Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi all,
well after reading all the messages even i cudn't stop myself from entering this board.
i do have a lot of stuff to write down.Just to vent it here b'coz we don't get any chance to talk these things to anybody .
my husband is software engg.r and i came with him a new birde to the US .
i am from a middle class family but my in laws family is very rich.RICH in a very currupt way which i cud realize after i jioned this family .
both of my inlaws are retired from very high govt posts.
they long to visit their only son(my hubby)every summer!
i got along very nicely in their firsttrip here .
but only because i kept my muoth shut at tht time !
from the very day they arrived they started teasing my to make me feel down ,tht i am not a right choice for their son !( see....IT was an arranged marriage!)
then because i said something about my motherin law to my husband(tht not to disturb her she is in 'pooja')and my FIL insulted me like anything in front of my husbands friend !AND told me tht i am trying to spoil the atmosphere in home by trying to make distances in son and mother.
anyway i cried in my bedroom and kept my mouth shut again .
everything wnet smooth they went back to india .
next year as i was pregnant i asked my husband to call my mother for helping.and he did so ,my mother came here ,but unfortunately my delievry was so much so complictaed tht even she alone was terrified to see all my pain .i was just near to death !
somehow i was recovering slowly ...but my husbnad inside his mind was very anxious to call his parents (they are both above 65 age)so i was quite not sure tht they will be able to help !
anyway
after a month of my delivery i had another emergency in which the doctoe saved my life from death!my husband got scared and called his parents to come here!
and oh my god i was again scared to death after hearing this.
they arrived here .it still amonth for my mom to return to her country.my MIL said i whatever cunning things she had in mind after coming here .like my mother was not of any help .etc.

MY MIL asked my husband tht can they take the charge of the baby and keep the baby in their room .I was totally agaist tht.And my husband agreed to my opinion .
AFter tht BOTH of them used to rush in my room whenever the baby made any sounds.
they wanted the baby to be in thier room so they tried to place his crib in thier room and and the swing too .but somwhow i didn't let it happen .
my behaviour toward them was getting worse because of all the sheet they were talking and doing to me


my MIL treats my FIL like a slave.so he was readyly availbale for slavery .but till the my motehr was here my MIL treated her like a slave .and after she was gone my FIL was there to do the dishes and evrything.

After a while when my husband was gone to work my FIL started to taunt me tht i am taking too much of rest i should start the houshold work (when i was not able to stand on the ground for morethan 5 mins)I used get too much tensed .
My MIL was not ready to eat the food from outside.and she was reluctant to prepare it at home.What was i supposed to mean?
i started preparing some food and doing all my work by myself and for the baby after my mother left .
Both of them didn't eat whatever i cooked !!it wud reamain as it is on the table.

i tried to tell my husband what was going wrong but he was stuck to his decision of not speaking a word with them about what was going on .And he was not ready to utter a word to let them know my feelings.
he asked me to go ahead and speak whaever i feel wrong to both of them .

One day i lost my temper and told them about all the wrong wrong things they did to me .

after i was done telling their wrongfull deeds ...all the threee began to cry a loud !!!!and they made me feel guilty of whatever i said .
and what i said was jsut the truth everybody knew about i was not arrogant while telling tht or i was not speaking lie !
my husband kept saying all i said was a lie!!!
and then he told do whatevr you want my mom and dad ar egoing stay with me .and tht i knew .it was all about me...they were a damn concerned about me.THEY WERE ALL UNITED .
ALL THESE 2 YERAS all i supposed tht my husband loved me ...was wrong ..i was nobody .Then because my mother advised me to ask beg apology i did so to all theree of them .
MY FIL AND MIL went back after a month because i was not in agood health to manage the household work and even they were not!but for one month my FIL was doing all stuff.anyway ,,they went and it was all start of a wrong phase of my life.

After they went my husbunad started blaming me for all the things happened!
he started blaming me even with routine things a did which i used to do earlier .
like i kept an eye on the money he spend for his parents etc.
then his parents blamed about me to my paretns tht i kept all the jewellry (which they had presented in the recent trip!)was i supposed to return it?


mann life is like this ..
i dunno how shud i behave ?my MIL is poisoning my husband .And he has become blind .She is just after breaking our relation,
anyway ,i am trying to bend down and save my marriage whenever i get a blame i try clarify myself and always beg him to forgive me .
this is my life .I am the NEXT SLAVE is this family after my FIL.
thts it girls
bye for now

thanks for reading .

maithili
Shivani replied. It was disturbing to read your situtation.But I think that you need to act smart. Since you are staying away from your in-laws, don't spoil your relations with your husband.First, don't talk about your in-laws to him and whenever you do , just show your sincere concern towards them(fake). This will make him forget about whatever happened at the last visit and you can start afresh. Second as suggested in an earlier reply, make your child the focus and make your husband also share your focus. Last, stay away from your in-laws as long as possible coz its your life and nobody has he right to hurt you or lower your self-esteem. saheli replied. After hearing your story, I was filled with sadness. I have gone through a lot myself but when i hear you I feel whatever I suffered is nothing.
First things first. Don't consider yourself a slave. This is the tragedy of Indian girls. Our upbringing is such that we don't have the courage to break free from the marriage and we don't want to hurt our parents so we try to make our marriage work. THe whole onus of making marriage work is on us.
Anyway now u know that your husband supports his parents which should not come as a shock to you. Nothing new in it. After marriage they have this uncontrollable love towards their parents. Honestly most Indian men have very sick upbringing where after marriage their parents become their spouses. I know lot of people on this board might disagree coz they might not have experienced this sickness that I am talking about but atleast for me this is the truth.
If divorce is out then this is the best deal you have in your life. I think u did a mistake by yelling at ur in-laws. It does'nt work that way for women.
You should just look at your baby and nothing else. Take care of him and make him ur focus. If your husband is picking on you then just ignore it coz most of the time the arguemnets don't go anywhere. People might tell you to explain ur point of view to your husband but I feel that no matter what you say he will always feel his parents are right. So there is no point in this. When ur in-laws come again then it is better not to have such a showdown. Try to make some friends circle. Take your kid to a play group or something. That way u will have an excuse to stay out of the house. Also if possible take up some job. It will require lot of patience and hard work from you.
You should just get your work done. Don't worry about the means. Don't ever have your ego when dealing with your husband and in-laws. Just focus on what you want and use anybody u can to get it. THats how these people should be dealt with. As far as husband is concerned, if you don't complain about ur in-laws and try to avoid any fights with him, he will gradually forget whatever happenend.
Just focus on ur kid and move on and remember even if you have to say sorry just say it but never mean it coz its not your fault. Actually in this world even if it is your fault, never own it up.