How intimate are you with your partnerNULL A few interesting thoughts on intimacy by Harriet Lerner

Intimacy is not the same as intensity, although we are a culture that confuses these two words. Intense feelings no matter how positive are hardly a measure of true and enduring closeness. In fact, intense feelings may block us from taking a careful and objective look at the dance we are doing with significant people in our lives. Intense togetherness can easily flip into intense distance - or intense conflict, for that matter.

The challenge of intimacy is by no means limited to the subject of men, marriage, or romantic encounters, although some of us may equate 'intimacy' with images of blissful heterosexual pairings. A primary commitment to a man reflects only one opportunity for intimacy in a world that is rich with possibilities for connectedness and attachment.

Let's attempt a working definition of an intimate relationship. What does it require of us? For starters, intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same. 'Being who we are' requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. 'Allowing the other person to do the same' means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels, and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other.

An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.