Relationships  Discussion Forum

i have been reading all the messages so far to see if any woman has a problem like i do but couldnt find anyone.so i feel even more strange to realise that i have a weired problem.
i am a 28yr old woman ,married for 4yrs now.i dont want to boast or anything but people say that i am a very good looking girl.but unfortunately my hubby is not.ours was an arranged marriage,so i didnt have too much say when getting married.at first i was ok with him not being that good looking,or tall for that matter but lately that has become a major problem in our marriage.the reason being my 2 childhood friends also live very close to my house and they have very handsome husbands.it makes me very insecure and shameful when i am around them,because i feel they are laughing at me for having married such an average looking person.
not only that,he is actually also a very average person,meaning no one gets impressed with him.and he is a center for jokes amongst his friends.i have mixed emotions for him,when he is among friends i hate him for having so many shortcomings in his physical appearance,but when we are together i love him.because he is very caring,takes care of me and loves me a lot.i know that is all i need,and i have been trying to like at all times,but i feel i need more.i need him to be taller,more good looking and more charming and not the center of jokes among his friends.
is that wrong,what should i do.pls give me advise ak replied. Hello dear,
I think u need to stop looking at the person from outside and look at it from inside. Physical beauty is superficial, but inner beauty last for ever.
When i was in hostel, i had a best friend. When my mom met my best friend for the first time, she later told me that she was not good looking...but i never saw it that way...as she was my best friend...she was beautiful to me...and i guess the way i talked about her my mom always felt that she was this gorgeous person!!
It's basically how u talk about that makes the person how he or she is.
hope this helps
an replied. Hi Julia!!
May be people who have seen U would call you beutiful. I have never seen you but i can say that U are not beautiful. I am sorry to be a bit rude but its true. Dear its Ur heart which makes u beutiful and not ur face.
anyway, why I am replying to u because I really feel sorry for what u think and want to share something with you.
I too am good looking,much younger than you and not boasting and have average looking husband like yours but I never felt that way.
I always tried to be his strength, his hope. I know people might be talking behind us about him but I make them feel that there is something very good and extraordinary in him rather than looks which makes his wife stick to him,love him and care for him so much. Even the couples who look perfect for each other have been embarrassed before us.
even mine is an arranged marriage,he was chosen by my parents. but I accepted him as he is, I do try to change him if I find any fault in him but not for myself but for the sake of living gracefully in the society. I give him all the respect and love just because he is a good human being and he is my husband who loves me too.
You should try and help him and never make him feel that you are ashamed.
I don't think people matter much in our lives,specially if they are not cooperative. I think it would be ur husband who will be the first to help u in crisis and not the people.so stop thinking about people and concentrate on your husband.And I am telling you even here on the board its not the PEOPLE who are going to help you but its ur inner self and LOVE of your husband which will help u come out of this type of false thinking.
let him be proud of you by being his beauty. it's a beautiful relationship if you have heart to feel it.
try to find the beuty of his love and love him truly as much as you can.
BE HIS STRENGTH NOT WEEKNESS.

all the best
vs replied. It is tough to believe that your parents chose a man with hardly any impresive qualities for your husband.Maybe you are so busy concentrating on his negatives that you are ignoring his positives.Anyways,the fact that a beautiful woman like you chose him for a husband and stays married to him for 4 years conveys a lot to others.Soon they will also see what you see in him if only you give a chance.Dont mess this up by being ashamed of him because if the spouse dosen't respect a person no one will. sn replied. I had similar feeling when I got married too.My husband is 10 years older to me.So when I was a fresh out of college, he was already a mature successful man.Besides my friends hated him because they found him completly of an other league.Also because his small town upbringing his dressing was not cool and his english was accented.We dealt with it by gradually changing his dressing and english and also by developing new friendships with whom we don't have to be ashamed of who we are.Anyway friends who laugh at us are hardly friends in the true sense.Today 12 years later I have gained weight and look very much the housewife-mother of two (which I am) while my husband looks the same man I married 12 years back.But I know he will not be ashamed of me because our love is much deeper than mere beauty.Hope yours is too. jkl replied. hi,
it is a very normal human behaviour and a typical female characteristic. Any woman in your place would feel the same as you would, only thing is that you realize that this is a problem and are more open to help yourself. Otherwise if such a feeling would have been hidden and buried in your heart you would feel indifferent towards your husband for no mistake of his, which generally happens in such type of cases. I have got a close and live example of your case in my home only. My mother feels like you do, though she takes care of my father in every sort of way like an ideal wife, but that is done as a duty, otherwise she feels he is not social, not able to talk in gatherings, not bold enough, not smart, not enough intelligent as her friend's husbands are. This has resulted in such a worst failure of their marriage, since fathers ego is hurt. Even if my mother doesnt say anything directly but her indirect conversation reveals that she is finding all sorts of shortcomings in my father. So what finally happens in such a marriage is th couple just lives without any attraction towards each other.
If you see, you have done a lot of mistakes, you should not have gone for an arranged marriage if you wanted everything of your choice. Even in arranged marriage you should have not have selected the one who was handsome or smart to your scale. You cannot blame it on to your husband for this and you cannot even punish him for your mistake or of your parents.
What I think is that you had many dreams of a handsome prince charming before marriage and somehow you compromised on the beauty part. You should have broken that image when you got married and not to fit your husband in that image. This is the problem you are facing.
Now that you two have got married, just make it clear to yourself that it is a matter of sheer luck, that what you have got and what your friends have got.
See your husband is not a showpiece in your drawing room who should be so good looking to impress your guests.
Just think of this, do you get ashamed of your father with your friends. Or had your father been like short and bald and ugly sort of, would you feel ahsamed to take him in public? Why do you consider your husband to be someone who should be praised in society. Why does society come on top priority.
If your life is going on well, then dont think of what others think of you. A good looking package is not necessarily good inside. And everybody is not enough lucky to get all the fishes in one basket.
And lastly I would like to tell you a solution to fight with this problem. Be open and accept this fact that your husband in not good looking. If anyone tells you this truth, agree to him but dont take it to heart. You only know your husband's worth. tell your husband even that he is not good looking but dont taunt him. The more you speak about it, the more it become acceptable to your own self. Dont run away from your feelings. And try to give him as much love as he gives you. take him to the parties or social gatherings and introduce him to your handsome friends. Dont hide anything and be open. Make yourself to accept the truth that husband is a person having a lot of characterists other than beauty.
Next thing is that, beauty lies in the eyes of beholder. and that is certainly true. It is quite possible that your friends dont consider their husbands so much handsome as you do. Had you got such a husband and then you had a man with more interesting characteristics, you would have been with the same feelings as now. Desires dont have any end.
It would be rahter much better to accept the fact and try to make your relationship more beautiful than asking for more desires. If your husband is open and loves you, talk to him that you would have wanted a lot of qualities from him. But make sure that he doesnt feel hurt and dont criticize of compare.
I have written a lot to make you understand your problem. If you still have doubts( which i am sure you have), I would like to discuss.
Thanks Suman replied. Just think what will happen , if your husband thinks the same as u , and if he is intersted with some one else ??????????