Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

Sorry for my long post. I want to get opinions from different people regarding my situation.

Me and my husband are working in a S/W company from home. My brother in-law is 28 yrs old and he is not working. He has studied BA thru' correspondence. We got several job offers thru' our friends and he didnt take up the job offer saying he didnt like it or the pay was not good. Recently, we got a contractor job in our company and he stopped going to office within 2 weeks without any reason. Our HR called and informed my husband.
My father-in-law died when they were young and my mother-in-law died last year. My brother-in-law was dismissed from school when he was studying 11th due to some bad practices and he discontinued his diploma without informing anyone. He is saying that he will go to work only after he reduces his weight (he is currently overweight). My husband is in very cordial terms with him. He makes coffee for him, serve him food ,books movie tickets and checks with me whether i made chapattis/coffee/his favourite food. He says he cannot stop doing all this just because my BIL is not working. My BIL has noone else to care for him.
I am really annoyed by all this. I have to work, cook and take care of our 7 month-old baby and my BIL is enjoying life (gets up late in the morning, me / my husband make him coffee, i keep the lunch and dinner ready for him, goes to movies, drinks etc).
I feel so upset/helpless about all this. This is leading to lots of misunderstandings and arguments between me and husband. Even though by god' s grace, we are getting sufficient income, does that mean we have to spend for my BIL. My husband thinks it is only portion of our salary and it is okay. We are planning to go to USA and my husband thinks it is okay for us to leave the house as-is (Rent will come as 19K) and spend for all the other amenities(which will come to 15K) because we will be earning a lot in USA. I dont think that is correct. My husband must make his brother take up some job by either forcing him to come for counselling / say he cannot spend for him any longer.
Is my anger correct here or should I also think like my husband that it is okay to take care of my BIL.

Thanks meao replied. You should not get angry infact you should be proud and happy that your husband is such a nice and loving man. Being a woman you should help the brothers to be together forever, you guys earn quite a bit and is not a big deal if you spend little on him, money is never important then relations take him as your own little brother whom you want to treat as a prince things will improve soon, you have all the power to break or make the family I hope you will make it meao replied. You should not get angry infact you should be proud and happy that your husband is such a nice and loving man. Being a woman you should help the brothers to be together forever, you guys earn quite a bit and is not a big deal if you spend little on him, money is never important then relations take him as your own little brother whom you want to treat as a prince things will improve soon, you have all the power to break or make the family I hope you will make it Mel replied. You are right in your opinion. It is wrong, and your BIL is taking advantage of you both.

But, your approach is not working with your husband. If you try and explain what your husband is doing WRONG, he will not agree with you, as he DOESN' T THINK HE IS DOING ANYTHING WRONG. On the contrary, he thinks that his brother has NO ONE BUT HIM. Parents are deceased, and he is all he has. So, as a result, he wants to help him.

Please try and give your husband a different perspective.

Be very very calm when you discuss with him. And no matter how the discussion turns, don' t cry or yell or repeat things from previous discussions. DO NOT SPEAK ANGRILY AGAINST YOUR BIL DURING THE DISCUSSION.

Instead, tell your hubby that he is trying his best to be the ideal brother, and you understand that. Even though you dont agree, you understand WHY he is doing it. Since the parents are not there, and there is no one left for BIL.

But, make him understand that he is NOT HELPING, but RUINING his brothers life.

By helping him out everytime and giving in to his every demand, he is not helping his brother, but destroying his ability to take care of himself. Ask him what is going to happen if, God forbid, he is not around tomorrow. If something happens to your husband, then what happens to his brother? By constantly helping him, he is destroying his future, where he will not know how to take care of himself. Where he will not survive if your husband is not around. And that his support is counter productive.

Tell him that. In stead he can do something else. he can tell his brother that he will pay the rent and expenses for 4 months, then pay only the rent for another 4 months. And half the rent for the remaining 4 months. By doing this, his brother doesnt get too much of a shock to go it alone. And at the same time, it will set a deadline for your BIL to do something with his life. Tell hubby he can always be there in an emergency, but by doing this, he will be helping his brother be independent, confident and to build a life for himself and his future family.

Focus only on this. And let us know how it turns out. sarika replied. hello radha

what ur thinking is absolutely rite,how come ur husband is supporting such lazy bug,hez grown adult n itz ur n ur H fault to support so long,n for how many days will this go on,dont argue vth ur husband,but explain him that his brother should settle in life for which he has to take up job n be responsible ,he has to get married too so he must be responsible enough, etc stop gving money for his luxuries