Relationships  Discussion Forum

Last year when my father was diagnosed with terminal stage of liver cancer, his last wish was to see my only brother get married and under the circumstances I did my best so that this new person who is comming into the family at this sad time should not feel that she landed in unwelcome situation. But what ever we did was never enough for her family. We did not have any demands from our side but they wanted every thing for their daughter and forgot that it was a family that was struggling with impending loss of a family member.
Somehow the wedding happened and the new bride now starts making comments and starts treating my parents as though if she touched them or even their clothes, she would get the cancer.
2 months after their marriage, my father when passed away and she was at her brother's wedding, her family knew about this and no one comes to our house from their side till the next day. My father, who loved me to death and would have loved her more than me died sad about his choice of my brother's wife and with hopes that one day she would change for better.
Things have changed but only for worse, my poor mother who grieves bitterly for my father and also runs a small home based buisness has never heard a word of sympathy from this girl and her family. At this time things are so bad that she never cooks what my brother asks her- even simple things like custard, if a visitor comes they get the worst welcome, she sleeps most of the day, jacks up the phone bills by calling her family and when ever just picks up the bags and goes to her parents( who live an hour away in same city. Amazingly her family keeps misguiding her despite the fact that they cannot support her if she were to get a divorce nor does she have any qualification to live a decent life.
I don't know what hurt me the most my father dying with regrets of this person comming to our family or that my own brother who was such a happy person, has lost all his desires and feels that there is nothing to live for, or my mother who at such a turn of her life has become so lonely suddenly or me who has to see everyone go though so much pain and cannot do anything to make it stop.
My question is what can I do to make this girl realize that now she has a family of her own and if she makes them feel that she loves them and cares for them then she will have so much love that she would not what to do with it. How can I tell her that what her mother and her sisters are teaching her will one day destroy her and once she looses this family her briges to our doors will be burnt forever.
123 replied. The person named question is so rude and insensitive. Instead of giving some comfort or advice you are accusing her of knowing too much about here Ssi in law.
This board is now full of those DILs who can not see that a DIL can be triuble. For them its always Inlaws who are bad... question replied. Can you please clarify some of these questions?

1. Did your brother confide in you that he is not happy with his wife or marriage or is it ur mother's version of her DIL.
2. Do you live in the same house as your brother and mother? You seem to know all whereabouts about your sisterinlaw. Because honestly i don't know what is happening in my sis-in-laws life nor does she know what's going on with me.
3. This question is very sensitive. Has your relationship with your brother changed after he married this girl. Do you feel insecure that she has taken him away from you all.
4. What is it exactly thatyou want your sisinlaw to do?I want to know your version of how she should take care of her family. You seem to know well how to do that.
I have relatives where i have openly seen them wish that their sons could have got a better wife. But in those times i often wondered if son also wished the same. Because as far i know the sons and DILS have a great marriage together. They are all very happy to this day. So the thing that gets to me is that why worry about something that does not concern you. All are mature adults here. What do you gain by interfering in somebody elses(be it your brother or sister) life.

Don't get worked up with these problems. This is not your problem and none of your business. Let your bother and sis-in-law work at it. For all know Things may just work out well between them. JUST GIVE THEM ENOUGH SPACE(emotionally). th replied. I am sorry to hear about your loss and the tough times you have been facing. Your SIL needs to learn a lot, but a high-handed atitude will not help. She prolly does not have good role-models on how to be a good wife etc. A best option is to go send your brother and her on a holiday. I bet they did not go on a honeymoon and a nice romantic holiday might be a good idea. That might help both of them bond. She probably has not developed feelings for your brother and thus feels that alienated. It might be harder for her, since she seems to be so immature. Also I am aghast at some people who think asking their wofe to make 'custard' is trating her unfairly. You spuse is the the only person whom you can take for granted in your adult life. These are such small things. She needs to realize what marraige really means. Maybe you can invite her to stay with you and your husband, that she might realize how a good marraige truly functions. Monika replied. I am happy you brought up these issues and I must let you know that she and her family had known us for over a year.
Yes, she is educated but may be you should think about brain washing from her mom can be a possibility(hence immaturity or stupidity).
I agree with you, we women want equal rights and treatment from men and expect that they should be sharing part of our responsibilities in home but you can ONLY make those claims if you are neck in neck with them and contibuting as much if not equal in working with them, not when you have a maid doing all the cleaning and you are napping 4 hrs a day and when you are not even lifting finger for helping your spouse even when you could and which would make his burden less and you do not have to go out of your way to do it.
If I was aware of the my to be husband's family's stressful situation and if I still agreed to marry my husband, I think I would not look at it as all my dreams are shattered I would take it as my own choice and would try to make my self a part of the family and try to share some of the pain. Don't you make a better friend if you stood by someone in their sorrow and lent them your shoulder to cry on. I think it is basic human virtue that would make even the strangers your closest friend and I know it from my daily life I happen to be an intensivist and I lend my shoulder to the grieving families of my patients every day and they remmember me not because I was their physician but because I was there as a human for them. If you say this is happy once in a life time phase for her so is it for my brother just because he is a man do not make him some one who should be unhappy to keep her happy and yet should it not be her perogative to share his happinesses and sorrows for now they are one unit? Some times you have to give something to get something and I tried to forgive her too may times, as I write every time my mind gets clearer because I am able to analyse the situation better. Some times we make mistakes in a rush and I was afraid I was going to do that in telling my brother, who till now I have tried to passify along with my mother, what to do in this matter but I guess sometimes we women do the \";Kalidas\"; to ourselves too.
I thank you \";Advice\"; for your input and look forward to hearing from you in this matter for so far only you have challanged me to think about things that I may have over looked.
Monika Advice! replied. Step back a little.

First of all gone are the days one should expect the whole world to turn around, especially a new member in the family under such circumstances. This can only happen when 2 families are close and the girl already knows the family. It is only then that she will really feel something deep about the whole situation.

It is wrong for her to treat the in-laws especially with regards to touching them. Is she educated or not?

When your SIL went for her brothers wedding, it is her duty to come back immediately. However REMEMBER it is not her parents responsibility especially if it is the wedding day. If it is previous day or afterwards then yes they have to come too.

You said she never cooks and all that. Your brother should find out what she wants from the marriage and also where the boundaries are. In today's day and age, women aren't the only ones who are supposed to cook and clean. And don't give me this bullshit about ur brother wanting to eat \";CUSTARD\"; during testing times!! He can make it himself. If it is simple basic food then its fine but demanding fancy things -- he is a fool!

One thing you fail to understand is that your SIL still accepted ur family condition and got married. It is supposed to be a happy once-in-a-lifetime phase for her. ALthough she may respect her in-laws and all she still resents the fact that her immediate period after marriage was not a happy one! Her dreams were actually speaking broken.

Your SIL has a new family and she needs to respond. From your side, give her plenty of love because you owe it to her, she married ur brother knowing the tough times in the family. She will respond in turn.
``` replied. First talk with your sister-in-law and try to find out why she is behaving that way.

If things are really not working out and your brother is also unhappy, divorce may be one option. I know it may look like a drastic step especially in Indian society, but I feel there is no point in worring abt what the society will think and go on living unhappily. Things will get more and more difficult, once they have kids and then divorce may be a lot complicated. I know my cousin who has a rude and dominating wife but he continues to live unhappily because they have kids. If he would have divorced her before having kids, may be the society would have labeled him as a divorcee but he would still have peace in his life.


Of course I don't know all the details of your situation. Whatever you decide, GIVE IT A LOT OF THOUGHT.
Zena replied. Hi Monika,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and the troubles you are going through at the moment.
Firstly, you need to take care of yourself and find a way to deal with your loss. Its a huge loss but you have to fist be fit emotionally and try to think of only the positive. Think of how much your dad loved you and the good times you shared as a family. Try to console yourself by thinking about all the good things that you did with your dad as a child and I knwo that you have been a good daughter to your parents so don't think that any of this is your fault.
Secondly, concentrate on your mom as she needs you at this time of need. She must be feeling very lonely and you are the best person to help her in such trying times. Try to be by her side as much as possible and tell her to stand up for helself and help herself as no one can help her most other than herself. She has to stand up for herlself against her DIL.
Thirdly, have a talk with your brother. Seems like he is younger to you so he will listen to you. You have to make him understand that he has to have a talk with his wife and make her understand her duties towards the family. Whathas been done is done and rememeber everything happens for a reason and although the only it can be changed is by a divorce. If your brother feels that this is not an option or that his wife will not give him a divource or that he does love her, then he needs to talkto her on a one-on -ne basis. He needs to talk to her when she is away from her family.

Try and do these things in the order I mentioned. Take care of yourself and do not worry a lot.