Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi i have been married for the last 1 yr and have known my hubby for the last 4 years. when we were dating , my MIL tried to put restrictions ..i put up with it. thinking tht things will change once i get married. but since i have got married this not a single day tht goes without some problem from their end.now we are in vancouver..so they are execting us to send them money as well as tickets. we are just settling ehre and not so stable financially.. if we try to tell them tht they start fighting.watever happens in the house..if its negative they blame me. and they also dont want me n my hubby to keep any relations with my family. when we were in india..(first 6 months after marriage) but in a diffrent city, they didnt even keep in touch with my family nor did they respond properly when my family called or visited them. whenever we called.. they wud just fight with us. now since we have come abroad,they expect us to call every week.. n even if we are half an hr late.. they get angry.. n if for some reason we cant call up then there is a big fight the next time we call.they were being very loving towards us when we came abroad.. but the day my hubby told them tht he cant afford sending a ticket jsut rite now.. they are back to their old games..i just dont know how to deal with them. Any suggestions gladly welcome. i just need some peace of mind..we are trying for a baby.. and my doc keeps telling me to relax.. but i am just so depressed, tensed, upset all the time.help me pleaseeeeeeeeeeee!!!! ruchira replied. hi ab, u know i have always been a happy n cheerful peron.. n have been told so by even strangers who meet me for the first time... but u know this thing was starting to control my life.. and thts y decided to post a message here and i am glad...i did it.. hey i think we are in the same time zone.. where are u.. i am in toronto ruchira replied. hi augustborn, julyborn,V1 and friend,
thanx so much for ur resposes..u know i always knew tht i was right but i always ended up feeling guilty.coz my mil and also to certain extent my fil kept on taunting me abt how i ahd taken their son away and influenced him and his behaviour.
my hubby is really sweet n loving..but he just cant say anything to his parents..i may b wrong in expecting this.. but u know sometiems i feel tht he shud just tell them tht no my wife is right:P hehe i know it will complicate things more.but yes i am gonnatry this thing with the phone call this weekend n will let u gals know how it goes..
August born...hence forth ièll try not to speak abt them to my hubby i knowhe feels bad..poor thing.
friend... i know wot u mean by saying tht ur mil keeps track of how many tmes u guys go out to eat.. last sat was my bèday n they called up to wish me n i said hubby has gone out get food.. so immediately she said.. ohh y cudnt u cook...
but like u all said.. i am not gonna let her effect me when i am so many miles away... thanx a lot for all the support gals.. makes me feel not so sad anymore augustborn replied. Hi Ruchira

Let me first focus on the last lines of your post...you are trying for a baby but are terribly depressed...
Now, you need to understand that people can hurt you only if you let them...You are miles and miles away from your IL's but they are still able to ruin your happiness. Do you want to give them the satisfaction of that???
Ofcourse not...it will be very difficult, but you need to get them out of your mind. You need to be at peace with yourself and relaxed to be able to conceive(which you know)so you have to make this effort...
Whenever you start thinking about all this mess:
1. Pick up a book..
2. Call a friend
3. Watch a movie
4. Go for a walk...
anything to take your mind off this issue...

Regarding your own behaviour towards your IL's:
1. They have proved themselves to be selfish and greedy people who dont understand the financial constraints of their son...they dont deserve your sympathy.
2. Try to say a simple hello(if you must speak)and leave the conversation to your husband. They are his parents, he will deal with them..
3. After you call, donot discuss the call or their behaviour.
4. Ask your husband to make it clear to them that you would semd the tickets whenever you guys can afford it. If they put this question to you, refer them to ur husband.
5. They have shown dis-respect towards your parents and in the process lost the right to be loved or respected by you.
6. Lastly, let them play games...you be dignified and ignore these antics...They will surely get tired of these ploys...

Most important of all, donot complain about them to your husband..he knows their short-comings...you will only embarass him. Instead give him lots of love and make yourself and your husband happy...you owe it to each other. He will cherish and love you for it...

Best of luck!
V1 replied. Dont let this problem linger in your life . Solve it by being firm take bold steps.

Next time Ask your husband to tell them :

tell them you wont be calling next week . Cost is high so we will call once a month from now on .

Cant send tickets , cost is high .

Talk for less time also to drive the point of cost is high .

Donot let anyone insult you . You are a human being deserving respect .

If they insult just disconnect the phone . They already think worst of you so what have you got to loose anyway ?





a friend replied. Hi ruchira,

I had exact same problems in my life like yours, while reading your story I thought I am reading mine. Ours was a love marriage too and my in-laws wanted me not to keep in touch with my parents at all. She wouldn’t let me visit them. Now it’s been 5 yrs of our marriage still my mil worries a lot about how many calls I make to my parents place every week. She never calls my parents but wants to know each and every detail about them. (Whether they are filling my ear against her or I am sending them some money all that rubbish).

When we recently (my hubby and I) moved to US as julyborn mentioned “they think their son and DIL will be having all the fun with out them”, exactly in the same manner my mil used to feel. She used to feel that I am the one who took her son away. She would expect phone calls twice a week and then she would taunt like “today we had pizza or burger or pasta or something western” and at the end she would say “you guys are in US don’t think your can only enjoy or that only you guys get to eat western food”. I used to be in such dismay that how she is comparing like this. It’s so weird and childish. But with time I have learned to ignore her completely. Its so funny she even keeps track of how many times we go out for lunch/dinner and would tell my hubby that your wife is worth nothing as she doesn’t cook for you (its been 5 yrs now leave us alone lady!)

Also just like julyborn mentioned “next time don't talk to her on phone...talk after some days....she might get angry again....but after sometime she will get the messege that this all won't get her want she wants....if she speaks nicely to you....u speak nicely....use her own tactics on her...” I used the same tactics. She would call me and praise a lot about my co-sis and pick on me a lot, but then I just stopped talking to her. My hubby would call and I wouldn’t say even for once that I would like to talk to your mom. She would say you don’t talk to me and she would hear nothing but my silence. She got angry but she got my message that if she is going to be nice to me then I will be nice otherwise “to hell with her”.

Regarding your baby thing, relax and have faith in god. See if your mil mistreats you she will get the same treatment for herself so just forget about everything and focus on the life you are going to have when this little being will come and make you so happy. You will be in my prayers, okay.

Cheer up and good luck. julyborn replied. Welcome to the world of in-laws...I think whoever comes out of india for the first time...everybody goes through this...parents just want to to come here as they think their son and DIL will be having all the fun with out them...

First of all.....you did not tell that how does your hubby feels about all this??? is he on your side ?

Ans next ....don't feel pressured or get scared of them...if you give in now ...whole life you will be suffering like rest of us...

So don't be afraid of her....if your mil gets angry...just show her that did not affect you...like say she got angry on phone for something...next time don't talk to her on phone...talk after some days....she might get angry again....but after sometime she will get the messege that this all won't get her want she wants....if she speaks nicely to you....u speak nicely....use her own tactics on her...

Finally...as you r trying for baby....just relax and don't think about alll these things...Life with inlaws is not rosy for i think most of indian women....you may have to deal with more such things...so be strong....have a very relationship with your hubby.....always make him understand lovingly about matters of his parents...

i hope i was able to help you....