Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have many sad feelings in me which nobody around me understand. So I thought this is a place where i can pour my feelings and get solace.
My father-in-law hates me as i am not as good looking as his other two daughters-in-law. He lives in a small town and gives lot of importance to what the people in the neighbourhood say. I am not sure what people have told him. His hatred aggravated when he came to know that i had a problem which was delaying my conceiving. This hatred was regularly fuelled by his other daughter-in-law with whom he was staying. She has a great influence on him and whenever he used to visit he made sure he abused me, shouted at me and said scary things that he wants to kill some people and that my abortion was a thing i deserved very much etc. But my husband right from the beginning believes his father and that co-sister only and always thought that i am not maintaining relations with them. I have tried to tell him things from my perspective that they were hating me and saying many bad things and was never nice to me. He never believed it and shouted at me that i am the one who is not maintaining relations. He feels that they are all nice and only i have a problem. I love him so much. But he keeps dilly dallying from being nice at a moment to being very rude at another moment. I have come to feel that it is easier to maintain a relationship with a person who is consistently good or bad but not with a person who travels between two extremes. My husband never never listens to me whenever i need to talk to him. I am generally a very un-biased person and if there is anything wrong with me, i feel it and regret it openly even without the other person pin pointing it. usually in any argument, though it is him who is wrong, i say sorry at the end and end the argument. He never ever feels anything for me. He will say that he loves me and all but never never listens to me even if i am shattered and really crying my heart out. he can just turn his back on me and sleep or walk out. After 5 years i got a child. Before that i used to work and my husband used to be good and bad but now after the child, i quit my job and i see the bad face much more often. I am worried that he is not seeing the truth behind his father and co-sister' s behaviour and what if he is going to be angry with me that i was not affectionate with his father after his father' s death. i have tried to make him understand that his brother' s wife is the one who is causing the misunderstand and spoiling his relationship with his father and not me. But I have seen that the more u point the mistakes in their relatives side, the more the husband starts defending them and gets more and more closer to his relatives.
I am not able to share the feelings with my mother. My mother just brushes aside whatever i am trying to say. But whereas if any of my cousins share any feelings about their in-laws, she understands and talk to them nicely. maybe because she has no responsibility towards them, she is able to sympathise with them. my sister always has this feeling that i am better off in every way than her and she never listens to me and my relationship with her is not as close as i see the sisters around me are. My mother has always been very service oriented towards her brothers-in-law and co-sisters and never talks back. i have grown up seeing this and i have never been able to talk back to my father-in-law or co-sister whenever they ill-talk. so they get even worser.
My husband always wants me to maintain no relations with my relatives and wants me to be close with people whom he likes. But in many cases, people who are nice to him never even bother to say a hi to me or acknowledge if i talk to them. my husband is fair and good looking and i am dark and average looking. i have a daughter who is dark as me and i see the same bad treatment mended towards her by relatives or neighbours who have fairer kids. I know my husband would have ditched me long back had his mother been alive. i am here as his wife just because his mother is not alive. All this is making me sad and i am not able to live a false life, give a false smile and false talks when your heart has negative feelings. I am sure there must be many others who must be facing difficulties. Please let me know how u cope with it, how u behave with ur in-laws, husband, friends or relatives who are not nice to you and not get a bad name.

I seem to not know how to live in this materialistic world and be happy in spite of seeing many false things around. Reader replied. Hi Sudha,

Just one thing. You have suffered a lot. Just regain ur self confidence by watching ur baby smiling at u, playing with u and working part time as the well wisher suggested.

Try upbringing ur child in such a manner that she is full of confidence when she grows up.

Make ur daughter' s life as the objective of ur life. She' s the one who really needs u.

Forget about Deven. deven replied. no one can be so unreasonable.
there must be something more to it.
you are average looking as you said and iam sure you will be honest. such people when married to a handsome man have to be very careful in their image as the husband will be edgy.
without knowing what yr in laws have to say abt you it is difficult to sympathise with you.
even yr mother and sister do not seem to be bothered about you. that means something is surely wrong with yr nature. deven replied. no one can be so unreasonable.
there must be something more to it.
you are average looking as you said and iam sure you will be honest. such people when married to a handsome man have to be very careful in their image as the husband will be edgy.
without knowing what yr in laws have to say abt you it is difficult to sympathise with you.
even yr mother and sister do not seem to be bothered about you. that means something is surely wrong with yr nature. well wisher replied. Dear sudha ,

I understand ur problem.

It is very true that this is a materialistic world.

Here only very lucky people gets good life partners who really cares or has true feelings for them.

But what to do for rest of the people like us ?we have live our lives & also finish our halfdone tasks & complete our responsibilities.

I understand you have suffered lots of misbehaviour , illtreatment ,negligencies from ur father in law , co sister , husband . Neither u get the support of ur own mother & sister.

But thinking of all these again & again will have no positive impact on you , your daughter or ur lifestyle.

Now that ur father in law is dead u need not think abt all the past issues related to him & break ur head over that.
Regarding ur cosister , ur husband & his other rwealtives relationship with you what can be suggested is that u maintain ur own dignity , self respect & also well behave with them as long they are properly interacting with you. If they are not just ignore them . Do not even think why did they behaver that way etc etc.

You see now the most precious possession u r having is ur daughter. You should bring her up properly . See to it that she never suffers from any kind of inferiority complex for being dark & all. for that first of all u should boost up ur self esteem & should not think urself as any type of inferior being .Bcoz if u r having that ur daughter will automatically develop that from u .

Also try to engagae ur self in some kind of job part time / fulltime .this also will give back ur self confidence.

Basically what i mean is that in this realistic world , u need to be strong , confident & independent .Then only u will able to adjust with all the negative traits going wround you . Dont give too much attention & importance to people who does not even bother for u .

Just remember ur most important & basic task is bringing up ur daughter such that she never goes thru what u have suffered from.

I know u can be a very successfull woman & mother. Wish u all the luck in ur future endeveuors...