Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi all,

Just like everyone i have mil and husband problem. We were married 2 years back(totally arranged marriage). Everything was fine in the begining. Mil always had problem about our marriage and dowry and everything and my parents did the best. Even then only complaints. Had a husband who never back answered his parents(no complaints i understand he loves them and doesnt want to hurt them) so had to deal with everything all by myself but thought one thing my husband loved me and will always be there for me. One year back we bought a house(just wish we hadnt done this) and mil and fil came to US to stay with us. Everything started then. Fil never liked me. Keeps scolding me for something or the other and unnecessarily kept talking something about my parents(I was sacred to back answer why the hell am i so scared). God i tired so hard to please him(so many sacrifices to make him happy but all in vain).Mil was so possessive about my husband. Cant see him talking happily to me. Slowly my husband stopped talking to me infront of them to make them happy and started getting angry at me infront of them. Mil and fil were very happy.They never wanted me to be a part of their family. We bought so many gifts for them i wanted them to be happy.My mil always used to talk to my husband something very secret i too did not know so i thought she was telling him something about their family and friends and i dont know anyone but the moment i go in she used to stop it silence. Now my inlaws have gone back to india (a month back) now the problem is my husband doesnt allow me to talk to my parents. He is just angry with them why is he angry they havent done anything. Even during our marriage he just spent one or 2 days with them thats it.
So whats wrong. We are planning to go back to India this december. I want to buy gifts for my parents and his family. I am going back for the first time after coming to US but my husband said he wont get me anything for my family why is he doing this. I am feeling really bad. I tried to talk to him he raises his hand on me. Have already been slapped and beaten by chappal by my husband when we had an argument about my inlaws. I am scared to talk to him.What should i do? I dont think he loves me he is his mama's boy. He has been totally brainwashed. What was i doing when all this happened i trusted my husband. Slowly i have stared loosing my trust in him.What should i do.At times i think i dont love him at all.I am a working woman. I give him all the money. I dont know what he does with it. if i try to ask him he gets angry thinks i dont trust him. What am i suppsoed to do. I am really worried and depressed. I dont have anyone to talk to. I dont want to discuss family problems with friends. Advice please.

Note: I have a sil just near me. So that even worsens the problems. Like it or not I have to call her and keep her updated of all our activities else my husband gets a picture i am bad. He thinks his sister only calls me i dont call her.I work. I come back at 6.45 in the evening. I have to cook and clean my dishes.my sil is a stay home mom.He keeps telling me his mother, father and sister are more important than me. What should i do.

Thanks,

Teena SG replied. Before reading posts from this forum i used to think that only bahus in india faces such probs but now i can see that even NRI sons donot behave rationally.Why cant they handle both parents and wife . Everyone expect us to be understading & caring from the very first day.

Divorce is not a solution but till when one can do one sided efforts.I hv also gone thru all this 5years back..Slowly changed many things in my life with the help of my parents and God.But today also if i want to discuss any of my prob related to IL, my husband will intitially negelects the issue & then gets very angry.
I also do not share any of my prob with my friends as it will put a bad image of our family and no solution will come out.After 5 yrs also when i hv md a small place for myself...i hv to call his mother
every week ...we hv nothing to talk abt but just to satisfy my hubby's ego or else he had a answer to
why none of my IL side takes care of me...jabki woh log kabhi ph nahin karte aur apne business development bhi nahin batate...It took me appx 3-4 yrs to bring those little changes..still sometime i feel tht all efforts r waste. They provide us food and shelter and think they r doing a gr8 job as we were homelss before.But today i hv made place from whr i can atleast ans him bck if he's wrong.Aur bahut kuch apni marzi se bhi karti hoon...but yes his root thots r still the same(tht a perfect HW shld tk care of husband and IL listens to whatever they,never ans bck,perform her daily duties,)...i try not to provoke them.I dont understand why they marry an educated girl ..to mk her dumb women.

Teena i feel u should try whatever is possible for u to make the marriage work but u cant just dump urself into this marriage becos u love ur hubby.Love is worthless without respect so if he doesnt change and keeps hitting u ...just leave him ....I m telling u with my own exp. Go bck to india ...if he realizes later tht u r imp to him in any way..he will try to sortout the situation.Jab tak use tumhari imp ka ahsaas nahin hoga...he'll not change.Beating is totally illegal..dont let him do...His startegy is to cut ur feather before they grow.

U may find me negetive but i m not trying to demotivate u....u can definately bring sm changes in ur life ...wht i m trying to say dont expect too much from such a clever husband. He might change a bit but still will remain the same whn his parents r concerned.
If u want to bring changes as everyone said Start from small things....
brings something for urself ,him or for ur house....
Dress urself whatever u want.
As u told, call ur mother...its very imp....may be someday just make a call behind him.
No need to be afraid of anyone...wht worst they can do.
Save sm (maybe very small) amt for urself.

Anyway i'll keep reading abt ur progress...All The Very Best.Hope u get success in saving ur marriage.... swati replied. Teena,
Good to hear u called your mom...that's a big step. Just do everything slowly and watch your husband's reactions. Never ever be scared of him - u should not live in fear. I am glad u posted at this site. Dont worry if u r not covered for therapy. Your posting on this board is a form of therapy especially from those who have been in similar situations. U've made so many freinds and so many care for u- ther is nothing to worry. Keep posting and let us know how u r doing and we can all advice u along the way. di bh replied. teena glad i was of some help. You know when i first called 911 to complain against my hubby i didnt know driving nor i had any money.But i had to teach him a lesson.So i called the cops anyway. and trusted in myself. i asked in court that my husband shud pay for my expenses he did and from then on for the first time i cud go buy grocery and come home. i dont even have anyfriends here as my hubby works on projects. Once i gave the complaint it gave me some strength and trusted myself i can do something by myself.Dont worry once u do a small thing for urself rest u will get confidence to do and nobody can stop u . one thing is dont let anybody undermine u u are a good and educated woman who thinks about family. its time u made your husband realize your value.
You know after my husband;s arrest and 21/2 months later when i called him home his sister tried to bring fight b/n us on telephone imagine. that was the last straw she was screaming on telephone with my hubby . i snatched the phone and told her to stop it and i dont care for her opinion.and gave a sound trashing to her and my husband too. in b/n he also was swept by her talk and told her oh becoz of her i was laid off from my job .That was the last time he spoke against me thats it i told her dont come in b/n me and my husband.
start by doing small things .pick up the phone and talk to your family.they will always be there for u . my family helped me deal with this a lot.and imagine my husband;s friends all offered to help me.Of course i am good friends with their wives.they never told me u shudnt have got him arrested.imagine they are all his friends from school.
you need to make your home your home - a place where u forget all your worries and dont feel like its a burden to come home.tell your sil that weekdays i need to do cooking or cleaning or laundry so i will be busy and i can talk to u while i am doing those things.
One thing from my experience my sil asked me husband how was being intimate with me.imagine how wicked she is.i havent spoken about this to my mom and my sisters and my sister is my best friend.Dont tell her anything about that.she doesnt need to know that.let your husband tell whatever he wants. slowly he will get bored of telling too.
as far as your IL'sMIL and FIL when they visit u u need to take a stand and tell them that u are their son;s wife and u have rights and u earn too.when my fil told me its your mistake my son got arrested i told him its not my mistake your son got arrested its my mistake i let him do it for 4 years.what if ur daughter went thru the same wud u tell her the same thing. so he said yes i said ok so be it i wish your daughter and her daughter go thru the same joy i went thru for 4 years then i will see what u will tell.imagine he convinced my hubby not to pay rent for the apartment i was staying in so i called my husband up and told him to pay rent or else they will put it in court so he paid. such are IL's .people who have one rules for daughter and daughter in law.his daughter's husband is a puppy he goes around behind her asking her for suggestion to sit eat and drink. but if i do same i am separating him from family.dont be threatened by them u stay far from them u can follow what u want and leave the rest.
teena if u start doing one small thing then u can make your life a lot easy and happier.one thing is my husband will not oppose if i give his parents or sister nicely on the phone but he wont support me in front of me. so i stand up for myself. you do the same. di bh replied. I couldn't help but registering myself just to answer this question. As i was also in same state 6 months before.
The only difference in your case and my case is i am not working and my SIL tries to control from India..
Stand up for yourself.Thats the only thing i can suggest. I am also married from 4 years and in US.my husband has 1 elder brother and sister who is eldest.He is here from 10 years. as a student and then working.from the time i married him my in laws are pressuring him and me to come back to india. although when he came to see me they told we are looking for a girl who wants to settle in US as my son wants to.
after marriage all the problems started nagging to come back, fight with me,telling me to study but telling son not to give me money to study .I am an engineer. my FIL is a cunning fellow who expects everybody to treat him royally and keep spending money for his needs.so ultimately i cudnt study and cudnt work becoz of visa.in b/n they tried al tricks on my husband and he started physically abusing me and emotionally too.i thought he will come to senses some day and kept bearing it . but i had my last straw 6 months back. i called 911 when i was really heartbroken he will never change. and then stayed apart for 6 months 2 months he cudnt visit me he sent feelers thru friends when it had slowly set in his mind i wont take it then he realised and now everything is ok.
if not for me he wudnt be here. i helped him find a job by helping him write his resume update his skills and searching jobs applying and answering mails. he himself admitted to everybody after he got arrested. the only thing i did is my cheap fil tried to convince me to come back to india so that his son can save money on rent . i didnt go back but stayed here alone for 2 months and then when he came to his senses i called him back.
so my advice for u is i feel for u as i have been in your state. u need to take charge and take control of the situation.u are a smart woman u are working why dont u start with small things opening a separate a/c to put your pay in .
also my cunning sil tried to control me from india. when he got arrested she tried to put difference of opinion in his mind about me .so i told her to back off. the worst part is my fil after he got arrested called me and said are u going to divorce him . i was all up for that then but didnt want to give him that joy so i said i havent thot about it. after talking to my husband and all his friends i decided to stay back.My sil is a filthy cunning female just like her dad who likes to control everybody in her house but i dont give her a chance i specifically told my husband i hate her i dont want her here in my house here.
but i didnt realize this in the beginning i used to tell her everything atlast i had to draw a line when she asked my husband about something very personal.so slowly i stopped talking to her and eventually now i dont talk to her at all.but she wont leave it at that. i got a missed call i thot it was urs and tries to call and talk . but i dont talk and my husband wont talk too as its only to call us back and badmouth me.he is bored of it too..
why dont u try one thing at a time slowly u will be able to make your home a place where u enjoy living.
swati replied. i have been reading the posts here and yes i do agree with the fact that u need 2 build confidence in yourself- slowly. don't shock him. if u start by opening an account that is good. Most men think they can control u thru money. remember u do have a SSN since u are currently working and call up different banks from work to check where u could open an account and what documents u'd need. u might need to prove that u live here and they might ask u for bills with your name on it. credit history is for credit cards and maybe u should get one in your name or ask your husband to add u on to his credit card. this way u start building your credit history. I am glad that u work and can be financially independent. One more thing, if u r legally married in the US, your name does not have to be on the house or bank accounts or cars - it's both of yours. So don't be under the impression that the house isn't yours- no matter who pays the mortgage -even if u don't earn - once u r married the house equally belongs to both whether your name is on it or not. His parents don't have right over it unless he has their name on it. Moreover, even if u have a seperate account from your husband it doesn't matter cos u r married and both have equal rights. Yes, he may not be able to access it but incase of a divorce(i am not advising u on that) all that he has is yours as well whether your name is on it or not.
does your company cover u for therapy? maybe go for some sort of therapy during lunch hrs - i hope u drive.this can b done without your husband's knowledge. maybe talk to your Dr. abt it - hopefully he doesnt goto the Dr. with u and doesn't work in the same place as u. Evrything u tell a DR. is confidential.
Good luck!! Preeti replied. Hi Teena,

The very first thing I can think of is that you need to open your separate bank account. Do it asap. Then start putting your pay in it through direct deposit.

If your husband objects, tell him its easier and your office prefers it that way...if he insists that you don't do it, ask him the same thing he tells you - \";Don't you trust me?\";.

Don't bring up your in-laws in whatever conversation you have with him...at least try not to do that...stop talking about them...start talking to your parents...I don't understand how he can stop you..if you call them on the phone, does he physically snatch the phone from you or something? whatever it is, you need to take a stand dear...crying and sobbing in front of him is not going to help...the more control you give him, the more control he will take of your life...

And the next time he slaps you, slap him back! Enough is enough. He beats you with chappals and you are still listening to his diktat!! stop doing that!! Join a physical defense class in the evening - if you are scared of dealing with his physical abuse.

About not contacting your parents - tell him you will no longer listen to his double standards. His family is important to him and yours should not be to you? When you talk about his parents, he beats you..should you also beat him when he talks bad about your parents? If he talks on the line of you ar ea girl etc..and its different..then tell him that his sister is keeping in touch with her family..what if her husband stops her from doing it..would he like it?

Start standing up for yourself and defending yourself, because you are the only one to do it! If you behave like a victim, your husband will treat you like one...

All the best and I hope you manage to stop this abuse of yourself.

Remember that there is a Durga in all of us...find your strength and keep it alive..don't buckle down in front of bullies like yr husband and in-laws.

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There is nothing wrong with asking for help from the spitirual world as long as we are causing no harm to anyone. replied. You know what? They are in your house and if they can not accept & respect you in you OWN home than they should get out. It is really that simple. a replied. It is difficult to feel so isolated. Your husband has clearly shown you that he doesn't care about you. Yes, parents are important, but hat doesn't mean he can disrespect you by slapping and beating.
For him to take care of you, you need to take care of yourself. Example, in the evening after you come back from home, he wants you to call sil, fine do that (make sure you do it in front of him). Secondly, after you cook dinner, don't do dishes for a night and watch tv. tell him you are tired. If he wants to help he can do that. you have worked just as long as he has, if he wants to he can go right ahead.
When you go buy gifts for his parents, tell him, why not yours. you also earn money, so if your money gets used for his family's gifts, why can't you get something for yours. Also, tell him if you don't get them anything \";people\"; will think there are problems in the marriage, why on family is getting a lot and the other nothing. Maybe the social humiliation will change his mind. Before you get then anything, just make sure you get him to say okay, somehow. Since he isn't open with you, i don't care what you tell him, just emotionally blackmail him just to say yes.
when he talks badly about your parents, tell him -- i don't say anything about your family, don't pick on my family. just as you can't hear anything bad about your parents, i cant hear anything bad about mine.
if he hits you, tell him you'll hit him back. if it gets worse call 911, but that will only make things worse. so try to resolve it your way. it's better if home problmes stay at home.
spend more time doing things for yourself. like stay late at work if nothing else. the less you are around to serve him like a servant, the more he'll realize you have life of your own and will respect you more. the more he'll see that you take time out of your schedule to cook and clean for him, maybe he'll appreciate you more.
Good think is yoru in-laws don't live with you. So try to have some fun time together. Like do something you both would enjoy and make sure he has a good time. Talk about things you like, etc. that way when he's around his parents, he'll miss those things and think about you. Example, you can cook something nice on a weekend and it'll be yoru thing you do togehter. Then, when he's eating tradional food around his parents, he'll miss it.
Ask him for money for yourself -- like go shopping and say I want to get so and so and spend money on yourself. get him something nice too. if he says no, ask him why not. what happend with the money from last paycheck. from small things like that you can start getting yourself invovled in your family's finances. Maybe if you ask him more he'd be more open.
Good luck. Any time you need to talk, just write here. Don't feel lonely, people here will help you. I'll hope everything works out from you.