Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends
Me and my husband loved for almost 4 years and got married 2 years back, now having baby of 10 months old. I am a jolly kind of person who always wants to have fun all around. But now I am the very tough part of life all because of in-laws. They already spoiled my life. My husbands always stick to their words. I don’t want to live this life, often I think of divorce but my baby’s future keeps me going. My husband didn’t even talk to me during pregnancy. Now he and in laws taking the ownership of my baby and acting as though my baby don’t need me,tatz hurting me more. Though we had love marriage we are not even talking to each other properly. I want to share all things to my husband but if I tell something he just insult me and scold my parents in bad words, so stopped telling things to him. I hate this life, plz help me come out of this

Mel replied. OMG ! From the messages below it seems as if people are venting their own bad experiences.

Rahul, if a child is 50% of the father and mother, and the father can decide how he wants the child to spend 50% of the time, then should the mother also run to her parents house the remaining 50% of the time ?

Please understand that it' s easy to preach about appropriate behaviour and protocol, but have you ever had to give up everything and move into an entirely new family ? Adjust to varying demands ? Have no one to talk to ?

It is the duty of the DIL to be respectful to her ILs. It is her duty to manage and maintain the relationship. But, it is also the duty of the MIL to embrace the DIL as a part of her family. Unfortunately, a lot of problems occur because many MILs are insecure. They cannot handle a new woman coming into their sons lives. They treat their DILs unkindly, and it leads to a lot of trouble.

I have seen both types of MILs. Ones who open their arms and their homes to their DILs and the relationship is stronger and better. And the DIL is not insecure because she sees a confident, loving MIL whom she considers her own.

As a mother with a son, I would remember that my DIL is one generation younger than me. And maybe I should take the first step.

I' m not saying all DILs are good. I agree that there are manipulative DILs as well. But, I honestly believe that most MIL DIL problems can be solved if the MIL opens her heart.

The husband also gets hammered when there is MIL DIL discord. It even has a disruptive effect on the kids.

Rahul, I' m making an assumption, but somehow I feel that you are angry. You sound as if you are venting. Maybe its from your experience. Also the fact that you keep stressing BIL SIL although there is no other reference to these relationships anywhere in this post.

Please understand that maybe your situation is different, and Devi' s may be different. The first step to any human understanding is empathy. Let' s not be judgemental of each other. Let' s step back and be empathetic.

Don' t take things to heart. Many of us have very bitter experiences which have created a painful relationship. Many of us have wiped the slate clean repeatedly only to be hurt again and again.

Today, I have gone back to my ILs after SO MUCH of hurt and pain. But the only reason for this... is because my husband is empathetic to me. Because of that, MY PRIMARY CONCERN IS HIS HAPPINESS. And for that, I have opened my heart to my MIL and FIL again. Things are good at the moment, and I hope it lasts.

But, a lot of discord can be averted if husbands take a stand... if they communicate clearly (separately) to their wives and mothers that they need to be respectful to each other. You can have a different point of view, but you can express that view civilly, kindly and sensitively. Rahul replied. @ Aparna

I am not the one who' s making assumptions here you needn' t get so defensive.

I hope that the visitors to this forum are astute observers who can definitely can see through one' s lies.

You missed out the ' vice versa' in your post and never really talked about the wife' s responsibility & duty towards her husband.

I was the one who said that it is the husband' s responsibility to care for his wife but the wife is also supposed to reciprocate the love & honour bestowed on her by her husband.
And, now you clearly seemed to have ignored that point in my post.

You should strive to be a fair thinker (the name that you assumed in your previous post) and let your guard down.
Please don' t express sympathy towards the wife in question simply because of your own personal bias against MILs and sons who love their parents.

A large majority of people (esp. women) tend to paint the in-laws with the same stroke of brush and rush to offer all their sympathies to the daughter-in-law regardless of her true nature.

I can turn the table around & say that you are the one who is making assumptions here by adhering to the popular stereotype & fueling it further through your inciteful posts: the mother-in-law is always the oppressor and the daughter-in-law is the oppressed.
This isn' t true.

If someone wants to believe each & every word of the woman in question as if it' s gospel truth, they can go ahead if they refuse to see what lies below the surface.

Please don' t bring your feminist propaganda once again onto this forum (or should I say ' LET' S KILL THE IN-LAWS' campaign) by using trite remarks & labels.

Please have some sympathy & love for the husband & his family too and don' t reserve all the love for the wife & her kin.

If in your opinion extolling the beautiful Indian/Asian virtue of filial piety that all Indian men & women should possess is considered as being in the wrong spirit, so be it. It wouldn' t deter me from discerning the right from wrong.




Rahul replied. @ Fair thinker

Misogynist?? I don' t think so read properly for had I been a ' misogynist' I would have hated the entire womankind but I am supporting the guy' s parents here (including his innocent mother who you forgot is a woman too, please don' t hate a guy' s mother so much for no rhyme or reason to such an extent that it makes you forget she' s a woman/human too)

When I spoke about treatment of isolation being meted out, I addressed women who are ungrateful and evil by nature. If you want to paint the entire womankind with the same stroke of brush, it' s entirely your call.

Don' t try to twist & mould my comments as per your convenience.
I do understand the importance of marriage but that doesn' t deter me from stressing on the most fundamental bond the guy shared with his parents. (& this isn' t simply because they are his creaters or share a blood tie with him.

You remind me of the husband' s duty to protect and provide for her wife (now you are the one who is addhering to the stereotypes here wherein the man is always the provider/protector and the woman is always in need of refuge) but isn' t it also the duty of the wife to support her husband.

The husband is always supposed to serve his wife but then is it wrong for the wife to fulfill her obligations??

I don' t see anything wrong in a guy honouring his parents' wishes as the woman in question has remarked. Her only problem seem to be that her husband listens to his parents words (which he should) and this in no way should trouble the wife (honouring & being concerned about one' s parents in no way implies that the wife is being mistreated it am talking in general terms).
The treatment (being meted out to the wife) of the wife/DIL could also be due to the fact that she herself seems to have a fault finding nature & she might have tortured them.
Why would she reveal the true side of her nature openly on this forum?

The husband needs to be concerned to about his wife who is going to be a mother soon (well, that' s right, who' s even denying it) but is he supposed to be less concerned about the lady who has been his mother and the gentleman who has been his father for several years and they gave up their entire life for him?

You are the one offering a very biased one-sided view here.
And, if I am to go to a place far-away from my human civilization as per your suggestion, I am sure I would be accompanied by millions of our countrymen (& women too) who refuse to be ungrateful sons and daughters-in-law & such good natured souls exist for sure in our beautiful country.

Rahul replied. @Naina

By the way, for your kind information, the DIl can' t claim the entire ownership of the kid and refuse to share it with his/her grandparents (parents-in-law) because the her husband has a 50% right to the kid.

The grandkid belongs to both the husband & wife .So, he doesn' t need the permission of his wife for the participation & involvement of his own parents in the upbringing of the his kid.

Using his 50% right over his kid, the husband can very well involve his own parents with his kid. He doens' t need to ask the wife.
Did you understand??

And, waht kind of logic is this that if the MIL can' t share her son with her DIL, then why should she (ie. DIL) share her own son/kid with her (ie. MIL).
Hey have you forgotten the husbnd has his own individuality and he is a not a infant so if he respect, loves and gives priority to his parents over his wife he does so our of his own wish and not because of any pressure/balckmail from his parents' side.


So, who are you to interfere? Your duty as a wife and daughter-in-lawof the family is be happy, celebrate the love he has for his parents & siblings(bro/sis) and further strengthen it rather than having any objections with this arrangement or trying to ruin it.

That' s the duty of DIl. Don' t misunderstand and misterinterptret my statement because many women (DILs)have a tendency to find faults with extremely good and loving parents-in-law.

Such women have a cruel nature that even if their M-I-L, F-I-L, B-I-L, S-I-L & also their husbands are kind to them, they still continue to find faults with their in-laws & try to turn their lives into a lving hell.

Women with such evil intent shouldn' t have the right to marry and even live on this earth because the crimes they commit against their husband & his family are gruesome & unpardonable.

Such wicked wives/DILs can live alone is some distant land away from our country ( somewhere in a lonesome deserts or deep in the Amazonian forests in Brazil) with savages inhabiting such lands because their nature deems them unfit to stay near human civilization.




Rahul replied.

Naina

I don' t believe in using abusive language because I have some decent values.

Well, it' s very strange that you think that we should lose out on some of our beautiful Indian values simply because we are in the 21st century and treat Western values as far superior to ours?

Why is that women expect their MILs to step aside simply because now they have also become a part of their hubbys' lives?
This problem never arises, a sister never complains then why is it that the DILs only complain that too especially on this forum.

Mistreating one' s in-laws is the biggest crime and you are a criminal by inciting such anti-family values and feeings on this forum.

We are INDIANs not Americans.







Rahul replied. Hi

Please do not pay attention to the advice of this desi girl , she is dishing out a very mean sort of an advice that simply reveals her own dark side & ulterior motives.
We don' t need to quote statemenst from some blog to handle such situation(s).
This goes out to this desi girl :
a husband needs to protect his wife from the emotional assualts of his family but he has no duty to protect his parents from the assualts carried out by his wife.
And may I ask this ' desigirl' why should the wife be his priority in his life , his parents & his bros/sis should always be his first priority followed by his wife & kids.
Desigirl ( though she sounds like farangi girl from a far-off foreign land in the west where parents & in-laws are routinely disrespected by their own kids .) is making self contradictory statements.
She says that that one' s parents & one' s wife are not competitors as all of them have a different place in a man' s life , yet she feels that the wife should be placed at higher pedestal with regard to his parents.
Even if the hubby turns into an affectionate slave of his wife , it is his wife' s duty to correct him & make sure that he always respects & pays more attention to his own parents than her.
And , coming to you , try & get more involved in the life of your kid in a collective manner and not in isolation .
Heed the advice of your in-laws & don' t try to bring up your kid in isolation from the rest of your family.
Your kid is as much as theirs as he is yours. They have an emotional right over him.Get involved.

And ' desigirl' please don' t poison people' s minds on this forum and chane your nickname bcoz you don' t even have the slightest hint about the rich Indian culture. If peoples start blindly following your advice , the India will be left with only broken & dysfunctional families as is the case in western world.



Desi Girl replied. Dear Devi,

I am sorry that no one responded to your query. If this is any consolation you are not alone. It happened to many of us who took the boat called love marriage. Love was the first thing that went out of window. I do not know if you are the same person who wrote to a blog as Khamoshi 2. But that is where answer to your problem is mentioned.

I' ll suggest you google Desi Lives: Jiyo Life Moments on Hold and follow the blog.

I' ll paste some words from that blog here.

\" Even if it is an arranged marriage the loyalties of the spouse should be with their partner not their parents because they have made a choice to live their life with this person. Parents and spouse have different places in a person’s life and they are not competitors. If this is a inter caste inter religion marriage then it should be even more so. Your spouse was not forced to marry you. As a grown up man he made a choice to live with you and have a child with you. It is his job to protect you from emotional assaults of his family because he has a history with his parents and siblings. He has a history with them he knows them in and out. You are new in their lives they do not know you.\"

How can he or his family claim the child not child' s mother. There is no law in the country that will give them the child unless they prove the mother is a bad person and will harm the child. That you definitely are not.

Right now you need strong support just google the phrase and read the stuff there. You' ll find your answers.

Try it, it will help.

Peace,

Desi Girl