Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi,
i am a 25 yr old married woman in a depressed condition. we got married 2 yrs ago. we are residing u.s for one yr. but now it is end of period and we are going to india. when we came to u.s our inlaws bought a new flat with my husband's money and also with his house loan. now they are living in that flat. my husband's two brothers are also living with their families in that house. there is no place for us to live in our own house. but my husband want them to live there and also want to with them. i don't want to live with them. i want a seperate family. i don't know to tell my desire to my husband. he is not understanding me.
my inlaws and his two brothers are using him for their needs. he is thinking that they are loving him and asking him. they are not wealthy people. his two brothers are doing very cheap jobs. only my husband is in a good position in their family. his parents are cheating him in the name of love and his two brothers are cashing that. now i do not have guts to question my husband as he is totally bound to them and if any word i speaks he tells me to get out of his life. i wnat to prove everything to him. but i do not have any evidence. he gives everything to them and don't save any money. i am even afraid to plan for kids. because they would not have anything of their own in their future. if i try to ask anything related to savings he says that i am money minded. even regarding our own flat my husband is not allowing me to say that it is mine as his wife. i know that it is his hard earned money. and i want to save it. he want it to spend for them and they are taking chance of it everytime and seeing me like a waste bin and unwanted person. so please advice me what should i do with my husband and inlaws. i am in a kind of depression that even suicide would be a great help for me. please help me. rashi replied. here r some suggestion:
1st of you need to realise that u'r husband has love for his parents and must not be liking it when u critize them (how would u feel if he said anything about u'r famil) One tends to get defensive. It is natural. I'm not saying wht he is doing is right.
why don't u move back in your flat and take control of the house. Or maybe u can get a job, that way u will be out of the house and don't have to deal with u'r in laws.
Explain to u'r husband that u want to start a family in the future and that WE need to same money togther for their education! Also try to pursude u'r husband to make his brothers get better jobs. Once they r better establised..trust me they will want thier own freedom.
all the best S replied. Please understand that things cannot be solved in a jiffy especially when relations are involved. Don't panic, don't press too hard since your husband is not receptive. Better to lose the flat than your marriage. Don't get your parents involved since this could spoil their relation with your husband. I know what is happening to you is really,really wrong but unless your husband realises this you would only hurt yourself and your marriage. Don't fight, if you think you have talked over this a lot over the past few days stop this topic for a few days and when things are normal maybe tell him that since you guys are not getting younger you should start planning your own savings and if the mood is right talk about the flat without getting emotional. You will get an other oppurtunity to buy a flat but don't let your marriage suffer a blow. suma replied. i understand how u feel. it's very difficult to live with other people, since u already got used to live here alone.why can't u take your parents help & talk to him?.same time i am concerned about your husbands family too..since they are not wealthy.they can live in a rented apartment, &your husband can help financily part of thier needs.you guys need to sit with your parents, & find an solution, without fighting. Archie replied. Dear Rama Rajeshwari,

It seems to me that you do have serious problem and I am not sure how much I can be of help in this matter. I can however put some thoughts although not an expert of relationship.

I believe living in US and watching closely at work western culture your husband by now should be aware of how important it is to have your own savings. It's however difficult to explain problems associated withjoint family if one is brought up in joint family and relatives around, always.

I do see that you are almost giving up convincing your husband. However have you ever thought of taking help of marriage counseller, not that your marriage is in jeopardy situation. But the fact you are worried on expanding family and leaning towards hopeless options.

If you ever have problems with Inlaws and his brother try to figure out how can you fix it. Unless you live with them and your husband realize you make an effort to cope up he will probably not understand your feelings. I am notsaying he is right. But the fact you are not able to express to him and he is not going to listen you this is the way I consider. You will do this if you love him and want to make life with him.

Believe it or not, he and you will be asked soon about childrens, that's what our society is about. You will have to go through many more high pressure situation. You need to think positive and be strong to sail this difficult journey.

Good luck
Archie