Dear Kat
I have been reading you mails since you were pregnant and also after.
Radha loss of someome close is the hardest thing anyone would ever go through for you it is harder as this was a little baby that spent 9 months with you, but tell me something you trying to torture yourself-will it bring ishani back? then why do it?! you have 2 beautiful children who are depending on you for your love and unconditional love ishani will always be in your heart but these children are here and need you more then ever.
You cannot blame yourself for what has happened and neither can you justify it with a million why and hows because you will not nhave an answer for this.
you daugter was an angel and she spent 9 months with you and that is all god intended for her stay with you.
Death is always hard to deal with whne close ones are the ones lost but we have to move on dear we have to for the ones we love and the ones we that have left us behind time will heal and have faith in god. Donot do this to yourself because god doesnt iwant us to physically torture ourselves.
You need to to seek help and if you like come on the board and talk to us this will make you feel much better knowing there are ppl that care.
Priya July 2005
K.Radha replied. Hi Priya,

Sorry it took so long to reply, I didn't quite know what to say so I felt it best to think about my response first. I don't know why I've done silly things like cutting myself. I wouldn't say I am torturing myself... It is hard to explain what it is that drves me to do it but it isn't to punish myself... I think it is just so that I am reassure myself that I could feel something... I'd been numb for so long that I began to have serious doubts about my abilty to feel anything... It has been 8 1/2 weeks since 'Shani died and I thought I should be feeling something by now... I don't know how to explain this but the numbness I was feeling was frightening. To feel nothing is more scary than it is to feel everything.

Emotionally I was devoid of all feeling regarding Ishani's death. I believe it was a combination of fear that I might 'discover' resentment towards 'Shani for dying, my need to be the strong one, conditioning to only seek positives, depersonalising the situation or out right shock but something prevented the grieving process from starting.

I have actually started crying lately... Someone made a post that for some reason caused me to feel anger that they might suggest Ishani wouldn't listen, wouldn't respond... As I read on I realised that the words that were being said were thoughts I was afraid to voice... Thoughts I felt must have meant I harboured resentment at her for her death... I know now I was wrong... I wonder when I will stop looking at babies and wondering to myself \";is this what 'Shani would be doing now?\";... On the whole babies do not affect me unless they happen to be of Indian origin like Ishani... In a way it is easier to live this way as there are not too many Indians in our area so I am not forced to face children that make me think \";\";Shani might have been like that\";. And my hubby and I avoid visiting places that do have a higher Indian population there. Dining out is a BIG no-no at the moment but I have expanded my knowledge of Indian recipes as a result. :D

I will be returning to work shortly. I think getting back into the real world might improve things. At the moment I sit for hours looking at Ishani's pictures and holding the blanket she was wrapped in... Would you believe it still smells of her? I am not ready to begin packing up the nursery, I secretly think I want it to stay that way forever or until I am able to bring a child of our own home to it... I don't know if that is a healthy response but it is early days so I may indeed change my mind.