you dont care for me..you dont do anything for me..i eat breakfast by myself and go and blah blah...i donno i m loosing resept in front of him....and he will not listen anything regarding his family...i donno where me and my kid stands for him...i feel so low when he take side of his parents who are soo far ... whenever it will be hot discussion he will say i will divorce you...i donno what is his problem...then i will ask him why you wanted kid...why we gave birth to this small baby..then he will be quiet ..i feel he dont respect me..i feel soooooo bad when he will say that i will divorce you....what to do?? how to controle....how to make good impression infront of him..am sick and tired...since yesterday we are not talking he is saying that if i will talk you will fight..but thats not the thing...i donno why he thinks that i will fight i dont do..just i will say plain and he will think that i m ifghting..how to maintain good relationship with him??
we are married since 5 years...just after marrige there was huge misunderstanding he liked his bhabi ke behen for shaadi....his parents disagreed....and just after marrige he told me that too in very bad manner..i felt very bad and i fought...after that his parents used to think that i m bad bahu....they was not aware of his son's deed and i became bad in front of them ....and still am bad bahu in front of them..sometimes i feel my life is hell...no one respect me...no use of living if no one resept you...what should i do? after marrige i didnt get pece of mind and afte rhaving kidd too am not haveing pece of mind....what should i do.....i guess my main problem is that i m not diplomatic...how to become that how to gain respect in front of him and his parents...what should i do....this is very short..there are lots of things...to write....but what to do....everyone thinks am bad..but i dont think am bad....i just donno how to tackle things....am so depressed....PLSS HELP ME !!!!!!!
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hi dharma..read yours messege ..its really inspiring..my problem is ..that i m not diplomatic...am so stupid...and i donno how to manage inlaws and specially..i always fight with my hubby just becoz of inlaws...and will make bad relations with him....he thinks that i dont care for him ...when he go office i will be sleeping as my kid is very small and he get up at night 4 times ..so i wont be able to get up in morning..so my hubby always say you dont care for me..you dont do anything for me..i eat breakfast by myself and go and blah blah...i donno i m loosing resept in front of him....and he will not listen anything regarding his family...i donno where me and my kid stands for him...i feel so low when he take side of his parents who are soo far ... whenever it will be hot discussion he will say i will divorce you...i donno what is his problem...then i will ask him why you wanted kid...why we gave birth to this small baby..then he will be quiet ..i feel he dont respect me..i feel soooooo bad when he will say that i will divorce you....what to do?? how to controle....how to make good impression infront of him..am sick and tired...since yesterday we are not talking he is saying that if i will talk you will fight..but thats not the thing...i donno why he thinks that i will fight i dont do..just i will say plain and he will think that i m ifghting..how to maintain good relationship with him??
we are married since 5 years...just after marrige there was huge misunderstanding he liked his bhabi ke behen for shaadi....his parents disagreed....and just after marrige he told me that too in very bad manner..i felt very bad and i fought...after that his parents used to think that i m bad bahu....they was not aware of his son's deed and i became bad in front of them ....and still am bad bahu in front of them..sometimes i feel my life is hell...no one respect me...no use of living if no one resept you...what should i do? after marrige i didnt get pece of mind and afte rhaving kidd too am not haveing pece of mind....what should i do.....i guess my main problem is that i m not diplomatic...how to become that how to gain respect in front of him and his parents...what should i do....this is very short..there are lots of things...to write....but what to do....everyone thinks am bad..but i dont think am bad....i just donno how to tackle things....am so depressed....PLSS HELP ME !!!!!!!
tanya replied. test
Dharma replied. Dear Jyotsana,
Don't be hard on yourself.If you get to know me, (which I am sure you soon, :)) you'll know that I too am very undiplomatic by nature. I am used to calling a spade, a spade. I have told myself tons of times, that I am so stupid, and that I don't know how to handle my inlwas. :) My dear we are not stupid, it's just that we aren't devious and manipulative. And I know how hard it is to be diplomatic. But You will have to learn. It is a do or die situation with my inlaws. So you have to reprogram yourself.
And I still fight with my hubby sometimes, but the key point is it is sometimes only. And then I immediately cover it up by saying \"; oh they are so nice to everyone else, I am so sad they behave like this with me. I really love your mom, but she is so mean to me.\";
Ok, now your case, first of all STOP talking about your inlaws with him for 1 month. Strictly no talks about them. No matter what they say or how they instigate. Just turn a deaf ear. Turn to stone.Ofcourse he will not listen anything against his mom, she has programmed him for 30 yrs! You have to have patience and reprogram him for minimum of a year.
When you say I don't know where I and my kid stand, you are thinking like a loser. Think like a winner, You know where you stand...YOU HAVE A BATTLE TO WIN....YOUR HUBBY'S HEART. Concentrate on that for a year. No matter how tough it is wake up when is leaving and give him his morning cereal, leave a flower or a note \"; I LOVE YOU\"; or\"; g'morning wonderful dad or something new by his cereal. And sleep/ take a nap in the afternoon. In the evening after an hour after he comes home, involve him more with the baby by saying, oh he just loves being with you. He does all nakhras only with you and nobody else. This way you make him happy and get soem time off for yourself.
Ok, to maintain good relations with him, DON'T UTTER A WORD ABOUT HIS PARENTS. After he is gone, talk to yourself 1/2hr about hwo mean and bitchy his parents are hahahha...I've doen that.It's therapeutic for me and he doesn't habve to know. And I don't sound like a complain pot.
Forget the past , I know it hurts like hell to hear he preferred someone, just think maybe you did the same to someone in your last janam and you just have made the payment by suffering. Now it is equal and OVER.
Most importanatly NEVER argue or fight him in front of anyone, not even kids. Argue in the bedroom.Make it a rule.Please don't care too much about his parents bickering. Involve him crazily into your own little family. Over time if you diligently do all the above and have faith in yourself, you will change and he will change.
And the advice I gave mani and another DIL is still important. Follow that.
Good luck.
SOUL replied. Hi Dharma
I saw your mail to Mani and the others. I was very encouraged by reading it. I too am not very diplomatic and get very angry with my hubby because of the way he sides with my inlaws (his parents). I did try to win over his love, etc and it worked for a few months. But what killed it was that when we go to visit my family in India, he stayed in a hotel. His parents told him so, before we left and he does not even care that he's hurting me. It's as if he's programmed like a robot, to do what they want. Just wanted to ask you - how do I deal with his personality that he does whatever she says. Really - even for the way you put a spoon on the table, he wants to do it the way she says it. I can never trust him, because I dont know what he will do next. She is a typical woman and at least another thing I have in common with her is that I can read her mind and see her next move. But I am so tired of playing that game and keeping track of whatever my hubby is doing. Is there any solution to this ? I can deal with her stupidity but what discourages me the most is that hubby takes her side, makes her stronger and me weaker. What is the good of having a good realationship with hubby if in the end, he'll do whatever she wants. Do you think it's advisable to talk to MIL privately and ask her to back off ? Thanks....
2005-10-09
#1
Name: tanya Subject: test
test
2005-06-15
#2
Name: Dharma Subject: have heart
Dear Jyotsana,
Don't be hard on yourself.If you get to know me, (which I am sure you soon, :)) you'll know that I too am very undiplomatic by nature. I am used to calling a spade, a spade. I have told myself tons of times, that I am so stupid, and that I don't know how to handle my inlwas. :) My dear we are not stupid, it's just that we aren't devious and manipulative. And I know how hard it is to be diplomatic. But You will have to learn. It is a do or die situation with my inlaws. So you have to reprogram yourself.
And I still fight with my hubby sometimes, but the key point is it is sometimes only. And then I immediately cover it up by saying \"; oh they are so nice to everyone else, I am so sad they behave like this with me. I really love your mom, but she is so mean to me.\";
Ok, now your case, first of all STOP talking about your inlaws with him for 1 month. Strictly no talks about them. No matter what they say or how they instigate. Just turn a deaf ear. Turn to stone.Ofcourse he will not listen anything against his mom, she has programmed him for 30 yrs! You have to have patience and reprogram him for minimum of a year.
When you say I don't know where I and my kid stand, you are thinking like a loser. Think like a winner, You know where you stand...YOU HAVE A BATTLE TO WIN....YOUR HUBBY'S HEART. Concentrate on that for a year. No matter how tough it is wake up when is leaving and give him his morning cereal, leave a flower or a note \"; I LOVE YOU\"; or\"; g'morning wonderful dad or something new by his cereal. And sleep/ take a nap in the afternoon. In the evening after an hour after he comes home, involve him more with the baby by saying, oh he just loves being with you. He does all nakhras only with you and nobody else. This way you make him happy and get soem time off for yourself.
Ok, to maintain good relations with him, DON'T UTTER A WORD ABOUT HIS PARENTS. After he is gone, talk to yourself 1/2hr about hwo mean and bitchy his parents are hahahha...I've doen that.It's therapeutic for me and he doesn't habve to know. And I don't sound like a complain pot.
Forget the past , I know it hurts like hell to hear he preferred someone, just think maybe you did the same to someone in your last janam and you just have made the payment by suffering. Now it is equal and OVER.
Most importanatly NEVER argue or fight him in front of anyone, not even kids. Argue in the bedroom.Make it a rule.Please don't care too much about his parents bickering. Involve him crazily into your own little family. Over time if you diligently do all the above and have faith in yourself, you will change and he will change.
And the advice I gave mani and another DIL is still important. Follow that.
Good luck.
2005-06-15
#3
Name: swati tanwar Subject: like your advice
i liked reading your advice and I am not diplomatic at all. Very frank and speak my mind and ofcourse I have been labelled as "stubborn and I answer back to elders(my inlaws)". I dont like standing crap and cant believe inlaws behave in such a degrading manner even in this day and age. They become traditional when it suits them and modern whenever convenient. My MIL wears pants when shes in US and also has a Greencard but mentality sucks. U want to b westernised - u need to become independent and not rely on the son too much. Changing clothes doesnt help. Anyways, would appreciate if u could advice me on the article I posted today "Interference".
Thanks in advance.
2005-06-15
#4
Name: SOUL Subject: for Dharma too
Hi Dharma
I saw your mail to Mani and the others. I was very encouraged by reading it. I too am not very diplomatic and get very angry with my hubby because of the way he sides with my inlaws (his parents). I did try to win over his love, etc and it worked for a few months. But what killed it was that when we go to visit my family in India, he stayed in a hotel. His parents told him so, before we left and he does not even care that he's hurting me. It's as if he's programmed like a robot, to do what they want. Just wanted to ask you - how do I deal with his personality that he does whatever she says. Really - even for the way you put a spoon on the table, he wants to do it the way she says it. I can never trust him, because I dont know what he will do next. She is a typical woman and at least another thing I have in common with her is that I can read her mind and see her next move. But I am so tired of playing that game and keeping track of whatever my hubby is doing. Is there any solution to this ? I can deal with her stupidity but what discourages me the most is that hubby takes her side, makes her stronger and me weaker. What is the good of having a good realationship with hubby if in the end, he'll do whatever she wants. Do you think it's advisable to talk to MIL privately and ask her to back off ? Thanks....
2005-06-15
#5
Name: Dharma Subject: Patience and Perseverance pay off
Dear SOUL,
I just told Jyotsana that I too am very undiplomatic by nature. I am used to calling a spade, a spade. Sometimes I still don't know to handle my inlwas in ceratin situatiosn. It's a learning process. The problem is we want them to change which they never will. The only thing we can do is change ourselves.And I know how hard it is to be diplomatic. But You will have to learn to be diplomatic and strong. Orelse what will we teach our daughters?????:0 For me, ut's a change or be a loser, suffer and lead a miserable life situation with my inlaws. So you have to reprogram yourself.
For the time being learn to live with the fact that your hubby's spine is weak. Your adoring love and complete devotion will strengthen his spine. You have to make him feel like a man.
This will not happen overnight.It may take months or even a yr. But believe me change he will. You ask "What is the good of having a good realationship with hubby if in the end, he'll do whatever she wants."
Honey, this is how you gain his trust and love. He will do what she wants until when? till he trusts her more than he trusts you. Trust takes time, so for the time being a yr or so, let him do what he does you do what I have listed in the reply to mani's query.
Never talk to MIL privately asking her to back off, she will create a huge drama about what you sd, add mirch masala and make your battle hrader to win. Play a cold war dear. Be warm in front of hubby and ICE FREEZING when he isn't around.
You say you are tired of playing games, but dear once you start winning it'll get easier. And you have NO OPTION but to play. You are in the games. You have to play. You either beleive in yourself, learn the rules and win or Live a miserable 30 yrs and pass on the same to your daughter.
Ok, I understand that when your hubby sides her all the time, you feel miserable and don't feel affectionate with him. This is for the time being, switch your emotions off and think objectively like a soldier going to battle, but you have to battle with everyhting you have. And INTIMACY is the only thing that she doesn't and you do. So if nothing else works, think of it as enjoying some good sex time for yourself.
Ok, now dealing with your inlaws, first of all STOP chating with your inlwas, you know the small talk we do out of respect. Stop talking about your inlaws with him for 1 month. Strictly no talks about them. No matter what they say or how they instigate. Just turn a deaf ear. Turn to stone.Ofcourse he will not listen anything against his mom, she has programmed him for 30 yrs! You have to have patience and reprogram him for minimum of a year.
Ok, to maintain good relations with him, DON'T UTTER A WORD ABOUT HIS PARENTS. After he is gone, talk to yourself 1/2hr about hwo mean and bitchy his parents are hahahha...I've doen that.It's therapeutic for me and he doesn't habve to know. And I don't sound like a complain pot.
Most importanatly give it time.Please don't care too much about his mom's bickering. Involve him crazily into your own little family. Over time if you diligently do all the above and have faith in yourself, you will change and he will change.
And the advice I gave mani and another DIL is still important. Follow that.
Good luck.
2005-06-15
#6
Name: SOUL Subject: wanted to add this
Dharma, just wanted to add that I agree with you that intimacy is very important and perhaps the only thing we have which dear MIL does not. However, when hubby sides her all the time, I dont even feel like any intimacy. I don't even feel like respecting him, as he will never follow his own wish. Do you have any advise on this ?
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