Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have been married for 6 years. We dont have a child yet. Last year things were rough between us. Fights over little things. We were both overly engrossed in our careers that we didnt spend time with each other. We fought over my mother in law troubles and so on and so forth. I was so irritated that it felt like i shouldnt be in marriage. I had an affair with a friend, I thought i should tell my husband and decide once for all. But somewhere I felt i felt I still wanted to be in this marriage. Am not justifying one bit of what I did. I know what i did was wrong completely.
Things started to smooth out in marriage and i decided to be in it. I didnt tell my husband about this affair and i havent till date.
I know my husband has a right to know. I should tell him and let him decide how he wishes to react. In my heart sincerely i know i made a mistake. I want to be in this marriage. I dont know what to do. Somehow i had decided that i dont have to destroy his life by sharing my guilt with him and confessing my mistakes. But on other hand i also think that its his right to know that i cheated on him. Can you please say something if you have to. I am willing to face the consequences either way. I dont want to be with the guy i was having an affair with. Its over the day i decided to be with my husband.
I know I seem like a horrible person to all the ladies here but i hope you can comment on something.
PS i dindt post this in extra maritial affairs since I wanted a more women oriented reply.
Serena replied. guy here ! i just wanted to reply to your question. I was completely honest with the AP. He knew exactly how and what I was feeling all along. I didnt cheat on him but Yes I cheated on my husband.
All along i had convinced myself to bury the past and not bring it up until sometime ago my husband and I were talking over this new movie Kabhi alvida and he dissaproved if secret affairs and that the truth be confessed at any cost. Its that when it hit me that probably what I think is not what everyone belives in.
I am sure that once I tell my husband everything is destroyed including my husbands faith in life. We are expecting our first child pretty soon and this truth will take everything away from him.
I dont want to hide this to make my life comfortable since this guilt eats me every single day. I am prepared to face the consequences and i should be able to live with it is what i feel.
But I'll feel terrible seeing my husbands life destroyed and shattered.
Lastly thanks for sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate it



Meethi replied. Serena,
Was your affair just a fling--like a window to escape from your marital problems? To me it seems so, and not any serious emotional bondage between you and the AP. In that case, let the past be burried under the layers of time and don't carry the baggage on your heart as long as NOW you are commited to make your married life a blissful, happy and deeply satisfying union for both, you and your hubby. Invest your emotional energy in such a way that your hubby automatically comes to share a deep,really connected relation with you. Then, sometime in future even if he comes to know about your short-lived affair (not from you, somewhere else), then at least he will be able to understan,forget and forgive you. But since in a recent past you had some tensions with him, you should not confess it otherwise he may fail to understand exactly why this affair happened in first place!If you are really feeling guilty,confess it to your god (whichever one you worship)with a VERY TRUE feeling of penance and ask him repeatedly to forgive you and help you make your married life successful...again and again,with a pure heart! This works much better than anything else.
Good luck for a happy married life.. Ritika replied. Please don't confuse your trying to lessen your guilt with your husband's \" right to know\" .

I'm not sure I understand you..you are saying that you know you'll \" destroy his life by sharing your guilt and confessing your mistake\" , yet you still want to go ahead and do the same!!

If you want to live happily with your husband in future, please do not tell him as it will only effect your marital life in a negative way. Len replied. Dear,
I appreciate your feelings. However, my suggestion is just forget about the past, and try to build up the bondage between you and your husband. Things will worsen if you tell him this. No man would appreciate his wife for being truthful after she has had an affair. This will make him feel lower and he may lose his self-confidence, as well as his confidence in you. Let him not know of your ugly past. Why do you ever think of your ex-AP? Throw him away from your mind. That was an unwanted chapter and tear those pages. Be happy with your loving husband and make him happy too. Goodluck!! Woman here !! replied. Hi,
Being a Woman and after going thru a betrayal from my hubby (which he calls friendship and I call affair) I suggest donot Confess !!!
I was so happy and wish so much I never knew abt his secret friendship which would have anyway ended over time as we had no marital problems !
But now this is a scar on my heart and hurts everytime I get the bitter memories.
So my suggesstion is If your Ex BF is not creating any sort of problems (like blackmailing etc).. just forget abt it and move on with hubby.
You confession is not going to make any good to anyone .. It can only make you feel less guilty.
I would suggest Live with the guilt and let him live in peace !!!

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guy here! replied. Dear Sarena,

I understand you are looking for women oriented reply, still felt like sharing my thoughts on the subject.

I deeply appreciate your thought that you feel \" its his right to know that i cheated on him.\" I am touched by this sincerity of yours.

But still I wish to suggest you the opposite but in certain circumstances. I do have a concern for your Affair Person(AP) too. Were you honest enough with him at least or did you dump him because he was just inconvenient? And your husband looked to be the better option between the two available to you? Was he married too, if so, does his family life remain unaffected by this, like yours now?

If at the affair end also its cool, then just forget it and do not burden your husband. But if the AP is not at peace and has borne the brunt of it then better come clear with your husband.

Though I am very clear about the suggestion I made, I am not able to explain the rationale of suggestion immediately, would come back when I am clear about it.