Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends,

I am a chartered accountant and stay in Delhi NCR with my husband and my baby. I have been married for 4 years.

My parents in laws stay in Delhi. Initially after marriage we were staying with my in-laws during which period I got to see the dark side of my in-laws and was very upset. They are very dominating in nature and they major issue they had was my job and that I am very financially well off almost equivalent to my husband. My tiff with them continued with them for 2 years after which we moved out to Delhi NCR on the pretext of distance between my husband' s office and his home. Things turned out to be better when we moved out, with minimum interaction with each other, the relation was smooth. We kept going to their place every weekend for 1-2 hrs have one meal or vice versa, this made both my in-law and my husband happy, since he is the only child they have. This was the arrangement that I agreed to when I asked my husband to move out.

However I just had a baby girl 2 months back which was normal and my baby and I have been doing well since then. During my pregnancy period, I was staying in Delhi NCR and continued my office. I had my delivery at my mum’s place that' s in Delhi. And I moved to my place in Delhi NCR last week, that' s when my MIL & FIL came to take care of baby. This time she came for 2 weeks initially and time has been tough since then. She wouldn' t let me have the baby except of feeding she wouldn' t let me hold the baby since she fears I will drop my baby. Apart from the baby, she has created havoc in my house, she has completely taken over my kitchen and orders the maid to cook what she ate at her home, that' s light dal, spiceless food, boiled chicken etc.I get tea only once a day that too when the tea is prepared for everyone at home. AS per her, our eating habits are bad and unhealthy so she wants us to change it. Both my husband and myself are completely shell shocked with her behavior. I am not getting the full nutritious food that a lactating mum should get. I feel like taking my baby and running away. I feel like crying. My FIL is silent viewer of the entire episode. I am finding it difficult to believe that it' s the same home that my husband and I purchased after taking a huge home loan. The only good thing is that they plan to go in a month’s time. My husband knows what happening but says that he can’t do much because come what may my MIL is taking good care of my baby.

I am in a dilemma these days. I am due to join back my work next month (exactly a month to go) and initially my husband and myself had planned to keep a maid back home to take of the baby or to put the baby in a good crèche (we do have many good crèches in Delhi NCR).But unfortunately my husband heard a bad incident in his office with the maid/babysitter treating the baby inhumanly so he his scared to keep a babysitter. For crèche also he is too minded and isn’t happy with this arrangement. He says that we can hire a babysitter and keep the babysitter and baby at either parent’s place so that the child is safe and under supervision of some elder. My mum is working so it won’t work for her, so this means that my child would be at my husband’s parents’ place. We can go to visit the child 2-3 times a week till the time she is minimum 1.6 yrs old to be out in a crèche. My in-laws stay 1.5 hrs away for our house.

I am totally confused – I know at heart of heart that my MIL although doesn' t get along with me but will surely keep my baby safely. She has also agreed to it but this means that I will have to interact with her frequently which both of us avoid. I also fear that my baby will get so use to her, that she may become unattached to me during the course of time. I cannot leave my work and sit at home since I have some financial obligations to pay off.

My friends please advise what can be the best possible solution in the current scenario.

Regards, Nishi

Nishi replied. Thanks for all for your immense support and valuable inputs.Your suggestions were of great help.Rakhi and Tims , your posts were the most valuable one.I have already started enquiring about elderly maids from the hospitals and nearby places.Thanks again.God Bless!!! tims replied. Dear Nishi,
i know its not easy to find a reliable maid.i too was not satisfied with things initially.but i had no choice but keep trying,and finally thankfully i got what i want.thats why i asked you to ask help from your inlaws also,if its possible.let me explain my situation.i have a boy(abt 21 yrs) as a full time servant.he is the one who cook food and buy things from market etc.since he is from a known family and is a nice boy,its a real blessing to have him.also i have trained him from beginning about what and how to cook,what to shop etc etc.but i knew,i cant keep my baby with him alone.so i needed a lady for that purpose.for getting a reliable one,i had to try 3 people initially.one was not happy at my place,other was not punctual and used to come late,go early etc and a third one, we doubted was not sincere enough.this is the fourth one and she is here for last two yrs and we are happy with each other.i always went for elderly married ladies for two reasons.first one,i already have a young boy at home.second,i strongly believe,they are more caring towards a small child.all at home call the present maid, aunty and give her enough respect.she is also nice to my son and take care of him well.now my son is 21/2 yrs old and will start school soon.
when trying for a maid,go for ones who live nearby,have no problems at their home so that they wont be taking leave often, and give them enough money,may be a little more than what others give normally in the area.also let them feel that its a long association and not just for 5-6 months so that they are interested in working for you.for them also,it should be a stable income,no much burden of work.see,we all want a stable income,good working environment.if we get that,we will be happy to work.start your search at the earliest.convince your husband about it.he will also be happy to keep your child with you,rather than sending him away.dont get upset if you get initial setbacks.take leave from office whenever you want without feeling guilty.ofcourse all mothers do that and your employers will understand.all the best tims replied. Hi Nishi,
your case is a normal situation and many peole undergo this kind of situation at some point in their life.we cannot live independently even if we wish so and might need help from others at some or other point in our life.so it is very important in life to maintain relationships for a peaceful life.i am not saying you are wrong at any point.you wanted your independence which i think most people desire in this modern times.now when your baby is also there in the picture you are bound to take help from inlaws.see,i strongly feel that its impossible to leave your child at your inlaws place.i was also asked to do the same when my child was born as i had to work.for me,inlaws live in another nearby city,which means i can be with my son only during weekends.i strongly opposed the idea.i know my inlaws are nice people,but i want my child to be with me.and he also need me,i know.both my parents and inlaws couldnt come to stay at my place due to different reasons.so i opted for keeping two permanent maids,one full time,another full day.full time maid was there from my pregnancy,so it was easy.yes,its a bit expensive,but since i kept a good relation with my maids,they are good to my son.this worked for me.but i didnt want to send him to a creche also at this tender age as he wont be getting personal care as well as fresh home made milk and food at creche.
for you,if you can ask your inlaws to come to your place,that is the best for you and your child.let them be in charge for the time being.but still,its your house,is in' t it? Another lady replied. By going through this mail i came to an interesting point raised by a reader that DIL' s call \" my husband\" \" my house\" forgetting that the husband is someones son before becoming a husband etc. tc.
Actually it is a vicious circle created by all of us only .
the ladies who have become mom-in-law now expect there DIL to respect them .They want the house & son in their control bcoz \" they made many sacrifices \" to bring up the child .But the point here is did at their time when they were DIL respect their ILaws ?? Did at that time they think that their husband was also raised by someone and they need to respect them .did they allow their respective MIL to take charge of all???
The basic thing is that we all want freedom and wonderfull life at our time but when we become Ilaws we expect heaven from our kids forgetting did we do the same for our elders at our time ?????
Mostly people have double standards .the day we change this the day things will improve .
A Lady replied. So you asked your husband to move out since you did not get along with Inlaws and he did for your sake!
that was so nice of him!
& at \" your house \" , All your MIL does is try to get you guys to adopt a different style of diet, which is boring (& may or may not be healthy..I am not sure) but I understand that she is not trying to starve you or anything purposely!
when you say ' my husband' ,do you realise that ' your' husband is your Mother in law' s son ? .Don' t you think she has all the rights to say /do things to improve his health and his wife' s and her grand kid' s?.. (just like you want to decide for your 2 month old kid???)
Just like your husband considered his parents' home as his home where he was born ,where he grew up, got married .....the parents also have all rights to consider their son' s
home as theirs ?..Does' nt it make perfect sense ?...poor parents...can you imagine how much sacrifices your inlaws would have made to bring up \" your\" husband????. so please do not ever think that the house that you live in is only yours and not your
husband' s parents...
& I am sure your husband was not' shocked' (as you claim) by the changes that his mother made in the kitchen.
C' mon she was his mommy from birth until 4 years back! so he knows about his mom. he will not mind/should' nt mind !if he made you think that he was also annoyed, then that shows how much he wants to ' appear' loyal to you..poor guy , he wants to so please
you!
well, as far as the day care issue is concerned, you must be lucky to have some one you trust with the kid ,to take care of your kid at this point!
I had to leave my kid in Daycare when she was a year a old and that time was the most difficult time in my life ever!!. when I used to leave from the day care when my kid was still crying and calling me that was the most toughest thing to do .. I never had the luxury of help from anyone when my
kids were that young.they had severe cold problems, allergies etc since they went to day care.
Like they say it is always greener on the other side .In your case, it is so true..If you are smart person, you would agree to leave your kid with your inlaws and hire a maid without thinking again!
goodluck indian replied. when i put myself in your place...its quite a tough decision to make but i guess you could have planned well in advance like....u knew the arrival of the baby..and what next would happen too regd IN LAws.

choice that i see now is:
1, Keep aside the financial commitments for few months .. like take 3 months off..
2. the next three months your hub/mom can take leave.
me replied. First of all I want to say that pls do not be depressed and do not panic. Everything is going to be fine because nothing lasts forever. Congratulations about the baby !
Nishi, I went through similar issues. When I concieved, I was clear about not living with my in laws and luckily my husband got a job in Bangalore and we moved out from Delhi NCR when my daughter was just 2 months old. We were there till a year but had to come back because of many reasons - both our families are here and we were kind of lonely though independant. Secondly emmence pressure from in laws. I had quit my job before going to b' lore as I didn' t know where to leave my baby in a new city(never trusted maids etc). When we came back, I made it clear to my family that I would take care of the house and run the kitchen. I did not start working. I stayed home to take care of my child and took complete charge of the house. There were many small issues and apprehensions from their and my side, but we all had to adjust. I gave up my career for my daughter, maybe I will take it up later. My in laws have gotten used to me being the kitchen boss and I handle the maids etc...
You need to take your call...I shared my past 2 years with you. I felt exactly the same as you but this was my choice for my child' s and my security in the long run.
TAKE CARE and keep me posted.