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Please help and advise me soon!! I have critical situation right now. My problems are my in-laws and husband who blindly loves and obeys his parents. I have no other issues with my husband other than his parents creating disturbance in our lives. I am trying to write briefly but still it will be long…Sorry but please read it.

I got married 41/2 yrs back in India. My husband stayed only 12 days after our marriage and went back to Canada so we did not get enough time to develop close intimacy. I had to wait for my immigration for 7 months in India and had to stay most of the time with my in-laws. My in-laws pretended to be good to me before marriage but they treated me horribly after that. They hurt me emotionally as much as they could. My mil used to feed false things to my husband on phone because of which my husband and me always had fights over the phones. My mil created lot of misunderstanding in our relationship. Those 7 months were the worst nightmare of my lifetime. My mother-in-law hates everyone especially my parents and relatives. My parents had to take all the responsibilities and expenses related to my immigration- filling the forms, passport, took me Delhi for medical examination, tickets to Canada and finally Delhi airport. My in-laws did not even come to Delhi. My parents and me were very upset but I could not do anything b’coz my mom and me were scared that my life would be destroyed and we thought that once I’ll join my husband in Canada everything would be fine.

When I came to Canada, I received a warm welcome from my husband and have been living with him for close to 4 yrs now. I know that my hubby loves me but he loves his parents more than me. His parent especially his mother is very possessive and controls him like a puppet… obviously he is also very ideal, dedicated, obedient son. His parents want to settle with us permanently in Canada. My husband says that he actually wanted to sponsor his parents soon after our marriage but hasn’t been able to do so b’coz of me. Two years back when we went to visit family in India, he helped his parents to complete all the formalities related to immigration forms. The only thing left is signing of papers from our end. He wants me to co-sign the application but I was able to avoid/postpone it somehow. I think he wants me to sign b’coz I’m working.

Last year his parents visited us for few months. Few weeks later, my hubby lost his job and was staying all day at home with them. I tried to do all my duties as a DIL but did not had very personal talks/closeness with my PIL to avoid any arguments. My hubby and his parents got upset about it. Behind my back (when I was at work), they complained about me to my hubby. I had a big fight over this issue with my husband. He said that his parents warned him that they would never step in our house if I do not show any emotional closeness with his parents. Finally, I had to apologise to my hubby and his parents to calm everyone down.

Soon after his parents left for India, our relationship was back on track. But just a month later, we got a very dramatic and aggressive letter from my mil to take final decision about their immigration. My FIL is retired but mil is still working. She wrote that if we were to say no for their immigration, we should sign an attached letter (which she wrote herself on our behalf) and send them immediately. My hubby looked very upset for few weeks but we didn’t discuss it. I overheard my hubby talking to his parents over the phone “Mom, I’m sorry I cannot sign the immigration forms until I find a job”. Fortunately my husband found a job 31/2 months later i.e. Jan 2003 but unfortunately we received a similar letter with even more harsh words from my mil. My hubby and me too much fight almost kill each other over this issue. My hubby’s elder brother who also lives in different city in Canada does not take initiative regarding this issue. It is very unreasonable for my hubby to push me to take his parents responsibility. I’m scared and feel very insecure about my future relationship with my hubby when his parents come to live with us permanently. I already had lot of discussion/arguments/fights regarding this issue for the last few months with my hubby but all in vain. On the contrary, my husband blames my family or me for whatever had happened in the past. He tells me to forget everything that had happened but it is easy to say than done. He says that his parents are innocent and very nice people and so I should give them respect and embrace them as my own parents. When I asked him as to why he did not take any responsibility related to my immigration/tickets to Canada; instead of understanding my emotions he says he is ready to send money to my parents.

I love my hubby but have developed hatred in my heart for his parents. I’m very stressed for past 3 months. I’m very hurt because my hubby does not understand my feelings at all. I also feel that all my friends are lucky to have very understanding husband and I’m the unlucky one. None of my friends have their in-laws staying with them permanently. Also, my in-laws have very orthodox/traditional views and my husband wants me to adjust and change according to his parents. Just to give an eg. My hubby and me cannot sit close to each other or hold hands in front of them and restrictions of clothes on me. My hubby is looking for an ideal situation where his parents and me both should be happy at the cost of my sacrifice only. I’m 29 yrs and not able to think about having kids because of this issue. Please advise me, what should I do in such a situation. Also, if anyone has experience of such a situation, please let me know.


arti replied. Hi Nidhi,
How r u?/
I m new in this forum. so didn't read your problem when it was.
Now how is your life going. I hope you found the solution of your problem
Actually i have the same problem .because of the same reason i don't want to leave with my In -laws. We have to back to India next year ,as my husband decided. But i don't want to leave with my ILs.becaue i hate them due to the same reason.
What should i do in this situation.
Please help me.
ann replied. your story is so similar to mine that it feels it is my story.
i had to take recourse to meditation to save my sanity. because of my husband constantly shouting at me over instigation from both inlaws for not getting enough dowry/ not coming from a pedigreed family etc. and we were living in england at the time. our two lovely children went thru such trauma hearing his threats and insults. and u want to know that he was a cardio thoracic surgeon and i a lecturer in child psychology in a uk university. my dad is an FRCS from edinburgh /uk and my mom from a very wealthy coal mines owner family.
how did we come out of it?
the best way is to win your husband over with patience and peace. and your fears are not irrational. they are based on reality, therefore dont ever sign that paper unconditionally. if it makes him happy to bring his parents over to canada then make him understand that they can live nearby somewhere but not in your home since they dont like you or your family from day one and there is no rapport between you three. it is unfortunate but then it has to be faced, also that it happens to a lot of people. so for the sake of peace all around it is best for them as well as you if you were allowed to keep your distance from them and interacted with respect and the formalities due. its better than fighting and squabbling as no one would be happy in that scenario. let me know if this helps. have faith in your self. it is not your fault that some people just take an instant dislike to us. i ahve accepted it as previous birth karma and this helps in some ways. best wishes
your symapathizer ria replied. my husband is just like your's but my in laws are not bad as yours.but my husband only belives what they say,but now i don't care what they say,i just do things the way i think is right.you do what you think is right,
rk replied. hi nidhi

Firstly u need to have an honest conversation with ur hubby as to what his expectations i marriage. if its simply to obey his wish and command then tell him its not on ..afterall its ur life and you are going to be with him for a life time. I stay with my inlaws and sister in law , they are all cranky but the trick is to ignore coz if u start taking everything to heart then u will spoil your life. Its difficult i know but just pretend they dont exist. Be cordial and respect them but within limits. Keep your self esteem and dont do things that are against your beleif. Talk to your hubby and tell him its high time he beleives in you , trust u to do the right thing and no listen to what his parents say about, if he still doesnt behave then u have to face the truth live life long of this emotional torture...or leave him which is difficult .Ideal situation doesnt exist at all . Be positive. live your life happily instead of live unhappily for others. The most important person is you. SO focus on that, have a baby if it will make u happy. DOnt wait for the ideal situation. And impotantly talk to ur hubby an be strong in your decisions
RK