Hi Friends,
It's well past midnight and I am unable to sleep. I want help. My problem is not directly related to any physical discomfort....rather it is more of a socialising kind.
I have been married for two years now and all these years I have gone out of my way to entertain my hbby's friends almost everyweekend. However, those friends still keep dropping in to stay with us for weekends and I do not know how to say no to them. I can't remember any weekend that I have got to spend on my own since April. Infact the situation is so bad that before one guest leaves another has already made plans to payan overnight visit at our place. I have talked to my hubby but he says he is helpless as he cannot say no to his frindes. Don't get me wrong here, HE IS A VERY VERY CARING AND CONSIDERATE SOUL and I do understand the catch 22 situation he is in.
However, I am in the 24th week of pregnancy and I can feel my energies fast depleting and because of all this I am under great tension. I want to spend this time just with my hubby but it seems completely impossible. Infact you will be surprised to know that I have each weekend booked till 17th of this month with someone or the other coming over even on weekdays.

Any suggestions of how I can stop this influx of friends without being rude to them.


anji Ritu replied. Hi Anji,

I can understand your problem..worst is you are know paying for being so nice to people and the ironical fact is that frineds however nice continue to take things for granted and infact get offended when you are unable to continue with something that you have been doing for them.huh !!

I think your husband is a genuinely nice and simple person and if he is having problems saying a no..you might only make things very complicated for him by expecting him to change..as he will feel very awkward making excuses in front of his obviously close friends..but the fact reamins that your responsibilities are growing now and things need to change for a longer term..

I am sure you are a smart girl who can handle the situation all by herself..As Deep mentioned the mistake we make is by giving them the impression that we are absolutely fine... I would suggest u start showing them that u are not too well when they drop in .Lie down for a week ten days (only cook for urself and ur hubby when there are no friends visiting) and when they are over maybe get them to figure out what to do, eat etc, order from outside..Tell your hubby u need him when they are aound and he will not be able to say a no if he feels u are not well..Gradually these friends will realise you are not really too fit to entertain them for the next few months..Aur haan if any of them apologises and says sorry we have caused u so much trouble..then mahan ban kar yeh kahne ki zarrorat nahin hain \"; oh no , it's alright I will be fine soon\";..Just smile and say..\"; Don't say that, but yes I don't feel too well now and am not able to exert at all\";..and also when some friends call up..speak to them in a mari huyi aawaaj and say how are you..i am just a bit tired, not well etc....Keep up the act for a month and the influx should stop..

Ofcourse the best thing is too not to tell your husband too much about it as our husbands can't act (mine can't either)..you can tell him a month or two later and have a laugh over it..

and ofcourse after a month call up these friends once in a while and stay in touch over the phone..

Hope I am not sounding too mean, but I really feel hurt when I see ki zyada acchhe hone ka yeh fal milta hain that people start taking you for granted..

Take Care and be happy and DON'T DO THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO DO..

Priya replied. The best way to get out of such situations is to make other plans involving just the two of you. Drop in on your husband's friends when you can...that way they don't feel like you are completely ignoring them. alternatively, arrange to have dinner outside as a group.
Priya deep replied. hi anji...
it was really touching to read ur situation... i'm sure if were in ur place i wud have fallen apart by now...

u know whta... i think when ur husband says he can't say no- he's not being able to see the problem upfront... one way of making him see it cud be maybe showing u feelw orse than u actually do... i have seen that with some of my friends (my husband's too sweet)... that is u can carry it along for a while... then there is another way.. whenever or if u guys even catch a slightly relaxed moment to each other tell him- isn't this nice!!! just the 2 of us... this is making use of the moment...

well these just afew ideas off the top... ofcourse u cud also make him read simmi's mail.. or any article that u find on father's role in preganancy.... i'll see if i can find one i'll post it here for u... u c an tell him that my husband reads all the stuff on preganancy i have with me... u know when they know others do it they get the idea to do it themselves too....
don't worry everything will be fine... another mistake i feel we make is to show everyone around us that our pregnancy is fine.. we have no problems.... maybe thats the advantage ur guests r taking of.. don't do that... show them u need rest...
hey another idea is... why don't u go off someplace... convince ur hubby u both need a break n go for a nice weekend someplace.. try it out...

well i guess this must do it... hope u these r ideas r of any help to u...
all the best!!!


Simmi replied. Hi Anji. One of my friends was in a similar situation n her husband being polite could not say no to his friends (bachelors, btw). So there can be two ways u can approach this, either say no to them urself, e.g. they have told u the plan, u call them up and tell them sorry, u have something urgent come up and that u should be able to make plans soon! And u could mention lightly, it is exhausting with doctor appointments and social visits etc but as soon as u r sorted with things, u look forward to getting together again etc. Well, before u do that, of course, have a chat with ur hubby and tell him that u feel u need some time n space for both of u together. u want to go out and do things with him as with baby coming, u won't be able to do so much etc. Romance him and come across as vunerable and u wanting support and attention and then introduce the thought of cancelling someone's plans.
Or second approach, u make plans for urself and ur hubby, even if it is a movie outing etc, and say u want to do this first and then the friends can come and visit another time. After u have taken a break and some time out with u and ur hubby together, u would have bought some more time and then u can start saying, the doc says now it is time for u to get indulged by ur hubby, massages, cooking etc hubby does and u just put ur feet up. So u suggest u don't want anything to be complicated at labour time so have to follow doc intstructions so can't socialise as much as would have loved to. That u r sorry too that it won't be like this for a while but soon it will be back to old days once the baby arrives. Putting the baby in the picture always helps cause hubby can never ignore the unborn childs's welfare.
I hope u r able to resolve this issue someway and soon. But like others have said...don't let it bother ur peace of mind and sleep. U shouldn't get upset about it and we r here to hear u out, so don't hold it in.
God bless. Rekha replied. Hi Anji,
I can understand how you must be feeling with all the friends coming up and staying overnite at your place at this time.
Well though its tough to say \";NO\"; to them i think a polite way of doing the same can solve ur problem. I know we want to spend the max time with our hubby these days, talk to him about all the aches and pains and all the emotional changes that we feel.
Your hubby can try to give some excuse to your friends and while talking he can say that you guys have some thing other on. He can say that you get tired quite soon these days and need lots of rest at night time. I know it will be tough but you will have to do something.I find that weekend is the only time we spend best with our hubby, so some sacrifice has to be done.You dont have to be rude with them and i am sure they will understand.
Wish you all the best and take care:-)
rekha payal replied. hi there,
i can understand ur problem even i have this prob sometimes n then talk to my hubby about it.im from the dec board. its nice of ur friends to come n visit u guys but then they should understand ur problems too. i know u feel like being alone with ur hubby atleast once in a week or so .r these friends married if yes then atleast their wives can understand.but most of the times its a prob with bachelor friends cos they dont realize these things.the best solution to this what i think is that ur hubby should let them know casually that u've got plans of ur own n its great of the friends to spend time with u but just this time u guys have to go out somewhere cos then when the baby is there guys cant move out that often or something like that.they r ur friends n they will not feel bad about it they should understand. infact sometimes i tell the friends politely that i want to go out for a day alone with my hubby n that works.dont get tensed about it u know its not good for ur health right now .if nothing else try to stick to ur hubby most of the times when they r at your place u'll feel better n they might get a hint.
take care n dont worry things will go ur way some day