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Role of in-laws:Can I break up with in-laws??
2008-07-24
Name: matrix Mine is a love marriage.
The very next day when I got married my MIL entered my room, put a latch, put her arms and legs on my husband and started moaning. I just hated the site and protested after my MIL went out. My hubby said I' m disgusting to talk such thing about mother-son relationship. I thought may be my MIL is feeling insecure due to her son' s love marriage. During the first year of marriage there was continuous demand of physical touch from my MIL & my hubby was giving it. (They always used to sit next to each other touching each other). After giving the ultimatum me or her, things changed in my life when it came to physical touch. However she influences my husband a lot.
After I had a baby recently they came over to visit us. My hubby took the baby from me everytime whenever the baby was awake and gave to his mom. I was just a person required for feeding the baby. I could not take it.
I really want to end the relationship with my in-laws now. But that would mean my husband too ending the relationship with them. They would not be able to come over to my place. I dont want to break the relationship between mother-son or grandparent-grandchild.

I keep on getting extreme thoughts......sometimes I feel extremely guilty for thinking of breaking the relationship......sometimes I get angry at my husband and in-laws for behaving like that.
I always wanted to take care of my in-laws in their old age. But now I have started realizing that it may not be possible. I feel guilty for that also and feel incapable of adjusting with others.
My husband gives me example of other DILs who are adjusting with their MIL.

What if my children ask me in future why I got their grandparents away from them?
The next question I would like to ask is ' Am I overreacting?'
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2012-02-02
#1
Anonymous Name: Indianguy
Subject:  Covert incest - what the HELL??

I can' t believe that such women exist on this earth who view the filial love their husband has more his mother in such dirty, perverted manner.

Covert incest is a term invented/coined by western societies and please don' t to our family relationships.

Who said that there is anything wrong in:

- grown-up married son being fed by his mother by her own hands

-resting one' s head in his mother/grandmother' s lap

- a grown-up son sitting close to his mother besides each other and having some talk

- a man being hugged by his mother/grandmother even if on a regular basis

- a guy being in shorts & vest in the presence of his parents including his mother

My ears burn with shame & disgust
when I read such perverted and sinful thoughts and opinions voiced so shamelessly by some women on this forum about a pure, innocent mother-son relationship.

Don' t imitate the western ideology and belief blindly.

Do you know that in countries like UK, US if a stranger innocently cuddles or pats someone else' s kid on his head/back (even if it is an infant) on the street, he/she risks himself/herself being labelled as a pervert.
Does such perverted labelling happen in India?

Aren' t we Indians generally friendly by nature and don' t we sometimes pass sweet remarks about a cute kid?

Is this an or should it be considered to be an obscene/perverted gesture in India?

COME ON ANSWER THIS QUESTION NOW.

Many westerners are appalled by physical proximity between members of the same gender in India.
Don' t old buddies at times put arms around each other' s neck, once in a while even if they belong to same gender in India?
It is considered to be perfectly normal in India but in the west, they are immediately viewed as gays & lesbians.

In India, straight guys do exhibit mild displays of such camaraderie amongst themselves (as close friends) & it is perfectly normal & viewed simply as a sign of their friendship. (Things might change in future though in India)


In west, they use ' sex' to view everything which is so wrong.

And if parents-in-law have problems with you holding your hubby' s hands or hugging him in front of them,
then you got to understand that as per our Indian family & societal setting, such open, public displays of affection between married couples is generally viewed as distasteful and frowned upon even in big & modern cities.

So, woman: hold your reins and don' t let your creepy and perverted imagination run wild because it will ruin everything.

It' s people like you who want to destroy & tarnish the sanctity of completely innocent and pure-as-a-morning-dewdrop realtionships because of your real sick thinking.

Change your dirty thinking because the the son and his mother aren' t wrong nor is their behavioural pattern.

You need urgent psychiatric treatment and should be kept under constant supervision else you might roam around dangerously in your house & on the streets and threaten the realtionships, life and the very existence of people around you.


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2008-08-19
#2
Anonymous Name: matrix
Subject:  Hi Novita
Hi Novita,

I can' t really help you much apart from symphathizing with you. I too have gone through similar situations like peeping into my room or putting legs on my husband, MIL changing her blouse in front of her son, MIL trying to feed (lunch, dinner, breakfast) me when he is not around so that she can be with him alone at meal times, when I' m talking to my husband talking in between or coming between us physically etc. She had the desire of accompanying us on our honeymoon! Can you imagine that? She did not come only for the reason ' what would ppl say?'
Please don' t use the words like ' incest' in front of him. It will deeply hurt your husband and make him keep distance from you.
As I suggested dil, try talking to his close friends about this.

Even in my case MIL started expecting my hubby to call her up every day and talk to her for at least 20 min and he used to do it..........even when he came late and did not have time for his wife! It' s very clear that these MILs are very very insecure as the behaviour changed all of a sudden after marriage.
The only thing I would suggest is seeking help from psychiatrist without telling your husband first. You can tell him the outcome later.

All the Best!

My hubby has started keeping distance from his mother. But somehow I feel that it is not going to last longer. I' m just scared of the situation when he says ' I cannot keep distance from my mother. Afterall she is my mother! Do whatever you want!' If it happens in future it' s going to break my heart even more. I will never be able to come out of the depression if this happens.
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2008-08-25
#3
Name: dil
Subject:  hi
Hi Matrix and Novita,

Thanks for your replies ..

As you said Novita, my MIL doesnt let my husband even sit next to me, she cannot even bear to see if he smiles looking at me, when she is there she is the queen, all are her slaves and we have fulfill every wish of hers no matter how unrealistic it is, she thinks she is GOD and she pretends to be overly religious, she says that GOD will come if she chants the mantras and she has deep bhakti, so crazy ,she sits in front of the GOD and curses others.. that is her puja. She thinks she has a unique connection with GOD and he keeps telling her things in her dreams. My husband is the only child and I´ m pretty sure that he had a bad childhood ,but they are hiding things, he is very scared and afraid of her mother who makes him feel very guilty.
About money, my husband hardly had any savings when I got married, I started taking care of things and our savings went up well, that created more trouble for me in my personal life as my MIL no longer controlled the money matters and she made my life hell, she told me that her son´ s money is her money and I´ m the outsider , her son´ s house is her house, and I´ m the one who came from outside. with all this I totally left from the finance scene and now I dont even know what we have, my husband, MIL and FIL talk about those issues, they did not even let me visit my brothers who stay in the US only and tell me if I go to visit them I should leave forever. My husband used to behave very differently when his parents were not around, but now he seems to be behaving like a zombie doing exactly as per the remote button pressed by his mother some many miles away. I dont know what this is, it surely is not a normal family. I tried looking up narcissist personality disorder and the description fits my MIL in black and white, it is just like describing her.

Ok then, take care and do let me know how to better control my situation.
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2008-08-24
#4
Name: matrix
Subject:  

I think I faced all the problems only during first year of my married life. I read about ´ covert incest´ . It was more about child abuse. But in my case it does not look like that. My DH is not afraid of commitments. He is happy with our marriage. So hopefully he did not go through all these as a child and these things started only after my marriage.

During first year he used to eat whatever his mom used to tell him. But I started telling him what to eat and why to eat. Slowly he understood that his wife prepares much nutritous food and knows much better than his mom when it comes to health. For certain things I used to take him to doctor and tell the doc to tell him.

Reg my family, I always made sure that I was giving much more importance to my ILs than my parents. MIL could not find a reason to cut off from my family.

About money......my situation was exactly like yours Novita. However I took control of the finances. Once DH understood that his financial situation was much better after I took the control he gave up gradually. I have god knowledge about share market, real estate etc. Once he told his mom to write down the expenses and show. Obviously she never did it. She used to tell something vaguely.
Remote controlling - yes! it happens now also sometimes. Right now the morst irritating thing I´ m facing is I do not have any privacy. Whatever I do, whatever I say everything is told to my MIL.
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2008-08-24
#5
Name: Novita
Subject:  Hi, Matrix, dil
dil, yes, I do agree with what you said about this term. This is termed as " Covert incest" . After seeing my MIL´ s behavior, I got so worried that I started searching for some soltuions in google. I came across this term there and even came to know about this website through that way.
My hubby´ s day to day behavior varies. The moment we step into out in-laws house,he suddenly changes. He isn´ t allowed to even talk to me, sit next to me etc. His mom is so strong in influencing him that he even forgets if his wife has had her lunch or dinner or for that matter if I am at home or not. My DH was not like this before marriage. But gradually I have seen remarkable changes in him. These days, if we both go to a party, he does not even bother to be with me or have dinner with me. He is with his friends all the time, ignoring me to the fullest extent. All these started happening exactly from the time of my marriage. I dont know if I was wrong in judging my husband or if his mom changed him totally.
Yes, regarding food also he relies completely on his mommy dear. Whatever she advices, he goes by that. When we are in Middle East(not with IL´ s) he nags of what I prepare, but if I pressurize him, he would eat it. But the moment his mommy dear is around, NO,he turns out strange.
I have not seen my MIL changing her clother infront my DH so far though, but when he changes his clothes, my MIL finds ways to enter the house. If he is wearing a vest, then she would touch his chest and .....you know where I am mentioning. This has hurt me immensely and I am so shattered that I fear of the next trip now.Like you said, your MIL does not like your hubby´ s involvement with yur family, its the same with me too.
Now that we are planning for our next trip, my MIL strictly adviced us not to go to my parent´ s house and stay there for some time. Instead visit them first and stay there for the maximum number of days and just visit my parents for saying " Bye" and come back to Middle East. Can you imagine what a b*tch she is??? And my hubby too supports that. Recently we had huge fight on this topic and we are not sure when can we go for our vacation.
Regarding money, my MIL is never satisfied with any amount of money. I am clueless as to how much is required by a housewife of 55+ years of age as pocket money. All her expenses like grocery, her sarees, phone bills, electricity bills, water bills, almost everything is beared by us. My hubby sends money to 2 different accounts,one my FIL and other to MIL, because my MIL nags everytime that my FIL does not lend her any money and hence she needs some amount separately from what we send to my FIL. My hubby has neither any objection nor any doubt as to what is the story behind it. If I start writing about all these, this pad will not be enough.
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2008-08-22
#6
Name: dil
Subject:  hi
Hi Matrix and Novita,

I really dont know how to characterize my problem also, it is not a typical MIL-DIL - this is more like a problem between the first wife and second wife of the husband. My MIL behaves like his wife rather than a mother. About using the word " incest" - I think this behaviour is called " covert incest" - try looking it up. I havent been able to open up to my husband because I used talk earlier and they started giving me threats of divorce, My IL´ s dont live with us, we are in USA and my IL´ s in India, they have visited us twice for a year and that is when she has totally destroyed my marriage, before it wasnt all that bad. she changes her clothes in front of my husband, she wants my husband hug her and sleep next her immediately after coming from work, she did not let him be with me when I delivered my children who were in the intensive care unit.she has dragged me from my bedroom to the maindoor telling me to leave my husband and divorce him, she asked me to leave before she goes back to india, I have faced all the things quietly hoping my husbad would one day understand or see through his mother but heart is totally after his behaviour during my childbirth. However as I said before I came into this relation with lot of dreams and I want to continue.

How does your husband behave otherwise in other aspects other than his mother-
1. Like food - my MIL tells him what to eat and what not to eat- he does exactly that. Even if he likes an item he doesnt eat because his mother told him.
2. Social behaviour- My MIL tried to cut us off from all our friends - she has been successful in doing that to my husband so that he only thinks, talks to her. He only mingles with the people she determines.
3. She has cut him off totally from my family.
4. She makes all the decisions and remote controls my husband who behaves exactly like the way she tells him to.

I was just wondering how your husband´ s behave in day to day life.

Awaiting your responses. Thanks.
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2008-08-08
#7
Anonymous Name: matrix
Subject:  Update
Thanks Namita.
I sent a mail to my husband with list of all the things which bother me. As I put everything together for the first time, it made an impact on him. It was not very easy (uncomfortable) to write everything in a mail.
In fact he read this post also. He has decided to keep the distance. Let' s see.
It took 7 years for me to come to this stage. I know and agree.... it' s not easy to blow it up.

I totally understand you dil. Few tips from me. I feel you need to start the conversation with your husband either directly or indirectly. I would suggest to talk to his best friend first.......in your husband' s presence. Initially the tone should be ' may be I' m not able to understand the closeness between you and your mother. But try not to do this for my sake' . Otherwise he will never listen. Talk about you taking the decisions first. Slowly start talking about other things.

When a third person tells something, that will definitely make an impact on him. That' s what I did. I tried talking to my SIL first. But obviously she supported her mother and brother.
If you directly point at his mistake, it will hurt his ego and he is not going to like it.

After a year I asked him ' If your sister does the same thing with your father, will her husband accept it?' I never got any answer. But I know it helped him in understanding the problem.

Keep your MIL busy especially when your hubby comes home. You can start some group of elders and suggest them to go on picnic once in a month. Everyday evening you can ask her to go to temple. Initially you yourself accompany her. Ask her to take tutions in the evenings. Make sure that she gets too tired.

I assume that you are into s/w. Why dont you try settling in some other country? Or at least go somewhere for a couple of years. Let him get used to you and him taking the decisions. May be it' s just lack of confidence for him. You can tell that it (going to some other country) will be good for your kids (even if you dont believe it).

If you dont talk to your husband, things are going to get accumalated. It' s not going to be a very good scenario for your kids if it explodes. Afterall you are a human being. You may become like your MIL if you dont give a way out to your feelings.

There is no difference between love marriage and arranged marriage once you get married. You just feel that you know the person because of which you cannot accept what you havent seen before marriage.

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2008-08-19
#8
Name: Novita
Subject:  Hi, Matrix
I can so relate my life with you in this topic. My god!!! all of you have faced similar issues as mine.I was xtremely upset when I witnessed such a disgusting behavior. The first day we entered the house, my MIL started kissing and hugging my hubby. I thought it to be normal as some people have different ways of showing their affection and also she saw her child after almost a year. However, I was alarmed with the sight that I witnessed in the consequitive days. Every 1/2 an hour my MIL started kissing, cuddling her son. My hubby asked me to take out his shirt/trouser and undergarments from the suitcase while he went to have bath. Immediately when my hubby came out from the shower,while changing I saw my MIL trying to enter the door. I objected immediately. I was not allowed to sleep with my hubby and if at all there is no alternative place to accomodate my hubby, then he has no choice but sleep next to me. In that case, we have to keep the door wide open of our room and I saw my MIL getting inside the room every dawn and staring at me and my hubby. As soon as I realized this, I woke up and she pretended as though she would use the washroom thats attached to that room. Another incident was that she very conveniently send me to the other room to retire to the bed and took her son to a dark room, where they sat next to each other. My MIL putting her legs on my hubby´ s thighs and caressing my hubby´ s thights with her hands. My hubby was wearing a short. Can you imagine what an awful site was that??? I started shivering looking at this.

But when I discussed this with my hubby that I really got shocked seeing such a site, he got annoyed on this. He stated that I am being jealous of my MIL. Imagine ladies?? What should I do?? I really feel like breaking every knot from them and I feel this is a case of incest. I searched and researched on the internet to find some solution to this problem, but I cant get any. If I tell my hubby, he gets annoyed as he thinks everything is right and I am over reacting. Though we dont live with my in-laws but I am really scared to visit them next time.
I know my hubby since college days and this mother-son love affair started just after we got married. In his college days my MIL never used to call him even on his b´ day and I was the person to take care of him both monetarily and emotionally. Suddenly after marriage everything changed and I got a shock of my life. Where you guys able to solve this??? Please advice me too.
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2008-08-01
#9
Anonymous Name: matrix
Subject:  Thanks
Hi Namita and Neeta,

I would like to thank you for your suggestions. It really helped me to gather my strength.
At this point of time I am in a doubt whether to continue relationship with my husband or not.........forget about his mother. Unfortunately my relationship with my husband is already affected.

dil and Afriend,

I' m almost in the same situation as yours. She did have problem if we sit next to each other or if we talk to each other. Whatever I tell my husband he straight away tells his mother. I do not have any privacy or space inspite of us living far away from each other. She felt bad when we went on our honeymoon because she could not come.
There are many things which have to be private between husband and wife. But my MIL knows those things also. Now I' m afraid of opening my mouth in front of my husband and feel like keeping distance from him.

I agree with Afriend.
I suggested my hubby to engage her in some activity and show her to some psychiatarist. But he is afraid to tell her so. Now even if he does, I' m least bothered.
About engaging herself, he says that she is not interested in anything and it' s not possible to change her at this age.
Basically he is not ready to accept that there is a problem. If at all he accepts, he is not ready to take any step towards the solution.

My MIL was independant. But she never loved her husband. For that matter even my parents do not have very good relationship. If I had a brother, I don' t think my mother would do such thing. I know many other aged couples who dont get along with each other. But I do agree that she has some problem. In front of friends and relatives she tries to show off her relationship with her son.

Mine is a perfect marriage if only 2 people are involved in it. With my MIL in between it has become a disaster.

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2008-08-07
#10
Name: dil
Subject:  hi
Hi Matrix,

Yes ..mine also seems like a perfect marriage without the involvement of my MIL, but now adays I ask myself it is really true because it is my husband who is allowing all this involvement of hers, if he can just tell her firmly to keep to her limits then it is solved , but it is not happening - my husband is absolutely remote controlled by her, he eats what she tells him, talks only to the people she tells him to and reports back to her each and every conversation he has with everyone including me and we dont have anything personal/ private - there is no boundary at all - my MIL even tells me that my husband doesnt get the mood to sleep with me and that I´ m not pretty - huh ! Actually I´ m above average looking and she is a monster but which mother will actually talk about a son and his wife´ s relation like this. She has not let my husband be by myside even at the time of birth of my children, my children were both in the ICU and she didnt let him be with me or my children in the hospital - he was shopping with her !!. She also told me that I dont have a uterus and I cant give birth to children and hence my husband should divorce me. My husband is just silent with all this and he says that his mom said all this as she was sad - what is this ?. She didnt even let me celebrate my daughter´ s first birthday - and my husband didnt celebrate it because his mom told him to - I felt like I was punched in my stomach -not being able to celebrate my daughter´ s birthday . I hold a professional degree and masters from india and also a masters degree from the US. It is just a sad state that we being girls have to bear all this crap. Now I really dont / cant share any of my feelings with my husband. But yes I´ m continuing my relation with him because my children need him and also I have invested alot in this relation, all my dreams, all my love and hope and when I got married , I was an innocent girl with lot of dreams .
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2008-08-04
#11
Name: Namita
Subject:  dnt do that
dnt ever spoil ur relation with ur husabnd... is ur husbdn with u, does he undrstnds u .. if yes, then y r u thinking of ending ur relation with him

r u staying with IL´ s or seperate?

as i told u earlier is u r staying seperate then pls. u r in far more better position ...... dnt take such steps ... 2nd thing, abt u think bad for breaking relation with IL´ s n thnk wht ur children will think in future .. pls. dnt feel guilty, evn i wnt tht my children shud get grandparents love, we shud stay in joint family, bt may be we r lucky or unlucky for that ... ofcourse, our children vl undrstnd all this ... in my case i dnt hve to feel guilty once i m out of this home bcoz my IL´ s themselves told us to move out

i request u to solve this prob. bt nt to evn think abt ending relation with husbnd .. never mind whtever happened till now , now u cn start again to built up ur relation with him ... once he starts loving n trusting u, belive me, he vl do as u wish, he vl himself keep distance with his mother .. it vl take time .. bczo u hve cme in his life may be 2 or 3 yrs back n he is with his mother for almost 30 yrs. so her behaviour vl be all ok for him

dnt make him undrstnd wher she or he is wrong ... rather tell him wht u like n dnt like (yes both are imp.) ... dnt crib abt his parents, rather talk to him abt both of u

it vl take time, u vl also get irritated n frustrated n feel like enough is enough bt just keep in mind tht u vl get to stay happy with husband once day, this is ray of hope (only if ur husbnd is undrstnding, n realise wht u r going thru) ... if ur husbnd is not as i said then my ans. vl be bit different

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2008-07-31
#12
Anonymous Name: dil
Subject:  be brave and rational
First thing I want to say is that you are not over reacting ..you are absolutely normal !. I just dont understand how a mother can behave with a grown up son like that and how that son who is say 30 -35years can even tolerate such behaviour from his mother.

I' m saying this because my MIL is also like that ..she behaves more like a wife with my husband than a son, it is so sick to look at them and most of all my FIL also stays there only and does not say a word - it is as though every thing is normal. I really commend you for taking it up with your husband and talking to him about how you feel - may be you were able to do it because it was a love marriage - I havent talked about it to my husband - I just dont know how to bring up that topic or talk about it -It is sick.
Now my MIL cannot even tolerate if me and my husband sit next to each other - she will call him on some pretext and hold him etc ..they have watch movies together with him on her lap - crazy stuff. I sometimes feel that my MIL has some psychiatric problem that they are hiding or whatever because she so jealous and cannot bear to see us even smile at eachother -she tells me stuff not to sleep with her son etc. My husband is so silent with everything. With this I want to say that you are not over reacting - I feel the same way, I dont know how your MIL behaves in other respects. My MIL just remote controls my husband and he just exactly what she says - it is as though his mind is shut off and he is just her robot -she doesnt even let him mix with friends or have any hobbies - she has cut him off from my family and me - his wife - we really dont share much of our thoughts because he tells her everything- It is like she is first wife - the problem doesnt seem like a MIL-DIL problem in my case. I' m holding on because I have invested alot in this relation and I got married with lot of dreams about my life.
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2008-08-01
#13
Name: Afriend
Subject:  Talk to ur husband
Dear Dil,
All my sympathies with u .Really it is very hard & mentally tormenting to live like this .
I think she has some psychiatric problem .Sometimes what happens ladies who are not very independent ,or do not get much love attention from their husband or ladies who do not have any personality & identity of their own tend to do all these things to show others that see they are so imp.(if it means their son only)they are not neglected .It gives them a mental high .U can trace all these things to her childhood also maybe she was a neglected child & so in order to get attention does all this
I suggest u to talk to ur husband very politely & cleverly & take her to some good psychiatarist & if they are not ready & talk to a psychiatrist urself & tell him abt this .Talk to ur husband & try knowing more abt her past & childhood so that u can get the root of the problem .
C i wld tell u one thing that in the long run it will affect u mentally .
Do not take so much of pain .
Evry prob. has a solution & in place of tormenting urself find a way out .
All my wishes are with u .
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2008-07-31
#14
Anonymous Name: dil
Subject:  aa
a
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2008-07-25
#15
Anonymous Name: Namita
Subject:  hi
i guess you are already staying away from IL' s. If yes, i can say then you are at peace only apart from those time when ur MIL visits you. For those few moments hope she dont stay with you people for days when she visit, only this period you have to adjust, then thats ok

I feel it is practically not possible to break your relations completely with peace .. n as neena said it will end up creating difference bet. u n ur husband ... so better do it slowly .. now the baby is new in ur family so let them cuddle as much as they want after few months you slowly start getting hold on it by speaking nicely with ur MIL

this wont hurt ur husband nor ur relation .. never mind wht ur MIL feels ... atleast u can say ur husband that even u adjusted like other DIL' s .. believe me there are no OTHER DIL' S who adjusts, we only presume this
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2008-07-25
#16
Anonymous Name: neena
Subject:  Re:
You are totally justified in reacting to your hubby and mil getting cosy all the time physically. but you dont have to go to extremes like breaking away from inlaws all together. and mind you if you do succeed doing that then it will affect ur relation with ur hubby in a bad manner. so, the sensible thing to do is to set boundaries. for that you need to get support and understanding from ur hubby. you stay away from inlaws so much trouble is already saved, now you have to work on the plan to have a love filled life with ur hubby at the same time maintain decent relation with inlaws (may be just for formality). they visit you only for few days and in those days if mil keeps holding ur baby instead of u then i dont think its a big problem for a few days. u have already talked to ur hubby that u r uncomfortable with mil n him touching eachother all the time so i guess that is resolved now. just concentrate on making hubby-wife realtion stronger instead of concentrating on dil-inlaws relation. noone has perfect inlaws but we should we sensible enough not to spoil our married life just because we have weird inlaws. have courage and set things right in your house. if you behave wisely in this situation it will also earn you your hubby' s trust. just stop cribbing and complaining abt inlaws to hubby. whenever you have aproblem about inlaws bring it to your hubby' s attention using clam voice and wise words.
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