Relationships  Discussion Forum

recently got married and am from a middle class Jain family. Now few months of my marriage there are a problems popping up in relation between my mother and wife. Wife being from higher middle class family has different way of living. For Ex. My mother says during puja etc (few specific days in the year) girls in periods should not touch things at home or do day to day activities while in all other days there are no such restrictions. My wife being from liberal family does not agree with her thoughts and feels that it restricts her freedom. So my mother suggested that in those days you can stay at your mothers place (being in the same town otherwise also she visits her family once in two weeks and stay there for a day or two) as they don’t follow any such thing. This will not restrict your freedom as well as I can do my religious rituals the way I want. My wife has refused to agree with that. When I supported my mothers idea which I felt was good to maintain the peace of house she fought with me as well.

My mother being a widow from past six years there are very limited options for her to spend time. If my wife continues to do such thing my mother will get frustrated in the life. Guys pls suggest me a way out. Pls remember that both my wife and mother are otherwise doing lot of compromises in their day to day life due to difference in standard of living. Pls don’t suggest me to stay in different house as I don’t intend to split my family at any cost.
Mel replied. Why don' t you understand the issue ? Your wife is NOT making an issue of what appears to be petty. To her it seems as if you are banishing her due to a biological reason on a regular basis. Just tell her that she doesn' t have to go anywhere. And that the only requirement would be that she doesn' t take part in any rituals or touch any religious things on those days since that is the way the Gods in your house have been worshipped from the beginning. Men don' t understand the intricacies of things. When you samjhao her, please DON' T tell her that your mother has already compromised and so she also should do so.... or things like.... it' s a small petty thing..... If you do this, then you will set the stage for a battleground in your house.

I empathise with your situation. Even when I have disagreements with my MIL, my husband gets completely sandwiched in between. It' s hard for a husband to take sides. Whichever side you take, will be seen as a betrayal by the other side. Ask your mom to back away. Ask her not to tell your wife anything directly.

Appreciate the fact that she is also compromising a lot for YOU, whom she is NOT related to by blood. Your mother gave birth to you. she naturally will make compromises for you willingly and lovingly. But, for your wife, she is also doing whatever she can... and whatever she thinks is reasonable. Don' t lose heart. Don' t make a big deal of this issue, no matter what the results. If you back away, she may feel bad and relent. Tell her that this is what you think, that she can stay if she wants, but you would like it if she refrains from any religious activity during that time, but if she disagrees, then you would try and convince your mom about it. Then back away completely. Most likely, she will agree. anupriya replied. Hi. First of all I would like to appreciate your patience on the matter. I am myself from a upper middle class family married to a middle class guy. In my parents place we did not have any kind of restrictions during the periods, however, my in-laws are highly religious people especially my MIL who lost her husband early in life. If the restrictions are only limited to items related to puja e.g puja utensils, prasad, etc. your wife should understand that slight restriction wont harm her in any way. Moreover, these restrictions were imposed at a time when women were overloaded with work & religious rituals were very rigid & difficult. I have followed the same priniciple. I restrict my movements w.r.t religious ceremonies & otherwise I am free do all the activies. This way MIL is also happy & I am also happy. Yaar jara pyar se Biwi ko samjhao. I hope she will definetly understand. This small sacrifice ( if she feels it that way) would go a long way in developing a bond between you & ur wife plus both MIL & DIL. All the best aa replied. hi, i think that your mom is doing pretty good too....She is not in any way telling your wife to change, she is letting your wife continue with the way she has grown up...i think your wife is VERY lucky to have a Mother in law like this...Your wife needs to understand this...Let your wife know that there are so many Mother in law (MIL)out there who would force the daughter in law (DIL) to change to her ways...

Also, i think your mom is doing her best, after all she has no probs if your wife wants to see with her own family...if your wife reads some of the messages on this board she would understand that so many other dils' are not even allowed to spend much time with their own families...Again i say your wife IS VERY LUCKY to have a mil like this....Some mils will take away so much....your mom sounds like a kind hearted person....Make your wife understand this! kk replied. hello sir.. first of all i should say that you are managing things quite well. it is important to not leave your mother, especially when she is very nice and ready to adjust with her DIL. and your wife is partly right too, with respect to being free even during \" those\" days. i am not saying it is right that way. but after all periods and festival days are going to rarely coincide, may be, once in 3 months or so. explain to her that its a small adjustment she has to make. also give her a comfortable corner where she can sit, read books, watch tv and just enjoy. infact i myself take it as days of relaxation, not having to do anything, and can just stay around with only \" touching\" restrictions at home. ask her to take it easy rather than thinking that she is being ignored on those days. as day goes and you start having kids, these few days will be welcome.. so that she can just stay with no work. ask her to do her shopping, visiting her friends place and relatives place during these days, so that she doesn' t interfere with your mom' s rituals. just ask her to take it as a sacrifice for her mother in law, who is very good to her in all ways - these are small things that should be adjusted which should not spoil relationships. people outside are only facing bigger restrictions. Take care..