Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Everyone,
I am 33 yr old single parent of a 4 yr old son, from past night I could not sleep as I was thinking about a question my son asked me. What’s my Dad’s name Amma and where is he? As he was asking there were tears in my eyes.

I got separated from my husband when I was 5 month pregnant while we were in USA, I couldn’t bear his physical torture, every day he used to beat me and abuse me in front of his friends and my colleagues. Finally one fine day he told me that he wants to get separated because he found someone better than me. I was speechless. When I told him I was pregnant, he started arguing with his stupid questions and he threatened me that he would make my sister’s Life (My younger sister is married to one of his family member) miserable, if I ask for alimony. After 3 months we got separated. I was left with debts and my son was growing inside me. Thoughtout, my pregnancy I told doctor that I was single, even in my son’s birth certificate only my name is there, no father’s name. I returned back to India a year ago and currently I am working in Bangalore, my son goes to preschool now. I came back leaving every thing to start a new life in my Home country.


What should I tell him? How do I explain all this to him? Will my son every blame me for not mentioning his fathers name in Birth Certificate, once he is grown up? What if he finds his father, defiantly his father would say something bad about me, and will my son hate me?

One more thing, I wanted to adopt a baby girl, so I even filled my paper work last month, the main reason for this adoption is for my son, he will have a younger sister and baby will have family too.
Should I stop thinking about adoption? Money is not the matter, but am I in a right path? Sometimes I think every thing would have been in right way if I had adjusted with my ex husband.

Thanks
sree replied. hi smita unlike u . i separated after my son was 2 yrs old.i dont have a job yet. u atleast have one. i have a nice way to tackle our problems we have to be honest with the child.and yet make it a little soothing. so far i have done that. i need help to land a job desperately mira replied. I agree with smital. Your best bet is to get married. Then not only will you have support but your son will also have a father. There are many men these days who are willing to marry somebody the second tiume. And bangalore is a foward city so I think you should try to find somebody. sneha replied. i couldnt stop my tears reading your post ..not for your son ,but for what have you been through .
dear you are really a brave lady and i am sure when your son grows up he will respect you for all your decesions .
we all have our share of problems and god gave you this one ,but i really am touched by how you managed all alone .
4 years is tooo young to explain to a child ...but you can just tell him that your father name is ....and he is far away .
later slowly you can start explaining the truth to him ...but dont feel depressed or sorry for your son ...because your are still better than thos who suffer under inlaws and husband trauma and tortutre through out life and by taking this decesion you did all good a mother would do to her child ,(imagine the trauma of abusive parents relation ship on a kid ) .you had the courage to stand up for your self.
i will definately pray for you and for your son .
abc replied. Hi smitha, I understand its realy difficult to answer that question because your child is only 4 and whatever you say he may not understand and will most likely ask more questions.
I have a 4 year old son also and his father and I seperated when I was pregnant we used to see him for a while but he just became unreliable, he's not seen his sone for over two years now, sometimes he would ask about his dad and I found that it was easier just to be honest, but of course without saying anything too bad about him. I just saod I don't know why daddy doesn't come to see you, and I'm not sure where he lives etc. it seem harsh but its better to tell the truth, I always re-assure him of how much I love him and of all the other family memebers he's close with who love him also. I have since met someone else and my son calls him daddy, we are soon to have another baby.
If you can cope with adopting a child financially and mentally, then do it, it has to be your choice, speak to other single parents in our situation, get advice be sure you're doing the right thing. Its an honourable thing to do, may God bless you - I hope all works well for you. smitha roy replied. THANKS to all who replied to my post. I am bit relaxed today, Beyond the fact that I was emotional when my son asked me the same question again and again. Time passes so soon. When he started talking, I eagerly waited to hear any word from him…now I get scared when talks or questions like this.
I cannot think of getting married again. Miracles can happen! I believe. But they stay far from me always.

This is really great place to receive and give information. Once again Thanks to all .
SANGINI replied. Its sad to read your post Men are so selfish, u know Smitha u are a strong lady must have heard a no of times, well i think wait for some time let the smal budding flower enjoy his days of innocense then one day when he around 5 or something just tell him a little and tell his fathers name and does his father never visited him or talk to him or ask about him, well on the marriage side u can get married I know one of my family friends their daughter has got married to a Divorcee and she is very happy i think you can do that, but don't just jump into a relation wait and see how he his, his mannerisms family etc may be something clicks Lets hope for the best but to your question wait to tell him for some more time. hh replied. Hi smitha,

dont be sad u are such a bold lady.. taking care of ur baby alone from last 4 yrs and taking courage to adopt another child so that ur baby shall not feel lonely...

before giving any advice to you i must say i m only 28yrs may not so mature to give any suggestion...
i too had my share of prob with my hubby during pregnancy and even after my baby's birth both the tm after having gights with my hubby i went to my mom's place but due to my parents intervention things got sorted out.... even now and then we have some arguments or diff of opinion... (yes wd like to mention that he too hv beaten me when i was pregnant)

every time i thought it wd be very very tough for me to take all the responsibilities on my shoulder... i m also working... but still every time i had made a compromises FOR MY BABY'S FUTURE ONLY...

now back to your situation... i think u shd not adopt a nother child better look for again getting married
i know it will sound very mummy types walai batay.. but its true..
you must be having sufficent money but in later age u wd be requiring a companion .... and marriage at this stage with a sensible guy will give father figure to your son.... as he grows his question too grows with tm and yes he too can think that why there is no father's name in birth certificate.... you cann't change indian mentailty... no one will think abt the trauma u gone tru during ur pregnancy while u were beaten up by ur hubby..... ppl are heartless dear....
even our relatives thinks tumhay adjust karna nahi aata... array what abt him.. he is beating a preganant women... ????

and once ur are married u can have another baby and ur kid too gets company....

i m not saying that u just rush to get married... u shd marry a very very very sensible guy... u understands ur need for getting married..

at the end dear i wd like to apologise if i said anything wrrong ...
bye
takecare of ur self and ur baby
ur frd
hh