Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,

I am reading these message board almost every day and today I need a help.

I am married with a kid of 2 years and ours was love marriage after 4+ years of affair , my in laws were not in favour of this marriage but my husband fought for the same and we got married.

I got pregnant after 7 months of our marriage and due my bad health we shifted to my flat as my in laws were not able to support me and were treating me badly. At my flat as it was purchased by me before marriage and where all my friends used to saty with me. When we shifted my best friends sis was staying who is around 25 years and was not having any support by any means from anyone and also was not having job. I was supporting her in each and everyway.

I dont know how the story started but when I went to my parents place they started sleeping with each other eventhough my husband shifted back to his parents place after me going to my parents place.

When I returend back I saw a complete different husband of mine who was not at all bothered about my pains , problems and fears. Eventhough I told him my gut feeling that he is having an affair with that girl he said I am mad and can think whatever I want to but I love him so much that I always believed whatever he said.

after a year he went out of country but they were in touch , my husband used to send her romantic mails and she was also doign the same on the other hand no mails for me except few works like his bills and other family affairs. I have tried done all duties as Wife , Bahu and mother [ I hope ] which all of them also say and praise but still no place for me in the family.

And now my hubby a month before told me about his relationship with her ... he feels that she loves him and he is having a habit [ aadat ] of that body to have sex and so he was unable to love me from past more than 2 years. But he sayd he loves and he brought me with him to abroad. The day he brought me he sent a mail to her saying he cannot stay without her ... he mentioned that I am giving troubles. I would like to mention that as wife and friend I wanted to help him to comeout of the situation and so didnt reacted at all on the situation but last week also I caught him red handed sending that female males and she sending sms ... He says he is not well mentally and so need help and he will come out of it he loves me and my daughter and dont want to give up on this but I am not sure now.

Pl suggest what shoule me and my daughter do. I left my Job and everything for him to come with him and he ditched me. He told me all his sexual relation to her and still he gets annoyed with me if she sends any message to him.

pl help , i am nowhere with my child waiting for her father to look at her , i have lost my husband but really wouldlike my daughters father to be there.

pl help nan replied. I was the victim of my best friend. My Best friend and my hubby was having affair. She wanted to find job abroad so she came to my house and within a month it all started. ABC replied. Hi Nids,

I am sorry to read your post...I have been regularly reading messages board .

Well, this is something you have to handle to save your family . I being psychologist have handled such cases in the past. I agree with all the suggestions given by other members. Only thing which I want to add is , your hubby will try and connect other female even though his conscious mind is not allowing him but his unconscious mind will take over his conscious mind. It will be other way round also,that female will also see all opportunity to get in touch with your hubby .We have observe this in many cases.It is a pure case of ' Getting use to something' ....also remember your hubby will try and hide certain thinks from you . He will try and talk about that female just keep avoiding that.Divert his mind.He will do certain things which will create lot doubts in your minds.....

These are all short term relations with very bad and stinking end for both the parties......if your honest intention is to save your marriage than keep patience. I know you are human being and you also have certain limitations but its all up to you now.......I wish you all the best....I am certain that this phase will go soon from your life ... take care...

Kiran : Appreciate your efforts and courage to put everything in writing and helping others.... keep the good work !!!! dia replied. Dear Nids,
Really its tough job for u to tackle with present situations.But Pl dont loose faith in ur luck. One day U' ll get ur hubby back to u. All he need is time to come out of her memories. Give him time as he asked for it.
In the mean time, U just spend time with cheerful face all the time he stay home and Play with ur girl verymuch that both of ur affection makes him to feel like joining u...Oneday he' ll start joining with both of u for having fun. I know u did ur best and Ur peoblem is not that serious that u can leave him. So just wait for him. Dont loose ur smiley face....
The only thing u can do is appearing pleasant .Do his fav dishes , Dress up baby in b' tiful dresses and make sure u both have neat appearance.
When he sits on computer with a sad face, I know how it hurts even in general situations...But try to go that room and switch off computer and ask him whether u all can go some place instead, because baby feeling bored in home. Probably he might be feeling guilty(I pray god, it shd be correct reason for his sad face) And might need initiative from u!
So just think positive though ur mind says he is waiting a call/message from her.
If u find any message from her, just casually take the cell and delete thta message and tell ur hubby \" I' m here to help u to comeout of her memories ,Dont worry! \" ! I know this suggestion is tough to do in practical. And always, Its easier saying than Done. But it might work out ,dear! becasue he is willing to be with u both and not planning to fly with her.

When this time, he says, he is trying to forget her, ask him his PassWord and tell him that u' ll chaeck his mails frequently and if u find anything unread , just delete it. Just tell him u r doing it for him not only for u.

Dear Nids, Just try taking initiative to be close to him. Dont urself pull away from him when he is in bad mood. It makes him remember her again...SO appear cheerful! Have some pleasant trips in USA for every loong weekend. Spending together outside makes ur bond more stronger!... Definitely u' ll become together again.

All the best.
replied. just read your problem, surprisingly my very close friend has gone through similar situation sometime back and I was the common friend who supported that family ...... This can happen to anyone....and it does happen , only few admits and disclose..........

I FULLY AGREE WITH KIRAN , I HOPE HIS ADVICE WORKS.... it all depends on you now. Don' t leave him in lurch .Initially, It will be very difficult for your husband to forget that female ( if he really wants to and loves you ) since such relations are more based on body needs and it will go with the time....

There is no point looking for separation.... your hubby need support . At the same time your daughter needs Father and Mother together. Also remember don' t sit at home and leave job for him . Try to be independent and make your daughter independent... you can spend time with your husband now till the time he is fully out of that female/problem and can go back to India after some time and look for a job.

mens are really vulnerable and easy to melt. All the best .... take care ...... kiran replied. I really admire you for being understanding and calm when all this has been going on for such a long time. It doesnt seem you want to separate as you have mentioned you want a father for your kid. So I guess what you want is a soltuion to end their relationship.

I know its a bad idea to say this at this time, but I am surprised how did you allow a young female to stay in your house. Anyways.

From the way this female sends SMS to your hubby, it seems she has captured him emotionally and physically.

To separate this woman from his life you have to do 2 things - separate her from his life and replace that with you.

You might say you have lost interest and you are hurt, but you have to win his heart for your kid' s sake. You have to make him come back to you. and believe me, this is possible, though may be difficult.

So first of all, start being nice to hubby, caring and no nagging at all. Be good, but be a woman of few words. Do ur job and get back to ur work.
You have to show him that you love him more than anything in this world, but also show that you can do without him. Show him it doesnt matter to you much if he doesnt may imp to you.
The trick is, if you pull away urself, he will be pulled to u.
Maintain balance in all, dont overdo.

Dont raise that female' s topic, but if it gets raised, say things like these-
say you still love him as he is, and you want him to come back to you. Make him emotional about his daughter by talking general (remember blood pulls blood). Tell him to leave her and say u r waiting for him.

Never ever say that he did a mistake and u r forgiving him. Men are egoist and esp in this matter, take care of his ego.

Try and involve him with ur daughter whenever he is around. For eg, send her to him with her dress and ask her to ask daddy to make her wear ... ask her to ask daddy to brush her teeth, ask her to ask daddy to take her to an icecream or swimming.

Accompany them always and be goody-goody but few words.

Read or watch books on sex and try to improve ur skills. Remember that in this game, she is an old player now and you are new to him. If its a positive change, that man will surely welcome and get attracted to u. Dont ask him for sex, but if he ever asks, impress him. Dont overdo. Initial times he may go back half way remembering abt her, be cool and supportive.

Be presentable whenever he is home. If u r fat, lost weight and try to be attractive.

Start inviting guests on weekends for lunch/dinner or some occassions. The idea is to keep hubby at home and divert his mind. I know i am asking for extra work for u, but do if this is possible. If guests are his relatives, he has to attend them. Try and invite in such a way that it doesnt seem a deliberate invitiation, show as if it came out thru talks.

What does his like? What are his hobbies? Does he like to eat food? then cook his fav food. He likes neat house and flowers? do that.

Thus, we now know what needs to be done to replace u.

But before that, we need to get her out.

I want to suggest you to talk to that lady once, nicely and coolly. Talk to her and request her to go away. Talk about ur kid and tell her that she is snatching a father from a kid which is a big sin.
Now, a word of caution. I dont know if this should be really done. This depends on what type of person she is, and what type of person ur hubby is. She wd surely tell ur hubby that u talked to her, and if that triggers ur hubby to get furious and pack bag and get out of house, dont do that. If it wd create a scene in ur house, dont do that.

Another idea. Is there a common mature friend? Did hubby and that go out together? If yes, then you can ask the common friend for help and this friend can talk to the female. If hubby asks how did friend come to know? u can say he saw u somewhere. Be careful, a small miscalculation can ruin ur life.

I wanteed the talking to be done to that female only to build pressure on her. But if direct talking is not a good ldea, lets see other ways.

One way I see to end this relationship is informing some authority on the female' s side who can stop her. Like, her sis who is your best friend, or her parents. I wd suggest you to do this NOT yourself. How open is ur hubby' s relationship? If u send an anonymous letter to her sis or parents, do u hv a place to say u dint do that, someone else must hv done that? Just inform them in some way. But make sure that as a result ur hubby doesnt leave u.

Where does that female work? Is it possible to spread the news in her office that she is having an affair with a married man? This will build pressure on her.

But before all this. Most imp. Start looking for a job and start earning. Be financially independent.

Another option is to just keep trying to win him from ur side and leave about that woman. May be its just time and slowlt he will come back.

I can only suggest, but decisioon shd be taken v carefully. Seek a counsellors help and check my suggestions with him. I dont want to be responsible for spoiling ur life.

I can say one thing, pls dont consider such relationship to be so serious to divorce. If he is a nice person, caring and good father, if u get along well otherwise, dont think of breaking up. This mistake is human, men are vulnerable and easy to melt. Just forgive him.

I am a man who has had a relationship with a woman but now settled back with my wife and 2 kids, thanks to my wife. I know the brain just stops working when a female' s saya is so much on you. But if he is not a good man and u dont see hopes after trying, move on. When i read ur story I felt i was reading mine and couldnt stop replying. If i am able to help you even little, I will feel my sins washed very minorly atleast. preeti replied. Hi dear,
i would advise you to become independent.Move back to India if u cant get a job abroad. Start having a career.Divorce this man.Take care of ur kid.