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Womens Issues:me again

2007-03-22

Name: sumathi Thanks dddd for your support. I reached my relatives place with the baby. Now my husband has gone crazy completely. He cut the service of my cell phone and also changed the passwords of our email account and BANK account! He is doing all sort of criminal activities!
What does he expect from me? When a husband can make strories and abuse her to all her relatives, when he can even make stories about her conduct (bringing a male colleague to home for lunch, which is completely absurd), what does he expect me to do. Stay there and beg for his mercy. He is thinking i am not loving him. If that was the case i had chance to call 911 plenty of times and i missed. To him his parents and sister come is category first, whose trust i should earn to make this marriage a success. How i should earn? By begging apologies to them for all their false complaints against me.
How can an educated person act brainless and spoil his own life for his sister, by taking revenge on his wife and a baby.

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2007-03-23

Name: sumathi
Subject:

thank you

Dear dddd, sakhi and ritika, i thank you all from the bottom of my heart for providing emotional support. I contacted a social organization and talked to a lawyer about my situation. I am at my relatives place. I opened a separate account and transferred whatever little left behind. I will take the rest as it comes and i will keep you updated.
dddd thanks for sharing your personal experience. It indeed helps me to regain my balance.

2007-03-28

Name: sakhi
Subject:

Take your time

Sumathi,
You moved in with your relatives to take some time off right? So do that.
It is natural to go through all the emotions you are going through. I know that at the back of your mind you have always thought that your husband will get back to you which is why I was reluctant to give you any strong advice like creating separate bank accounts etc which would send him a strong signal of break off to him. Anyway now that you feel that you still love him don´ t make any moves on your own just lie low for a while enjoy your baby. Between your parents and relatives and friends if a compromise can be worked out between you two that will be good for all. You know your husband better than anyone on this board, besides this has to be a very personal decision for you so do what you feel is right and no one but you can help you make the decision. But there is no hurry just chill for a while and don´ t think about it right now. Easier said than done?
You might want to talk to a therapist to see if there are any postpartum blues (not just for you but your husband as well) But in the end just do what YOU want to do. If possible do not read this board for a while. And when you do come back I know that you will with a smile!

2007-03-28

Name: dddd
Subject:

Take heart.

Sumathi good to know how you are doing.Take care of yourself and baby. You know how much ever we are hurting we shudnt project too much pain to husbands. And moreover you have a small baby.She will become seeing you sad. She is too small to realize anything but our heart will bleed seeing kids sad right.to teach such husbands a lesson we need to put up a false face of not caring a damn about anything but ourselves . Sorry for the language but this situation is as such we need to use it.You know your husband at least apologised mine never did. He feels its his birthright to abuse. But after i took legal action he told his friends he is sorry he did. Now + point of this situation is all his friends know his abusive side and they didnt sympathize with him when he was arrested.In fact they came forward to help me in any way i wanted help.You need to even do that. If any of your husband´ s close friends are nearby please do tell them.my husbands friends are his friends from school to college. They went everywhere together. Its almost 20 yrs friendship.But now they seem to detest him and take extra concern in knowing i am ok.See money or material help will not help us get thru this. Sometimes it will but not all the time.After that incident every 2 -3 days my they used to call home and enquire how is everything. I will be greatful to them for that.You need to take any of your husband´ s close friends into confidence. if they are married its better.See my husband himself told his friends. Otherwise my in laws wud have changed the entire story and projected me as aggresssive.
And one more thing Sumathi we dont live in utopian world to say that we love our husbands a lot and after severe abuse a sorry wud be sufficient. You know the sorry would go away but bruises remain.we are human and we hurt too right. sometimes its good for us to let husbands walk over us but not always. Dont you think we lose our self confidence.its not ur education our upbringing or anything but ourselves as a person.
Its really a good thing met an attorney and contacted social organization. You need to be strong and set some ground rules before u get back. See in laws are worried they will be humiliated in community and husbands also feel they cannot find anyone like us and want to get back. But by then u need to be strong and set some rules. I got back with my husband with some unsaid rules like no physical abuse . Emotionally he brings me down lots of times but i have learnt to give him back.its tiring as i always have to be up to face him .When it becomes too tuff i am willing to go separate ways.I am more inclined to that.being in abusive marriages prepares u for any adversities.If you get back weak as before then it will make no difference but make it worse.See if some therapy works.I really feel you need to be strong. See now after this legal action now i am stronger in marriage and my husband has to get in terms with it. He wud have been worse if i had come back meek right.Dont worry the change will come in your husband sooner than you think. Only thing is the time in b/n will be a drag to you. But do not project pain when u get back.Sound confident and get back.
Anyhow did you find out how your husband is doing?Keep a check on him all the time. I knew what exactly my husband was doing from his friends and hisfinance statements.Do not let him leave the country to consult his family then the situation will be worse than improve he will never miss his real family and that void will be filled instantly by in laws and he will feel he has been like this allthe time.
When i was apart from my husband my in laws tried all the ways to get my husband back to India but i still dont know what kept my husband from going back but he didnt. Imagine his parents and sister and brother calling him 2-3 times a day and singing the same song like come back here we will get u thru this for 2 months.
Sumathi i really feel u need to get stronger and have a strategy in mind to tacle this situation.Best of luck.Post back any developments. we might not be great help but can suggest ways to handle the situation. It may not be perfect solution but can give u good idea how to go from there.Best of luck. Post back and take care of you and the baby.

2007-03-27

Name: sumathi
Subject:

i feel sad

HI dddd, thanks for your mail. Its true that i have to look forward and take steps assertively for getting a better future for me and for my daughter. But i am really sad. I am sad that i trusted these people and i loved my husband. My mind is going through so many emotions - i want to stay with my husband, at the same time i am mad at him for what he is doing to me now. If not now my husband will realize atleast in future, what he has lost. I loved him inspite of all his beatings and abuses. He knows that. His apologies were sufficient to me for forgiving his violent behaviors so far. Now i know why they say " love is blind" . After all these, still i am yearning for a change in my husband´ s behavior and for a happy life with him.

2007-03-25

Name: dddd
Subject:

Be bold

Sumathi you crossed a big hurdle. Now dont worry the worst is over.Once again you are a smart woman. Took a right step at right time.Hey why dont u contact any of friends and ask them about attorney. Attorneys especially will help a lot if it is recommended by someone.And if you have any independent a/c which u might be why dont u specifically instruct the banks not to include husband if at all he comes to know. One more thing if u have any e-mail a/c s whose passwords your husband has please do change the password . You never know. even though i have one e-mail a/c which my husband knows i wont tell him the password. I have access to all his e-mail and finance a/cs> i dont know he doesnt say no becoz he trusts me or plain lazy to change. anyway i havent taken advantage and spent money from those.
Do not talk anything about your separation with in laws. U know when my husband and i were not together My sil called me and told here that oh we want to make your marriage work.we will help u and counsel u in all problems. As though she is a therapist. And once my husband came home to visit after i obliged him she was yelling at him on phone and telling him to come back to india and let your wife stay there.So i blasted her immediately.But she wont learn after 6 months she will interfere.See in that situation i was firm i told her off. Now u need to muster courage and tell your in laws off if they interfere.My in laws told my parents we will go there and work on their marriage so my parents told its not u or us who need to work on their marriage but only they both shud do it.
Sumathi i feel sad to say in laws are elders we need to respect them. But to respect them we also need to get the same. Same with husband.We can be selfless and love them if only they do.even now my marriage is not picture perfect. But i am awaiting my permanent residence from my husband.My husband told my in laws and now its indefinitely delayed. My in laws practice black magic for everything. MyMIL suggested to me if u want my son to listen to u tell me i will give u something. I was not believing all this before. But living this hell for 4 yrs i do believe.Once i get my work permit i may stay separate for some time as i need to some time to get back from my pain.
hey it will really help if you can drop in a line every once in a while as we will be relieved here that u are doing fine.
Also keep track of your husband´ s whereabouts.Best of luck. BE TUFF and post back.

2007-03-23

Name: sakhi
Subject:

Hi Sumathi!

Hi Sumathi,

I know you are at a relatives house and probably do not have free access to the computer but please post as often as you can here to tell us how you are.
I know that you are right now not in a critical need for volunteer help since you are with relatives but
please look up sakhi website for a list of DV help orgnizations closest to you. Call them to speak with a volunteer any time you need to talk this over with someone. There is only so much you or I can post here since this is a parenting website.
Do keep posting here we will be looking for your messages. May God give you the strength to survive this ordeal. Somehow I feel this is going to be a temporary phase which will tide over soon.

2007-03-22

Name: dddd
Subject:

Be firm

Sumathi i am very proud of how you took care of yourself and the baby.first things first. Dont worry about your husband doing all such things. Its just immediate anger.He has do it.You know when my husband was arrested the next month when i forbid him to meet me. He didnt pay the rent. Then i calmly called him up and told i will take legal action if he doesnt. He paid after that.Imagine in b/n my in laws also convinced him not to pay the rent so that i go back to india and save money on rent.I didnt go. such is their evil minds. If daughter cannnot stay in US. neither shud dil.In 2 months of separation he has missed me a lot.he didnt tell me but told his friends and i cud make out from his face.Some times tuff problems call for tuffer solutions. be stone hearted and make some financial security for yourself. like draw from your joint a/c and keep it with you or in a bank in your name only. Have you not had a a/c in your name only.When my parents gave me some money i didnt put it in joint a/c although wanted to first. my dad scolded me.
Dont worry after say 15 days he will realize the truth and call you back.Men break down sooner then women.
In b/n dont encourage anything from in laws they only see long term effects of separating you and your husband. Its not their daughter right.
Every marriage needs different type of solutions.I have been in same situation.I dont even work nor do i know driving. Imagine cooped in a apartment for 2 months with only 5-6 outings lasting 1 hr.and sils are biggest competitors to wives of sons as if they are first wives of them.
Dont budge maybe for 1 - month. But keep all info about him from friends.Talk to common friends.in 2 months i kept track of what my husband was doing everyday.Now my in laws are furious after my husband joined me.My husband did the same as listening to sil and having blind love for her. But over the years i have made him promise me that she will never come here to my house in US.If she comes i know for sure we will go separate ways.in b/n tell your family in your home to be firm with your in laws. when my husband was staying separate from me here in those 2 months. my in laws went to abuse my parents in india. But my parents were firm and gave them back. The main intention of my in laws was to tell my parents to call me back.my parents didnt do it but blasted them for my husband ' s upbringing.
moreover over the period of time the stories will also bore your in laws. Once they break apart then you can see light. Your husband will see who is right and wrong. See your sil wont leave her married life for her brother nobody can take your place.
Do not apologize to your in laws that will put a habit in them to expect u to apologize for any stupid accusation they make.be firm. Be tuff for sometime.your husband will be reformed in that time and see what you are. If you are near him in same house. He will never miss you. now u are apart he will think of his behaviour and start missing you and the baby. See the baby is the most he will miss with you. if you remove one furniture from the house we miss it.and you are a person a wife whom he has shared so many yrs.and the baby he will miss the baby' s cry or smile. Its easy to eat outside and throw tantrums when wife is at home. But when u are not even that wont feel good. He will probably feel to what he shud come back home too.Be tuff. Good time are ahead of you and the baby. Best of luck. Post back.

2007-03-22

Name: sakhi
Subject:

most important

Sumathi,

Most important I hope you have your EAD with you. Look for a job soon as possible. If you had a joint account with him I dont think he can change or delete the account number without your written consent.

2007-03-22

Name: Ritika
Subject:

Re:

Hi Sumathi,

Your husband is showing his true character...he has been trying to control you when you were with him..and now that you are not, he is trying to control all the financial aspects of your life...

I hope you took some money with you when you went to the bank..if he has changed the password to your bank account, even then you can with draw money by going physically to a bank branch with a cheque book..if yr cheque book is not there, go home in his absence and get it...also, pls get your passport, documents, all your valuables with you if you havent already..do that and withdraw all your money...

Pls don' t wait for your husband to see the light or get transformed...the way he is going, chances are he will not...

He talks of love being more important than truth...but at the same time, shows no love towards you..with whom he took vows to protect and cherish...

And as far as being educated is concerned, it is all academic..it no where measures how wise you are or how much common sense you have...

You need to be strong at this time...and protect your baby' s and your rights...pls do not fall into despair and forget to do these...

Take care and all the very best!! Pls do post back and let us know how you are doing...

2007-03-22

#10

Name: sakhi
Subject:

usual tactics

sumathi,

These should have been anticpated by you. These are typical ways by which they will try to show you who is boss.
If you have a personal debit card you should draw out as much as you can and keep it for your use until you find a job. I think since you have chosen to walk out now you must look for a way to support yourself.

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