actually I got married in nov,2006 and live with my mother-in-law and father-in-law...... I am not happy at all....... my husband is very nice and he loves all a lot...... he can not live without his mom and dad...... we also have a son(1 yr old)....
my in laws always used to comment me..... not happy with me at all..... i alz try my best....but for no hopes.....
my mother-in-law also doesnt allow me to wear jeans...... i mean this is my only life....if i cant live it by my way.....whts the use of living yar..... i have alz wore jeans in my life during my studies and I cant live without it....... i am so sad in my life..... kabhi kabhi to man karta hai sab chod ke bhag jaun.....
I dont know how to live happy with them and what should i do so that my mother-in-law allow me to wear jeans.... common yar we live in Delhi..... I m working its not village...........dont know wht has happened to her..... I am a software engineer working in an MNC..... everybody used to wear western dresses.....why cant I???/
actually I got married in nov,2006 and live with my mother-in-law and father-in-law...... I am not happy at all....... my husband is very nice and he loves all a lot...... he can not live without his mom and dad...... we also have a son(1 yr old)....
my in laws always used to comment me..... not happy with me at all..... i alz try my best....but for no hopes.....
my mother-in-law also doesnt allow me to wear jeans...... i mean this is my only life....if i cant live it by my way.....whts the use of living yar..... i have alz wore jeans in my life during my studies and I cant live without it....... i am so sad in my life..... kabhi kabhi to man karta hai sab chod ke bhag jaun.....
I dont know how to live happy with them and what should i do so that my mother-in-law allow me to wear jeans.... common yar we live in Delhi..... I m working its not village...........dont know wht has happened to her..... I am a software engineer working in an MNC..... everybody used to wear western dresses.....why cant I???/
Plz suggest wht should I do??????
Jyoti
sss replied. dear Jyoti,
i know you must be upset about having to sacrifice your wishes.but you must understand this, living in a joint family has its own blessings.see,living just with your hubby and you may sound good initially,but is not all rosy.i have the experience of it,hence telling you.its not that i was not happy then,my hubby and we love eachother very much and we have a good life,touchwood.but when others are around,we are even more happy.i feel special when my hubby cares for me infront of inlaws or my own family.also,after having a child,support from inlaws is the best option for a happy environment for the child.there must be adjustments but with time you will understand that you need not sacrifice anything.if you want to wear jeans,just buy one and wear.your mil might say something which you can ignore.try to keep a good relation with her.its not very difficult.i am married for three yrs and have a very good relation with my mil.true,she never stayed with me for long.but whenever she did,we both have worked towarsds developing a good bond and now we talk daily and i enjoy it.so,my advice would be to try to be happy in your joint family arrangement.we have only one life.why dont we live it happily and make it happier for others also?believe me,you will get rewards for your good acts.start loving others,you will be at peace and start hating others,all your mental peace is lost.this is what i have experienced.i hope you get all the happiness and peace of mind.
Gauri replied. Well, first of all, where do you live? in Delhi or bombay or in U/S? It seems to me that your married into a very conservative family. Tell me something, does your husband allow you to wear jeans? cause if he does, then you mil should not have a problem. You say your husband loves you alot. i am glad he does. Well, try to talk to him about this. Try to get your husband to explain to his mother how this is the fashion and everyone wheres jeans these days. Get your husband to explain to her that she needs to go with the flow. On the other hand, if your husband doesn' t mind you wearing western clothing, then who the hell is she? Explain all this to him when he is in a good mood. MY GOD! this is your body! you and only you have the right to decide what you should where. I would just runaway from my mil if she was so dominating and controling and telling me what to always were. My husband can be domnating too. When i wera jeans with a spagetti strap shirt, he made me go and change it. he got very possessive of me when i wore a swimsuit. We live here in the U/S and he is so dominating. If he is so dominating, controling, and narrow minded then he needs to go back to his country........INDIA. I just don' t understand the culture that he was raised in. He thinks that showing you body looks real cheap while me who is raised here thinks it is fashion.
well, anyways hope this helps a little.
2008-08-28
#21
Name: Rati Subject: Keep FUming ...HAAAAAAAAAA
You are saying so many things but r not giving the answer of one \" question\" that we all females are asking you .
U say that the \" Question\" is silly that is why u do not want to answer it .THe question that we have put forth is the same which jyoti has asked.She has asked from a female point we from a man' s angle .
If u can answer to her question then that means u know how to answer \" Silly \" questions in silly way .HA HA Ha Ha !!!!!!!!
The question is not silly but the thing is that u have been caught on a wrong foot by all of us and since u do not have an answer to an \" Intelligent \" question put by us females u r acting silly giving warnings etc........
this shows ur own mental level and the upbringing that u had .
I pity the females married in ur family which is full of MCP' s.
Hey namita neena and all let this male fume like this .I am enjoying it .Same must be with u also .HAAAAAAAAAA
2008-09-04
#22
Name: a married guy Subject: be happy.. to Rati and Co
Hey Rati,
You really made me laugh. Thanks for that.
Do you think you are intelligent? I dont see it in any of your post.
I am not going to answer your questions again. This thread is initialted by Jyoti´ s for herproblem and if she need more info, i can tell her. I do not to want to discuss/answer all your silly questions.
Do you want me to say " I pity for the male you married and the people in your family" No, i dont do that.
i dont have any problem in ´ upbringing´ that is you, you do have such a problem, that is why you are volunteerly commenting other people in the board.
I am decent, that is why giving warning. Don´ t get tensed. Try to control yourself before commenting one person.
Try to be a decent human being.
a married guy
2008-08-26
#23
Name: Namita Subject: great reply Rati
infact even me wanted to right down the same question for \" a married man\" abt wht if his MIL does the same .. bt i didnt hd time .. thnks u completed my comment
to married man:
if u dnt hve ego y r u nt replying to her question .... v wnt genuine ans. ....
Rati is 100% correct in asking u \" will u b still patinet wiht ur MIL\" .. i bet not a single men vl accept this
i know a boy, he is my good friend, he tells me hw his wifes behaves at home n hw he n his parents dnt like tht, hw his parents tries to adjust bla bla bla .... from last 6 mnths i m trying to show him where he is going wrong ... BUT NO .. he wont undrstnd .... he have same prob. .. he wnts his wife to listen to all his mothers neusense bcoz he feel when she can listen to her mother then y cant to my mother .. i asked him same question, can you do the same n till i hve not got any reply ... he hve stoped talking to his IL' s bcoz once thy said something as their daughter was suffering at his home ....
this is called EGO ... MENS EGO
if we girls hd ego prob... thn this joint family concept would hve vanished from indian culture long long back .. evn today we being well-educated, independent .. most of married ladies today are not dependent on their husbdn monetarily, evn thn we live as others (IL' s) wants ... then hw can this b ego
now let me also clear my word \" others(ILS) .. bcoz u or someone vl come up with this .... yes IL' s are others, till they give their daughter in law the same place in their family as their daugher
2008-09-04
#24
Name: a married guy Subject: to neena
Dear Neena,
I am not here to make fun of anyone with the issue. here the person with the issue is jyoti. She responded to my response. Where do you find that i made fun of people here? Please try to read all my post and Will you quote a line where i made fun of Jyoti here?
I never asked Jyoti to wear only sari. Again Please read my post.
One more thing is, I like to wear dhoti. So if my MIL ask me to wear, i will be happy. In fact my wife does not like me to wear it so i am not wearing it.
Okay, the purpose of you question is to find if i dont like to wear a costume, and if MIL insist me to wear, how do i react? Am i understanding correctly?
here is the situation happened and still happening in my life.
My MIL have three daughters and no son. So all her dreams of her own son is not fulfilled. After my marriage, she wants to fulfill her dreams like selecting dress for me (her own selection), etc. Till today she presented many things to me which is not at all of my interest. I do wear them in my day-to-day life. I know it is against my interest.
you know onething? now a days, i dont allow my MOM to do a dress selection for me. I say my mom that your selection is outdated. But i never told such things to my MIL. Because i respect my MIL.
Just by doing this, i am not going to die. Ofcourse, i am compromising something in my life for her, but when i do that, she is happy and because of that my wife is happy and that leads to a happy life.
See i do have my own desires and interests but i need a happy life.
People like Rati, Namita cannot change their desirs for anyone. That is why they are making big scene. But i can compromise. Because i need people around me all the time and i need their happiness too.
Finally one simple line: I´ m not just thinking of my happiness in my life.
If you do not understand this, i cannot help you.
One note to you: i do not need anyone to welcome me to post anything in this site except the site moderator.
Thanks,
a married guy
2008-08-28
#25
Name: neena Subject: My two cents
Dear married guy,
Please anwser one simple question. If your mil (your wife´ s mother) insults you and comments on your lifestyle and put restrictions that you should wear only dhoti kurta and never western wear then what would you think fo her? would you gently hold her hand? would you change your attire because she is elder to you? Would love and respect her all the more ?
Please note that you are most welcome to put your ideas here but becoming subborn and makinng fun of other person´ s genuine issue and replies is not a mature thing to do.
Dear sss,
you have misunderstood. its not that anyone who will present a different view will reiceive critisizm. otherwise what is the purpose of this board. aisha was commented upon because she started preaching even before understanding the suffer´ s situation. she went on and on boasting about her own life. anyways, all have the right to say something :-)
2008-08-28
#26
Name: a married guy Subject: a severe warning for Namita & Rati
hahahaha..i am not able to control my laugh. Looks like you girls are so tensed.
I didnt answer your question because, i do not want to answer for all your silly questions. Also i am here in this post just to give my suggestion to Jyoti only and not to discuss the situation with you both.
I replied to you because you both made a situation to comment about you.
Namita & Rati, if your friend or husband is doing like that, that does not mean that all men are like that.
I am trying to put my views in a decent way. But you are crossing the limit.
I dont want to offend you for any reason. If you cross the limit, i may need to talk more about you and the way you talk.
READ MY POST ONE MORE TIME. I am not asking Jyoti to be a doormat for her MIL. Instead of fighiting and spoiling her own life, she can change herself to have fruitful outcome.
i just gone back and raed all your posts and found about your way of thinking.
i do not want to comment you girls.
better luck. From now onwards, stop commenting my posts. It is not good for you as well as me.
take care
a married guy
2008-08-25
#27
Name: Jyoti Subject: Thanks all
Hi sss
you r right dear it has blessings as my MIL takes care of my baby as we both r out becoz of jobits true i m able to work becoz of her only but also we would do some sort out if she was not with us...but this doesnt mean tht she has full rights on my life....i cant do even a single thing of my own will...i have even directly asked her why she doesnt allow me to wear jeans....she directly denied...a big NO....her words-\" No I' ll not let u wear jeans the neighbours used to comment and will you wear the short tops in front of FIL...will not u feell ashamed n ll tht\" .... I aksed her whose DIL is software engineer.....even her daughter that is my SIL wear jeans sometimes and she has even come to our home while wearing jeans.....even when she is too fat and I am slim.....I am having a lot of trousers and jeans as I used to wear them previously......every day when I open up my almirah.....i just want to wear them but of no hopes.... everyday my mood turns off..........
I also think so may times that they r doing a lot for us and i' ll be happy all the times and keep my hubby happy as he is the one who suffers the most....sandwiched b/w parents and wife... but kya karen yar kabhi kabhi mood off ho jata hai ye soch ke ki i m nt wearing jeans as I used to be the tom boy like look before marriage and now i turn out to be a typical bahu....
I also want to be free and i want to live life by my own way....i have developed inferiority complex in me just becoz of them.....i just want to be happy yar....... thts what i was.... i used to be the girl who never seen to be sad, very naughty, alz try to keep all happy surrounding me.......alz smiling n happening but I now feel tht Jyoti is been lost somewhere.... I want myself to be as I was earlier.... now I m also trying for it.. i have just left everything to God.... may be He' ll listen my prayers and give me something better which I think I deserve....
Hi married guy...
I have done tht a lot of times....i mean not for this jeans wearing issue but for many quarrels that have been raised in any joint family becoz of different thinkings.... even when i was not at mistake I have felt sorry thinking that they r our parents and we should not annoy them.... also she has forgiven me and atmosphere at home turns good.... but now things are changing.... i mean she is not at all ready to accept the thing.... she has just said a BIG NO... and I have done the thing tht u r saying tht wear n then hold her hand.....tht would create a big scene at home.......n of all my husband got affected which i dont want as he is not feeling well these days...some hypertension kind of problem with her......n these days my only motto is to keep him well n happy...thanks for replying...
Hi namita
Thnks for ur concerns...... I will start doing tht but after some time........let my husband recover completely.......u r right I m feeling like suffocated everyday........thanks.....
2008-08-26
#28
Name: sss Subject: take it easy
Hi Jyoti,
Thanks for taking my post positively.Honestly i expected a lot of brickbats for the same.its not because i wrote something wrong,but just read one earlier post " i am stuck" and how one girl Aisha was criticised for asking Neena to love her inlaws.i understand that everyone try to adjust and when they are frustrated about not getting the desired results,hearing from others to adjust can be annoying.so,in my opinion no one is at fault here.may be iam lucky to have nice inlaws.may be it helped that my inlaws dont have daughter,only two sons.so iam not saying that those who cant adjust are wrong.but those who could find peace with inlaws are happier.their husbands are also happy with them.finding peace doesnt mean you have to stay with them.but atleast be cordial.
and as you have written,ofcourse you can get alternate care for your son in terms of maid,day care etc,but that can never be compared to the love of grand parents.children who are in joint family feel more secured,i have experienced this with my son.so be happy for your situations,rather than being upset.and this jeans isssue,if you are confident about anything,no one can stop you from doing it.so just wear it yaar,and let us see what happens.let me assure you,sky wont fall down.for a change,let your mil adjust this time,not you.
2008-08-25
#29
Name: Namita Subject: hi
for sss
i think u r not staying with In laws permanently ... living permanently is very differnt then living for few months ... as u hve put down \" ur husbnd tkes care in front of in laws\" i m happy for this .. bt same story dnt repeat in each ne very house .... if staying with in laws was so easy and rosy then no one would prefer to be nuclear family everyone who is brought up in indian culture want their child to grow up in joint family, everyone knows its benefit ... bt things are not so easy as it is for u ... many husbnds are different whn thy are with in laws
for a married guy
for boys it is very easy to say \" wear a jeans and if MIL shouts hold her hand n bla bla bla\" .... jispe bitti hai bas wahi samaz sakta hai ... for boys to stay in the same family n to convince their mother is very easy ... always remember such IL always make difference bet. a daugher and daugher in law .... it is easy to say then do, hold her hand n have a talk
for jyoti
as you have married for almost 2 yrs. slowly without any fight u hve to start putting ur thoughts across to them .. evn if thy dnt like u wearing jeans,ocassionally when u r out with hubby u shud wear jeans .. when u r back keep jeans outside so tht they know tht u wear .. never ans. back or fiht ... ignore her .. slowly start wearing to ur sons school occasionally .. har chiz dhire dhire change karni hogi .. magar karna jaruru otherwise u vl feel suffocated
2008-08-26
#30
Name: Rati Subject: U r a MCP
For married guy ,
U r trying to give so many lectures to us but u did not reply to my my simple question if ur MIL is rude to u ,taunts u shouts at u -will u be still extremely patient with her ??
It is spineless men like u who marry but have no courage to stand by their wife & treat them like doormat .Always asking them to change and adjust .Why dont u men change ur self or ask ur mother to change for the sake of ur wife ??.
Simple example of MCP .
It is not we but spineless men like u who ruin the life of females and treat them like doormat .
I wish that tomorrow ur daughter is also in the same circumstances as jyoti & others then will c how much AHIMSAA u teach her .
2008-08-25
#31
Name: a married guy Subject: for namita & Rati
If you have EGO, you really cannot do that. i do understand that giving lecture is easy but doing it is difficult.
If you want everything easily, NO YOU ARE WRONG.
Life is not always as expected and no one will give you everything on your plate when you need it. You have to find a way to do it.
I beleive in " Ahimsha" . You can do it, if not at first attempt, you can achieve it in 5th attempt. You should have patience.
You are not supposed to show your emotions in your face.
i know how girl behaves (including my mom).
Dont spoil someones life by giving such a stupid ideas (ignore her). you will feel only when your son or daughter ignore you.
hope you read sss reply also.
a married guy
2008-08-25
#32
Name: Rati Subject: For A Married Guy
Hi Namita,
I really liked ur reply to " A married Guy" .
I also wanted to say the same to him but u said all .
Mr. Married guy it is very easy to give lectures to females (including ur wife) that when MIL gets upset hold hand blah blah blah etc .But mind it it is easier said then done .
What will u do if ur wife´ s parents (in-laws )try to dicatate things to u like wear kurtaa pyjama it is true indian male dress.Do not smoke & drink they are against r culture ?? Will u still go & hold their hand & be very patient &polite and say " please i am confortable in trousers shorts please let me wear it" .It is easier for males to say that bcoz u do not have to change after marriage u lead the life as u lead always .No one dictates terms to SIL like they do to DIL
U r a male so cannot feel from the side of female .In place of giving lectures to all females (including ur wife ) why don´ t u go and hold the hand of ur parents & say please do not poke ur nose in r life let my wife be what she is .Will u do that ???????
It is easy to teach 20 rather then be one of the 20 to follow ur own preachings
Thanks
Rati
2008-08-22
#33
Name: sss Subject: believe it or not
dear Jyoti,
i know you must be upset about having to sacrifice your wishes.but you must understand this, living in a joint family has its own blessings.see,living just with your hubby and you may sound good initially,but is not all rosy.i have the experience of it,hence telling you.its not that i was not happy then,my hubby and we love eachother very much and we have a good life,touchwood.but when others are around,we are even more happy.i feel special when my hubby cares for me infront of inlaws or my own family.also,after having a child,support from inlaws is the best option for a happy environment for the child.there must be adjustments but with time you will understand that you need not sacrifice anything.if you want to wear jeans,just buy one and wear.your mil might say something which you can ignore.try to keep a good relation with her.its not very difficult.i am married for three yrs and have a very good relation with my mil.true,she never stayed with me for long.but whenever she did,we both have worked towarsds developing a good bond and now we talk daily and i enjoy it.so,my advice would be to try to be happy in your joint family arrangement.we have only one life.why dont we live it happily and make it happier for others also?believe me,you will get rewards for your good acts.start loving others,you will be at peace and start hating others,all your mental peace is lost.this is what i have experienced.i hope you get all the happiness and peace of mind.
2008-08-22
#34
Name: a married guy Subject: well said sss
i can feel SSS words and all the words came from her experience. Its true that when you start hating each other, you cannot live peaceful life, even if you seperate and llve in different places. the best way is to workout good things to improve the bond between you and your MIL.
i will tell you onething:
As sss said, buy one jeans and wear it. She will object it (as per your thoughts), when she object, go and sit with her, hold her hands and saying i feel more comfortable on this. etc. talk a lot, nice things...and say that you have to wear this today for an office party, etc and please her...
remember, i am not asking you beg to your mil. If you fight, the end will be bad only but if you talk like wat i said, you will get positive result.
Do not let EGO win you/your life. As you said its only one life.. do not spoil it, enjoy it
2008-08-21
#35
Name: Gauri Subject: husband
Well, first of all, where do you live? in Delhi or bombay or in U/S? It seems to me that your married into a very conservative family. Tell me something, does your husband allow you to wear jeans? cause if he does, then you mil should not have a problem. You say your husband loves you alot. i am glad he does. Well, try to talk to him about this. Try to get your husband to explain to his mother how this is the fashion and everyone wheres jeans these days. Get your husband to explain to her that she needs to go with the flow. On the other hand, if your husband doesn' t mind you wearing western clothing, then who the hell is she? Explain all this to him when he is in a good mood. MY GOD! this is your body! you and only you have the right to decide what you should where. I would just runaway from my mil if she was so dominating and controling and telling me what to always were. My husband can be domnating too. When i wera jeans with a spagetti strap shirt, he made me go and change it. he got very possessive of me when i wore a swimsuit. We live here in the U/S and he is so dominating. If he is so dominating, controling, and narrow minded then he needs to go back to his country........INDIA. I just don' t understand the culture that he was raised in. He thinks that showing you body looks real cheap while me who is raised here thinks it is fashion.
well, anyways hope this helps a little.
2008-08-22
#36
Name: Jyoti Subject: not possible....
Hi Gauri
Thanks for your reply.....
My husband doesnt have any problem if I wear jeans........only my MIL is having problem..... my husband cant raise this issue in front of them becoz it wud make a quarrel in the home and he doesnt want tht......even i dont want tht..... we live in Delhi...... she is so dominating and orthodox..... I wish we can separate from them......
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Keep FUming ...HAAAAAAAAAA
Name: a married guy
be happy.. to Rati and Co
a severe warning for Namita & Rati
take it easy
U r a MCP
believe it or not
husband
not possible....
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