Just wanted to share this with u all.Atlast yesterday for the first time i just picked up the phone and called my mom.Never said him i am going to call or never waited for his permission and never said him what i spoke he was sitting next to me. Just before that i called his sister and brother so he could not do anything.I just liked it.Will continue this until a day comes when i just pick up and call my mom my mom alone.Working on it.Could do it only because of u all.Felt very light headed and happy yesterday after a long time.Thanks to all of u.Please keep giving me advices.

cheers,

Teena

Hi,

Thanks for registering for this thread and replying back to me di bh.I really appreciate it.Its nice to know that there are so many good souls out there who just reached out to help me when i was in need.di bh i will follow ur advice.I have to start standing up for me.Most of the people in this board said the same thing.i am working on it.I am totally dependent on my husband for everything.At times when i think about it i hate it but so far i havent done anything to change it.But now i realise that is one of the worst reason why my husband is treating me like this.I am working on it.Slowly i have started working on many defects i have.Like u say i want to make my home a place where i enjoy living its nice to hear those words di bh.I too dont want to talk to my sil at all not possible dont mind a friendly chat but she is too curious its in her blood.When my mil was here i work so i am away from morning till evening she took so many of my things she never asked me (hello there is something called courtesy )when i told my husband he told me its her home she can do anything shut up else he is sending me back to india.So i kept quite.

Fine what to do there are so many things they did when they were here.Overhearing my husbands and my conversation when we were in our bedroom.Wondering how i knew it accidently one night i opened our bedroom room door and there was my fil standing right in front of the door i was embarassed my husband just told me he was praying(praying in front of our bedroom there are so many other rooms).My husband at times gives me stupid reasons just to cover up his parents i know he loves them but what i think is when someone does wrong be it ut parents or ur brother or siter or kid itself u must stand up and ask them that was how i used to be before marriage at my parents house but now i lost everything.Fine i want to forget it.I want to save my marriage.Like adviced i want to build a strong relationship with my husband am working on it.Have decided never to stand any harrasment and abuse shall call 911 (sorry to tell u this i know inside my heart i cant do this but i will threaten my husband or act, to keep him quite).

Thanks dibh for everything give me tips when ever u can i need all of ur help.

Thanks,

Teena

Hi Swati,

Thanks for the reply.I got many good advices from all of you and i have started following it. you are correct i absolutely lack confidence.How do i start working on it else i am never ever going to be respected by my husband.I get scared when he does something i am scared of him so much.But i love him so much also swati hope so he understands it sometime.

i was married in india so thats the problem.So i am just a maid in that house.My company doesnt cover me for therapy. Thats one of the reason i came to this board.But i am happy here.Please give me some advice about how to solve my problem.

Thanks,

Teena

Hi Tina,

1) About the bank account, I dont think you should have a problem with that...just ask one of your colleagues /friends to refer you to their bank...and since you already have a SSN#, it shouldnt be a problem. You've been in US for some time, so you must have developed some credit history (through credit cards etc). When I came here 6 yrs back, I just asked one of my friends here to come with me to their bank and then refer me. That's all it took to open an account.

2) When he next starts screaming and shouting after you talk to your parents, tell him in an even tone, that you never ever stop him from calling his parents, then why does he try to stop you from calling your parents. He wants you to call up and talk to his parents and sister...why can't he do the same for your parents and siblings? Can't he understand that the love he has for his parents is the same love that you have for your parents.

If he still keeps screaming, then just ignore him for a while..don't talk to him (at all)...if you can, go for a walk outside..physical exercise sometimes helps in relieving tension...

3) On the weekends, do stuff by yourself...in the beginning you might not want to (as you said in your mail)..but think of it this way..if your husband gets a feeling that he is no longer the center of your universe, then he will start thinking of you as a person, as an individual with likes and dislikes..right now he has become accustomed to your taking care of him, listening to him, taking his abuse, totally dependent on him etc.. it is a sad fact of life but the more you run after a man, the more he runs away from you...men like to do the running (in general)..

So join the library, go there on the weekends..go out for a movie with a friend..or if you can't find anybody, go for the movie by yourself...think about what you had liked doing before getting married..start doing those things again..learn a new hobby ( e.g. I learnt beading a few months back just like that..and I can spend hours by myself, making neclaces and bracelets for my friends and relatives...)

4) Spend some quality time with your husband..I agree with Jyoti below that to develop a relationship, some romance is important and you will get that only if you spend that kind of a time together...maybe have a candle light dinner at home on a saturday night...make some food (or order some)..put some candles, music (or a nice movie) and tell him that you just want to have a nice evening together with him..

After that evening, again, leave him alone (as in don't take too much care of him)...when he sees that you are no longer dependent on him for happiness, he will start seeing you in a different light..focus on your job and close friends and focus him and his family out of your mind for some time...

5) About your phone calls to SIL - try to limit yr conversation to only general stuff..like how did her day go..what did she have for lunch/dinner, what movies has she seen...ask so many questions of her, that she is kept busy answering those only..then say that you have to make dinner/ are feeling very tired etc and get off the phone or give the phone to your husband..if he wants to tell her anything, he can...but why should you...

And when you absolutely don't want to talk to your in-laws, make an excuse saying you are feeling tired and sleepy or have a headache..and will call them later...and suggest that this time he can call and talk to them..you'll do it the next time...

The key is to develop more confidence in yourself ( verbal/physical abuse knocks it down pretty badly for even the strongest person)...spend more time by yourself and with your other friends...
also spend selective quality time with yr husband...but don't pander to him too much...his ego is already quite inflated enough..

take care of yourself dear...I think you are very brave and courageous not telling any of this to yr parents...

All the best!!

Thanks Preeti for the reply. I will follow ur advice. The problem is he does not snatch the phone after i get of the line with my parents he starts screaming and shouting and it scares me like hell. He never talks to me he asks me why i did not call his parents. I call them every week regularly. Sometimes i dont have anything to talk to them or sometimes i dont feel like talking to them but i i still call them its my duty. I used to call my parents atleast 3 times a week long back but after my inlaws where here and left i have started calling only once even then i feel so uncomfortable calling my parents and at times i am so homesick i think i have to talk to my mom but i cant because my husband will get angry.I am tired of making my husband happy because atlast its only going to be complaints.I dont want to hurt my husband but i want to take a stand as a wife who he does not take for granted how should i go about.I want him to treat me with some respect and love.I am fed up with everything. I cant tell this to my parnets cause they think i am very very very happy with my marriage havent told them anything from the begining(my mom always used to say from the time i was a kid ur house matters should never cross ur door steps but now u all might be wondering what am i doing in this forum i need someone to talk to else my heart will burst) i cant help it i love them i dont want them to unnecessarily worry about me.My mom is a diabetic patient so i dont want to worry her unnecessarily. My family has done enough for me.

And regarding the bank account he created a joint bank account in our name(he is the primary holder and i am the secondary holder) he told me that it is the way it has to be done else the bank wont give me an account because i had no credit history. So i dont think i can do anything about it. Is there any other way.

Preeti i want to enjoy my life like everyone with my husband(I wont get all this back). I want him to love me like the way i love him .Why cant my husband understand that. Tell me how can i do that.He is home sick half the time.He keeps thinking about his parents. Its a month since they had gone they were here for 6months and he is in US for the last 10years.Attimes i dont feel like going home from work. He keeps looking at all the photos we had taken when his parents where here and keeps so quite. I understand he misses them but its life preeti i dont know how to tell him we have to go on with life i tired telling him once he told me i dont love his parents so i am saying all this so i kept quite.Its so annoying preeti i am getting irritated we dont have a life why cant he see his parents are having a life his sister is happy why am i so unluncky.

Fine preeti i dont want to bore you but please give me some ideas about how to solve this.

Thanks a lot preeti,

Cheers,

Teena

hi teena --

Don't worry about the house and property at the moment. you need to build a strong relationship first. since yours was an arranged marraige, that love, care and trust needs to be built first. once you have that the rest will follow.
the way he is treating you -- like a servant of the house -- it is a possiblity that he could just continue to treat you like dirt, but you need to change that. i don't think he'll leave you on the street, because where else is he going to get a servant who is going to earn him money and serve him.
First you need to make your position as a wife in the house, take control , slowly. but once you have a loving, caring relationship, you'll see there won't be many secrets and what is his will become yours and yours his..it will be ours.
again, make your way into his heart. And believe me the only way to do that is to respect & care for yourself the way you'd like him to treat you, yourself first. don't walk around him all the time, you walk in the lead. example, if you are in a mall, go to the store you want and ask him to come with you, instead of going where he wants you to go. you don't have to get anything there, it will be slowly giving him message that you have your own wants and thing that you want to do and have. he is your husband and needs to accompany you.
hang out with your friends and ask him to join. and be sure you enjoy yourself. if he is not having fun, don't let that bring you down. later, you can tell him, what was wrong. that was nice of them to do blah blah blah, why were you so negative.
the point is to get him to associate, fun, liveliness, love, care with YOU. so that he doesn't see you as someone who cooks and cleans his house and looks after his parents. everyone wants to enjoy life with someone and that is the SPOUSE, YOU and you need to show him that.
so don't worry you won't be on street. worse comes to worse, you have a job and you can take care of yourself. don't worry. just have to nurture your relationship and i'm sure it will blossom with the love and care you'll feed into it
again...best wishes...

Hi the problem is the house is in his name. I dont know why he never wants to add my name in the house papers. I keep on telling him he tells me he has no time he is busy. He saves my salary and puts it into this house to pay the mortgage. But he makes it very clear that this is his parents house. They have more right on this than me. I am here to take care of them. Is he going to leave me on the street i am scared dont know where all this is going.

if he is missing his parents and upset over it. just say a few words to make him feel better. like yeah it was nice to have them around. and then say stuff like instead of thinking about it, do you want to call them. it will make them feel good and you'll get to hear their voice. just to get him to stop dwelling over it. and slip in comments like, i miss OUR families in india, my parents are sick too,i hope they are okay, too. and then say something about his parents well being.
i know it drives you crazy but that's the little kid in him. so just help him deal with it. if you talk to him, his mind will get off it quickly then if he sits and looks at pictures himself. look at them with him and maybe even switch to pictures of trips just the two of you took.

good luck.

1. Husband wants to tell everything to sis -- there must be certain things he is not comfortable telling his sister. Start using those in a conversation to get him to think that he needs to draw the line somewhere. Or ask him private questions about your sil and see if he knows. If he doesn't then tell him, if they are not telling us, why should be tell them. Another point you can make is his sister is part of another family, and if we share too much, some embarassing things about our family may go outside, since his sister's family is different now. And bad rumors may start happening and bring shame on his family. That although she's blood related now she's tied to different family, just like you can't share everything about what goes in this family with yours. Pass him comments on small issues that come up, and whatever the response don't create a big scene out of it, otherwise he'll psychologically get defensive and just start fighting with you again, although you have no bad intentions. So if things get tense change the topic, move on to doing whatever it is that you were to do. don't cry or get weak it front of him. make a statement and show your confidence. bring up things he is sensitive about and will not want to share, that's the only way he'll get the point.
Also, if she is not telling you all the detail, pass a comment about that to your husband or to your sil in front of him, that will be the best way to bring that in light. Use every opportunity you get.
It's a very shallow thing to do, but if he doesn't get it, how else and who else is going to make him realize that, you just have to make him realize that he has his own family now.
Start drawing a line yourself, say I don't want to share that it is personal. simply put it that way boldly. Ignore them if they make you feel bad. Tell your husband, this is OUR private matter that you don't want to publish to the world. If you say it enough time "it's personal, don't want to publish it" after a point they'll leave you alone.

2. also with you money/account issue -- if he has been saying he doesn't have time -- on a weekend, get ready in time and tell him, "the banks are open now, let go now, that way it will be easier for direct deposit, etc." If you can find a reason that will help him, it would be ideal -- then you'll look like the good guy. Don't leave any room for him to make up an excuse. If you do it behind his back, he may start accusing you again of not trusting him. So to gain the trust you need to make sure he opens and account with you.
If that doesn't work, and you end up opening the account during lunch time or something, make sure you give him a call and tell him you are doing so before you do it. So that he/they cannot accuse you of doing thing behind their back. YOu don't want to leave any room for them to point fingers at you on anything.

3. his feelings for your parents will come later over time. first he needs to have feelings for you, he doesn't even have that yet. And once he starts respecting you, that will transfer to his parents.
if he brings your parents, just ignore it, don't respond. pretend you never heard it. when he is angry and you are angry, only thing that hurt eachother will come out so, for the sake of relationship, ignore it.
But make it known that you love and respect your parents just like he does his. Another key thing, show him that you don't say anything against his parents so he should do the same. leave it at that, don't argue about it. it's an argument you won't mean. he has to realize it on his own. which again will come only if he respects you. right now he doesn't.

4. i am with you on this one. it is tough, and had never done it in my life. but you have to adapt to the circumstances. think about it this way, you are not hurting anyone's feelings, everyone is happy. they didn't care about things you do from your heart. they see things you do for show. so be it that way. you know the difference. but if that is what makes them happy, what can you do, you can't change them.

5. that is just sad. but explains where your situation comes for. but you don't want to be your fil. in your family, you want to have open & respectful relationship with your husband. So don't bend for his every request.

6.be independent, confident, happy on your own. don't do dishes one day, watch a funny movie at home, if he doesn't want to, then too bad. Tell him you really are tired and you need to do that. if he wishes to join you and enjoy the movie with you great, otherwise watch it yourself and enjoy it. Don't lose your interest in the movie. The way to change your mind on this is -- think is it your fault that he doesn't want to watch. does he ask you every time he turns on tv.
-ask him to take you out, if he doesn't order.
-leave him little fun surprises that he'll enjoy
-don't kill yourself to satisfy his requests, do it at your convinience
-spend more time at work. discuss work with him
-spend more time with his/your friends.

7. do not let any negative thoughts come to you. you are the only one who will make this marriage work. so even if you aren't successful on every little thing you try, this is a long term goal, so keep at it. you'll be fine. you are the one you saw the problem and is doing something about it, so don't get bad. it's just that you have difficult time that you have a brainwashed, misdirected husband. but that's life and we just have to make the best of every day we live.

8.god is watching but it is us who have to carry out the actions. so keep your faith. stand up for yourself. keep your dignity. you are a smart, strong and loving person. just need to show him that. at present he sees you through his mother's eyes.

take care of yourself.

Jyoti thanks for the name nice to call you this way.

1)Jyoti my husband wants me to tell her everything. Each and everything thats happens and he has been doing the same before marriage thats fine but after marriage thats not possible because i need some privacy.I try to tell him he gets angry he thinks his sister tells me everyhing the problem here is i dont want to know whats happening in her family because i am in no way going to solve it and on the whole it is none of my business she has got a husband to take care of her.She asks me about my sex life(when i was newly married she used to ask me from then i used to tell her but then slowly started feeling why should i tell her i told her in the begining because i had so many doubts and she was behaving like a friend and a sister) even now it is very embarassing i try to tell her i am not telling her about it she never listens i feel really delicate.I try to divert her.She calls me everyday so i have to call her everyday.Very nosy and very curious to know whats happening between me and my husband, whats happening at my parents house each and everything.I tell my husband i am not comfortable he acts as if he understands and sometime in an argument he tells me she how my sister is she tells u everything but u dont call her nor tell her anything.To be frank i think i give her more info than she does.She chats with my mil and fil everyday so she is good in passing information and i am not at all comfortable.Feel like she is doing some kind of messenger work.I need some privacy. She is so used to getting info from my house that if i dont tell her something she calls up my husband and starts putting a big drama that we have started ignoring her and u know that anger turns on who ME i am the scapegoat. Jyoti another thing for my husband to scold me.Slowly my inlaws are have started sowing some evil seeds in his mind i know he is getting far away from me with or without his knowledge and i am watching it just not knowing what to do.But one thing i am very clear i wont let him go Jyoti I love him so much.Help me make my husband realise that what he is expecting is wrong.Help me get some privacy in my life.

2)I will start helping and supporting my husband slowly jyoti.I have never gone to the mail box till this day to get the mails i will start doing it here after.Nice idea i will start going through with him.

3)U know jyoti we never had a fight regarding anyother issue(we get along in everything) our fights and arguements start when it comes to his family.Never about my parents.Now he has started pulling my parents into this.I try to keep them away.I dont tell my parents anything not even to the level i tell my sil(i dont tell my sil about the fights and the way my husband is behaving scared she will make use of it) so they dont know what is going on jyoti.My parents stay away from my life jyoti.I dont have parents who want to make their son-in-law at home husband.They just want him to be loving to them thats it.

4)I do things that comes from my heart i cant do anything artificial u can see it in my face but that is not working out in my case like u said i will do it with a fake heart and fake happy smile i will call his parents and his sister and try to make my husband happy, jyoti i am really not happy about this but to save my marriage i will do anything.They are really good in acting and drama its time i join their group i think.It makes my husband happy i will do it.Jyoti give me more tips about how to find a ways to be able to do what i want without upsetting my husband i will keep u posted.

I want him to trust me thats it.

Note :My fil treats my mil well and he is totally under her control but my mil doesnt allow my fil to have any contact with his family.I have only seen mil family when i was in her place.Even my husband and his sister are more attached to my mil's family so i think she is scared i will pull my hisband away(What goes around comes around).My mil wears the pants here.This new year(2006) my fil wanted to call his sister his only sister to wish her for new year my mil was totally against it and he did not call her and one day she gave him permission and then he called i felt sorry for him i cant help it because i am in the same boat. But together they are spoiling my life.

Fine jyoti let me start with small things let me totally avoid talking about his house. Let me take it slowly.Let me start giving artifical complimets. Let me see at least i am good in this else i am totally useless.
Cant save my marriage,cant keep my husband under my control cant keep my inlaws away having others rule my house. Good 2 years in my life...fine let me not talk about it.I am just angry with myself jyoti.

Bye take care. And once again thanks for everything.U know something all these days i was waiting for a miracle to happen. I pray regularly and prayed that god please open my husbands eyes if i had not come to this board i would still have been fasting and praying and never have done anything.

Hi Teena,

Sorry about the name "a", you can call me Jyoti.

Your SIL - does your husband expect you to tell her everything? Does he go out and tell her every little thing that is happening in your house? If so, then you need to get him to stop that. But if it is just your SIL's expectation, then you can easily work around that. When you make your "SIL duty call", don't give her opportunity to get nosy in your life start drawing lines. Example, instead of telling her about lock out, chit-chat with her about stuff you don't care, like the new plant that are out in neighbor's yard or something. If she finds out about the lock-out incident and starts going off, then you can tell her "too many things happen in a day at home and at work. There aren't enough hours in a day for you to dwell on each. you have to move on. maybe if you had the luxury to say home like she does, you may do it. but what's the point. it's not going to solve the problem. SIL, you are in xx state, you can come over and help. my neighbor did. so there was no point in telling you." That way she'll get the point that you don't have time and it really none of her business. But say that nicely in a subtle way. And always talk about light, small issues that don't matter. it will be easier to talk to her about them and it will look like you two are having nice coversation. You can also turn around the table -- get nosy in her life. That way 1. to your husband it will look like you are concerned about her. 2. you won't have to come up with ways to avoid talking about your day. 3. she'll not want to share her personal life, so slowly she'll stop doing it to you and you may find neutral stuff to talk about.

About the way your husband is treating you -- he is coming from one place -- his parents. they raised him, they told him to marry you, he does what they tell him to do. maybe that's how your fil treated your mil, so he's doing it to you.
you are early in your marriage, the time that has passes is gone, so don't think about that. think about your future. you don't want to be slapped in front of your kids. so you want to stop that.
i completely understand that you want to spend time with your husband in evenings and weekends, but the love is one way. it needs to be both ways. he also needs to feel the same way about you. and since he's the way he is it is you that needs to make that happen.
instead of following him around, get him invovled in what you do.
1. if he doesnt want to go shoppoing, ask him what he'd like to do. do it together. GOAL - CREATE MORE QUALITY TIME FOR THE BOTH OF YOU. Even if it is taking care of stuff around the house.
2. if he is doing everything from bills to house payments -- when the mail comes, look through the mails with him, ask him questions. if he has to mail certain things -- tell him you can drop off the mail on your way to work or something. show him you want to help and support him. That way he won't think of you as an outsider, but a companion.
Teena, you are the one who know what makes your husband angry and how you can avoid getting him angry. so start with small things, where he will not feel threatened like you are trying to take control, but in a passive way, get involved. it will make you feel more empowered.
calling your parents -- you need to do that. if the way to do that is for you to make 3 calls to his parents and daily calls to yoru sil -- do it with a fake, happy smile -- find useless stuff to talk about. put your feelings towards them aside and act all happy with them. it will make your husband think you care about them, and slowly, he'll not interfer with you calling your parents. You live with him every day, you need to find ways to be able to do what you want to without upsetting him.
Key thing -- once he trusts you, and sees how much you help him day to day, he'll think of you as him familiy also.

Jyoti