Dear Friends,
I was married at the age of 23 years & I was extremely innocent in the sense, I would consider everyone to be very good & friendly. When my husband came to see me for the 1st time, he told me that his FIL has taken care of him & his sisterfrom the age of 9 (when he lsot his mother) & that he has a very nice nature & is innocent & hence, he wants someone who would attend to his father (then 69). I also felt sympathy & since my husband was good, we married. Before marriage, my FIL wuold say do everything as you both please. After hte marriage things changed. He wanted everyoneto listen to him, everything to be done the way he wanted...He would supervise me in the kitchen..He would compel me to keep flowers which i hate coz i am allergic to them...he wd compel that i should have a nosering (we being southindians) which i hate. when my husband is ok with me wht the hell has he got to do with mehaving a nosering or not having one....moreover, after 2 months of marriange we discovered that he was a cancer patient since 2 years which was not told to us by him. Irrespective of this, I served him somuch that i used to give him bath in the hospital, me & my husband have spent almost 7 days in the hospital living with him & taking care of him. I used to fee dhim like a small child with my hadns after coming back from work in the hospital. My parents used to travel 2 hours after finishing all work at home for my grandparents who stayed with them & come to hospital to enable us to go to office. All day my parents used to take care of him like their own father & after we come back we used to. Now, after all this he says that my parents are not giving him the respect that he deserves. And he said this when I was 2 months pregnant & my husband did not even open his mouth. My husband did agree that he was wrong but did not have guts to open his mouth. When i was unwell & had to leave job for 3 months for health reasons, he has not even let me live peacefully for a single day. After marriage, I used to wake up at 4:30 am every day cook lunch forhim, cook for dabba, & he used to tell me make dal separately (for my SIL's daughter). I was working then I used to reach home only at 10:00 in the night & sleep at 1:30 am after winding up work. My SIL is a housewife & used to stay just in the next building she is 3 1/2 years elder to me & has a 10 yr. old child (then 6 yr. old). She would wake up at 12 noon & would not bother to cook at home neither for her husband nor for her dayghter instead my FIL would advise her to have lunch & dinner at our place. She would not do any work. Only watch TV the whole day. My FIL & SIL would also send her daughter to sleep with us. We were newly married & we would have to sleep with their daughter in between us & my husband would not open his mouth with the fear that they would feel bad if he would say something. I was new & i did not have the guts to open my mouth. Iw as so fedup with him staying at home that I opted to work (also due to financial problems)inspite of being sick & hence we decided ot keep a cook at home. This lady was known to me & my family since 20 years & is a very nice lady of the same caste. She has no children & husband lost job & they had tremendous problem. hence, we decided to keep her. My FIL would create problem everyday & fight with her & everyday after we would be back from work we would have to listen to his complaints till we wuld sleep. One day he asked her to make something when she was just leaving in the mroning & she refused to do it as she had some urgent personal work to attend to that day. He complained to me about it in the evening in the presence of my husband & asked me to fight with the lady next day. the next day i politely asked her what had happened & she said she did not mean to hurt him in any way. However, my FIL in the evening made an issue of this whole thing & told me that I should have shouted at her & questionedher as to why she did not make something that my FIL wanted. I told him that I will not be able to do this as she is elderly & we know her for years & hence, cannot be rude to her & that she did not mean to hurt him in return, he said you need only her so from today IAM NOT YOUR FIL & YOU ARE NOT MY DIL. He told this 3 times that day & my husband was quiet . He did not even ask his father why he was being so rude to me & when he wanted to be taken care of he took advantage of me & my parents & after everything he kicked our ass... sorry for the bad language. I HATE MY HUSBAND & WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR THIS. When ever he used to hurt me, i used to tell my husband but he would give me a deaf ear. We did not have a child then but now we have a child & now all of a sudden my FIL Is acting veyr nice to me. It means if i wuold not have a child, he would stil hve been rude to me & now since i have one, he is being nice to me. I have lost all the rspect that i had for him. I HATE HIM & WHENEVER I SEE HIM, I RECOLLECT ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED. Things are so nice when he is not around & when he is at home, i get restless i get tensed & i stay in the fear that abhi kya naya tension dega??!! His thinking is very backward while my parents are forwards & they believe in letting one live the way he/she wants to. But its the other way roudn here. I dont want my daughter to be like that way i want to give her full libertly im worried about her. all the time, he wathces only SUN TV & JAYA TV tamil channels showing al lthat crap. i want my child to see discovery, cartoon, anilmal planet etc. wchih is not possible here. I dont hve peace of mind as i know my husband will not open his mouth ever....i do not have his support & mentally im depressed... please help.. please advise what to do.....
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Dear Friends,
I was married at the age of 23 years & I was extremely innocent in the sense, I would consider everyone to be very good & friendly. When my husband came to see me for the 1st time, he told me that his FIL has taken care of him & his sisterfrom the age of 9 (when he lsot his mother) & that he has a very nice nature & is innocent & hence, he wants someone who would attend to his father (then 69). I also felt sympathy & since my husband was good, we married. Before marriage, my FIL wuold say do everything as you both please. After hte marriage things changed. He wanted everyoneto listen to him, everything to be done the way he wanted...He would supervise me in the kitchen..He would compel me to keep flowers which i hate coz i am allergic to them...he wd compel that i should have a nosering (we being southindians) which i hate. when my husband is ok with me wht the hell has he got to do with mehaving a nosering or not having one....moreover, after 2 months of marriange we discovered that he was a cancer patient since 2 years which was not told to us by him. Irrespective of this, I served him somuch that i used to give him bath in the hospital, me & my husband have spent almost 7 days in the hospital living with him & taking care of him. I used to fee dhim like a small child with my hadns after coming back from work in the hospital. My parents used to travel 2 hours after finishing all work at home for my grandparents who stayed with them & come to hospital to enable us to go to office. All day my parents used to take care of him like their own father & after we come back we used to. Now, after all this he says that my parents are not giving him the respect that he deserves. And he said this when I was 2 months pregnant & my husband did not even open his mouth. My husband did agree that he was wrong but did not have guts to open his mouth. When i was unwell & had to leave job for 3 months for health reasons, he has not even let me live peacefully for a single day. After marriage, I used to wake up at 4:30 am every day cook lunch forhim, cook for dabba, & he used to tell me make dal separately (for my SIL's daughter). I was working then I used to reach home only at 10:00 in the night & sleep at 1:30 am after winding up work. My SIL is a housewife & used to stay just in the next building she is 3 1/2 years elder to me & has a 10 yr. old child (then 6 yr. old). She would wake up at 12 noon & would not bother to cook at home neither for her husband nor for her dayghter instead my FIL would advise her to have lunch & dinner at our place. She would not do any work. Only watch TV the whole day. My FIL & SIL would also send her daughter to sleep with us. We were newly married & we would have to sleep with their daughter in between us & my husband would not open his mouth with the fear that they would feel bad if he would say something. I was new & i did not have the guts to open my mouth. Iw as so fedup with him staying at home that I opted to work (also due to financial problems)inspite of being sick & hence we decided ot keep a cook at home. This lady was known to me & my family since 20 years & is a very nice lady of the same caste. She has no children & husband lost job & they had tremendous problem. hence, we decided to keep her. My FIL would create problem everyday & fight with her & everyday after we would be back from work we would have to listen to his complaints till we wuld sleep. One day he asked her to make something when she was just leaving in the mroning & she refused to do it as she had some urgent personal work to attend to that day. He complained to me about it in the evening in the presence of my husband & asked me to fight with the lady next day. the next day i politely asked her what had happened & she said she did not mean to hurt him in any way. However, my FIL in the evening made an issue of this whole thing & told me that I should have shouted at her & questionedher as to why she did not make something that my FIL wanted. I told him that I will not be able to do this as she is elderly & we know her for years & hence, cannot be rude to her & that she did not mean to hurt him in return, he said you need only her so from today IAM NOT YOUR FIL & YOU ARE NOT MY DIL. He told this 3 times that day & my husband was quiet . He did not even ask his father why he was being so rude to me & when he wanted to be taken care of he took advantage of me & my parents & after everything he kicked our ass... sorry for the bad language. I HATE MY HUSBAND & WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR THIS. When ever he used to hurt me, i used to tell my husband but he would give me a deaf ear. We did not have a child then but now we have a child & now all of a sudden my FIL Is acting veyr nice to me. It means if i wuold not have a child, he would stil hve been rude to me & now since i have one, he is being nice to me. I have lost all the rspect that i had for him. I HATE HIM & WHENEVER I SEE HIM, I RECOLLECT ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED. Things are so nice when he is not around & when he is at home, i get restless i get tensed & i stay in the fear that abhi kya naya tension dega??!! His thinking is very backward while my parents are forwards & they believe in letting one live the way he/she wants to. But its the other way roudn here. I dont want my daughter to be like that way i want to give her full libertly im worried about her. all the time, he wathces only SUN TV & JAYA TV tamil channels showing al lthat crap. i want my child to see discovery, cartoon, anilmal planet etc. wchih is not possible here. I dont hve peace of mind as i know my husband will not open his mouth ever....i do not have his support & mentally im depressed... please help.. please advise what to do.....
anika replied. Dear J,
Here is some thing that i have noticed in life...when people are insecure they do and say things to make themselves have the upper hand. In your case, your FIL tends to do that. Sometimes as people get old, they get more juvenile..trust me my FIL is the same way. Infact i'm online today as i am too wound up by something he said today. Anyway, what i'm trying to say is, just listen from one ear and take ot out from the other. It's too late to change him. If he is behaving fine right now...relax and enjoy today. I know it is hard, specially when one has all that pent up anger and frustration. I'm not saying make him your next best friend...but let bygone be bygones and get some peace for yourself..just thinking of all this over and over is just making u depressed. It's not affecting him. So think of all his actions in the past as immature and that of an unsecure person and try to get back to normal.
As for your hubby's behaviour...one thing u must admit...a person has more tolerence for their own parent and know how best to deal with them. I think just as a matter of habit, u'r husband might not want to confront his dad. He thinks let him vent..and we move on. Maybe he feels that saying something to his dad makes him disrespectful to him. It might be easier for him to talk to u and ask you to over look things. Either ways..if he supports u behind closed doors, that's always a start. I know it hurts when husbands don't say anything to defend you, but sometimes their emotions r torn too...put down u'r father by siding with your wife or make your wife feel more horrible by agreeing with u'r father...instead just stay quite.
I wish u all the best.
2004-10-10
#1
Name: anika Subject: hi
Dear J,
Here is some thing that i have noticed in life...when people are insecure they do and say things to make themselves have the upper hand. In your case, your FIL tends to do that. Sometimes as people get old, they get more juvenile..trust me my FIL is the same way. Infact i'm online today as i am too wound up by something he said today. Anyway, what i'm trying to say is, just listen from one ear and take ot out from the other. It's too late to change him. If he is behaving fine right now...relax and enjoy today. I know it is hard, specially when one has all that pent up anger and frustration. I'm not saying make him your next best friend...but let bygone be bygones and get some peace for yourself..just thinking of all this over and over is just making u depressed. It's not affecting him. So think of all his actions in the past as immature and that of an unsecure person and try to get back to normal.
As for your hubby's behaviour...one thing u must admit...a person has more tolerence for their own parent and know how best to deal with them. I think just as a matter of habit, u'r husband might not want to confront his dad. He thinks let him vent..and we move on. Maybe he feels that saying something to his dad makes him disrespectful to him. It might be easier for him to talk to u and ask you to over look things. Either ways..if he supports u behind closed doors, that's always a start. I know it hurts when husbands don't say anything to defend you, but sometimes their emotions r torn too...put down u'r father by siding with your wife or make your wife feel more horrible by agreeing with u'r father...instead just stay quite.
I wish u all the best.
2004-10-11
#2
Name: Jyothi Subject: Bad FIL
Hi Anika!
Thank you for your advise.
There is a lot of difference in being juvenile & secure. When someone is insecure, you do understand by the way he talks but my FILs behaviour was very different. At the same time & the same day, his tone of talking would be very polite & soft with his daughter/my husband on one side & with me on the other side, it would be rude. If the person is insecure, the tone of speech should be the same when talking to all at the same time but here, it would vary with people. Hence, this is not the case of insecurity but overconfidence & certainty that his son will not question him on anything he does no matter what and this he would use by threatning him everytime he feels my husband is about to tell him something. What I do not like in him is, one should not take advantage of a person just because he/she is quiet & has nothing to say. If his blood is blood, so is mine & so is my husband's & not water. Today if I have lied on something & tomorrow I realise that I have then I would rather remain silent & be shameless by OVER REACTING. It is not that we could not have kids but we were planning for 2 1/2 years due to financial problems caused by his hospitalisation. We have like spent more than 2.5 lakhs for his treatment & we still owe some money to our parents and inspite of knowing these facts, he's been behaving so miserably. How can one forget all this. I mean I am sorry to say this but he is the most shameless specimen that I have ever come across on earth. In life, if you need respect, you must know how to respect other, first you need to seek to understand & then to be understood. But here, the principles are.....all follow only my wish , my will.
If I would be in his place, if I am old, I would walk in hand with the present generation especially if dependant on them and let them live the way they would want to provided I am not bothered by them. As per him, he wants to see the grand child soon but what my argument is that if you are fated to live for 75 years & 2 months, you will live not one min more & not one min less. If a person is fated to die and wants to see the grandchild before he dies and hence wants his daughter in law to be pregnant, he can even die the very next day when the DIL is confirmed pregnant then, whats the deal about this whole thing. However, as you said hear from one ear & let go from the other, its easier said than done especially for a person who has been hearing & only hearing for the past 4 years now. I also agree that there is no other option so I think I better learn to live with it.
Thanks & wish you all the best too. If you want to open up your problems, please remember, you have a friend here who will listen to you.
Good Luck & Luv,
J
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