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Womens Issues:For dddd

2007-03-01

Name: anu hi dddd

I am really thankful to you for replying my post. As u asked my views abt ur post then honestly i must say that i am partially agreed with u ... My hubby never asked me to help him to come out of depression but as wife i am concerned with him ..I have loved him deeply . I am fully aware of his feelings and cheating also towards me . BUT STILL he is the one to whom i loved with all my heart and soul so i cant see him suffering . It becomes more painful for me
I am much better now and so he is .I did not leave him but yes i worked upon myself .
I appreciate ur concern .. Your way of handling your problem worked as remedy for abusive husband but perhaps i am not so bold .Cant say anything about me in coming time ..
Be in touch if u surf again this board

Wishing u a very happy married life .

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2007-03-01

Name: anu
Subject:

Thanks dddd and Kevin

Hey kevin, wish u a very happy wedding anniversary .Dont take screaming of wife to your heart .It hurts but i am sure you will handle accordingly .. It happens and will go away with time. Keep your cool and give your wife access to you in all ways .. whether its your mobile , your e-mail accounts , keep on informing her abt your whereabouts .I know it seems irritating but some problems have quite different solutions and goes away with time only. Analyse what made her suspicious.
Your questions to me are limited to few sentences but their replies are very detailed . I will try my best to give replies in minimum words while depicting exact happenings in my life
..... ...... ...... ..... ...... ...... ..... ...... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
why did he have an affair with xyz? what did he find in her? did you both did not have a happy marriage? were you the one who upset her in the begining?
...... ..... ...... ..... ..... ..... .....

It was a pre-marital affair which revived after 3 years of my marriage. During these years i was very happy n hubby also seemed very happy with me .

It was not matter of any special quality in XYZ but husband was an innocent victim by hands of XYZ.Revival of old emotions n emotional blackmail kind of

We both had a quite very happy marriage in starting 3 years .we are blessed with 2 beautiful kids also.

No , it was not me who made him upset ,Infact i caught his infatuation in very early days of my Marraige to him but i just worked to win his heart in all possible ways.I did whatever made him happy . I never said no to him for anything .Encouraged him alwyas in all tough time n appreciated him whnever got a chance.He also reciprocated my feelings very well n got very much attached to me . Was a veyr loving hubby n caring father of kids.Re entry of XYZ happened after 3 years of my M and followed by all tragic events. I also protested as dddd pointed out ..questioning, yelling ... sometimes tried to control him by anger sometimes by love but nothing worked. Hubby was in deep fog. Abused me physically many times during that time and threatened for suicide .
Marriage was in its worst phase . A miracle happened and we moved to new location . XYZ was again of out of sight so we were very happy again .Our married life got disturbed when hubby heard about another affair of XYZ.. i was not surprised at all (knowing the charecter of XYZ)but surely hubby was very shocked and depressed becoz at one time he put up his married life ( me and kids ) at stake for her .He started to took out his depression in form of creating tensions for me ..again all bad memoried got alive in life....Now life is returning to its normal but i also suffered badly without any crime . You must have gotten it from my earlier post. I am also feeling quite normal .When i said that i worked upon myself means that i am keeping myself busy ..I have taken certain professional commitments.Its working well for me in coming out of depression.. Most of the time i am occupied now.

Hope my replies have not made u confused anymore. It would me my pleasure if i can be of any help to you ....Good Luck and enjoy ur evening as planned..Dont forget to let us know how things are taking shape in your life.Keep posting .
***** **** **** **** **** **** ******

Dear dddd

I am flattered by your compliment . Glad to meet you . can say that we have both struggled in many similar ways .. Your suggestions are really good . Fortunately we used to have outings and all in same way as u suggested but all phases in married life are not same... Life has resumed almost normal routine n hope that again all fun activities will also be started .
Its good to see nice people like u here ..
Be in touch..

2007-03-01

Name: KEVIN
Subject:

clear

Dear Anu,

All clear now. you have precicely outlined yr case. i understand. to me it looks yr case is you falling for him more than he doing it before marriage. you virtually earned him. in such a scenerio i can understand his falling for his ex love or whatever. ( xyz) i also hope yr views of xyz are neutral and not biased. it is natural for you to use these words for her.
you say you have two kids which i hope will bind you together but beleive me kids are no answer when wife is hysterical. i too have two sons and the elder one has seen all her sreaming today and before also. he has his board exams starting to morrow and what must be going in his mind?
i wanted to surprise her with the gift and since she was upset last night i gave it in the mng near her tea. i think she was hurt as the previous night she mentioned that you are not even bothered abt giving me anything. since she saw it in the morning she had to eat her words which she turned against me by sceaming abt my character.
time is the healer but scars will alwyas show. even in yr case whatever both of you do the trust is gone. you have to rebuild it step by step. none of you can make any error now.
i am sure one mail or phone from xyz will be trouble for you again.
unless you find out what is that is missing in you.
i am confiding now in one of our family friend and i am sure she will not like it. but waht do i do? i got to have some one to talk otherwise i will be mad.today luckily in saw yr post and could vent out my case.
so anu my evening is not sure but make sure you have good time together do self introspection you will find the answer.

2007-03-01

Name: kevin
Subject:

sorry

sorry to jump in. i saw yr post. but the way you are handling is good. fighting hardly solves any issue.it aggrevates. he needs yr support so please give it. he did not support you but you should. he will realise. bu the way why did he have an affair with xyz? what did he find in her? did you both did not have a happy marriage? were you the one who upset her in the begining?
why i am asking these questions are because my wife is also suspecting me by imagining things abt my affair. she screams and shouts for no reason. i am being pushed into depression, but she says she is in one.
today is our marriage anniversary and i had planned a very nice evening and gave her a surprise mng diamond gift.
she called me and sceamed at the top of the voice when i am in office.
imagine what i feel? sometimes woman also do not understand man. they just suspect.
i can bet that less men suspect their office going wife of an affair than women who suspects their husbands.
so what you are doing is fine. when he is out of depresion ask him and do introspection. was it an affair which was responsible for his depression or yr suspecion?
keep posting i have a long experience in this kind of behavior as i am a victim myself.

2007-03-01

Name: kevin
Subject:

clarity

i understand what r u saying. i can also c the character of XYZ from what u described. yr husband looks fool if im spite of such an understanding spouse still falling for someone who is married.
i am confiding with a female. and she is married not biased towards my wife and keeps things confidential.i discuss with both of them. but since it involves my wife she takes more interest. she always points out my faults and asks me to correct them, i mean provides me female point of view like you are trying to do and best of all my wife does not like her like so many she does not like. she is young and good looking and happily married.
yr case i feel since you got married to a person who has some affair the case is understandable. he is not totally able to get her past him for whatever reason. i am sure you too would have analysed it.
you have done so well so far.if he id depressed due to her it is sure case of worry. but as u are saying things have changed but please look again at yrself c if you did something which drew him away from you. there must be something say nagging, cricising not appreciating his qualities, running him down name calling. so guard against them.
my case is long may b some other time.i had or rather have successful married life but trouble has began few years before as we have different views on many things.i kept them in abeyance but now am unable to tolerate as it is making me sick and silly at times.

2007-03-01

Name: anu
Subject:

not clear to me

Hi Kevin

I understand ur concern for children. its really very hard for them .
There is no harm in confiding to a friend/relative ..Its almost SOS in such cases. Make it sure that friend/relative shd not have any biasedness towards you or ur wife. He/she shd be able to keep it confidential as well.
Let me understand what do u mean
by :
" to me it looks yr case is you falling for him more than he doing it before marriage. you virtually earned him. "

As far as pre marital affair was concerned , it was not purity based love by XYZ for him .. XYZ was already married with a child while husband was bachlor..... There is no justification for such acts ..if you really love someone you should be bold enough to accept that person before all society .. Leave all things behind n stay with that person only ... Who says to get married if u are already involved somewhere.That XYZ never left her husband but wanted to make my hubby to leave all 3 of us ..LOve or no love does not matter but can u see the selfishness of that XYZ? If it was real love then how could she got involved with anyone else.I did hard work for my marriage ..whatever u call it earning or what ... Its easy to get married but difficult to maintain that relation .I accepted him with all his past ..worked towards making our married life happy altogether .Still i love him very much.Its not my loss if he falls for that XYZ again .
When something get wrong in your relation then all people questiosn u .. what was that which made him run towards that XYZ..Kevin ...there are many things named character , integrity , honesty , maturity , respect for each other , trust etc etc.
AS u have questioned trust .. a call from XYZ or a mail... u know i have left that decision to husband.if it ever happens then it will be extreme limit of foolishness .. i know one thing if you can cheat your spouse you can cheat ur affair partner also ..that XYZ cheated her husband .Now she cheated my hubby ..Its a very clear pattern of having variety .Its a common feature of affairs where AP thinks that he/she is special and will not be cheated but thta never happens . Cheating is cheating .. As far as introspection is in q... then i have done all kind of SWOT analysis and see all events as lacking of maturity in my husband .Whatever i did was in best interest of my family .. if not then i am sure after some time my hubby wil alos realise that .

I understand that right now you are also suffering .It has been said that gut feelings of wife never gets wrong . You did not highlight how was your married life in beginning? When it all started ? There must be a trigger for all such conditions. May be you are innocent but somewhere you are not able to understand your wife .Why she is reacting in that way ?Is communication lacking between both of you ? May be her expectations are not getting fulfilled thats why she is getting suspicious..There are many such points , you need to think about .
Good Luck

2007-03-01

Name: dddd
Subject:

Thanks Anu

Thanks Anu.Yes i do understand how you feel.But tuff situations call for tougher remedies. My husband also says lots of times oh i will commit suicide or i will go back to india or you go back. Sometimes i neglect sometimes i reply sometimes i scream at him. i have to let it out or else i will be a wreck.
why dont u 2 both go for counselling together. in that way u also will have an outlet to release pent up feelings. hey everybody has it. i let it out by screaming sometimes at my husband.
Also do somethings together with your husband say plan a surprise dinner in a restaurant or candlelight dinner at home. next week plan for a movie.next week shopping buy something for your self which he likes and u buy something for him which he likes. i can understand how u feel.sorry for my last post,i thought your husband asked u to cheer him up .
after my husband was repentent and we were separated,i used to miss him. i dont know if it is love.But i am learning to see good things and see my marriage in a fresher perspective.
give it sometime do something together like take a cookery class on weekends together or some other class. the more he is busy with you the more he will forget her.pain is as such ,it will only reduce with time.
as far as handling my husband it had to come sooner or later.and any girl in my place wud have done the same.everybody' s case is unique . different problems need different remedies. only thing we can do is draw from others experience and interpret it for your own case as needed and work.
You are a very sweet woman your husband is lucky to have u . he will come to know very soon. Best of luck.post back.

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