Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hello friends,

I just wanted to ask whether you folks do your shopping on your own when you go back home or someone’s with you. As my MIL always comes along when I go for shopping and buys things according to her likes and dislikes. Sometimes she buys things beforehand and asks us to carry it with us even if we don’t like it. If I say I don’t want to carry then her taunts are too ruthless that I just give up. So, it’s always that half of our luggage is full of unwanted stuff (especially toys, clothes and baby stuff which my kid doesn’t even need).

If I want to buy some stuff she will disapprove of and if by chance I tell her I don’t like the one she selected then she will make a big issue out of it. Last time I wanted to buy a dress for my son and she didn’t like the color it was a big drama in the shop itself, eventually my hubby had to intervene and I got the one of her choice. I just don’t know what can be done with such a bossy MIL around.
leena another DIL replied. I am pretty much in the same boat as yours. A week into our wedding she showed me some of her old USED sarees. Even she doesn't wear them. Her reason was that I don't have any simple sarees to wear at home. Which was true I had all brand new silk sarees n all. I told her point blank that I didn't like any of her stuff. Plus I wanted to use all the new clothes we had just shoppped for. c'mon I was brand new bride. 6 months later they visited us here in the US. She brought one of those sarees for me to wear. I couldn't believe her. She is visiting me for the first time & she brings a used saree for me? And I am the DIL of the only son she has. She could bought me new a simple saree. I showed it to my husband. I was furious. He kept defending his mom. I told him, how would he feel if my dad brought his old/used clothes for him? He was quite. Infact my parents spent a lot on my hubby clothes, even before they visited us. They are always shopping for the best stuff for him. Hamare damad ke liye shah rukh jaise kapde hone chahiye. I was just pissed. I have decided next time my in-laws visit us (which is soon) I will ask her to take back all those shitty old stuff she brought for me. Its never about money. They feel so insecure about themselves that they find solace in belittling us. I hope none of us here turn into our MILs later. augustborn replied. I have been married for 3 yrs and have received one gift from my IL's - a saree on my first diwali(btw my IL's are quite well to do)...
Anyways, my MIL didnot give me this saree in front of anyone. It was a plain polyster saree(something which one would a maid on Diwali). Being naive I didnot want to read anything in it. And then I saw the sarees she had given her daughters...needless to say, they were awesome. Now I really felt bad. Although comparing sarees etc is very petty and my mom has given me gorgeous sarees(I have so many I dont need another) but I am somewhat ashamed to acknowledge that I felt slighted. Had she not made a distinction(atleast not so huge), I wouldnt have minded. My mom too had sent sarees for my SIL's. She bought the same type and range of sarees for my SIL's and me. Later it turned out that it was an old saree which someone had given to my MIL ages ago...though it is a small thing, it hurt. I ignored the thing but my husband noticed and bought diamond studds for me the very same day.
The saree is still with me and I will give it back to my MIL on some important occassion as a loving gift :)
Sorry for being so vindictive(I know its so childish!)....haha
Diligent replied. My MIl had a tendency to buy 3rd grade stuff for me. Everything would be not to my taste (on purpose). When it came to clothes delibrately she would buy colours I hated or gaudy things. The first few years I used to keep them in the cupboard and discarded them slowly.

Once when they visited us from India, she brought again, all the junk you can get 2nd hand stores or from the roadside stalls. But for my SIL (their daughter, who at that time was living in the same town as us the clothes were from Amarsons, Sheetal, Crossroads, Shoppers stop and some from boutiques. You could just tell the difference in quality by looking at the stuff.

I over heard my husband telling his mom when I was not around that you haven't brought nice things for my wife. These colours she never wears and even I wouldn't let her walk out of the house with these outfits. That gave me courage.

The next day I brought all the things down and asked my maid to come, infront of them I told my maid these clothes are for you since I am clearing my cupboard. God you should have seen their faces. At the time they didn't say anything but I knew they would wait for their son to come back home in the evening.

When we went to bed that day, he asked me why did you give all the clothes my mom brought for you to the maid? So I looked at him and told him frankly, I did not like them, they were ugly and you know I have never worn these type of things in my life. So instead of making them ghar jamais in my cupboard I gave them away to a poor lady who will appreciate it. The topic was closed and since that day I stopped receiving these unwanted gifts! Leena replied. I know how it feels. My MIL uses our money only, as before going out my hubby gives her the whole amount for our expenditure and tells me to ask her for the money. This way he thinks he is giving her the importance she wants. Leena replied. hi,
thanks you all. I really hope she doesn't bother me a lot. you won't believe she even comes to my room in the middle of the night without even knocking when my kids starts crying, she says she gets scared thinking that the baby is sick. She insists that we should leave our door open even at night. I think its very difficult to change her nature, she seems over possessive about everything.
leena life replied. Well friends, you say your MIL will shop for you unnecessary things. My story is that MIL will shop for herself and zero for us when we go to India and when we are in Market for shopping. You guys dont believe if I purchase undergarments for myself she will say that she also needs and she will buy and ofcourse bill is paid by me!!!! howz that. If I buy some vessel or Tava she wants one. This time I am thinking I shall do all the shoping without her. Hope God bless's me with that opportunity augustborn replied. Leena, you need to get your act together. As VD said, putting up with this kind of invasion of privacy is not respect.
If she creates a fuss about certain things, let her. You dont have to take this crap-not from your mother and not from your mother-in-law.
Why dont you take her out one day, maybe for lunch(just the two of you) and tell her how you feel about all this. Worst thing, she will again cause a hangama but you are already used to it.
1. When she forcefully buys things you dont like, dont use them or return them to the store or simply give them away.
2. Lock your stuff so that she doesnt get to open it. It will send out a very clear message.

Please dont let anyone run your life for you. Be polite but very very firm. It will initially cause a lot of unpleasantness but eventually she will understand her limit and the effort will be worth it....

I will again quote(read it somewhere on this board\";
'There are no victims, only volunteers' leena replied. I agree with you vd, but I don't ask her to come along she takes it for granted that she will get all the shopping done. She likes to show her importance by all means. She gets undergarments for all of us (me-hubby-baby) but I just can't say I have my own choices, as I said she makes a whole issue out of it.

I don't want to show all of my stuff, but she comes and opens my luggage on her own stating that she will put the things properly in the almirah. Sometimes she does it when I am not around. So when I ask she just says oh I was just cleaning your room and arranging your stuff, its so messy here. I get so frustrated sometimes, with my little kid running around and her interfering nature.

leena vd replied. HI leena,

I dont understand why you have to tag her along. And why you should show her all the stuff. You are not a small baby.

Respect is another thing. You are over doing. You are a respectful woman, with own choices, likes and dislikes.

It reminds me of my bua, she would buy undergarments for her three married sons . YOungest being 35 years of age.

Please go out alone. And if she needs to buy anything, accompany.one or two things are fine. You can drop the stuff at airport, if you dont wan't.

One good thought, this time I went to India, I got curtains made from all the sarees (jazzy ones) which she gave on our wedding.They look too good,as curtains and cushions.

This time she came and saw them and got the message.