Hi Everyone,

It's sad to know that you have lived through the pain of miscarriage or stillbirth but I hope that each of you are slowly coming to terms with your loss and finding small joys hidden inside your personal experiences. Every day I try to tell myself something that is positive about what we've been through. It might be that we've grown closer as a family, that I am stronger as a person, that our baby was just too special to stay for long... Or my personal favourite: All Ishani ever knew was love, her life was one big hug because she lived and died cradled inside the one who truly loved her most. ME!

Next thursday will be the 1st birthday of our little lost Angel and I have been thinking of ways to celebrate Ishani's birthday. I was wondering if any one else here celebrates their baby's birthday and what you did to mark the occasion.

Because Ishani shares a birthday with my son Sid (he'll be 9 this year) I am torn because its going to be a both sad & happy. I've been told that the first birthday is the hardest and I have noticed that I am feeling worse, crying more than ever and really missing my baby as the day draws closer. Did anyone else feel this way when they reached this milestone?

Also I am very nervous about having to do Shraad (I am not sure if that is the correct spelling). To be honest I have never set foot inside a temple and I have no idea what is expected of me, what I should or shouldn't do and if it is even appropriate for me to be there when my hubby does this.

I was tempted to just not go and allow my hubby the chance to do this alone but that doesn't feel right. Where we live (Brisbane) there was no Pundit/Pandit who could perform her funeral (I don't exactly know why but it seems no one was 'trained' for such things locally) and we would have had to travel to Sydney or Melbourne with Ishani to have a proper Hindu service. Being a Christian I wanted a full Christian funeral also and because we were not able to provide the Hindu side of things fully we went with something non-denominational with both Hindu & Christian elements as a compromise.

Ishani was blessed by a Catholic priest and given something similar to a baptism. It seems that church doctrine does not allow for a proper baptism, its unnecessary because the baby is born with out any sin having passed away before being born. I never liked the Christian attitude that we were born into sin anyway! And Abhi went to temple for her several times but I never went. I just wasn't up to it... But because we've been able to meet our Christian obligations it is imporant to me to do Shraad properly. The last thing I want to do is something wrong so if anyone can advise me about this I would REALLY appreciate it.

So! Any birthday ideas? I have decided to have an alfresco dinner by candle light in our memory garden, which we will be offically 'un-veiling' as part of the celebrations. As part of my way of dealing I have spent the past few months landscaping an area of our yard creating our memory garden. It's a place where we can sit and remember her and part of her lives in every tree, shrub and flower we've planted.

I thought long and hard on a theme for the memory garden. Rosemary often associated with rememberance, it has purple flowers so we looked for other plants to match in. I've always loved the Brunfelsia otherwise known as the Yesterday/Today & Tommorow. It has these gorgeous blossoms that begin as purple and fade through to lilac and then white so you get thise lovely tricoloured masses of flowers... I was reminded of the saying \";I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow\"; and viola we had our theme and it totally represents how I feel about Ishani. I don't know why I am posting this, I guess I just felt I needed to share... Much love and hugs to everyone and thanks in advance to anyone who can help me with regards to Shraad. sudha replied. dear radha,
thanks to every one who is supporting me ..... i was so scared of the loss and the pain of the birth process i dreaded the thought of trying again but as my husband said i should think positive and i think i am thinking positive and wouls surely like to concieve again and this time have a full term baby
we lost the baby totaly due to negligence of the doctor and we were very bitter on the dr. but now i have forgiven him because i feel when we are starting things afresh there should be no negative feeling .
may god give us the strength
sudha sudha replied. Dear radha,
i really donot have words i too lost my first child on 4th nov before it was born ........ ia also went through the same pains and agony of a child birth but with no reward my daughter rishona is in her grave at peace i didnot see her but my inlaws and husband saw her they say she was beautiful . may god rest her soul .
though i am no one to comment there is no shraad for an unbirn child but yes what you can do is support a needy child who will bless your ishani
god bless you you radha rr replied. I just read your message and it has brought tears to my eyes. I am currently carrying my second baby and can just feel all your emotions as a mom who has carried the baby for 9 months hoping to get the wonderful feeling of holding them close to you.

I can truly feel the pain of a mom in your message. I live in Australia too and shudder to think that there are not properly trained people to handle situations like this.

I am a hindu and as far as I know, there is no shraddh for babies. Shraddh is typically carried out for people who have lived their lives on earth and are now in another world. For a baby who has died within the womb, I would think that the atma has gone back to the world of bliss and is not in need of anything.

I am not an authority on this though. I can suggest you to do something for a needy child and that would be a good way to remember your own.

Your idea of a memory garden is wonderful.

I hope to God that he gives you the strength to go through this phase.

rr