Dearest AY,

You've been through something that was unexpected and in my opinion the hardest thing a mother can ever know... It isn't fair that you've lost your beautiful Ashyan but you must not feel guilty if you manage to smile or something makes you laugh. Think about how you felt when you first found out you were expecting. Think about how you felt when you held your handsome son in your arms...

Didn't you say they were the only moments you felt comfort? Isn't that what Ashyan gave you, I think so. And more than that I know he would want for you to be happy. No child ever wants to see their parent hurting and I know that he is hoping that you can find your beautiful smile, I just know it.

As for putting on a brave front I know that if I told you not to you still would. It is something we women do, I do it myself. But cry all you need to because you must release some of your pain. I thought I couldn't cry and I posted because I was scared something was wrong with me but Ritwik posted something that made me think he was angry with Ishani and it hurt and I cried and then as I read on I realised he was forcing tears so that for what ever reason it came it kept coming... And eventually I did cry just for Ishani and I am still crying, I don't know when the tears will end but I know that one day every memory I have no matter how sad, I will be able to smile.

It is just unbleievable to hear that your child is gone... The words \";I'm Sorry\"; have no meaning and nothing can help you accept the truth but your child. I know exactly what you meant when you said you didn't believe it. I went through the same, I knew something wasnot right and part of me said UHUH! THATS WHAT IT IS... But the rest of me scramed NO. Oh I am just so sad for you AY. I don't know how to say I am sorry in a way that will make you believe that but I am. I hate that you've gone through this.

I am not superstitious either but on the day we had Ishani my son woke up and told me that he dreamt that the baby had died. I wonder often if children have a second knowledge, if the know more than we do... Hearing your daughter did the same has me believing it may just be true. Did the doctors give you any answers as to why Ashyan passed on? We were told Ishani died because the knot cut off all supply of oxygen but when I recieved her death certificate the cause was unexplained fetal death. We recieved the death notice the other day and it brought back all the pain but to read unexplained broke my heart. I called the hospital and spoke with the doc's and they said it is unexplained because they can't explain why the knot was there.

I made all our funeral arrangements on my own. My hubby couldn't deal with it and his family are in India. I'd had a falling out with my family because they were angry I took my children to see Ishani. I was told by the hospital social worker it was best, that it would explain her death more than words but they accused me of showing them \";a rotting corpse\";. It is hard isn't it AY? So hard to make preparation to say goodby before you've even said hello.

All my docs have said is that I need to see a specialst OB/GYN and keep kick chart... I'll also have monthly u/s to check the cord and should there be a problem they'll deliever by c-section. I asked Archie and she said also that a c-section would be performed as it knots tighten during labour & birthing. Actually if you post a message to Archie she'd have a wealth on info to offer you. Take care Ay and keep posting... I'm always here if you want to talk and try to smile for little Ashyan because I know he'd love his momma to do that... Remember that people can only dream of angels but you actually got to hold one AY replied. Hi Radha,

I think your words are like a rock for a lot of us who are unfortunately forced by fate to be part of this forum. I admire the fact that you take time to research information to answer questions.Please keep us posted if you do conceive.I'll pray for Ishani to be back in your arms healthy and happy.

Love
AY