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Miscarriage and Child Loss:very upset and mentally distressed

2006-08-22

Name: abcd hi all,

im in great distress...i lost my baby in the 30th week..my problem was intrauterine growth retardation(IUGR).the baby weight was less according to the weeks..so i did a premature delivery.im totally breakdown now.

i cannot question GOD's authority and will but im mentally very upset.i dont know why this happened to me.after keeping baby soo long and waiting for the arrival this happened.

please help.

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2006-08-28

Name: abc
Subject:

destined

hi all,

thanks for ur support.i really dont know why my baby weight was underweight and small in size...but the doctor while doing the ultrasound thought its no point in continuing the pregnancy because baby was small in size.doc said that even if i continue pregnancy the survival chances till the end will be very less and then i might have to do a ceaserean.doc felt that some problem or illness will also remain throughout the life with the baby so it was advisable to abort...

i really never expected such a thing to happen...but i was left with no option.i did a premature delivery...i emotionally hurt.there was no abnormality as such in the baby only the size was small according to gestation age...so doc felt its difficult to revert as well as i also had blood pressure and infection in kidney so termination was the only option felt...otherwise some health problem would have happened to me.

anyways i trying to control myself...but its difficult.

thanks anyways

2006-08-28

Name: sac
Subject:

really sorry.....

hey its really depressing to hear about ur loss but but u hav to keep faith in god.He will soon fulfill ur loss with a small little angel.

can u plz tell me dat is proper height or length of fetus isn't a symbol of proper growth.my doc havn't checked for weight of baby till my present 15 week. and i m also worried abt some growth matter. she said length is ok...
and no need to know d weight.

2006-08-28

Name: Aarti
Subject:

Any ultrasounds?

Sac,

Have you had any ultrasounds done in this pregnancy? is there a specific reason or past history which makes you suspect that you might have a growth problem? If your weight gain is okay so far maybe your doctor does not see a reason to suspect a problem.

An ultrasound can get your doubts clarified and can provide rough (only rough) estimate of fetal weight. I am not sure where you are located. Some practices in the US do an ultrasound only in the 20th week. If you are in India you can get it done by paying from your pocket. I completely understand the nervousness of an expectant mother.

My best wishes, Aarti

2006-08-28

Name: sonam
Subject:

sorry

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and don't loose your mind and try for another time. This time by taking care of all the nutritions etc. God will surely return you what you want.

2006-08-24

Name: Shirish Bhate
Subject:

Pregnancy precautions

Dear abcd
Sorry to hear your case. These days, many women are facing similar situations due to nutritional deficiency and incorrect guidance.
For an ayurvedist opinion please visit:

ayurvedaonline group at yahoo and read message 3499 posted by this author.

2006-08-23

Name: abcd
Subject:

thanks

hi,

thanking u all for ur replies.i must say that this board is very helpful in releiving my grief.

dear friends...i feel a little better now as time is passing because my family has supported me as well as hubby.,the pain has not lessened but i have relised that i have to move on.God has been unfair to me no doubt...when doc told me that my pregnancy has to be terminated i was in a state of shock and denial...i refused to accept it...but god left me with no option.Doctor were more worried about my health.

Now he himself has to come in some form and heal my pain.anyways i dont know why this happens but i know that whatever happens happens for our own good.

thank you aarti and shared emotion for giving some support to me. Itmakes me feel that im not the only one in pain.You people have given me courage to face it and i shall try to do that. iTs true that this will never get out of my mind but i have nothing left to think...

thank you

2006-08-23

Name: aarti
Subject:

One day at a time

Hi abcd,

Take things one day at a time. Don't feel rushed to be cheerful for others sooner than you want to. You are right, this will never leave your mind. But that is perfectly fine. Your baby was within you and nobody else knows what that felt like.

If you grieve fully you will find that with time it will become somewhat more bearable. For some women, it helps to get as much info about what happened with their pregnancy. It makes them feel empowered with more knowledge. But I am not saying that it is for everyone.

I am not sure how long ago you lost so I am not pushing too many suggestions. If you need anything please let me know.

- Aarti

2006-08-23

Name: shared emotion
Subject:

hugz to you

All I can tell you is- Sometimes babies are just not meant to see the light of day before they get their angel wings. Are there any local groups that deal with stillbirth and child loss local to you? More than anything else many people think they are going crazy because they don't know anyone who has lost a child and therefore they have no one to tell them that feeling crazy is normal. You might need to take anti-depressants if things get too bad but you will go through a lot of emotions and that will be normal.

Do not let people tell you how you should be acting or when you're supposed to get over things. If you cut your grief short for the sake of others it will come back later in life with negative effects. You HAVE to work through your grief and it helps if you with people who understand.

this links to a page listing varioud pregnancy loss sites. http://in(DOT)dir(DOT)yahoo(DOT)com/Health/Diseases_and_Conditions/Pregnancy_Loss/

This forum isn't very good if you are looking for support. The ladies are great but no one seems to visit regularly and a few days without reply when you're feeling very low can be a killer. Also most of the posts deal solely with the womans initial reaction to greif which is usually when the least support is needed. They say the shock takes about 3 months to wear off fully. If you're looking for emotional support these sites are MUCH better and might even know of places that are local or you might meet ladies there that are close to you. I know hygia has a member search so that you can locate people close to yourself to communicate with.
Talking about your baby is IMPORTANT.

I had NOONE to talk to and I didn't know how bad that could make your grief. A burden shared really is halved. I contacted a local support group and they've been great for me. I couldn't understand how my hubby was ok and I wasn't. Why did I cry still, why did i need to bring the baby up so often, why did i need to sit and look at the baby's photos so often.

Women grieve differently, they will go over the events again and again. We are answer seekers and men are accepters. This is why they seem to get over the loss sooner. It isn't because you're crazy. Going over the details is actually part of the process of grieving for the mother.

ABCD stop asking why. Sweety that is the most hurtful question you can ask yourself. There will be no answer. And as for GOD, he doesn't want us to live without ever questioning him, it is ok if you want to tell him this is unfair. We are LOVED by God and he wants to hear our pain, even if it hurts him too. Never feel shy to rant at God for this because only he can really 'handle it' and he will totally forgive us this weak moment too.

It can be very hard to just be grateful for the time you had but do try to be. Get yourself a memory box, make a scrap book. Build memories. Write things you remember about the pregnancy. Remember everything you can. I bet your daughter was a perfect angel. Did you see her or get any photos of her? ABCD I am sorry for your loss, sorry you won't raise your child but you are still her mother. And she is still your daughter. Sending much love

2006-08-24

Name: shared emotion
Subject:

for Aarti

Aarti,

This has been a very lonely process for me and for a lot of others. I don't think many could say they really had all the support they needed or they will say it was withdrawn before they would have liked. We're expected to move on & let go of our pain but people don't realize this is something you can not get over but instead have to learn to live with. And that takes time to get used to. I am glad that you've found an online community to get support through this pregnancy. You would have needed it. Through my contact with SANDS (stillbirth & neo-natal death support) I have learned so much and what you're going through is normal. The anxiety you have, the worry; that is all part of the person you are and it comes from your loss. You’re a different Aarti now. Were you like me when your babe died? Did you have no idea that perfect babies could die? I didn’t think babies died unless there was something VERY wrong and of course I believed that will never happen to me. It was our ignorance and innocence that made our earlier pregnancies a happy time; you no longer have that Aarti. You know the truth society keeps hidden and your whole life will be coloured by this new truth.

You answered a question I didn't even know I had about Indian attitudes regarding stillbirth. I'm not Indian but you've shed new light on why my Indian friends are the way they are. I don't think that in admitting that sad things remain repressed is disrespectful to the community or to Indians. It's just how they are and admitting the truth is never bad. In my country people have similar attitudes, there is a certain gentleness extended at first but on the whole most feel once the funeral is over so is the sadness. Aarti I am not coping all that well with my grief, I think I was just able to express a little clearly. I was impressed with myself actually because I get so brain fried these days. They say the loss has triggered an auto-immune disease, Graves-Basedow, I have major clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder (our daughter died because my brother assaulted me a week before her birth). I am failing at this big time but I won’t give in. For every person that says you will feel better if you have another child, I resolve myself to showing them that this child is the one that will make me a better person. I grew from this loss, learned, evolved and be damned if I won’t praise my angel baby for giving me that opportunity!! Also Graves has left me infertile at the moment so I can’t really put their theory of a new baby to the test. Also I want to get over the active part of my grief before I consider ANYTHING else.

I really sat back and thought about what you said regarding repression and its long term effects. I believe you are right and while I would like to see things change I don’t ever see stillbirth or child loss being something that won’t be taboo. Babies have been dying for millions of years and it took my own loss to bring that truth into the light. I don’t think we can blame our respective cultures because I think women all over the world might feel the same of their own culture. The differences in grief from men to women can cause problems in the marriage and I’ve read many marriages crumble. I know we had much stress because it was hard to accept my husband’s apparent lack of grief. On top of that his family had kept our marriage a secret but when our baby was born they demanded she too not be mentioned and that hurt. I think their attitude lead to the depression. They say our baby died because my husband married a white girl and its punishment. My hubby lost his baby because God wanted to show him the pain he caused her when he chose to marry outside of his culture. I got so angry that they cared only about their social standing and worried only about what upset it might cause them if others in their community knew. Not once did they say sorry. Loosing baby is hard without family dramatics.

I watched from afar a long time on this board. I post when I feel I have something I can offer and remain silent a lot. You’ve made many a good post and are often the first to reply new postings. You’re using your loss to help others and having been on the receiving end of that help I can tell you that your presence here is invaluable. I used to use K.Radha but I can no longer be her. She was a different, happier person and so I dropped the name and grabbed this one. I’m not even me at the moment, I’m a big ball of emotion I can’t help but share so maybe the new nick isn’t too far from the truth. But enough of that!!!!

How much longer have you to wait for your baby’s grand arrival? Do you know what you’re expecting (I know in India you can’t find out but do you have suspicions?) What is the most exciting part of this pregnancy? What are you doing to cope? Have you support strategies in place for when you need it? Is there anything I can do that can help you? Don’t feel you ever need to repress anxiety or worries over this pregnancy, not with friends, family or medical staff. It’s your right and I think you should sit down and either talk with your friends a write a letter letting them know how you feel and how you’d like to see them change in way that can help you. This isn’t selfishness, in doing this we make it easier for the next woman who looses. When I think of the movie Pay It Forward, I can’t help but wonder if I am right.
Many blessings to you and always. I am hoping and praying for the best for you.
Kate

2006-08-23

#10

Name: Aarti
Subject:

Bravo

Shared emotion,

I am simply floored by how clearly you have expressed your thoughts and the grieving process. It felt very bad to read that you had nobody to talk to. Grieving is sometimes a very lonely process. I hope your support groups have helped you.

You are so right about women and men grieiving differently. Had my loss occured much earlier in my married life, I would have thought the worst of my husband. since I learnt over the years that he processes grief in a very different way I understood his reactions better.

I confess that even during my subsequent pregnancy, it has been somewhat of a lonely experience. I have one or two online boards in which I can be open about my fears about the wellbeing of the baby. Outside of that my friends seem uncomfortable when I mention my uncertainties or my occasional lack of excitement over the pregnancy. They will immediately try to say "Oh no, no, don't think of the past. It will not happen again". But then again, I might be expecting too much! I assume that you are Indian. It is not my intention to disrespect our community but there is a tendency not to dwell on the past but suppress painful memories. I don't think it is good for longterm emotional health.

I am not sure how long ago you suffered your loss or at what stage of your pregnancy. But it looks like you have taken remarkable over the grieving process. I really admire that. I send you my best wishes and prayers.

- Aarti

2006-08-23

#11

Name: Aarti
Subject:

Condolences

Abcd,

My heart goes out to you. I don't know if I will use the right words to give you comfort. But please know that you are not alone.

It is most natural for you to question God's will and get angry. I spent many weeks after my pregnancy loss very angry. My loss was earlier than yours at 18 weeks but I was still angry and completely depressed. I can imagine how much worse you must feel. No woman during her pregnancy ever imagines that she can lose the baby. It takes us completely by surprise especially in the last trimester.

Where are you located? What kind of emotional support are you getting? Do you have any close friend with whom you can talk? Or some support groups arranged through your hospital? If there some days when you feel like crying, don't feel bad about it. If you need anything specific please do write back.

Best wishes and prayers, Aarti

2006-08-23

#12

Name: shared emotion
Subject:

you help so often Aarti, thanks from all

abcd-> do seek out aarti if you're looking for advice or anything else. She tends to be the best on this forum. Has heaps of info. She's also a sweety

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