Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi, I have been married for 4 years. I am in sanjose, Ca. I am working. I like my husband but
somehow we are not getting along very well..He puts lots of restrictions on me.. I can't even call
my parants, He does too much for his family..They also have some bad past experience(thats what I think)
so they are not nice to me.. When they come to my place My husband does not let them do anything(household work)
even if they come to our place for 6 months I have to treat them like a guest everyday.. They don't even touch
anything. And since I am working its getting too much for me.. and If I try to talk to my husband
about this he gets very upset and once they leave he stops eating my good saying I can relax now..
and also When I talk to him abt having our family he says ki I won't be able to do as much work as I
do now for his parents and his sisters and friends thats why he does not even want to have a baby..
I will be 30 years next year.. I am really worried about my future.. I have lots of other Financial
restrictions also. He is not nice to my family at all..Please advise me what should I do.. My parents
will support me fully if I walk out of the house.. But I don;'t have guts to do that..
Please advise.. Vishu replied. Hi,

I suggest you take professional help. Pl visit NDTV web site go to health section and post your question on Q& A section any problems will be answered by leading doctors from India and abroad. It is really good. It will help you. cheer up replied. Hi
Cheer up
remember you are not the only one with this kind of problem. I agree with shilpi. you can make it work and it won't happen in a day or two, it will take time. But there comes patience dear. Be patient.
Imagine, it took me more than 6 long years. Again, I do not think, my husband really loves my parents ( family), but he surely respects them. He doesn't buy gifts for my family but includes my family in all decisions he takes. And I just hate his family for all what they have done to me. I don't even have a single reason to even respect them, but still in touch with each one, phone them each weekend, send gifts to them ( though my husband still doesn't do all this for my family till today). But thats the only way if I can have some peace in life. Even my husband did not want kids, because for him, his nephews, neices were his own kids and he still spends lot of money on them. Today I have two wonderful kids and I am trying to keep some money for our family now. I too work , and no financial restrictions from my husband. We earn equally, but we spend more money on his family. But its ok with me. If we spend some money on his family, which makes him feel too good, then its a good deal. Atleast he won't create any tensions in our personal lives.
I stayed with in laws before coming to states and had worst time of my life. Felt like walking out of marriage, but each time that thought came to my mind, I thought of my family. They are so happy to see me settled in life and its the least we can do for them.

Hang on, it will take time. Piece of advice, and trust me , it works, talk to him when he is in his best mood, never elevate your volume, speak politely, tell something good about your family members, do not always criticize his family, do not compare your family with his. Because for husband his family is best. His mother is best mother in whole world, no matter how tough time she gives to daughter in laws.
Have faith in God and try to make it work.
Good luck shilpi replied. Try explaining to him that your parents are as important to you as his parents are to him. And ask him how he would feel if u neglected his parents like he neglects yours. And regarding starting your own family; did he ever tell you before you guys got married that he is not interested in extending ur family. If not then tell him that he is being very unfair to you. Tell him that his parents must be proud to have a son like him and that you want to feel the same pride in your son or daughter. Try telling him that when his parents need him today he is doing everything in his power to help them, maybe 30 yrs down the line, you guys might need somebody to tale care of you as well. How does he feel when he has children around him? what abt his sisters? don't they have kids?? don't his parents ask you guys to extend your family. If nothing else helps; try asking his parents to persuade him to have a child ! I am not sure if walking out is the best solution ! For one - if you leave him today because he is not ready to have ur child; what is the guarantee that tomorrow you will be able to get a husband who will be willing to have ur child ! I think all said and done - if he refuses to respect you and ur family and is not ready to have ur child; then I guess u could walk out of this marriage - but that should be last resort ! Mita replied. Its just sad to see that even if you are working & in a country like America, you are living such a life. I am also in CA very close to San Jose & I am working too. I think, ideally every man would want to break all the relations from his wife's family & serve just his parents. My husband also gave me the same impression but I never gave up. I worked hard to make him understand how I feel for my parents & that he should not restrict me. I don't think he is close to my parents (& neither am I to his) but he has sort of accepted some things. But I worked hard to get to this stage - had I given up & stopped explaining to him what I think, this would not have happened. So all I can suggest you is to try to make him understand. Believe me, if he loves you, he will understand. But the fact that he is not willing to have kids for his family is just too surprising. You should try to make him understand that one's spouse & one's own kids are the ones who should be the first & foremost priority for anyone.