As it is there is so much here. Tears just rolled out and I did not even realize. A big hug to all of you. It's a tough reality. What can I say you two are strong. God bless. Radha, start looking for a caring gyne. Both of you bore Angles, who went back to God and will always be watching.

As for me, I am okay. There are cramps. last friday there was spotting, which freaked me out, but no incidence after that. Two weeks from now is the u/s, so I will keep you posted. Thanks a lot dear. I will keep both of you in my prayers. May God give you more strength.

NO NO NO!!! I honestly didn't wish to hurt you babyonmind! TRULY! All I wanted was for you to feel as though you could let us all here go so that you can move forward with your pregnancy. I feel so awful to have upset you. STAY!! STAY STAY STAY... I really enjoyed talking with you babyonmind. You seem a sweet and wonderful person and I loved our correspondance. I'd like to keep in touch with you and hear how everything is going and you know I am praying for you to have a safe healthy pregnancy.

I was trying to be helpful Babyonmind. Cramping in a healthy pregnancy is normal and I felt that were you to ask others due around the same time as you they could reassure you that it is ok. I think everyone here would automatically believe it could be a miscarriage. I didn't want you getting the worst case senario unnecessarily when my biggest wish is for you to just enjoy each moment you have with this baby of yours with out fear.

Please go see your obstetrition about this bleeding and pain you're having ASAP Babyonmind. I do not want you to loose this baby that you've wished so hard for. Take care and rest as much as you can please. Stick around babyonmind... I luv ya! Just be sure to keep up with others going through the same as I believe it might be very good for you. I'm always here if you need me... Hugzzzzz

Hi Radha,
I don't know, somehow I got attached to you. I don't think so my dear I can let you go just like that my friend. I am sorry to say, but this did upset me. I have joined the club and been keeping in touch. this is such good place to have nice comfort and let me tell you my friend you really answered my questions and I learnt a lot from you including getting a lot of emotional support. Thanks for wishing really nice for me. I like it. I have been feeling good all these days, but today again there is some bleeding with pelvic and legs pain. Fri, Sat there were parties, yesterday Shivratri and today I exerted while making lunch. I am hoping that is why only. This week I have u/s appointment, I will let you know.
Take care Radha. Also, my m/c, I don't think much about it now. God will do everything for the best. We don't have control over somethings.

Hey Babyonmind,

Glad to hear you're ok, remember that as your beautiful baby is growing so s/he'll be stretching your womb and cause some mild cramps. Sounds like everything is going well in your pregnancy which is just wonderful! I hope everything continues along these lines for you, have you joined a due date club yet? If not, you must because you will be needing the shared comfort of other pregnant women soon as they'll be experiencing similar things to you and the best advice will come from them. Everyone here will always be around to support you in every way but ultimately you need to move forward... You need to enjoy your pregnancy and somehow I feel that indulging too deeply in others loss might keep reminding you of yours when you should be enjoying what you have now...

I hope that my post has came across in a way that isnt upsetting. You were such a comfort to me and I cant thank you enough for that. But I want you to let go of your past hurts if you can and make the most of this pregnancy. And hey, other mom's in your position would be experiencing very similar things so they might be best able to support you through your pregnancy.... I am so happy for you Babyonmind and I wish you a healthy and safe pregnancy with a beautiful baby in your arms... Keep us posted!!! Hope to see you around always but more than that I hope to keep hearing good news from you

Radha,

I can definitely feel your anger. I lost my baby on Jan 1st,2006 due to severe placental abruption. I reside in US and recently spoke to a friend staying in India and she told me that she had gotten Level 2 U/S done at her doctor's recommendation even though she had problem free pregnancy.I on the other hand had preeclampsia with my 1st pregnancy and I live in US and still my doctor didn't tell me to get it done.I sometimes feel so suffocated and want to pull my hair for not watching out my baby.I too am going to see a high risk specialist in a few days to evaluate my options for future.

Hi Radha,

Thanks for putting together the words so beautifully.Everything that you write gives me a lot of strength.I am now back at work after 6 weeks of recovery .Few days back I came across the poem which you posted on a different thread and have now put it in my cubicle.Every time I read it,tears dwell up in my eyes.I too put up a strong front but inside I just want to cry incessantly till I am devoid of tears.I feel guilty about smiling, being happy or enjoying anything.

We were expecting a little boy who was due in March06.We didn't know about his gender till his birth but since we already have a daughter both of us were hoping for a son.I had my last U/s done in November and I asked my doctor not to tell us the sex but give us pictures.But my sneaky baby positioned himself such that doctor couldn't tell it either. He kept moving a lot, but despite a little poking didn't unravel himself.Actually I told a friend of mine at work that this baby has been such a mystery right from the start.Who knew he would become a mystery forever.In December he had really started kicking a lot specially when I ate Chinese food for lunch. Movements were much less in the last week of December. I thought about that but didn't think much of it since with my first pregnancy my daughter barely moved even towards the end of pregnancy and she was fine at birth. So I assumed that it is just how my body is.
It eats me inside why I didn't pay more attention to what my baby was telling me.

I felt energetic all along and the thought of slowing down never occurred to me.Lying on the bed used to make me restless.We had a small get together on Dec 31st and I was fine till noon on Jan1st. That's when dull lower abdominal pain started.I mistook it for false contractions and tried to relax by lying down.
But in 2 hours, I almost fainted and that's when we rushed to the hospital.Nurse tried to find baby's heartbeat and commented that he is doing a good job of hiding it.Doctors brought in portable U/S machine and delivered the dreaded words..."We are sorry".I was in excruciating pain at that time and nothing made sense to me. I didn't believe it was true. I chose to have a C-section done as I was hoping that may be like my last pregnancy, they will open me up and a healthy living baby will come out.My husband accompanied me to the OR.Our child was brought to us in the recovery room. His body felt warm to touch.
His face had turned blue( I suppose from lack of oxygen) but rest of his body was pink. He weighed more that 2 lbs and 17 inches in length and looked like a newborn napping after being fed.Nurse took my pictures with baby.I stayed at the hospital for 4 days and could see him whenever I wanted.His body would be ice cold everytime they brought him to me after that day.Holding a dead baby in my arms didn't freak me out. Actually that was the only time I felt calm and could catch some sleep with him in my arms.
I remember being upset when once they got my child with his head covered under the blanket.

We too were sent home with a memory box, first clothes and blanket that he was dressed in.We don't have any relatives living close by, so it was tough arranging for funeral.I hadn't decided on a name by then. I finally chose "Ashyan" to be engraved on stone above his grave.I often find myself holding him in my dreams and imaginations and all the happy stuff that I could have been doing if he was here.And how happy my 3 year old daughter would have been.She used to kiss my tummy whenever I asked her to kiss the baby.I'm not superstitious person but just a few days back when I asked her to give baby a kiss, she refused and said "Baby gone".

I know time is a great healer and we will all come out of this stronger and resilient with each other's help.Please keep me posted what your specialist says, what questions you asked him and how does he plan to track your progress if you do get pregnanct again?

Hi AY,

First of all let me tell you that I am so very sorry that you have lost your baby. Noone can know what you're feeling or going through... Not even those who have suffered the same because for everyone it is different. I have an idea of what you are dealing with right now and I want to tell you that these will be the hardest moments of your life but I believe that there is a silver lining ahead.

You have a child already so I am fairly sure that you've told yourself many times that you need to be grateful for that. Yes and No... Yes you're lucky to have a lovely hcild but NO nothing is ever going to make you feel that the loss of your baby was worth while. We expect to bring home a bundle of joy and instead we got heartbreak and tears. There were days I simply hated to be near my other children and other days when I couldn't bare to be parted from them, this is pretty normal so if you find yourself a little more cranky or clingy it is ok. But do you know what we have received that no one else will ever have??? We will always have a real and true appreciation of our children that only parents who've lost a child can know and that is pretty wonderful!!!

What are the names of your children? Tell me about the beautiful child you lost in January. Sometimes I could scream because I have so much to say about my Ishani and it seems the world wants to forget her so if you feel like sharing please do! I would love to hear all about him or her. You know, I found myself thinking that Jan 1st is a lucky birthday and that every new year will bring you happy and sad memories of your lost angel... In time they'll all be good I am told

Cling to the good memories AY and let the sad ones go as best you can. Babies are supposed to bring you joy and I am sure if you look hard enough you'll find many good moments that you would like to remember. The sad ones will remain but in time they won't be as important as all the happy ones.

NOW!!! Any responsibility you might feel is absolutely WRONG!!! We are not doctors and are not aware of the many little signs and symptoms that need to be watched. It is up to our doctors to inform us and more so it is important that they LISTEN to our problems no matter how small. But more than anything we need to remember that babies are fragile and they do die... It is a subject that is rarely spoken of and that is why society is so very shocked when a baby dies... We just never hear about it happening... But it happens and it happens so much more than you may ever realise. You would be surprised just how many women have been through the same and that in itself in a comfort... because there are people who can understand

I am sure you have heard all about Suden Infant Death Syndrome and you know just how much media attention it gets but what about S.A.N.D(stillborn & neonatal death) Do you know that 10 times more babies die of S.A.N.D than S.I.D.S? I dont mean to say that one loss is more or less than another but in some ways people who have lost a live child have much more support because others too knew the child and grieve for it and many more memories.

What do you have for memories of your angel? Have you been given a memory box? Or a memory blanket? Did you or the hospital take photographs of your child? What I would suggest, and these are things that have been told to me so I can not take credit, is that you try to collect as many memories as you can. Write about your experiences about your little one, memories of your pregnancy, little things your baby did like when s/he was awake, did they kick alot etc... Write about the birth and your recollections upon hearing the sad news... You can also ask your partner to write something as well. These are very important... Did you see your baby AY? I am sure s/he was just lovely so never be afraid to share that.

When we had Ishani's funeral I was insistant that it was not to be a sad occasion. The only people who attended was my Husband, my children and our two best friends because I wanted it to be intimate and frankly our families were unsupportive so we excluded them. We released balloons with little gifts atteched because my children really wanted to send these gifts to heaven with Ishani. Tied to the balloons were pictures our children drew, letters from us to our angel baby and a photo we had taken of us with Ishani.

AY it is a sad fact that life will move on far sooner than you're ready to accept... Others will put this tragedy behind them while you are still greiving, you might even notice that your husband has moved on long before you will. Don't be angry with anyone for this, no one truly knows the pain a mother can feel. NO ONE!! And please know that men grieve differently, they often find returning to work helps them while many women just want to sob. You know, my husband just said he was sorry to me yesterday regarding Ishani's death... It was a LONG 3 months I waited to hear those words and in the end I had to ask... Men are just different

Never be afraid to talk about your baby if that is what you wish to do. Some people won't be comfortable but it isnt your job to provide that, you have suffered and it is important that you allow yourself time to grieve... You need to do what feels right for you. I have many photos of Ishani around our home and there are some of my friends who don't like it and that is their problem because she is still our daughter and how we decide to honour her is our choice. Even when I was the only one here who wanted those photos up I still fought to do so and now my hsband & children are happy for it.

AY I don't really know what else I should say to you that will be of use right now... Anytime you wish to come here for support I will be around to help you in anyway I can because I know just how hard the silence can be. There will be times when others and myself won't know what to say but I am 'feeling for you' and I will always try to find some words of comfort. That is the very best I can give you. Take care and please try to find a reason to smile for your lovely angel baby.