Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am in a total dillema ladies please help me. I have been married for 10 years have two children. We have a good marriage or so I thought. My husband has been drawn to these sick things like all men out there. I don' t like it at all and we have had several discussions about it and many fights and arguments over the years.

On saturday I was looking for keys in his office bag and I discovered a dvd that he has purchased and been carrying with him for I don' t know how long. I am so heart broken once again that he does these things. The dissapointing part is that he does it behind my back, secretly. Obviously, he was not going to watch that at home, he must be seeing it on his computer at work. which once again leads to so many thoughts that instead of coming home to us he calls to say he is working late and instead watching this at work.

The bottom line is that I have no trust or respect for him. I feel betrayed and lied too. Even if he tells the truth in future I will always doubt him. He obviously doesn' t seem to care because this is not the first time this has happened and he continues to do it.

I feel so rotten, can' t concentrate on anything. anjum replied. Hi Seher,

Am glad you did it. Have a great married life.

A 50 yr old man here! anjum replied. Hey with in laws at home, please maaf bhi kar do unko yaar....

Please take efforts to normalize relationship, this is my very sincere suggestion. I don' t know how else I can explain that he has not crossed any serious lines. He might have even purchased it because he might have borrowed similar things from friends or colleagues and he too had an obligation to add to the collection! This may infuriate you further but ye sab chalta hai yaar.........

Please understand that he loves you and children as much as he has done all these years, just viewing few such pics no one becomes a cheat. For example let me ask you this question : That you are discussing this very personal aspect of his over an anonymous board like this, are you cheating him? Can you tell him that you discussed this and some people said this and some others said this etc? Possibly not! and still you have not committed any crime at all, its (almost) like that... Seher replied. Hi Anjum,

We are not that old, I am 32 and he is 35. My kids are 7 and 3.5. I have no objection to watching such movies with him at all. But if he buys the DVDs on his own without telling me and prefers to watch it in privacy then I can' t do much can I.

As far as sexual practices go I think we have always been open with each other and had a good sex life. Always trying new things and accomodating each others needs. As far I know since the last 10 years there has not been any other woman in flesh or blood then I have sensed unless he has done it so discreetly I am still unaware of it.

We are always together, our social life is good, generally everything is fine.

I think that is why I am so shocked and hurt that he hides things from me when things have always been so open and I am not at all a conservative person.

I think Indian also has a point that I might have approached the subject in a different manner but when I found the DVD I was so completely shocked. Yet I did not raise my voice or get excited nothing of that sort. I just went into the room, closed the door and said this is what I found in your bag, how do you explain this and what is all this. He said it is nothing and you are over reacting. Which got me ticked off because I wasn' t over reacting I asked him a question in a calm composed way. and then he said that I bought it on the road they sell them at the intersection (you know pirated copies) and I got curious and bought it. Sorry I made a mistake. That is the exact same thing he said in the morning when I asked him why are you doing this and why couldn' t you tell me all this?

Since then we have not spoken just been pretending infront of the kids and my inlaws (they are visiting us at the moment) that everything is hunky dory! Seher replied. Hi Anjum,

We are not that old, I am 32 and he is 35. My kids are 7 and 3.5. I have no objection to watching such movies with him at all. But if he buys the DVDs on his own without telling me and prefers to watch it in privacy then I can' t do much can I.

As far as sexual practices go I think we have always been open with each other and had a good sex life. Always trying new things and accomodating each others needs. As far I know since the last 10 years there has not been any other woman in flesh or blood then I have sensed unless he has done it so discreetly I am still unaware of it.

We are always together, our social life is good, generally everything is fine.

I think that is why I am so shocked and hurt that he hides things from me when things have always been so open and I am not at all a conservative person.

I think Indian also has a point that I might have approached the subject in a different manner but when I found the DVD I was so completely shocked. Yet I did not raise my voice or get excited nothing of that sort. I just went into the room, closed the door and said this is what I found in your bag, how do you explain this and what is all this. He said it is nothing and you are over reacting. Which got me ticked off because I wasn' t over reacting I asked him a question in a calm composed way. and then he said that I bought it on the road they sell them at the intersection (you know pirated copies) and I got curious and bought it. Sorry I made a mistake. That is the exact same thing he said in the morning when I asked him why are you doing this and why couldn' t you tell me all this?

Since then we have not spoken just been pretending infront of the kids and my inlaws (they are visiting us at the moment) that everything is hunky dory! anjum replied. Dear Seher,

I have a feeling that this is not the only issue you have between. I may be wrong, but I would still suggest that you DO NOT make him feel guilty about this particular thing. Are you sure there is nothing else that he is hiding, instead of some moving picture if there is a moving person of flesh and blood? Is his sexual practices and frequency normal? You said ' many years back' , how old are you guys or how old are your children? Why cant you ask him to watch such a film once again along with you one of these nights? I know it may be far beyond your personal taste as of now, but still, instead of pushing him away from yourself, you have to pull him back. By tolerating this aberration, you would not be allowing him much, but if you are missing the REAL danger signal because of your over reaction on this, you may have to repent later. Answer my questions on the sex practices and frequency, his interests in it etc and try to calm yourself down and propose to see it along with him, see his reaction and please do keep talking here. I want to help you out as much as I can. Wish you peace, will pray for you. indian replied. i may be wrong but just felt to share my thought... i have had 8 years of married life...

i guess you should have reacted in a different way...

one could have been just take the CD off without his knowledge ... obviously he could not have asked you about it...

or your reaction should be to start off cool...\" when did you get this lets watch it together...\"

or keep silent later take this topic when in good mood.

one thing is quite sure he is only \" watching\" the DVD... and not going out for it. Seher replied. I agree with your points I understand that men are totally visual and physical beings.

The thing that hurt me is that he watches these things at a place of work as obviously he wants to do it in private and can not at home because I am around or the kids are around.

He often comes home late sometimes the kids are in bed and do not get to see their the whole day. That hurts me that his private needs over look us.

I am not at all a narrow minded person and am very open about these things. Many years back we even watched these things together.

I don' t know I just feel so hurt and I can' t think straight at all. We have not been speaking since the last 2 days and he has made no effort to talk about this. I asked him why did you do it, early yesterday morning when we were in bed and all his replied was I was curious and I made a mistake.

When I speak to my close friend she said I should not take it lightly as he is taking me for a ride and the more I over look it the more he will think he will push it each time.

I really don' t know what to do or say at this point. anjum replied. Seher,

I understand your frustration and problems with trust. But please try to appreciate few other points of view: Most people agree that sexual needs of males and females differ significantly. Women would put a lot more stress on the emotional aspect of love making and less on the physical aspect, this explains why lot of women continue to have sex without an orgasm most of the times and possibly many a times do not even mention to the husband that she did not come... Women have sex because they feel emotionally intimate and loved, but men have sex IN ORDER TO feel more intimate and to express love! Even though a man may not be able to perform too well in sex, still his needs are far higher than that of women, its a physical need whereas that of the woman is an emotional need.

Almost all men like to see such pics, with rare exception. Actually you may have to think about how normal a man is if he never watches such pictures or never looks at women around! Thats almost abnormal. Most women are either aware of this or ignore it altogether, as long as, this habit or practice or his choice of this does not affect any other aspect of life.

Now if the wife sneaks into the office bag and discovers a dvd, he really can not help, true he could have taken a bit more care about it. The man also deserves some very personal space or privacy. If you sneak into the bathroom while he is taking bath, you may discover him, muster bating, would your trust on the man vanish at that sight?

Learn to ignore, respect his privacy. Do not over-react. You can still talk to him and find out why he needs to do that, while you are there always to satisfy all his sexual needs. Please come back and lets discuss the topic some more, I am sure the issue exists in every home.