Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,
I need your advise which helps me in making right decision. I am married and stay in US. Its only 2 years i am married and dont have children. My husband dont have turst in me. He keeps checking my emails and even my parents emails. He does not allow me to talk to my parents. Each time i call them i have to take permission from him. I should not do anything without his permission , if i do he gets so angry. And if i shout a little he will beat me like anything. I am working and i dont a bank account. We bought home, and he made me sign papers that i don' t have any rights on that home. And if friends come to home, and if by mistake i speak anything wrong than thats it . I stopped talking much.
Can you please let me know is his behavior normal. I am working and i dont have anything. I am really dispressed. and i dont want to tell this to my parents as i dont want to hurt them. I am alone here. I dont know any one here. Please i need help and want to share my feelings.
Thanks
Janaki


S replied. If your husband is checking ur emails, why dont u have a different yahoo or gmail id and keep it secret from your husband? This way u could stay in touch with ur parents/friends without ur husband' s knowledge. Isn' t this quite obvious? Ritika replied. Hi Janaki,

I do NOT think that yr leaving your abusive husband or calling 911 when he beats you next is going to affect your sisters marriage prospects.

Think about it - if a guy is going to say no to your sister just because her elder sister left an abusive marriage...do you really want such a person to marry your sister? Don' t you think a person who supports such abuse would himself turn out to be an abuser (towards your sister)?

Your sisters will get married in their own rights so do not worry too much on that score...

You are working and are financially independent...if nothing else - go and join a self defense class in the evenings or weekends..so you can at least stop being your husbands punching bag! If you don' t have friends, try to befriend a co-worker...

and please call 911 next time he hits you!! The police here are soooo nice and supportive...you' ll wonder why you never called them earlier...

All the best... Janaki replied. Thank you for the reply. I am really happy for your response. I feel like some body is there to help me. All these days i was feeling very very alonely. I might posted this long back. I dont have my family members or friends in US. I dont know any one here as my husband never allow me to talk to anyone. I have two more sisters who should get married. my pareants are looking forward for they marriage. In thid case if i take any step I am afaried that may effect my sisters. I want to wait till my sisters get married.Please advice.

Thanks alot for the help. dd replied. Janaki please do step up. I was in same situation last year. I gave my husband a stern reply.I am happy i did. I dont even work here. But when i did i had made up my mind. i was suffering like u for 3 yrs.You are earning. please tell your parents. when my husband first hit me i did tell my parents. i told my lousy in laws too. they said u try to adjust. Theirs is a abusive family. I too live in US. Where do u live in US. Please do not go for kids. even i dont have kids . I want to be sure my husband has fully come out of it. He still emotionally tries to bring me down.But thats it.You tell your parents from your work. they will be there for u. when first time my husband hit me i told my in laws thinking they will tell him not to do it. In turn they didnt do anything and it continued.So after 3 long gruelling years i stood up for myself and glad i did . You shud do it too. write a letter as sakhi suggested and post it from work as speed post. and tell them not to mention it on phone when u call.If you have any friends or family here it will help when u take some stern action. Hey i thought by being patient my husband wud change it didnt. I had to do it.now my parents are relieved too.parents will always be there for u.Its my personal choice but i am not right now concentrating on having kids although i will cross 30 next year. I shud be sure of myself to remain in marriage before that commitment.Post back and take care.We all here might be able to help u . sakhi replied. If you cannot talk to them write a letter and mail it from your office or someplace else. DO NOT KEEP THIS FROM YOUR PARENTS PLEASE! It will not pay in the long run. One way or the other they will find out but will they be able to help you then? sakhi replied. Your husbands behavior is quite common among a lot of abusive Indian husbands living in the USA. It is not normal though. In this country he can be booked for domestic violence. Next time he raises his hand PLEEEAAASSEEE tell him you will call 911. I know many Indian women hesitate to do this but how can anyone help you if you will not help yourself?
Tell your parents about your situation here. I have a cousin who lived here for 10 years suffering the kind of treatment you describe at her husbands hands. She never let her parents know. One day her brother visited from India and found out about her situation. He took her back to India. But she had already become a mental wreck by then.
Don' t let that happen to you. Confide in your parents and let your husband know if his behavior does not change you will walk out but not before you have called 911 and made him understand the consequences of his actions. Please vsit sakhi they help such women in your situation. Even their site has lot of info that will be useful for you.