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Waiting to try:baby or abortion
2002-07-31
Name: alka hi everyone
i have 5 months old baby girl and recently came to know that i am pregnant . i am in very much confusion ,what to do ,to continue or terminate my pregnancy .I don't want to get abortion but i am alos afraid of that what if it would be a baby girl .and another more bigger fear is that i am in usa and not going to get any third help and my husband can take maximum 10 days leave from hi s job . Morever will i be able to handle both the babies togther ? i do all househld work alone as here all other do .
what shouldi do? My doctor has asked me that if i wantabortion then its possibel till 12 week after that she will not do it . iam in a big dilemma . Myhusband has refused to corporate with me as he is in total favor ofabortion but i know he may chnage his decision if any solution is available .
one more thingi am due in march last and in october , we are going pemanently to india back and there i can get the servants . the main problem is justfor these 5 months.
pleaes advise me what should i do ? i should contine my pregnanc or terminte it ?
reply soon
bye
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2002-08-13
#1
Name: alka
Subject:  alka here
Hello Everyone,
Alka this side . I read all of your expressed views and thankful for that kind concern .
Like most of you , I am also not happy with my decision and thats why I am holding my pregnancy as far as possible for me with a hope that may be good sense will prevail my husband or may be some other solution will come before me (a miracle for me ) but its all my individual effort and I am not getting any cooperation from my husband in that at all but just tensions and criticism .
Anyway , I am not disagreed with dell also .i feel dell is right in her approach as I also think that if parents cant give their baby proper nurturing environment , love and warm welcome than they have no right to bring the baby into this world .it will be like destroying the life of the child because the innocent baby will be the target of the frustration of his own parents.
I am also agreed that its better to give the baby for adoption rather than killing the baby even before her birth but in my case question is that to whom . and whats the guarantee that child will get all the security and love in that adopted family . I know there are many good couples but still I feel myself insecure for going that idea. Thats right that it feels very good that our baby is alive at any other place .
As far as some views are also regarding the financial condition , so my husband has a strong financial backbone . morever he is earning here fine atleast we can manage 2 babies easily , definitely we cant afford nanny or day care .
For that unborn baby , I can sacrifice my married life also .I am a professionally qualified girl and was earning well in India before marriage . Here in usa I feel myself like handicapped as I am on dependent visa and have a small baby to take care . But the only thing that stops me from taking such step is just my daughter . What will be the future of my daughter without her father ? India is not so advance still in these matters . Numbers of question will arise and all of these things will make my daughters future insecure .
Still whats happening during all of these days that my husband is continuously quarreling with me . my 5 months old daughter is watching it . No matter what can she understand but its all is not happening for her good . My husband is very frustrated and day by day , our differences are increasing .
I have told that my parents in india and they are ready to give me every kind of possible help . They are calling me to india for my delivery and even after the birth of the baby , they are ready to keep my daughter until I come back to India but again question is that what will be the attitude of my husband after that towards that new baby ? and as far as I know him then its not going to be good for that new baby and also becoming worst for me .
Sometimes I think that when my married life is already on rolling stone then why should I make such big compromise of unborn baby just for the sake of that married life and to keep my husband happy. Why so much adjustment ? My husband just want to enjoy his life and he wanted even babies after a long time of marriage . he was not happy even with my first pregnancy . thats now in 5 months that he has started taking care or paying attention to my(our) daughter .
His words hurt me very much whenevr we go outside and our daughter cries he says to me look . because of that I did not want baby and now you are going to have another baby without my consent . who will take care of them ?
Well , my husband does not realize the importance of babies in life . I feel that he got the babies easily . He is very happy and satisfied in having his brothers daughter but not his own daughter . his behaviour make me realize that his bhabhi , their daughter and they are all one family and me and my daugher has come from outside .
That why I am writing ,my daughter instead of our daughter .
What can I do ? I did my best . But ultimately I realize that I cant change him much .
Its his foolishness that he will realize after long time .as a wifeits my failure that I could not make a place for me and my dauhter in his life .but I ask one q. to myself that can you feed someone who is not hungry .h
I wanted to see the real happiness of becoming a father on his face but it was not .
So I was firm determined not to have second baby until he asks me for that but unfortunately just one time missed precaution made me pregnant .
Its unfair to say that I was not taking precaution but it just happened in one chance .
Still I am not unhappy from that but also finding it very frustrating to cope up with my husband .
He is waiting that when I will be agreed for that . I dont know but after that abortion also I will never ever be able to forgive my husband for that.
even before that issue, i never realized these things as we never argued so much before that . but now daily new thngs are coming before me .
Mu husband was not so much against my pregnancy .in fact he told me at that time \";if there would be any other otion the definitely we will no do that but now as time is passing , he is becoming more and more aggressive in his approach .
very tough to overcome all such new and new things , revealing before me with time.

anyway Thanks everyone for helping me in such crucial time . I further most welcome your suggestions .

Alka

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2002-09-13
#2
Name: Annie
Subject:  Friend
Alka

I really, really feel for you - a professional person, in a strange new country, with a small baby and such a huge decision to make.

I think your husband is being very unfair. We have been trying for many years now to have a child and we have not been successful.

I wish you everything of the best - in whatever decision you make. Pray and ask God's guidance.

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2002-08-06
#3
Name: SM
Subject:  Agree with Dell
Hi everyone,

I too agree with what Dell had to say. Dell did not suggest about abortion but just supported Alka in her decision. Since we cannot tell her what to do but can only voice our opinions, the best thing we all can do is to support her in her decisions. Like Geetha said, we know nothing about their lifestyle, family and other situations. So we have no right to say that what she did is right or wrong.

Since there are so many disagreements going on regarding this subject, I would like to pen down a few things here. Sandra, Dell was right in saying whatever he/she said about the mother who killed her 5 children. Yes, it was depression and because she could not deal with herself and her kids simultaneously, she took such a step. Do u want the same thing to happen to Alka. Its better to take the decision she has taken rather than having the baby and then neglecting them. I know u have said that she can then give the baby for adoption but do u think its that easy. Her main concern is not about keeping the baby after delivery but its about those nine months. She has stated that during her first pregnancy, for 5 months she had a lot of nausea and after that too she had a lot of problems. So I think thats her main concern - how will she manage if she is not well and healthy during her pregnancy, and plus she has a small baby to look after too. And Sandra, do u think all couples who dont have babies adopt?? No. There are so many couples who are trying and trying for years for babies but they will never adopt one.

Let me ask you on thing. U must be using some kind of birth control right. Tell me one thing then. Dont u think using any kind of birth control is equal to killing a baby. By using condoms, we are throwing away the sperms, by using spermicide we are killing the sperms and by using birth control we are destroying the sperms. Do u know that the sperms actually is 'LIFE'. The sperms that we destroy by using protection actually has the life of a baby. U may have heard about 'NFP' i.e, Natural Family Planning. This is followed mostly by christians (I know this because i had a christian friend and she told me about all this). Christians believe that using any kind of contraceptive is a sin because it ultimately means u are killing a form of life. Thats why there's a natural family planning method where u have sex only on the safe days and abstain during fertile days. In this method u dont kill the sperms. So now tell me, dont u think we all are killing a form of life by using contraceptives. If u think yes, then we are also doing the same thing as Alka. So dont just say that one should not do abortion because its wrong, say that one should use the Natural Family Planning method. Then only u can say that u have not killed a baby.

U are saying that one should not do abortion (unless its medically needed) and should give up the baby for adoption. Do u think this goes for any rape case too?? If a girl gets raped and is pregnant, do u think she should go ahead with the pregnancy. Wont it be a child out of hatred rather than love. Lets take an eg. Suppose there's a happy couple having a kid and unfortunately one day the lady gets raped and is pregnant. What should she do??? Should she go ahead and have the baby? Will her husband not have hatred in his heart seeing her in that pregnant state and that too not being his child?? Will she be happy knowing that she's not carrying the child of her loving husband but someone whom she will hate all her life? What do you suggest in this situation?

U have said that instead of abortion, one should give it up for adoption. Once the baby comes to know that he/she is the adopted child, wont he question that why did my parents leave me? If they didnt want me they should not have brought me into this world? Why did they give birth to me if they didnt want me? Now what will u tell that child? Similarly goes the case for children of rape victims. If a girl has been gang raped by 10 men and she gets pregnant but she doesnt even know whose baby it is, should she go ahead, have the baby and give it up for adoption? Will u have the answer when one day the child will ask 'Why did my mother give birth to me if she didnt want me and I dont even know who my father is'. Now u tell me, is this fair to the child?

Ladies, please dont be angry with me. I too am a lady and very well understand what a baby means. But all those who said that we should never do abortion in any circumstances, only answer my one question - what should a rape victim do?
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2002-08-06
#4
Name: geetha
Subject:  what's going on?
Hey everybody
What is all this?
Come on gals .. relax .. Looks like we are going out of track here.

Just dont forget it is not dell who advised alka to go for abortion. She discussed it with her husband & decided to go for it as she thinks its the best thing she could do now.

Its very clear that none of us are happy with it but there is nothing we could do here as they are the better judges of their lives. We know nothing about their lifestyle. So why are we arguing among ourselves about their decision?

Sandra & Pooja.. Im really sorry to hear about your past tragedy but hey gals if you have anything to say from your personal experiences, you can suggest alka clearly. She obviously needs advices from people like you who went through such circumstances in the past. Be specific in whatever you suggest her & try to guide her what you think is the right path.

Ultimately, its alka & her husband who has to decide upon this babys fate. If they change their decision & keep the baby, let us all cheer up. But even after listening to what all you say, they prefer to go for an abortion.. they are doing what they think is correct in their hearts & minds. Of course, there is nothing we could do about it but we can stand by her side & console her in such difficult times.

Dear alka, I think right now you are really confused about what to do but dont worry, I think you came to the right place with your question. Talk to Sandra & others and consider their opinions & experiences also. Nobody knows whats best for you now than yourself. So discuss it with your husband & then decide. When you can come up with a conclusion without any doubts in your mind.. believe in your judgment & do it confidently. Leave the rest to the God. One more thing, always remember that all these are just suggestions as we know nothing about your family & financial situations etc etc. It's always your emotions that counts here than anything else.

Good luck & please let us know your final decision.

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2002-08-06
#5
Name: raghu
Subject:  yes mam
(pardon my intrusion ladies)

dear miss/mrs.geetha
your reply reminds me of a famous telugu poem noppinchaka thanoppaka if u are a telugu girl, I hope you understand. if not ask someone who can explain it to you

cheers

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2002-08-06
#6
Name: Chitra Muralidharan
Subject:  U r right geetha!!
Hello geetha,

I agree with what all u wrote.We dont know about the conditions that r driving alka to prefer abortion but if she feels she is doing it right, I'll surely support her even though I'm totally against the basic idea of it.

God bless u.



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2002-08-06
#7
Name: dell
Subject:  very well said, geetha !!
hi geetha,
i appreciate the way you have replied to everyone. i'm glad that you have understood what i meant.

like you said ,its entirely the decision of alka and her hubby. and we must support her.

in alka's last replt to all, she said she will abide her hubby's decision and said it was final. so its best for all of us to try console her rather than increase her pain and keep reminding her of her loss.

ALKA, consider everybodies' advise and do what you and your hubby feel best for you'll at this point of life.

bye
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2002-08-06
#8
Name: GOOD GUY
Subject:  GOOD SUGGESTION

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2002-08-06
#9
Name: dell
Subject:  to SANDRA ,POOJA, CHITRA
hi girls,
i don't get it...if you girls have gone through the same situation and also have taken the decision to abort why are you not supportive of alka. instead why are you making her feel more low. whatever were your circumstances....you all still took and did apply your decisions.

i think you people took my message wrongly. i didn't say go for an abortion. THAT WAS NOT MY MESSAGE. what i said is, once you have decided on it, THEN don't sulk. thats whats happening to sandra and pooja. why did you girls get an abortion. you shld have also kept your baby, whatever the situation. why the cowardness then ????

see, if alka has the means to keep her pregnancy, ISAY SHE MUST SURELY HAVE THE BABY. but if she has already decided after thinking it aloud with her hubby, why do you'll keep reminding her and give her pain.

more over SANDRA, you must try to learn to respect others views rather then impose and advise me to learn. you have your way, tho' i feel you sound hypocrate. if not, you would have kept your baby. whatever may be the situation. (except medical)

LEARN from how the others have replied. they are not imposing thier views but just EXPRESSING them.

AGAIN, I AM NOT FOR ABORTION AT ALL. BUT IF SOMEONE HAS DECIDED TO GO FOR, TRY HELP AND CONSOLE.

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2002-08-06
#10
Name: sandra
Subject:  to dell

good to see ur reply, i definitely have no hard feelings about it but at the same time, im very sorry to say i disagree with what all u said.

yeah i speak about foster care & adoption becoz its better to give up the child rather than KILLING it forever. how can a mother who is not even WILLING to give away the child for a couple of years could actually KILL the baby as a fetus??? the feeling that ur baby is somewhere alive is far better than that it no longer EXISTS and u DID it by urself.

u said u talked to ur friends who r taking care of two kids at a time & got frustrated.. did u ever DARE to ask them why didnt they prefer abortion at that time?? just ask them what would they be doing if they have gone for abortion back then & see their reaction. u can atleast then know that no frustration, bad temper, or any other worldly tensions for just a couple of years could worth the childs life. i too have so many friends who r now taking care of 2 or 3 babies at a time. i spoke to them too. so my dear dell, go home & ask ur good friends who r short tempered now taking care of their babies what will they prefer baby or abortion??? may be they will teach u in the way ull realize forever. by the way, did u ever get a chance to talk to mothers who preferred abortion dear??? joys of child birth r priceless. nothing could get ur baby back if u go for abortion once. u just cant kill the baby as u have the technology for it saying u r not ready for it now.

alka already said that her husband would listen to her if they find any other option. why dont u suggest some other option when there r many like she can go to her parents place & get help for a couple of months which would give her the precious gift of having both the babies. she doesnt have to fight with him to have her child. may be u dont know there is something else in this world called convincing & compromising. the baby is not just her child, its his too, moreover he is a father already & can understand her feelings. they r preferring abortion as they have nobody around to guide them into the right path.

u said u r sure next time she will be careful. how can u assure that when it has become so EASY for her to GET RID OF THE BABY. if anything goes wrong next time too, they would hit the same way as they did now. but the IMPACT, they will learn it later but by then it would be too late.

answering to ur question about my children, i do have 3 kids now, 2 of them were born after the abortion. but nothing could give me my baby which i lost a couple of years back. and now if u try to convince urself that u went for abortion for ur babys good, its nothing but FOOLING urself and i can assure u that u cant do it for the whole life. there is always a point of REALIZATION in this matter which would turn ur life into a living hell dear dell. may be the world is not so materialistic as u think it is. that is the reason why people r not prefering abortions even now no matter what their problem is in having that baby. so wake up atleast now for all times sake. all the best to u in ur future endeavors
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2002-08-05
#11
Name: Pooja Chaturvedi
Subject:  Im with u Sandra


I think Im in time before u do anything to the baby alka. I was in different kind of situation and forced to terminate the pregnancy during 4th month. Its been a while since this happened but even now that sin is haunting me down. One question I always have on mind is how could I be so cruel and kill an innocent life? I spoke to many mothers who has gone through this and Im sure u r going to be one of us in the next couple of years.

Please take this as a sisterly advice dear alka. I know its going to be really really hard for you to take care of two babies at a time but if u really ask me.. Go for it! Its worth my dear.. Ull forget the pain & strain u have gone through once ur babies r grown up. Its just a matter of couple of years. Scared to that, u dont deserve to put urself in a life-long haunt honey.. Just ask urself why should ur baby die now? There r many ways to overcome this dilemma alka.. U can just go to ur parents place & get the help u needed if u cant afford to hire a nannu here in US. If u sincerely need a suggestion, as someone who has gone through all this in the past, I advice to look for some other option rather that going for abortion. Best of Luck
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2002-08-05
#12
Name: dell
Subject:  take care
hi alka,
i read all the messages and your reply too. all i want to let you know is DON'T FEEL GUILTY at all , b'coz its better to give a better life to the coming baby (emotionally and finacially), rather than just compromising. don't ever look back and sulk b'coz that will affect you. so just go ahead with what you feel is right at this moment in your life .
next time PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND TAKE PRE-CAUTIONS.
all the best
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2002-08-06
#13
Name: Chitra Muralidharan
Subject:  U r wrong dell

Short temperament, financial problems, emotional problems blah, blah, blah.Nothing in heaven or earth could actually worth the babys life.
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2002-08-05
#14
Name: dell
Subject:  hi SANDRA
hi,
i completely sypathise with both of you'll and the situation.

my reason for saying "don't feel guilty" was to let her know that if she keeps sulking over it she will not be able to move on with life and her child. see, yuo are now facing a psychological problem b'coz you have a guilt in you. if you see the situation as, if alka did decide to have the child ,
1) will she be able to give equal attention to her 1st young baby and also the new born? isn't she going to unwantingly neglect eiyher one of the kids? if you both live with the guilt , then life will haunt you , girl. instead think that you did it for the good of the unborn child and also the living child.

i still say that if the mother is not prepared emotionally and financially for a child, she should not go for it. you talk about giving up the child to foster care and adoption.....do you think you as a mom will be able to part with your child? you will defintely make hard compromises to keep the child with you. giving up your child (living) is very difficult !! its esy to say foster and adoption , blah blah...

you say abortion will be 'taking a life'. i say its better to take this step when its a fetus rather then regret later. i have seen and also talked to mom's who have made the decision to bring to term unwanted pregnancy. whats happening now is that they get frustrated for the first 2 yrs of the 2 kids growing. the mother thens to get short tempered and doesn't give enough and quality attention. i agree that once the kids are older, life becomes easy.

you talk about the lady who took the lives of her 5 kids....do you know the reason? 'post-partum deppression' !! why did she have so many kids when she was unable to manage? THE STORY YOU QUOTED SHLD BE THE ANSWER TO YOUR REASONING. she is a live example of a mother who couldn't handle her kids. went into deppression had hellusination and .....

AS FOR ALKA, if ahe didn't agree with her hubby's decision, what do you expect? fight with him and have a baby which the father didn't want !! obviously , it will be in the interest of the family to agree and move on. rather then undergo the pain you are in now.

sandra, why are you in deppression? did you want another baby and didn't have one?

i know many couples crave for a baby for them but thier situation is different from a couple who doesn't feel the need for the preg. I AGREE THAT SHE DID MAKE A MISTAKE OF GETTING PREG. BUT THAT DOESN'T PUT HER TO A COMPLUSION !!

i'm sure she will be careful the next time.
NO HARD FEELINGS , OK !! V
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2002-08-05
#15
Name: sandra
Subject:  to dell

i just have one question for u dear mysterious dell: do u know that an abortion costs a life???

here alka is blindly following her husbands words. what if she realizes after a few months that she did a mistake? can she get her baby back?? financial & emotional problems come & go. but just think does they worth a childs life? she can put her child for foster home/adoption if she thinks raising 2 at a time is difficult (that is like a blessing to couples who dont have kids) or she can go to her parents place & get help for a couple of months.

all i want to let you know is DON'T FEEL GUILTY at all (how can u be so materialistic???) becoz its better to give a better life (where is the question of life when she is opting abortion??) to the coming baby emotionally and financially, rather than just compromising (so just kill the baby becoz u got screwed up????)

and the worst of all is:
just go ahead with what you feel is right at this moment in your life (like what?? like some mother killed her own 5 kids as she felt it that way at that moment?? dont u know human brains & thoughts r always wavering.. what if alka thinks the other way after abortion??? can she get her baby back??

its ok to go for abortion if some medical condition of mother insists her to terminate the pregnancy. her doctor will suggest her if she has any of that problems with having this child

there r millions of couples in this world who r ready to look after the baby & give him/her a good life once it comes into this world rather than putting an end to it pitilessly as u think u r not ready for it right now. plz try to guide people into the correct path when they ask u for an advice

i just want to tell u something now dell, i was in alkas situation couple of years ago and did with all my heart what she has decided to do now as i had no choice back then. i did what i felt is correct at that time, i know what it takes & now im really paying for it psychologically.. trust me.. it is the real hell.. now i always think my baby might have been 'atleast alive' in somebody's house if i've done it the other way :(

its nothing personal dell.. abortion is something u can't take back after u commit it

no wonder she got so many replies to think twice & wise before even thinking of abortion.


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2002-08-05
#16
Name: geetha
Subject:  Gosh.. you are doing it
Dear Alka
Honestly, I am really sad & upset to know your decision
Anyway its your life & hopefully you are happy with your judgment.
Take care of your health
Best wishes to you & love to your little one
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2002-08-01
#17
Name: steve
Subject:  ya right!

totally agree with ya geetha. ya r right! they should have taken precaution not to get into such a dilemma. but once something goes wrong, both wife & hubby should take the responsibility. itz not babys fault. m really impressed with ya suggestion & noticed that ya didnt even use the word abor. while suggesting the other way. could see the pain in ya words. even me, being a man, m totally against the other way. moreover know women r too emotional in such issues.ya r right only people who r in this kind of situation can understand the real depth of this problem.

hi alaka,
like somebody on this board (could be the same geetha) said:
ya r the better judge of ur life, so think twice & take a wise decision & keep us posted

good luck to u & may god guide ya into the right path

steve
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2002-08-01
#18
Name: friend
Subject:  sorry about this
Hi alka,
I'm really very sorry to read about your situation. Its really made me so sad. I am not at all experienced about this but still I thought of writing a few lines for you. Whether to do an abortion or not is entirely your decision but we can give you a few suggestions which you can consider while making your decision.

If you want to do the abortion just because of the fear that your second one might be a baby girl, then its wrong. Who knows even later on you might get a boy or no. That is all gods wish, isnt is. So DONT do an abortion just because it might be a baby girl again.

Regarding helping you during the birth and all, is it not possible for your mom or anyone from India to come here for a few months. I know it means spending a lot of amount (since you'll are also returning back to India you want to save as much as possible) but your baby is more important than money. Money can come anytime later in life but this wrong decision can never be made right again. So note down the expenses that might incur if you want to bring down your mom or sis and check if you can incur those expenses. If no one can come from India, then here in US there are helpers available. Can you keep one for few months. Anyway, you guys are returning to India in October (i,e after 7 months of delivery), so you will be needing a helper to help you for these 7 months after your delivery, so is that possible? If yes, then there is no need for abortion.

I know you must be very tired after your first delivery and not getting any rest and again the second one but you will have to bear everyting just for once in your life. Once your babies are old enough, then there wont be much problem for you, right. And after going to India, you will get so much of help.

So the issue is only how to handle the situation while you are here in US. And the best thing would be to get yourself a helper to help you at home. You have written your husband wants you to do an abortion, but pls. try to change him. After all it has happened because of you two, its not the baby's fault.

You can also take your doctors help. Ask her if having a second baby so soon will prove to be risky for you. Your health should not be affected by all this tension. You can also talk to her about your first baby and how you will manage the second one so soon, your gyn will also give you suggestions in this regard. Please take her into confidence.

Hope you will be able to make the right decision. Let us know what you decide. Keep posting. And all the best to you!
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2002-08-05
#19
Name: alka
Subject:  Thanks to all
My dear friends

Thanks for all your valuable suggestions .
My husband is in full favor of the termination . i also know that it will be difficult for us as my husband said that its a matter of almost 1 year. My firs pregnancy was very tough. I had to pass through nausea till 5 months after that diffeent kinds of other troubles so i can't assure my husbnd that this pregnancy will be smooth . who knows ?
Definitely now i don't care whether boy or girl baby . Both are same for me .
Mu husband ha staken the decision and most probably because of my married life , i have to follow his decision

anyway, thanks everyone
bye

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2002-08-01
#20
Name: geetha
Subject:  to alka
Dear Alka
I can understand your situation. It is very difficult for anybody even to suggest you what to do now. Only people who went through these circumstances in past can guide you properly.

If you think you can manage well with two babies for a couple of months, then go ahead with the pregnancy and welcome this new one into this world happily. I think it is only possible with your husbands co-operation. Both of you are responsible for the baby.

Talk to your husband first regarding what to do now and how to proceed, you both sit together and try to analyze everything -- his job position, family matters after the arrival of the first child, if he can help you in taking care of the babies after coming home etc-- and come to a conclusion if you can handle both the babies.

If you think it would be difficult for you to deal with two babies at a time, then take the other path.

And one more thing, TAKE NECESSARY CARE AND TRY NOT TO GET INTO SUCH A DILEMMA IN FUTURE!!!

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