Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

Its difficult to write experiences in words, but am doing so. I really need the strength and right suggestions.

I am 26yrs and have been in arranged marriage since past 2.5 years. I have no children as we never had any relationship. I know I should end this relation but unable to answer some questions.

In my family and friends, I was the first one to marry in this generation so I was not aware of what happened before marriage. Neither was aware of India Parenting My would be partner said that he does not trust me (what reason, I don’t know). Even I did not trust him as he was new to me. I thought that once we marry, we’ll know each other better, understand each other, care for each other and so we’ll start trusting each other. Also my partner wanted to marry an educated female who has some degree.

We got married. I had to hang around in India for 4 months before I got my visa. In this duration my partner called up and said that “the girl who proposed me is marrying now and started crying”. I in consultation with my family decided to divorce him as he betrayed me. He called me several times and persuaded me to join him in his new country and said that everything will be all right.

After I got my visa, I flied to join him. I had acne on my face at that time. When I joined him, he decided to treat my acne. He told me that until n unless my acne is cured I’ll not take you anywhere. At that time, he hardly used to speak to me, we never had any relation. Within 8 months my acne was fine. Then my partner told me that he never wanted to marry me as he did not like me. He married me caz he was weak. His family did not support him and he also got a warning from his new employer. He never mentioned me about the same as he did not trust me. He said that he died internally the day he married. He says, how can he be happy with a female whom he never wanted to marry.

I did not mention any of these things to my family as they would worry. Also I had my siblings who were yet to marry. My divorce would bring hindrances in my sibling’s marriage. When the limit crossed after 1.5 years I told my parents and they suggested that I should divorce him. But I continued as I was unable to make a firm decision.

Recently I went back to India. My in-laws say that their responsibility is over by marrying their son and everything will be alright.

My parents had a clear discussion with my partner about our relationship. My partner said that “my family should give time of around 6 months and they will see the difference”.

Today I am back in the same country and he is in India for some more time. Just to mention I am fairly smart, well educated (am a CA) and I am able to bear my own expenses. My family is fairly educated and well settled. I never had any affairs in my life. Since the time I started working in this new country, my partner stopped taking care of my expenses.

Even today my partner calls me only when he has some work to be done by me. Till date he has never accepted his mistake of not letting me know the truth before marriage that he did not like me. He says it was his family’s mistake, my parent’s mistake and my mistake as I married him.

I feel it was neither my mistake nor my parents. Incase he was not willing to marry me, he should have communicated me. Why did he enter my life, when he can’t give me happiness, a love of a husband? To be true, I have decided not to marry again caz I can’t trust anybody now.

When we discuss of divorce, he says we should not as we make a gr8 couple. I have divorce in my brain but have other questions too like about the life after divorce, the shame I’ll bring to my family, the respect I’ll loose, the fact that there will be no one in this big life of mine….. I know by continuing also I don’t have him, but there is a hope which deep lies inside the corner of the heart, a very little hope… but after divorce there is also no hope….

Can you guys suggest anything?
Nids replied. Hi,

I think after hearing so much you should always hear to your mind and not heart. Pl Pl do not let your self respect go down in any circumtance and situation.

The rest is your decision and I do not have anything to tell you.

All the best.

Namita replied. i totall agree with Ritika

one more thing, u said ur family is well educated then pls. dnt think about people in our society what they will feel ... i m sure ur parents and siblings will support u, dnt think abt. society, this society will never come for ur help which u r facing with ur husband .. u r very young and educated and financially independent so pls. take decision to move out, let this man suffer ... he will suffer after u move

there will never be any problem for ur sibblings marriage, today society have changed,no one is so much bother and we shud not consider those who are bother of such issues Well wisher replied. Hi, May be rude...

See, he has no relationship with u in past 2.5 years. So, either he has his own girl. The symptons are, he arriving late from office, his mobile busy always, he goes on office trips at some intervals, etc.
The other one is, he is homo....he is not a man...

In either case...u should leave and get him punished by law.... he should be hanged..... Ritika replied. I agree with gg on this. You have given enough chances and wasted enough number of years on this guy.

Divorce is not such a dirty word today. It is better to get out of a namesake marriage that is giving only misery to you.

In 2.5 yrs, you have not had any relationship with this guy. He is just not interested in you and is demeaning you at every step. Why should you waste even a single breath on this guy??

After reading about his actions and reactions, I feel there is no hope of his changing. He is just a weak character.

He could not say Yes to his former girl friend (or whoever it was he wanted to get married to before you).

He could not say No to his parents when they forced him to marry you.

Right now, he cannot say \" ok, enough is enough. Let us go our separate ways.\" because that would mean that he would need to take a stand and decide.

You need to decide whether your life is worth more than waiting for an insensitive man who has been very selfish in his dealings with you. Who does not care about you at all and blames you and others for all that has happened to him rather than responsibility for his own actions.

I think your fear of leaving him permanently is natural. Whenever you break off a relationship (however tenuous), there is a feeling of loss and maybe heartache. But believe me, you are just 26. You are sure to find somebody better than him who will value you and your love.

People today are more understanding and I don' t think you will bring any shame to your family or disrespect to yourself by getting away from this shell of a marriage.

You are too young to be wasting your life like this.

About the questions that you have from him - I wouldn' t waste my time waiting for answers from him. What kind of a bull excuse is that \" we make a great couple and that is why we should not divorce\" ! You don' t love your wife, you don' t care about her, you don' t spend a single penny on her, you blame her for marrying you (when she married in good faith and you are the one who cheated her by marrying her knowing fully well that you will not behave as her husband)...I can go on and on about this \" husband\" of yours.

Go and talk to a lawyer. Get your life on track...why do you want to even stay with a guy who is so negative and has made you so negative about life? Marriage is 2 people pitching in. In this relationship, you are the only one trying to work on it. Your husband is not lifting even a finger.

Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. Sometimes we have to take a bitter medicine to get well. Think of getting away from this guy on those terms.

Good thing is that your parents and family support you. Your life did not start with this guy so why should it end?

Nobody can give you a guarantee that you will meet another man who will love you or whom you will learn to trust.

But I can definitely tell you this. If you keep hanging on to this man in the hope of him changing suddenly one day and realizing what a gem you are and how much of a clod he is being, you will never find out whether you stood a chance of ever finding happiness or not.

If I were you, I would take my chances and get out. Frankly I don' t think you even love this guy...you keep referring to him as your partner and not your husband...What you do have is the fear of being alone (which is totally understandable btw)...but as I said, you are still young and your whole life is ahead of you...think of the last few yrs as a learning experience...

take care and have courage...jo zindagi mein darta rahega wo kuch nahi kar payega..jo himmat rakhega, wahi aage jayega... Anas Mom replied. Hi Innocent Girl,

I too have pondered over this question whether to go for a divorce or to carry on with the situation so amny times. Its really difficult to pull on when the husband really does not behave like one.

It feels as if all our dreams and ideas of a married life have gone down the drain.

But then I too have thought of the same options... If I am marrying again does that make a differnce to my present situation. In that case too I will have to manage my life myself without someone to count on... atleast now one has the hope that somewhere the husband will realise what he is loosing and come back....

Srey replied. Wow, I can' t help it but too be digusted by his behavior.

You are so innocent. What the hell is wrong with him? *mad*

Anyway, since this is an arranged marriage. I guess, I can relate somewhat.

First 3 years are always hard. It' s sort of like a learning process, you know? From your post, you seemed to want to save this marriage. I don' t blame you. It take a strong women to be able to put up with all the heartache that he have caused you in the past.

Okay, lets move forward. If you are able to forgive him, please do. This will only help you in the long run. From now on, observe how he is treating you. By this, I mean....he is tending to your needs? When you leave, does he act concern and such.

Just see for yourself. And remember, a smart person like you will know what to do. Best of Luck.