Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi
I have sister-in-law problem. This is how it is. Mine was a love marriage (over 4 years now), both my husband and i are of the same age, and my SIL is 5 years elder to us. She was steady with a guy (around the time we were engaged), but somehow there was a rift between them and they split - the guy even got married to someone else some 3-4 years back. Though i told my husband enough number of times that we will stay away from her, he was adamant that he wants to stay with her, he wanted to be with her at least for 6 months to a year and then we will go our separate ways. We did stay with her, it took me quite a while over a year to realise that someone else is directing my life!!! My SIL is good to talk to (as in acquaintances) but when you get to know her well, you know she can get bitchy - she has a sassy tongue.

It has now been four years, and often i feel depressed and feel lonely. I feel bad that my husband cannot treat his married life and his wife as a different entity ! from his sister. You know, even i will want to go out with my husband - i am not saying almost every other day, but in four years there needs to be at least a dozen times (say thrice in a year) that we go out - just the two of us. But this never happens, she will come along with us wherever we go. She needs to understand that husband and wife need soem time together. But then there is no privacy, also because she is always there around us, i do not see the emotional strength of our marriage and i am hurt that my husband gives her priroity over me. If she does not have her way, she starts yelling - Why did you keep this here, why did you keep this open, why are you standing there - she even yells at our maids, the gardener, anyone... Each time i try talking to my husband that we need to have an independent life, we can still visit her as relatives do, but let us live away - he does not seem to understand. She is an educated, employed person and it is now her decision to lead the life of a spinster - but does that mean we have to live with her? I mean, he does say that i have been very adjusting and co-operative and take care of his family, but now that it is four years i want a break from all this - even i want to start our married life as i have dreamt, i want to build our own home... Each time his parents visit us, she has fights with them - so much that they cry saying to me that they dont feel like staying with us etc. They are worried so much for her future, and so are we but us living with her is not helping anyone.

The other dismal thing that i feel is this way, she will get from bad to worse and get frustrated and vent her irritation on all of us. I try making my husband understand that her staying alone will make her realise the improtance of a partner with whom she can share her feelings, lead a life of her own. You know we will still be there with her in emergencies, but she needs to set right her life. We have to make her face life sometime. But my husband does not seem to understand this. He says that she needs to be treated as a patient. But i feel depressed at times when things are just the way they were 4 years back.I feel i have lost my identity, how long can i think of keeping people happy. To me family means my husband and me and then the rest of our kith and kin, but to him it is different. I have tried my best to share things, feelings, dreams with her - but i realise that to her my feelings are not justified, my thinking is always wrong, my dreams are rubbish. For some reason, i feel she has a condescending attitude towards me. Can you please tell if i am wrong in thinking that i want to lead an independent life away from her? How can i make my husband understand that it is okay if we live away from her? He agrees with me that she is behaving like a shrew but will continue enduring her behaviour and wants me to do the same.

Please help. Swati replied. Hey !

C'mon...you dont have to be sooo deppressed....its very fair on ur part to think that you need a separate and independant married life. what i would suggest you is if talking to ur husband is not helping then why dont u take it to ur SIL itself. try and make her undertand that a married couple neeeds some privacy and her accompanying u to all places is disturbing it...tell her calmly so that she will understand. I am not sure how ur relation with her is..do u guys have fights ? and if yes, then whom does ur husband support ...if he;s fair enuff in blaming the person who did the mistake then its ok else if he blindly supports ur SIL then its a problem...
u need to takle this very smartly...how old is ur SIL ??? u know what u r right in saying that if she lives alone then she will realise the need for a partner...but u can make her realise even in ur own house....if u and ur husband show intimacy in front of her....i mean decently...and make her feel that married life can be exciting and fun , then also she will realise it..don;t tell this to ur husband...he'll have a soft corner for his sis so he'd think that it mite hurt her and won't do it...its basicallly for her own good....everybody needs to live an independant life...
Don't be deppressed.....and cheer up !
where do u live ? if u r in US...we can be friends
a replied. There is absolutely nothing wrong in your thinking. If your husband thinks that his sister is a patient and should be given extra care, he will finally land up with two patients, the other one being you. If you drag your life being depressed all along then one day you will need treatment. Somehow try and get out.