Letting your child know that she is adopted seems to be a daunting task. Here's how Purnima Mirchandani handled this situation. Read on to find out how the family coped.
When Malavika was little, we brought her up on stories of Krishna and how Yashodha loved him very much. Krishna too loved her, though she had not given birth to him. The word "adoption" was not used at that stage, but the concept was introduced. Gradually, whenever there was occasion to talk about it, we did, and the word "adoption" was also introduced.
When she was 6 yrs old, we decided that she was mature enough to understand the fact of her adoption. We were also advised by the social workers at the adoption agency to tell her the truth as early as possible. We decided to take her for a holiday - just the three of us - so that when we told her about it she could ask us all the questions that were in her mind, instead of getting stressed at school. We spent a lovely week in Goa. On the second day, when we were sitting on the beach at sunset, we told her about it. I told her that there are some people who cannot have babies, as there is some medical problem. I had such a problem, and God told us that there was a baby whose mother could not take care of the baby, and so the baby needed parents who would love her, and that she was meant for us and we should go and take her as our own.
Her only verbal reaction that day was that it was not true, God could not talk! When I said that God came to me in my dream, she accepted that. That evening, she did not ask any questions, though through the evening she kept "blowing hot and cold" with me. She either kept hugging me very tightly or hitting me playfully but hard. Obviously, she did not know how to voice what she was feeling. My husband thought that she had not understood it, but obviously she had - otherwise she would not be reacting the way she was.
The next day, the questions started. Her first comment was that I was fooling - she still could not fully grasp it. When I assured her that I was not, she accused me of lying to her about the fact that she was born in my stomach. Well, over the years, when her friends had discussed where they were born etc., I had neatly evaded direct questions. When she had (as all children do) asked questions about how children are born, I had shown her pictures from an encyclopedia showing the stages of prenatal development. When she asked me if she was born in my stomach, I had said that she was born in "Mama's" stomach (not my stomach!). I reminded her of this, and told her that the lady who had her in her stomach could not take care of her, and we were her parents.
She had millions of questions, and asked how we had got her and why she was not born in my stomach. She did ask about her "real mother" (a friend put that idea into her head), and when I told her that I was her "real mother" and that God had put her in another lady's stomach, as I could not have babies, she accepted that. She did question why that was so, but when I told her that God told me that my baby was born in some other lady's stomach and was waiting for me to go get her, she was thrilled to be special. She even told her best friend about it, who took it matter-of-factly, and it did not change their relationship.
Name:
Wellwisher,
Country: U.S.A.
congratulations on motherhood and a well-written article. hope to get many more such articles from you
with your experiences. by the way, i also adopted a baby girl and i went through all the emotions you had..from infertility treatments to holding our daughter in our arms...i understood every word that you had wriiten from my heart!!! we also had a huge celebration and it was overwhelming to get a lot of goodwill. now, everyone from my parents' street in india wants to know about the baby's progress and everything. take care, enjoy motherhood and keep writing....all the best to you...
Name:
purnima.divvela,
Country: India
hi,
congratulations and god bless yoy!!!
yes,these words truely come from the depth of my heart as a woman and as a mother.i really wish you good luck and a happy parenthood.i can undersatand the torture you people have undergone in the society.well,all i can say is raise the child well,both as a good daughter and as a good humanbeing.let the people who poked you praise you for such a wonderful child.may god give her long life with all good things life needs.
bythe way,welcome to the troubles and confusions like all of us(just kidding).
purnima. divvela.
Name:
Feli,
Country: India
hi, congratulations. god bless you and your family. indeed you are very lucky to have a caring, loving and understanding mother. all the best... take care and enjoy every step of motherhood.
Name:
malini,
Country: India
hi friend, congratulations for a new life in yr life, i felt so good after reading yr article, actually i m at the midle stage of poking, and now kind of getting irritated by all that, lets hope i get a baby soon or else will surely go for an adoption.
Name:
Purnima,
Country: India
yes - she knows about it and has been wondeful about it - and it does make for another article. will do so!
Name:
anonymous,
Country: India
part 2 was equally interesting..my question is does the girl know that she's adopted and how did she handle it? that would have been an useful experience for the readers. i ask this as an adoptive mother myself. i hear some have taken it very well and there
are few that seem to get upset. your experience in this would be very helpful. very positive and upbeat article otherwise..
Name:
Radhika,
Country: India
purnima,
gr8 to read thru the three parts...really appreciate your decision to adopt a baby . the third part wherein u tried to explain to ur daughter that she was adopted child, is rlaly mind blowing...i mean, u wud have undergone so much mental homework to answer her questions and to deal with her .well hats off to u ma'm.
Name:
swati,
Country: India
one of my cousin's has adopted a child after haing two of her own - one boy and one girl! she really wanted to do good to the society. hats off to her becasue she is a working mother.
Name:
Asha Bhoumick,
Country: India
it is heartening to read this article. she is lucky that she managed to fulfil her dream of adoption. my dream of adopting a girl child (i have a bilogical son who is six and a half years old) reamins a dream. i have tried getting in touch with many agencies but to no avail.
Name:
adoptve mother,
Country: Singapore
we 've an 18 year old son whom we actually adopted as a premature born baby. we were at a loss at the 'right' age of how to let him know 'the truth' . i wish this article eas available then to help us. anyways hats off to this lady whose done a great job of a mother . really i enjoyed reading this article and have been waiting for the bits to develop and share my experiences . every parent goes thorugh this .
Name:
wellwisher,
Country: India
could not finish reading the article
without tears in my eyes...look forward
to the remaining story...we haven't told our daughter yet and i have heard that it is in schools the kids start talking and some of them are mean without realizing it...yours is a delicate narration...all the best
Name:
Mahisha,
Country: India
hi,
i felt very good reading ur experience. gods way of healing people is very tremendous. and tremendous are those who realize that. i salute to the great mother and the motherhood who could bring this truth to her daughter.
love u and be happy.
wish u all very happy holi
Name:
sandhya,
Country: U.S.A.
hey poornima,
loved your article and the honesty in it came right through. i am so fortunate to have friends like you who have been able to deal with life in such a positive vein.
lots of love to malavika.
Name:
NILIMA MEHTA,
Country: India
straight from the heart...a beautiful journey..and shared with so much sensitivity!!! and also a perfect combination of head and heart...
Name:
sree,
Country: Canada
hi
i was really touched by ur article u r really lucky in having ur whole family support on that issue and u have done a great job heres wishing u both a wonderful future ahead
Name:
prachi,
Country: India
ur article was very touching.i m also looking for adopting a girl between 3-5yr old.please help, v r in hyderabad.hw old was she when u adopted her?
Name:
Binu Advani,
Country: India
beautifully written and at the same time so informative.good luck - enjoy
life's long journey together !
Name:
Kamlu Gulrajani,
Country: U.S.A.
excellent article. thanks for sharing.looking forward to updates on malvika's progress and your family life.good luck!
Name:
Purnima,
Country: India
this is for prachi and anyone else who wants to know more. click on my name under the title and the email address is there where you can write to me.
Name:
Nandita,
Country: India
hi,it was wonderful reading about your journey;i've started a similar journey two and half years ago and often wonder in nights like tonight 'how would she take it'; she is a bubbly 3 year old now and we are about to bring home a baby brother for her. though i am confident i'd be able to deal with the task, sometimes it terrifies me. i just hope my babies would grow up to be happy and content individuals; i must thank my wonderful family evryone of which has boosted my confidence.
Name:
Karishma,
Country: India
o mi god!!! this true life incident is really amazing and i am also thinking going in for adoption after reading u dear purnima. i am also longing to have a child but i guess fate has something else in store for me. i am tired of all the doctors that i am seeing. i am just hoping that i form enuf courage to go in for adopting a baby girl!!!!
all the best to u and lots of love to malavika.
Name:
life is good,
Country: U.S.A.
congratulations and bless you and your family.
we've adopted 2 girls from india (my husband and his family is from india). our oldest is now 4.5 and we recently brought home our second daughter who is 1.5. parenting, adopted or not, and family is a lifelong journey (or rollercoaster ride). i experience motherhood as a science project....enjoying it everyday.
thanks for sharing, providing perspective, and good luck
Name:
Honey,
Country: India
i have adopted a babygirl, she was 6mnths when she came home,now she is 15mnths.she is chirpy and full of life and loves me unconditional. but i am very anxios as to how she will react when she knows,i hope she doesnot doubt my love,i hope my daughter reacts like yours.
Name:
adoptve mother,
Country: Singapore
purnima, i could never finish these articles witout a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. i have gone through the very same experiences as you and then decided adoption. sometimes i feel that the attachment that i have with my 18 yr old son is so fierce-would i have it if i has given birth. my siblings and cousins as well as inlaws tell me not to be overprotective and let ho , but i jsut can't do it. i have sacrificed so much for him that i can't loose my son now ! if i send him overseas to study i sometimes feel i will just go along as the bond is so fierce that i cannot break it !. the strength of love that adoption brings , probablly no other form of love will bring !
Name:
adoptve mother,
Country: Singapore
we 've an 18 year old son whom we actually adopted as a premature born baby. we were at a loss at the 'right' age of how to let him know 'the truth' . i wish this article eas available then to help us. anyways hats off to this lady whose done a great job of a mother . really i enjoyed reading this article and have been waiting for the bits to develop and share my experiences . every parent goes thorugh this .
purnima, i could never finish these articles witout a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. i have gone through the very same experiences as you and then decided adoption. sometimes i feel that the attachment that i have with my 18 yr old son is so fierce-would i have it if i has given birth. my siblings and cousins as well as inlaws tell me not to be overprotective and let ho , but i jsut can't do it. i have sacrificed so much for him that i can't loose my son now ! if i send him overseas to study i sometimes feel i will just go along as the bond is so fierce that i cannot break it !. the strength of love that adoption brings , probablly no other form of love will bring !
