Relationships  Discussion Forum

Date: 2002-06-24
Name: sk kunala
Subject: Please advise me

Hi,
I just need some advise about my marriage. We have been married for 8yrs now. We are blessed with a girl after 6 yrs of our marriage. My husband is a very hard working person. I know it's good to be hardworking. But his expectations from me are more. He is not satisfied with what I do to the family everyday.
He expects me to do everything even when I am sick. There is no entertainment or common interest. Ours is an arranged marriage. And we live away from our both the parents. My relationship with his family members is not so good. In the sense I don't have any hope from them financially or emotionally. Inspite of this my husband expects me to show respect to them. Which is very hard on my part. He doesn't understand the fact that they try to hurt my feelings when ever we visit their place. We live in America. Our family from both sides lives in India. We plan our trip to India to spend some time with our family members but we return getting hurt due to their (his family members')behaviour towards me. I don't understand their problem. We are even supporting them financially.
My husband also doesn't understand my problem. Whenever we discuss this matter, he gets angry and fights with me. I am frustrated. Since I am busy with my child now, this issue comes up rarely between us, but whenever it comes up, it ends up in arguments and fights. Please advise.


Tensed replied. Hi sk,

I just want to let u know that there r many of us who r in the same situation as u, including myself. So I just want to console u in this regard. Whatever u have described, I too have the same situation, so I really dont have a solution for u. But take heart. Start being bold.

I too am in the US and here my husband will let me do anything I want but whenever we go to India he suddenly changes and wants me to do what his parents want. I had a love marriage and his parents never agreed to it, so u can imagine what I'm undergoing. Even now they have not accepted me because everytime we go to India, they make my life hell and every trip to India becomes worse than the earlier one. My f-i-l too (like ur in-laws) wants money from my husband. My husband gives almost half of our savings to them when we go to India but its still less. My husband also sent money for his sisters marriage. Everytime my f-i-l tells my husband to send so and so much of money to buy some land or shop or something but he has never ever told my husband to take something in his name. This is the type of in-laws I have.

So sk, dont be scared and nervous. These mama's boys will never change. Just be bold and know that u r not alone.

Bye and take care Nina replied. Hello Friend,
I know the situation you may be encountering is difficult to deal with. It's very hard to discuss family issues with husbands, especially when it's his family side.

I would figure being an arranged marriage, they would have been more kind to you since it's a little different than a love marriage where the boy brings the girl to his home to meet the parents and they check her out.
I am married in a love marriage, but, I met my husband through a means in which we met, fell in love, yet, had not ever heard each other's voice or seen a picture of each other...we didn't meet in person until the day of the engagement ceremony.
But, right before that time, I met his family and mine met his. I felt so afraid that I would not be accepted warmly since I got looks and lots of weird questions.

Anyways...
I just got off in left field...sorry.
:-)

I think you should try to look into what it is that the parents of his are doing to make you feel bad, what are they saying to you?

let me know and I will help you figure out ways you can deal with it better and not have so many bad experiences, and, at the same time, avoid the arguments with your husband over it.

Please tell me an instance of what they do and say to you and I will reply back...

Take care,
Nina