Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I recently got married , and my Ils came to live with us about a month after we married. I wanted that time to enjoy being married and having anew husband, but the focus of our marriage for those months were my husband's parents.

Now that they have left, I thought things would be more focused on our marriage, but now they are facing problems at home..
I am not quite sure what to do.I did not get along that well with my MIL..she felt as though I was not indian enough..and basically we were not catering t her needs..she went so far as to complain to my husband about my hours while i was in the next room..
but now they have left..and I still have not gotten over the fact that they were here at a time i though would be for and my husband..and the i can' get over all of things my MIl said about me..I take it out on my husband,and won't allow us to move past it because i am still hurt..
does anybody have any suggestions as to how i can move past this? vs replied. I suggest you try to forget your mil's words like that of a stranger's.Ofcourse the fact that your husband didn't speak in your defense hurts more but believe me it happens to most of us.My mil has over the years said things to me which I wouldn't say to my enemy.Sometimes I have shouted back,sometimes just swallowed them but yet we continue to meet each other every Diwali with a smile on our faces and gifts in hand.Some relations are only a curse meant to endure. zz replied. Hi NewBride,
First of all let me congratulate on ur marriage.

I know it can be really annoying to have ur in-laws at ur place just a month after getting married. Thank God that did not happen to me. If it makes u feel any better think about all those girls who have to go to their in-laws house the day they get married and try to consider that as their own house.. Atleast ur condition was better than theirs. Still I think in-laws should understand that newly weds need their own private time, so should leave them alone atleast for a year.

I did not quite understand what u meant - ur MIL did not think u were quite Indian enough. Were u born/brought up outside India. If thats the case then she obviously knew this before u guys got married. So whats her problem now? If she thinks that u are not Indian enough cos u do not follow the old customs and traditions or wear western clothes etc then again its her problem. My MIL also keeps on taunting me about me not following some customs and traditions etc. I initially used to feel bad but now i try to ignore that nonsense as much as I can. I think u r a true Indian, if u love India dearly, no matter what u wear and what customs u follow. I live in the US, so dress like Amereicans, but that does not mean that my love for India is any less than the person who wears a salwar kameez every day. Ignore what ur mil feels abt u in this case.

Again, I am not really sure what u meant by she complained abt ur hours.

I know many wives (including me) tend to take out all the anger on their hubbys. But try not to do so atleast in the first year of ur marriage or till u guys get to know each other better (I am assuming u had an arranged marriage) Ur husband must have lived with his parents most of his life whereas he does not know u that well. So if you take out the anger on him when its not his fault, he will think that u fight with him or with other people unnecessarliy and this might create a rift b/w the two of you for many more years to come.

I would suggest that if possible you two should go on a vacation somewhere for about 1-2 weeks where there cannot be any phone calls from anyone including ur in-laws. During this period do not think or talk about ur in-laws or any problems that happened before. (I know its easier said than done, but try) Think of it as if u r starting a new chapter in ur life.

I know it is difficult to forget about what ur mil has said to u. But try to forget it cos if u don't, ur mil will be living happily, whereas u r the one who will be spending the first year of ur marriage in unhappiness. That means u lose, she wins.

I am telling this to u cos i did the same thing. I wasted 5 yrs of my marriage thinking of all the things that my in-laws said to me(my in-laws came to visit us a year after we got married and thats when all the problems started)
Even today I waste a lot of time in my life thinking about my mil. But don't do what I did. You can never get those years back.

Its much difficult to change ur mil's nature cos thats not in ur hands. Instead try to change yourself - not by being the person that ur mil wants u to be but by being the person who is not affected by all the in-laws nonsense (that will never stop). I am trying to change myself. I hope u do too. I wish u all the best ..

Good luck