Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everybody

I am a 22 yr old girl seeing a sindhi guy for the past 2 yrs and i am really depressed and tensed these days. i dearly love him cos hes very caring, sincere and loving. However, I am christian and hes sindhi, though hes not very religous and I am. He initially said that he doesnt care abt religion, so i assumed that we'd be raising our kids as christians. but now he says that he meant he doesnt care, but the rest of his family cares, so he has to name them sindhis and raise them partially in the sindhi religion. i honestly feel the kids are going to be so confused with two religions, and being my children i should be able to raise them the way i want. but my bf says, his parents also have a right on their grandkids and so they should be half hindus/sindhis.
thats just one of many things bothering me. secondly, i come from a nuclear family where a lot of emphaisis is placed on education, equality of sexes and women working in the world. but my bf prefers that i be a stay at home wife and take care of the kids and his parents. while ive convinced him that i cant do it, he says he doesnt care as long as i can handle both housework and my job. though, hes very modern in the way he dresses and all, hes very indian when it comes to such things. all my aunts worked and even my mom worked, though now she doesnt. but none of his aunts or mom have worked or even gone to college and are houswives and i dunno if i can adjust to that kind of thinking. even his cousin sisters my age all plan to be housewives.
n then i dunno how itll be living with in-laws cos i come from a nuclear family. and all ive heard in this board are bad things abt in-laws. and hes the only son, and he says hell never stay away from his parents, and that its his duty to take care of them. sometimes i feel, my bf may just leave me if i do or say anything against his parents. he always says that hell take the side of whoever is right. but i feel hes just saying that n when his parents come into the picture, hell come up with excuses such as they're old, its our duty etc. i do agree that its a son's duty to take care of his parents, but i really dont knw wat hs parents r like. from wat ive heard from him, his dads really sweet and madly loves his son, and his mom totally listens to everything his dad says. however his mom scolds his sister for being lazy and not doing enuf work in the house. so im guessing shell do the same with me. i dunno for sure tho. but my bf is definitely more closes to his dad n is not a mamma's boy. i really love him, but i feel he loves his parents especially his dad more than me tho he says he loves his dad n me equally. n i feel after marriage, hell take thier side. he already feels that im very selfish and think only abt myself, and i can never sacrifice any of my happiness to make anybody happy. he says if im not lazy, and am ready to do everything, there wont be any problem.
i dunno if im just worrying too much of things will be fine. to top it all my parents r completely against this realtionshsip cos its inter-religous, and i will lose my family and everbody cos of this. and to add to my misery, if my in laws are bad to me, and my bf too after marrige, ill really regret this decision to marry him. so i dunno wat to do.
lastly, he wants to move to india after living in the US and being financially stable (after the kids r born etc). ive never lived in india, so i dunno wat its gonna be like. my whole family is here and ill have to leave everybody and settle in India where i have absoloutely noone. but to taht my bf says, ill have his family and theyre very loving and caring etc.
im always thinking abt this day and nite, and im very very depressed. i love him, i am not sure if were on the same boat on how we want to lead our lives. please please helpp me frm your experiences. Reena replied. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It seems like you know what u want from your marriage and frankly, your views and his don't match. Dressing mordern doesn't make the person modern. All the points that he wants you to compromise on is asking too much. In any relationship and marriage, compromise is essential..but remember don't loose yourself in just trying to please him. I dated a boy many year ago. I really liked him, but at the end of the day I felt that we had to many different views.
My personal opion is that today you love him, but tomorrw when you will have to bend u'r self forward and backward to please him , you will inturn make yourself unhappy...and that is not waht successful marriages r made up of.
Intercast marriages work....but both parties need to come to an understanding..if u don't have that..it's not going to work.

Save yourself a lot of misery...look for someone who is more like u in thinking. You r still young and have the whole life ahead of you. mini replied. just dont marry him. Better you avoid marrying him than regretting later. He is expecting too many things from you. When he has listed out so many things before marriage, just imagine what will be later.

Regarding his parents, he will of course appreciate them because they are his parents. Even my hubby used to say that is mother is an angel but after marriage she turned out to be a devil who separated us.

Take Care and Forget him

Take Care zzz replied. it see that you want everything for life.you must think in this way
1 prob....
ofcorce your children will be sindi after all you are in indian society where girl bcome part of boys family after marriage. you will be christain or not it can be debatable but your children will be sindi by birth. what you can do is to teach them christanity also and in future let them decide.
2. prob..
i really understand your problem nuclear family and joint family bcos i also got married in kind of joint family. but you can't expect your BF to left there family. you are also saying he is only son so think your self how it is possible.
and it's quit normal for mother to scold their daughter not doing house hold work etc. even i am sure your mom also saying theis things. so don't take letrally.
3. prob...
for job you must talk to your BF if you really want to do that.
i think you are gating coold feet and it is natural but you must decied whether you can live in india and indian family type situation.
best of luck
adviser replied. hello ..
Please do not go in for such relationship. Its goign to be very difficult for you to adjust to his family members and u'll miss ur family members very much especially when they miles apart. I'm happy that you are aware about his family members and so that should help u decide.
never ever take such a decision, u might love him to bits now but after marriage I'm sure u might tear him to bits, such would be the feeling .. cd replied. Hi there..

i think you are still very young, well you sound very young.

When two people get married thye bring forth their ideas experiences and cultures into teh marraige, be it 2 christians or two intercaste people..

If your BF was a christian but followed diff ways of raising children ? would you object to that? When you marry intercaste, its a given that the childrne are raised bi-culturally. If either one of you doesnt agree then he or she is being unfair.
Though i must say i dont like the view taken by your BF, he needs to raise children in teh sindhi way to pass on some of his upbringing. Not because his parnets want it!!

Secondly if you are even a little bit unadjusting than an intercaste marraige is not for you...especially when the boy is quite close to his parents.

he cannot love his dad and you in the same breath! both the loves are different. you need to be a little mature to udnerstand relationships..it will come after an year of marraige.

if he loves you really, there shouldnt be any cause to feel threatened by his relationshp with his parents.

Love and marraige are totally diffrent ball games. Make sure you are aware of what you are walking into.

take care and god help you with oyur decision..

cd