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Role of in-laws:Dominating MIL
Name: M Singh Background: my MIL & FIL have been living with me at my house for about a decade. But MIL is subtly dominating and has a hold on DH. DH has regard for her every sigh but not even for my human requirements - such as food, rest, self esteem.
She plays all regular MIL tricks such as acting not well but with a twist- first she will work very hard so as to impress every body and when it is done show DH indirectly that she is old, weak and affected due to actions of DIL..... She is really fit- more than ladies of her age. DH moans of how weak she/FIL is and how she/FIL will die. MIL gets all that she wants by playing the health card. (emotions and guilt that mother/father will die). Even though he involves me in decision making, decisions are made to her benefit. At times these decisions are very costly and increase work pressure, stress on me. He claims to want the best for his children buut even in decisions relating to children does not listen to me. HELP!!! How to convince my husband??
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Anonymous Name: NM
Subject:  Same Story- Manupalting In Laws and Dutiful Husban
We are sailing in the same boat.My husband also does not have any feeling for my self respect. Probably he does not even want to understand that he is a married person and has his own family. He doesn' t want to take the side of the truth even if his parents' commit mistakes.He says i need to ignore things because they are elders.I had even tried to do that. But i realized that the more i tried to adjust, the more they tried to do thing their own way.
In my husband words, Elders have ego and high self etseem, and we being younger need to satisfy there EGO. But what if that is at the cost of our own self respect. The more husband want wife to compromise adjust and shut mouth the more in laws try to torture her mentally.
My husband does not look at the other side of story. These old women are really good at story telling and water works..and thats what my MIL does all the time.

As a result of all this i have become so aggressive, mentally sick to control myself, inturn i am also misbehaving with them.Now this has got my husband against me. Do i need to bow down , kill my self respect and continue for the sake of society and my parents??
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Name: Ananya
Subject:  My story
Looks like u r telling my story. I am going thru the same problem. The other day my mil drank soem tea I had prepared for her and said I had mixed someting in it(black magic). Then she kept on calling my husband. Guess what? My husband asked me to ignore it as we have better thing to do.
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Name: M Singh
Subject:  Take care
Dear NM,
I understand what you are going through.

You will have to compromise until you get the support of DH. DH is the key -he is the president/prime minister.

It is a very sad situation, becoz sometimes the cunning MIL as a DIL has had a good MIL- yet she does not spread love when her turn comes.

Do get support of DH, that is the only way. As all sons love their moms, the only way is to impress DH with your concern for Mom dearest. Lovingly serve her food -all Indian moms/sons love it. And be very sweet in his presence. (even if u feel like screaming don´ t).

Just follow this for a week and let me know the results.
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Anonymous Name: sm
Subject:  really cunning inlaws
i am also sailing in the same boat.
my inlaws are too rude and cunning.
they do all sort of things to make my husband against me.they live in india and we in usa but they rule my husband mind.not even inlaws my husband bros say bad things abuse me tell my husband to beat husband never says to bros bros dont say like this to my wife.
inlaws want to control my husband earning, i dont earn so they say u r like plays all sort of tricks from waterwork to health issue and says that ur wife wants us to die. they came to USA and did everything that forced me to leave home.but husband said sorry will not let his parents do all such mischief again, but next morning again.i can understand whoever facing such situation.
i am very angry very sad feel like finishing myself or leaving my hubby.but have 2 little kids thinking of their future.
once in india they throw me out of the house with my kids because i told them i cant tolerate their torture. sad thing my husband also gave my inlaws side saying they are my parents you have to listen and bear what they say and do to me advice
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Name: M singh
Subject:  Hi Cheer up!
So life has handed you a lemon.
When life gives you a lemon
make lemonade.

Torture tho it is, Accept this is how your MIL, FIL, DH are.That is your challenge.

Since they dont seem to love you- Just love your self. Stay connected with family/friends and seek assurance from them.

Know that ILs enjoy abusing but they dont get divorce papers.

In case of verbal torture:
What I know is that whatever has been said, has been said and the damage has been done by the speaker. If you dont react you dont increase the damage.

The bullying only stops when the bully fears you.

Since your husband supports MIL, the best response is not to restrain yourself, and keep calm during crisis. Take it as a challenge to be unaffected by verbal torture.

Reward yourself with a sweet/sugar/toffee whith each success (of lesser reaction).

Focus on winning this challenge. Best of luck!
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Anonymous Name: Mel
Subject:  Hi M Singh
How are things now ? Hope things are better. I know how these MILs can be. Manipulative, cunning, and passive aggressive. They know when to turn on the waterworks (crying), and when to play the health card. It' s shameful.

Just try and ignore her, and make it amply clear to her that you are ignoring her.

If she criticises you repeatedly. Tell your husband that you are listening to this repeatedly, and it is having a bearing on your children. let him intervene. Only he can control his mother.

On another note, try not to be depressed because of her. Go out, spend time with friends, take your children out on weekends. Just you and the kids. Let hubby stay back with his mother dearest. You bond with your kids.
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Name: M
Subject:  Thnks
Hi, I saw your meeg earlier but cd not respond as the website did not accept my login. Thanks for the concern. I keep on re-reading your replies for sanity. I cant say thngs are too much better but at lest I am accepting whatever it is and dont have unrealistic hopes. I agree with you about the MILs being controling.(mine is- they even control neighbours). Now I understand the expression about loving body, mind and soul much better!! For the mother has the mind and soul!

Actually i was very naive and idealisitic i never used emotions to get my way and she always used emotions against me. And now In DH heart all the emotions have been filled against me. A large part of his brain has been filled with negative thots. psychology emotions trigger learning. Oh, what has been done?
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Anonymous Name: Mel
Subject:  Hi
I know what you mean. Even I had come to the point when I used to hate seeing my MILs face. Because I used to forgive her so many times. I used to let go of things, and she would do something else, then something else, from morning to night.

But, you can' t fight this battle alone. You don' t understand. If this situation continues, she will turn your hubby against you, and very soon your daughter as well.

But, yes.... SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO BELITTLE YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR LITTLE CHILD. This HAS TO STOP. And it can only be stopped by hubby dearest.

Tell him firmly that this is what she is doing. And you WILL NOT tolerate this. That you have tolerated, and are tolerating ENOUGH crap on a daily basis, but infulencing your child... you will not stand for. And if HE ALLOWS THIS TO HAPPEN, then he is gutless and you will have to resign and ensure that this nonsense is stopped. Be firm and assertive (don' t yell or cry).

And tell him that EVERYTHING WORKS BOTH WAYS. If she can influence your daughter against you, even you can influence your daughter against her. But, ask him how your daughter will end up ? What will happen to her self confidence, her esteem, her idea of a happy loving home ?

Next, I recommend your daughter sleeps with you at night. It' s not fair. She will bond with whomever she sleeps with. So, since MIL has her the whole day, it' s only fair that she sleeps with you at night.

About your MIL, give logical rationales to her taunts, but do so patiently and calmly. Then she can' t point a finger at you. And it' s very important that you slowly get your husband on your side.

Tell him about all her torments. And that you just want his patient hearing. Since he is not standing up for you, tell him the least he can do is help you get it off your chest. Otherwise, you could discuss with your parents, but you don' t want to tarnish MILs image in front of them. He will agree. He doesn' t have a choice. And tell him of her daily behaviour. So, even he knows what' s going on.

And about her speaking about your family, etc. Tell her she isn' t exactly the role model MIL. Tell her of other MILs who are so kind and caring and treat their DILs like their own daughters. Tell her very sweetly, that you are elder, you first become ideal. And then you expect me to be ideal. Ask her to be the ideal grandmother and not fill her grandchilds mind with her personal enemity and bitterness. Ask her to restrict her fights to logic and not personal attacks on her DIL who is half her age. And ask her to refrain from speaking about your family, otherwise you will convey it to them, and she can explain herself.
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Name: M Singh
Subject:  Unhappy
I am very unhappy having to live with a wicked woman and being told that I am bad. I feel sorry at what my life has become. According to my husband my MIL is justified in hurting and harming me. Unfortunately my FIL is incapicitated and can not live in his native place.

Ny MIL is nice to my children but very mean to me. So much that a tolerant person like me goes crazy. I feel very unhappy about all that has happened to me , my life and cry a lot. Of course it is not the end of the world but still i feel unhappy .

I am a very hardworking person but my MIL always shows that i am a bad mother and wife.She has tormented me throughout my pregnancy.

I **** her.
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Name: M
Subject:  Agree
Hi Mel, I shall use your way to deal with taunts - i feel more prepared and also confident. I wish i had found you earlier.

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Anonymous Name: M singh
Subject:  MIL..
Dear mel, you know the background. I am not able to take the constant and stupid pricks of MIL and now civilly refute all that she says. So for her constant refrain that I dont take care of my children, that i dont take care of my husband, that i fight all the time, that my family background is like this, that i dont take care of IL ..... Well I am not taking this **** any more. I just give her logic that when she wants the best for her grandchildren why does she deposition a mother in front of her children- is not a mother a child' s role model and does not the childs heart hurt. Moreover she also adds to the situtation by speaking ill of her DIL. As u can figure out I **** her. I just feel like exposing her. After she is given irrefutable logic, she stops that activity. But finds other activity to torment me. My target is that she claims that she wants my children to do well, then she should also cooperate. Their is not much support from other ILS to MIL at present. However I kow that she will take revenge after few years/ at oppurtunity. Relationship is already strained, i feel that this xposure will only make it worse she always takes revenge. What do you think that i should do 1.epxose her duplicity fully now (and have revenge after 2-3 years) 2.allow her to save face (wherein she wil carry on teasing me which is intolerable) 3. take my children -kid and toddler out of her domain and ignore her ( she does resaonable job of seeing that they are fed but does not listen to me and taunts me also - such as what duty do you do, daughter is too attached with her and sleeps with her) 4. any other.

Writing this mail is therapeutic it makes me see clearly the outcome : if children are with her she makes them attached and dependent at the same time means to spoil my relationship with my children.So pl. advise me.
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Anonymous Name: M Singh
Subject:  Venting...
This is just venting....
I hate her. She gets the better of all situations. She is filling my daughter with junk. And she is filling my life with junk. I dont want her in my life. I want out.
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Anonymous Name: Mel
Subject:  Hi
I know what you mean. It was the same for me. When I used to live with my ILs. It was like even waking up in the morning was so depressing.

And to add to it, my MIL would say something or the other from morning to night.

But, I didn' t want to pressurize my husband to leave.

There' s 2 things you can do. One is... be civil to your ILs so he feels happy as a son. But, don' t let her bad behaviour go undeterred. So, tell your husband that you won' t move out. But, that you need a vent to talk about what she puts you through. That vent can be him, as you would not like to confide in a friend or in your family members.

And whenever she does something, speak about it to him, subtly (without attacking her). Don' t say that he is mean... instead say that sometimes she talks to me so hurtfully.

Trust me, most men will understand their spouses pain when communicated subtly. Just keep trying and please keep your spirits up. If you are depressed, it just makes your MIL happier. YOu know what will drive her crazy. If you are confident, and unaffected by her. In the day, when she says things to you, smile at her (as if she is of no consequence to you), and then walk away. Don' t even bother to let her finish. And in front of your husband, be civil and normal with her. Play her tricks back on her.

But, be happy at least for your own sanity and your own future. Because of my MIL, I became bitter, negative and depressed for extended periods of time. And I realised that that made my near and dear ones suffer, while it had no consequence on her. Don' t let that happen to you.

I find such MILs shameless. They are playing tricks and trying to torture someone who is the next generation. How Shameful.

All the best. Cheer up. If she torments you, torment back. If she comments, comment back subtly (and not in front of hubby). Give her a taste of her own medicine.
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Name: M Singh
Subject:  MIL...
Dear Mel,
It is so re-assuring to receive your messages. They have rational ways of dealing with the situtation. After-all I dont want to become a clone of my MIL. UGHHH...

And yes I am carrying out your advice..
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Anonymous Name: M Singh
Subject:  Unhappy
Dear Mel,
Thanks for your sensible advice. I have been in depression for some time. But now I am better. Yet sometimes i feel very unhappy and dont want to live. As i have to live with my MIL for the next so many years. MY DH tells me that i am wrong to ask him to live independently from his parents, as they will die.
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Anonymous Name: Mel
Subject:  Hello M Singh
Just read your posts.

I can understand what you are going through.

But, instead of worrying and fretting, try and establish where all you can regain control of your house.

Maybe you husband, MIL and FIL won' t listen to you, but you CAN ENSURE THAT THE MAID DOES LISTEN TO YOU.

Don' t tell the maid NOT to listen to your MIL. Instead, tell her, that the next time you GIVE her an instruction, if she doesn' t follow it, it will be her last day. Second, almost everyone works for money, if she does listen to some instruction of yours despite your MILs counter instructions, give her Rs. 50, and tell her that that is a reward for doing what has been told to her. Do this discreetly.

Give her whatever instructions can be delegated to her. She has to ensure that all food items are fresh. If something is in the fridge, she will cook it. Food outside should be warmed or refrigerated, but nothing should go to waste.

Honestly, I wouldn' t leave my son with my MIL no matter what. How old are your kids ? Are they going to school ?

For these decisions, involve your husband, but you have to be logical, and he WILL listen to you.

Try and have a discussion with him one evening, (after he has had his food), and be absolutely calm. Tell him that you do not always see eye to eye with your MIL, but that its ok. As it happens in most families. And that you want to try your best to make things ok in the family. Once he is convinced about this, tell him that you also need his help in this matter.

Tell him that there are certain things that strain the relationship, and if these things can be handled by him, it would help improve your relationship with your ILs.

The only area that he has to help you in is the kids. Do not delegate any other issues to him... kitchen issues will make a husband run for the hills. So, just delegate the kids issues to him. Tell him that they are watching crappy programs and it is bad for their development. Ask him if he can subtly and firmly ask his parents to ensure that the kids watch educational programs or not at all. Ask him to commit to this, and if he does, then leave it to him to ensure that it is followed.

Start off with these 2 things, and lets see how it goes.

All the best.
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Anonymous Name: M
Subject:  More of the same
One has to be so tough. And manage ones emotions. It can be so draining. The IL tussle. What is this that our society has done? Mandated laws favorable to an MIL ?
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Name: M Singh
Subject:  Please advise
My MIL dominates my house - if i clean up my house she messes it up, if i get vegetables she rots them, if i give instructions to maid she gives counter instructions. My house crawls with coackroaches, food in the fridge rots, food in the kitchen has fungus.Prior to IL´ s comin and staying in my house it was very well run and we were very hapy. My MIL does not listen to me.

Even the way children are being nurtured is very strange. There is so much dependence. They are shown cheap TV programs.

Every morning when i greet her she close to snarls at me.

She makes me feel worse when I am low. She aggravates tensions. It has such an effect on children.

I support my IL in all ways. DH is attached to them and does not want to cut the apron strings. Over the years my relationship with DH has gone for a toss.

Is it necessary for working mom to leave her kid and baby in such a home environment. I think it is better to bring up kid and baby in a healthy , haapy environment even a good day care. Please advise

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