Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi everyone. my hubby is a nice man& people respect him for his good work and and good talks but at home he sometimes becomes very violent and starts talking harshly and beats me if i back answer him and abuses my parents. actually our marriage was arranged with condition of giving dowry but my hubby does not accepts that it is dowry according to him that is a help which my parents have done to themselves by giving dowry by marrying their daughter to a doctor.well don't misunderstand me to be ugly ,i am average looking.
it is now 5 yrs of our marriage and we have a 9 month child even now he keeps on abusing my parents for not giving money which he needs for my parents have bluntly refused with my consent.
so he torchers me . but he even feels guilty later for behaving like an animal. and feels sorry and is normal. pl help me A man replied. There are many issues at bay here. First, no one has the right to hurt someone. My late mother, was victimized by my father much. I have now ceased to communicate with him. What future does your family (including the child) have with this man?? Children, regardless remember everything. My life, was a rollcoaster filled with abuse. Unfortunately, many people fill an \";image\"; that they can't distort with the world at large. Fine, the hell if the f(*&(*&*&^*&^r is a doctor. Who gives a shit!! You, are lucky that you are not my sister. I would have pressed charges on him, like no body's business. Listen: no one deserves a beating, verbal and physical abuse. Five years, what do you see as your future (be honest)!! Also, this damn f(*&*&^*^*&^g dowry business. Which asshole came up with this crap?? Look within yourself. Find your strength through God. Please, watch Minister Joel Osteen on Pax tv. I say, if you can always start your life with someone other than him. Sex, well that's when everything is fair and equal. I hope this helps. Regardless, you are a loving soul. Don't let yourself or the family be flushed down. Thanks. Natia replied. Hi Bubbly,
Sorry it took me so long to reply, I was involved in a car accident a while back but am Ok now.
I can see that things are difficult for you BUT you have already taken the first step which is always the hardest. You have admited that what your husband is doing is wrong and that you are willing to seek help. If you are afraid or ashamed to give your name to the people at the shelter/DV help line, I am sure you can call them and talk to them anonymously at first. It is hard to give advice over the internet when i don't know all the details, so all I can do is repeat myself and say contact those who deal with this constantly. However if you need a non judjmental or sympathetic listener, feel free to write to me at enriques_fox at hotmail dot com
Are you living in Mumbai or US? I need to know the city you live in so I can get you the contact information.
take care Natia replied. Bubbly,
i am sorry to hear about your story. and it is the most common reason men get away with beating their wifes in India - the police will not do anything and the men can bribe their way out. I understand that you can not leave him because of your child. but try and seek some advice from a women's group. It might help just to have someone you can talk to about all your problems and who will not judge you or will not gossip to your hubby or family. Try going to couselling alone. Social support is very important in cases like this.
Threatening to go to the police by you or your father will not work because he knows you won't actually do it. I mean don't threaten something if you are not willing to carry it out coz it looses it's power.
Again, think of your baby. It might be good to have his father around especially if his father loves him, but what exapmle are you teaching your child?? That it is OK to hit a woman. By staying you are giving the message that it is OK to hit a wife as she will stay on no matter what. Research has shown that children who witness their fathers abusing the mothers are likely to end up beating their wifes too. Or if the child is a girl she is likely to end up in a relationship where she gets abused. Is that what you want for your child??
I can only repeat myself - SEEK HELP -even if it is only to talk to a women's domestic violence group, there are many in India, I know lots in Mumbay. They are in the best position to advise you, provide you with support etc.

Don't let fear keep this issue hidden, the reason men get away with beating their wifes is because nobody is willing to talk about it. By making it public you take away most of his power and control!! Natia replied. Hi Bubbly,
You are not alone in this. However pls realise what your hubby is doing is WRONG. Nothing you or your parents do will stop him, even paying the dowry demands! Abuse is his way of controlling you and through you, your family. I am not sure where you live but if you are in the US/UK or Australia seek advice from a women's advocacy group or domestic violence group. Know your rights in the eyes of the law and know what you can do and where you can go in case things get worse. Also go to the doctor when he hits you so there are medical records that can prove your story should it ever come to that. Make sure you have your important papers eg.passport, child's birth certificate etc. Then you can face your husband and tell him that he has to stop beating you and abusing you. He has to attend counselling or sometype of behaviour modification program. I know that marriage is sacred so leaving him is not an option until the very end. Let him know that you are aware of your rights, that you know the law is on your side, that you know what he is doing is wrong and that you are not afraid to seek help. This may make him think that \";if I keep on beating her she might leave me, so I had better stop.\"; But remember, research has shown that domestic violence only escalates over time, however in the rare cases where men do seek help to change it usually happens because the wife stood up to him (i don't mean stood up to him when he was beating her but she stood up to him by seeking help and legal advice). You have to stop it NOW. And if it gets really bad, your and your child's safety comes before your marriage or before what the community thinks. And if you are willing to give your life to keep up appearances think of what will happen to your child? Who will protect him/her form your husband?? How do you know he will not beat him/her later? Your safety comes first!
Often letting others know of your plight eg. friends in your community and women's groups, lawyer, is enough to force the man to try and change his behaviour. Most men are not comfortable with others knowing they abuse their wife.
So pls seek advice and support from those who deal with these issues often. in the US there are lots of these groups so check them out.
AND you are not alone - 40% of migrant indian women in the US get abused!!! Archie replied. Hi Bybbly,

You need to have a marriage counselling for your husband.

It's an issue that can not be helped by average people like us. We can suggest you but won't help as the problem is at your husband's side. The day he realizes the problem everything will be fine.

Take it easy.
Archie