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on Jan 1 2004 my MIL & my husband beat me so hard that i dont know how i am alive today.I can still remember her say( Mar aur Mar)beat her more.My collar bone is fractured with swelling on my back. I said i will call 911 and put both of them in prison. but i did not. cause of my 2kids and I know the laws of America, i was working as legal secretary till the incident took place.
I invited my MIL to come and stay with us. I knew he obeys her but did not know that he would be ready to beat me till i begged for my life.
My husband and his mom talk marathi a language that i dont understand much but i do understand hindi.I did all the house work and took a part time job. They both(his mom and him) got up every saturday and sunday at 4.am and spoke about everything.It was very irritating.
since we live in u.s.a my husband thinks its his responsibily to take care of his younger brother and his wife.When his brothers wife said she cannot have kids till she buys apartment.my husband wanted to give the advance.when i was against it he asked my die and slaped me. my husband says his sister in law (brothers wife) understands him more than i do though i am married for 8year and she is for 2years.This happend last year when we visited india.
i took her out when she was here, brought her stuff and took care of her when sick all for nothing.on dec31 i took my kids to library and when my husband came back she cried and said how she was alone and i tried to seperate the kids from her.Very angry on me my husband did not talk the whole day and on new years they both had lunch outside and did shopping, ignorning me and the kids. Fustrated and angry i wanted to know what i really did. i just wanted my husband to talk to me but he didnt. I said everything my Mil did at home and also said she was here to break my marriage just the way she broke my husbands elder brother marriage and in anger i broke a $10 vase she had presented.Then i was beaten so hard on my face that i could not eat my food for 2weeks and i was pushed and my collar bone broke and both beat me on my back.had swelling on my back for 3weeks. all i did was cry with no help here.I am the only daughter with no sisters or brothers. Now she calls him on cell from india telling him what to do. Sends email and calls him to settle in india. I did forgive my husband cause i dont have a choice, i have 2kids.i dont know how to deal with my husband who has turned into a stranger after her visit.please advice me. LA replied. I can't believe that you are willing to stay in that situation. If you think that staying with a man who beats you, along with his mother, is good for the kids, I believe you are totally mistaken. He could turn around and beat them, and if they see this behavior, it will only scare and hurt them and they might turn out to have many emotional and mental problems because of this.

If you want to forgive you husband and give him another chance, thats fine depending on how many you have given him already. But Please, never consider allowing his mother around you again and NEVER go to India to live with her....your life will literally become hell. You might even face death - that is the biggest fear of mine for you.

I don't think this man can stand up to his mother. I don't think it matters because if he continues to let her control your relationship from India - it will never change. Please look for places/organizations that can help you out of this situation. maya replied. don't be scared about anything ,call 911 and teach them a lesson . Don't be tolrate this anymore. your kids can be effected too much .be brave and fight! neelu replied. i m very much shocked to to read ur story.u shud have immediately called 911 at that time. S replied. Hi Su,

I have a similar story. I never get beatan up that bad, but slap in front of all and insult in front of inlaws is very common and my inlaws like it. My MIL is blind and she get all the sympathy from everyone, but she is a very cunning lady...I have done a lot for her, but now i don't feel like doing anything for anyone. Same case, my husband is charmed with my sister in law and his brother. He can leave me for his family, i m sure of that. When no one is a around, he is perfect, kind gentleman, but in rage of anger, he can do anything to me. I can't respect him anymore. He had beaten me even now when i am pregnant ( yeh, i get shrewd in talking when i get ignored by him all the time and literally nag,though i dont' wish to). He has lended so much money to his brother so far, and they are very smart couple (knows very well how to fool my husband). He get laid off and i did her delivery though i was bleeding for more than a month (I m diagnosed with PCOS, even kept his mother in law at my home for 9 months and she didn't help me out too), but now when i m in need, i don't have anyone by my side. I m 7 and half month pregnant, but m hurt by everyone so much emotionally and physically, that i don't trust anyone. I have turned myself towards god at the age of 28, but still that also doesn't calm me down. All we women need is love, nothing else, isn't it? I did MS here, but don't had job because of bad job market and family problems and circumstances and i have to hear a word \";worthless\"; all the time, but i was told to be on limited activity due to pregnancy and couldn't work. We are having a baby after 6 yrs of marriage and that also after going through crazy treatment, but i don't at all feel like this is our planned pregnancy. When inlaws were not around, my husband was very very nice to me. I have talk about word divorce several times, and by now, he knows that i dont' have courage to go that far, so don't consider me anymore. I m going to have a kid and totally financially dependent on him. I m sure if i decide for it, i m not going to get any support from my parent side (typical old mentality of indians). I m little feminist and revolutionary by nature, but don't have enough courage to take right step. Sometimes i feel like, why am i suffering and bearing things being so literate in country like USA? But i think the way we are raised, our sanskar doesn't allow us to follow certain things. I want to get financially independent first and want to win my husband back. I know its not easy, but still i have a hope that i will be able to make him mine one day. I gave him silent treatment, stayed away from him for almost 5 months, try to explain him things calmly, by shouting, but i think he isn't just getting it. He is normal and good for some time, but as soon as someone else comes in the home, he get carried away. To be honest, i never like mentally weak male as my partner, but you can't judge person's nature in an arranged marriage. Basically i m really confused with my life....I don't know if i should give him some more time and see if he changes once baby comes? And what about his attitude when he is angry? Should i allow him to treat me the same way? Its been seven years and he knows i will just shout, cry and will never do anything about it...and after he slaps me, he feel guilt abt it and try to say sorry several different ways, but i m not able to forget or forgive his rude behaviour. He says you stop yelling or nagging only after i slap you. What a bad way to stop me? Why don't he think that why am i nagging or shouting? May be because i am ignored to that extent. I don't know what to do? Please help....Right now my inlaws are with me, and though i m pregnant, i have to take care of them rather than taking care of myself. I m really tired of adjusting to everyone all the time, specially when my own health is not good. I m planning to call my mother for my delivery, but i m scared for her to stay with them. My mother is very very innocent and i can't see her being treated as a slave in front of me. What should i do? I just want my inlaws to leave for india atleast till i deliver a baby. sanjana replied. This very thing happened in the first year of my marriage.I was beaten up by my husband with my inlaws edging him on.But this problem was escalated by my parents who immediatly asked me to go to my cousins house who lived in the same city and then brought me back to India the same month.After much negociations from relatives on both sides and the promise that this would not be repeated I came back to live with my husband.Since then I have 2 children but verbal abuse continued whenever my inlaws came and twice I have been on the verge of divorce.My husband still continues to rise his hand but now I also hit back.Otherwise my husband is successful,soft and emotional.His behavior at other times also seem like he is crazy of me for he cannot keep his hands offme when he is alone at home with me but frankly I dont trust him any longer.The love is dead from my end and nothing can revive it.I live with him because he provides my children with a good life.When my children are independent,I may just walk out without any regrets.I just want to tell you that this abuse may not end here.so whatever your reason to stay with him,dont let your guard down and yes,dont expect things will change the next time your inlaws are around.Even this valentine when my husband asked me what I wanted,I just told him that if ever he killed me in a fit of rage to give me a decent burial.I really wish you strength thru this phase 'cause you really need it. su replied. hi,
thank u so much for all your support and suggestions.I did feel good after reading all your suggestions.i am just giving him another chance.I know i should be financially independent if ever something like this happens. i pray & just hope it doesnt.I know i cannot forget this for the rest of my life. I am going to feel like I am a prostitute if i have sex with my husband.I know if he loved me he would not have beaten me so hard, or was that the moment when his anger was so high,cause his mom was supporting him to beat me more.when i chatted online with indian men from india and told them about everything that happened to me.some of them said have lots of sex and charm him and every thing will be alright. what do you all think as women? Is every thing going to alright with sex? saheli replied. First I want to pose a question to all the people on this discussion board who suggest that when ur husband is in a good mood try to make him understand. I haven't seen it working at all. Is there any man who understands his wife's point of view when he is in good mood. Do you think a person who has resorted to beating his wife will understand anything. From his behavior he does'nt even feel guilty about it.
If you want to divorce ur husband then this country(US) is the best place to do that. Laws here are so women friendly. If you divorce him, he has to pay the alimony. He has to pay for the kids care too. Actually u will kind of benefit from the divorce. And please after all this, don't think about looking for emotional dependence on him or any other men. If u need emotional dependence then look for a woman. Maybe I or any other woman on this discussion board will offer u that.
One thing is for sure, that u should not let him beat u next time. It is not healthy for ur kids to watch their dad beat their mom. And please don't have hopes on your kids that they will rescue you when they grow up. Thats not the right thing to do. You have to take care of ur self and nobody else can do that for u.
You have lost ur self in this marriage. Try to rediscover urself. Try to think about who you are, what u like and what kind of a person you are. When you are sure of yourself then it will be easy for u to make any kind of decision. Actually I am kind of going through same thing. I am trying to rediscover my self so that whatever decision I make, I will be sure of it.

Good luck to you..
sneha replied. hi su ,
you know it is easy to forgive but difficult to forget .we all are human beings and how ever hard we may try we will never forget ...and whenever again the thought of this beating episode will come to your mind you will feel bad and hurt.what i mean to say ...in nut shell is that though you may forgive him but you would be hurt whenever you will think abut it.i think your husband doesnt want to divorce you ...he also needs you ...but its good that you asked for divorce ...atleast he now knows that you can think of seperating ,i think you should give him one more chance ,
but dont now let the things be same,you have seen other side of his face ,dont forget this ,look after your kids and try to be financially independent,yes from now you should not treat your husband the same way as before .just think that you are with him b ecause of your kids thats all.
i think he is doing all house hold job because he now knows that once mil i s not there he need you to look after it and for this you have to recover so he is just helpibng you to recover.
regarding emotional dependance ,i think it is right not to depenfd onhim as you will further weaken your self by doing it.i really dont think you should depend uponn other man either you can have friends or can chat with us ,once your kids grow you wont need any one to depend upon .
so su ,let your husband do what ever he is doing to please you .but dont forget abut this incidence .there is no need to depend on him emotionally
take care m replied. Dear Su,
I know of a friend who has gone through the same phase you are going through. She had real bad time when her MIL was here. Same beating episode has also happened. But when her in-laws are not around, her hubby is a perfect gentleman.
I think you should talk with your hubby that his behavior is really hurting you. You should be financially independent. As per your MIL is concerned, try to ignore her. Make your hubby understand that by giving money to his brother, he is not really helping them rather he is making them lazy and dependent. Try to discuss the things when things are cool between you two. Also, remind him of his responsibility towards the kids. If you guys are economically sound enough, then I will suggest you to ignore the money lending part and work out closely on your relationship.
And make it very clear to him that whatever happens you are not going to tolerate beating again. You might even have to call 911 if beating happens again. It wouldn't harm him more. For the first time they will just warn him against it.
All the best. s replied. If your husband has a history of domestic violence,I think you should think of breaking free from it but not until you are in a position to support yourself and your children.Till this time don't interfere in his affairs and steer clear of his path.Let your family doctor know about your injuries because incase you need custody rights of your children,your husband's violent behavior will go against him.If you dont want to leave him,just concentrate on bringing up your children and turn a blind eye to what he does.Your children will apreciate your position as they are older and will be your strength in your oldage.Maybe your husband will wisen up with age.My cook was in a similar position till the time her 15 year old son came to her rescueand threatened her husband of bad consequences.In the meantime rest your case with God,he will show the way.May God be with you. sneha replied. hii su
i really could feel what you have been passing through and in just couldnt get the thought out of my mind that you were beaten so much by your husband and mil. you know su i think that one of your weakness or say our weakness is that we think that we should tolerate \";ladkion ko sehen karna hi hai\"; thats what we are taught but when it comes to beating i have also seen many women tolerate because they feel that every thing willl improve once the kids grow up ....but you know what ..if your kids see that you have no value in the house they will treat you the same way ...kids learn from what they see.so you have to earn your self respect ...i know you will fear of your marriage breaking up .....but su don t be scared i thgink you have the right to teach thenm a lesson ...and moreover you are in a country which will protect you ...think abut women in india ,,....
i think you should take action against them ,,,take help from your parents ....they willl help you.....
and just ignore your husband and what ever he does for his family
bye sneha replied. hii su
i really could feel what you have been passing through and in just couldnt get the thought out of my mind that you were beaten so much by your husband and mil. you know su i think that one of your weakness or say our weakness is that we think that we should tolerate \";ladkion ko sehen karna hi hai\"; thats what we are taught but when it comes to beating i have also seen many women tolerate because they feel that every thing willl improve once the kids grow up ....but you know what ..if your kids see that you have no value in the house they will treat you the same way ...kids learn from what they see.so you have to earn your self respect ...i know you will fear of your marriage breaking up .....but su don t be scared i thgink you have the right to teach thenm a lesson ...and moreover you are in a country which will protect you ...think abut women in india ,,....
i think you should take action against them ,,,take help from your parents ....they willl help you.....
and just ignore your husband and what ever he does for his family
bye anon replied. Dear su,

Firstly, dont yell or threaten, because that only shows your weakness. Try to be calm as possible because you are amist very shrewd women, your mil and co-siser. Somehow your co-sister has charmed your mil and husband. Forget about your husband helping his brother and his wife. Of course it hurts to see your husband helping monetarily. But why prevent when you are going to get beaten up. Only if you have a unharmed body can you look after your kids. See that your husband and mil dont ask for your money and dont harm you. Charm your mil and husband in the same way your co-sister is charming them.

take care