Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi you all daughter in laws,
You might be surprised to see a mother in law here on this board. And you would be even more surprized if I tell you that I am in Delhi and its 2 AM here and I am writing in this forum with pseudonym!
I am very depressed today and was searching some way to express my anguish. I know about this website and used to read the forums but it seems its only for daughter in laws/younger generation. But today I am so depressed that I am using your board to tell you my feelings.
I am 58 years old retired English Professor.( I took retiremnet because of my health. I have arthirits pain and can't stand/sit in one position for long time.) I lost my husband 5 years ago to heart attck. The day of his death was the last day of my haapiness and mentalpeace.
I have 3 sons and 2 daughter in laws. My both sons are earning well in MNcs having 2 cars and a good lifestyle if you say so! My husband buit our three storyed big house in a posh area of south delhi. But When my elder son got married, he legally divided the kothi in 3 parts. Ground floor for us, first for my elder son and DIL and Second for my Second son and his wife.
I am retired but getting a monthly pension which suffice me for my daily expenses. My husband also left me some amount in our joint account. So I think financilly GOD has been very kind to me. But my problem is emotional. In the ground floor, where I love now, we have 3 bedrooms. I live in One and have reserved one for any guest i may have occasuonly. Inthird room though my DILs have kept their stuff and use it as store room. They have 3 bedroom sets on each floor for them and thir kids. (Elder one has 2 sons and secon done has a son and a daughter). You won't believe that how my DILs taunt me for reserving the other bedroom as guest room. They want it to give it for rent for a working girl (as its very common in our neighborhhod). They bitch about me to my neighbors/relatives that I don't want to give it to rent and deprive them of extra money! I have a widow bhabhi who lives in delhi and is working. She has her own family but as you know her sons and daughters also think her as a burden(inspite of her earning for herself), so she comes to stay with me in holidays, and weekends as she is in govt job she has 2 days off. I find company and we don't take a penny from our children. But ye bhi meri DIls se bardasht nahi hota. They say ki main aur meri bhabhi unki burai karte hain aur meri bhabhi unki property lena chati hai!(poor soul, she never can think of this).
Now my DIls are also from delhi, so they have thier parents also coming to our house. For them they never say anything about staying here on holidays and spending money on them. I never interfere in their lives..
anyhow..After my retirement last year I bought a computer for myself from my retirement fund. This created a huge uproar and drama in my households. My sons and DIls both wanted this money to be spent on them/or deposted equally in thier accounts..believe me I don't spend a penny on luxury but as I am an educated lady and know how to use internet from my college , i wanted to have it to pass my time and to write e-mail to my extended family in USA. But my DIls taunted me an told me names like \";sathiya gayin hai etc etc \"; I came to know about it from my neighbour lady who told me that my bahu wa saying \"; Humne duniya mein itni budhiyan dekhi hain but inke nakhre jaisa koi nahi dekha\";.
Aap log vishwas nahi karoge ki mainkitna royi hoon..I spend money on thier kids, I give them gifts on birthdays, anniversaries, festivals but still they think I am greedy and spent my money on a computer.
Secondly, They laready have thier house, cars and after me whatever money i will be left with, it will be theirs but my daughetr in laws ko mera khana peena tak dushwar lagta hai.
You won't believe that my both DILs are hosewives but I cook for myself.:-( I have a small kitchen on my floor and because I don't eat meat, they sai d\"; ki hum bachhon ke chakkar mein time par nahi bana paate to aap apne liye subah chai nashta bana lo..time bhi kat jaayega aapka\";! I never ask them for morning tea as they both have thire husbands and kids to take care..But lunch/dinner tak main itn athak jaati hoon ki khud banta nahi..and because i don't eat pyaz, lehsun they say ki humse alag nahi banta..ya to pyaz wala kha lo ya khud banao\"; I had pains in my legs so maine ek kaam waali rakh li to is par ghar mein hungama hua..meri bahu ne bola ki humare bachhon ki padhai ke liye hum ek ek paisa save kar rahe hain aur aap naukar rakh kar sab uda do, ye nahi ki pote potiyon ke liye kuchh jama karein\";
Main itna roti hoon kai baar to gussa aatahai but apne beton se kuchh nahi kehti ye sochkar ki i dshould not disturb their maried life..bahu beta mein shanti bani rahe tabhi achha hai..but main khud kamate hue bhi emotinally itna torture jhel rahi hoon..
Apne relatives ko bhi kuchh keh nahi sakti kyonki relatives bhi kyak ar sakte hai..paise se mujhe koimadad nahi chahiye but meri bahuien mujhje ek insaan ki tarah treat karein na ki ek bojh ki tarah..:-( Yahan tak ki mere grandchildren ko mere paas zyada der rukne nahi dete ki kahin mein unki maa ke khilaaf unke kaan to nahi bhar rahi (ye baat meri ek rishteddar se pata chali),,imagine my eldest grandosn is 9..usko kya kaan bharoongi main..
Is forum mein dekha ki there are so many girls who are troubled by their in laws. I feel sorry for them. But bahuon ko to sansaar ki sahanubhuti mil jaati hai ki uski saas buri hai but mere jaise saas ko to sahanubhuti bhi nahi milti kyonki for the world, i am getting pension and i am educated so they think i am happy! I have freedom..but only to stay in my room and cook for myself.no respect. nolove..
I wish I should have gone with my husband. I don't know kab tak ye life chalegi aise..I am so lonely.
Its late here but I have no sleep.

swati replied. i have heard abt bahus in delhi and I also lived in South Delhi- I am in US now. I have to tell u one thing - since u r independent and educated pls move out. Sell your flat somehow and move nearby maybe. U raised your kids pretty well like a normal lady and were so busy with your career and didnt have time to brainwash your sons. U should c all these veli kitty party ladies who jsut spend money like water and control their sons or program them agaisnt future DILs. They r brain dead and have nothing better to do. So proud of u!! Vini replied. You will be surprised to know that I am a DIL who is writing to you. Actually i wanted a mil like you educated , so understanding. If were there i would never let you live like that. Here my story is this that i do everything for my inlaws, I am Govt Employee. But they always want to oppose me in everything. They are ill mannered and very partial to me. Chalo then also i have soft corner for them as they are older.
Antee i think sometimes communication gap creats this problem. So once you sit and call your dil and ask about the things you have heard from other people. i think they might not be vamp that they can't understand you. Please do as i have told you. As i simply do this thing in any such case and normalize the situation. LA replied. I am curious, why can't you tell your DIL to mind their own business, that you are an adult and they don't have a damn right to how you live your life or spend your money or time.

Tell your sons to teach them some respect and tell your DIL's to mind their own business and keep away from you if they can't respect you. ruchira replied. hello aunty!
i have been reading ur mail and am really pained to read abt ur DILs attitudes.. please take care of urself and keep mailing in.. just so we know tht things are fine with u..
warm regards
ruchira rakhi replied. Can I ask...where are your son's in this whole story. Don't they have any say....or do they just repeat after their wifes.
It's just a matter of standing up for yourself...whther u be a MIL or a DIL.
I think you are very fortunate that u r finacially secure and not dependend on your kids. Next time they give you hell on how u should spend your money...remind them of that. Lot of people out there take monthly karchi from their kids...remind them. As for u keeping a cook...if they raise the topic...tell them point blank...here r your options ...either u keep your help or they take the extra effort to make your type of food...since they very nicely mentioned that it is difficulit for them it accomodate your eating prefernces...u have to eat something!!!!!Bookha to nahi rah sakta. You r old gen now and it is too late for you to change eating habits!!!
Next time there is a kalash....remind them that it is their resposibility to bring up thier kids...and pay for their education..u did your job..gave yours sons the education. They are already living in a house provided by thier dad...so they don't need to pay RENT!!! Now is your time to relax and enjoy life...u have done your part. If they r so deprived for money they can go get jobs too.

As for the room rent...u want your privacy and that is that...who is that extra money for??? do want it..if you do..get them to take their stuff out the 3rd room..and then you will rent....and that rent will go to a fund that you set up for the kids..and they will get on their marriage as their wedding gift!Grand moms are for pampering.

I hope you feel better....and good luck. another DIL replied. Your story is heart wrenching indeed. Honestly mujhe bhi apne in-laws se shikayat hai. Aur mein kabhi naraz bhi ho jati hun unki harkaton se. I retaliate becoz I feel they don't love me & that they are always judging me. But, apki situation is my nightmare. Sometimes I wonder if I am turning into one of your DILs. Your story is a reminder for all of us DILs out there that there is a fine line between taking no shit & being disrespectful. So before I react to my in-laws I stop & think would I behave this way with my parents? Not that I am successful all the time, but its a step in the right direction. Your message is very very humbling. Its good that atleast financially you are not dependent on them. I would advice ki you need to speak up a little. If you found out that your DILs complain about you then confront them. Bring it out in the open, but pyar se. People often forget or don't realize what the other person is going through. Aap unko apne bachon ki tarah batao ki ap kya chahte ho. May be they'll understand, may be they won't. But atleast everythings out in the open. Tell them in a nice way that you would open up the room for rent so the grand kids can use the extra income. But you really look forward to your bhabhi's visit. Ask them if they can move their stuff from the 3rd bedroom. DILs love it when their MILs treat them like their own daughters. I know jab meri MIL pyaar se mere sir pe haath ferteen hain, to I forget every negative thing that happened between us. My heart just melts. DILs ko sirf acceptance chahiye, and I think MILs need to express it well. Waise things are not always this easy. May be you've tried these methods & if hasn't worked then you pretty much need to make peace with it. Ignore all negative input from them. Infact anyone of your friends tells you something about them, stop them & say I don't care. Duniya gayi tel lene !! Be happy & cheerful. Aap apna koi seniors ka friend circle bana lijiye. Do some social work etc, have a busy routine. That will give you something to look forward to. I know you have physical limitations, but try kar ke dekho, something might workout. Good Luck aunty !!