Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends,

I have been married for 8 years and ours was a love marriage. We both belong to the same caste and my husband is very loving and supportive. He understands me very well. I had to leave my parents as they were not convinced with our marriage. Only my relatives were present in my marriage but my in-laws and their relatives had come to the marriage. Few years my parents distanced me. My MIL looked after me in my first and second post delivery period. First time she was sweet or I thought she was like that. But the second time when I went to her place for post delivery I was upset. Both my FIL and MIL used to talk to each other in the kitchen and I would be in a room where I could hear what they were talking. They would scold my husband and me and also spoke that they agreed for our marriage only because of their son. And all these are being done only because of their son and not me. They speak very sweet about me and behave good in front of my husband and all relatives and friends. But when they are alone they speak to their heart.I have BIL who got married just 2 years after our marriage. My SIL bought dowry and her parents respect my Inlaws a lot. So first my In-laws were behind my SIL. Used to speak good things about her and always supported her. But when she was pregnant they had been to her place and she did not treat my in-laws properly. Didnt even speak to them when my BIL was at home. My in-laws came to know the real colour of my SIL. Now they want to be very nice to me. But I knew my MIL very well. She do not argue or tell openly what she wants but when gets her work done diplomatically from my husband. People say that I should be very grateful to my In-laws as they supported me for marriage and also looked after me in my two post pregnancy. My MIL indirectly makes my husband to scold me and creates hungama between us.My MIL is gets influenced by her brothers and sisters and those people are very traditional.I have kept a distance from them. But once I allow my In-laws to stay with us (As they are staying separately in a different town)my MIL' s brothers and sisters would visit my house. I am sure that they would take my home from me as my MIL is very dominant in nature. Even my FIL acts as an ambassador to my MIL. When he frequently visits us he would never allow me or my husband to talk to each other. Even when we are in our room he would enter and ask what we are talking. When my husband returns from his office he would say everything that happened since morning. Even the courier that came in or any phone calls he would not let me to inform my husband. He would be behind my husband and I have to wait for a chance to talk to my hubby. My husband observes all these and say that I have to adjust as the old people are like children. He understands me but he is also helpless. My MIL does not allow me to cook. She does not tell this directly but gives examples of others and say that she does not like to have something that is cooked by others.My children change and does not listen to me when my In-laws come to my house. In their presence I feel that its not my house.My BIL stays in a different state in India and my in-laws does not want to go their because of language problems and my SIL has already plans for keeping my in-laws in distance and she is already executing them. I really dont want to be very harsh to my In-laws as I think that even we have to be in their place after 25 years. But to bear them also is very difficult.Please let me know how to go about this situation as they would think to stay with us atleast after a year or so. If I tell all these to my husband or anybody in the relations they would not believe as my In-laws act as good people outwardly. They also be good to me when somebody is around them.If I be little soft now am sure I would face a difficult situation in future. My parents continue to keep distance with me and so I have no supporters. I have stopped sharing ideas and things relating to my family with my In-laws and do not talk much as I was doing it before.My MIL would share information with her brothers and sisters and am afraid that everybody would know about my family. Please let me know how to handle the situation if my in-laws plan to settle down with us. Ritika replied. First things first, stop telling yourself that you are helpless...

Second, start taking a more dominant role in the house when your in-laws are there. What is this talk about your MIL \" not allowing\" you to cook indirectly. She can keep on talking and you can keep cooking or doing what you want to do...the more you bend over backwards to please them, you will be more and more unhappy and bitter and one fine day everything will explode...leaving all your relationships in tatters..instead just smile and tell her that \" I like cooking sometimes for hubby, kids and you all\" ...

About your FIL, again how does he stop you from talking to your husband??? Does he put tape on your mouth?? If you want to talk to hubby then go ahead and talk!! This is not a classroom and you are not a child to take permission to talk to your own husband...

If you and your husband are talking inside the room then lock the door..if he knocks then tell him that you are changing and will be out in 5 minutes...embarrass him...because he deserves to be...

Honestly my parents are also 60+ but that doesn' t mean they' ve forgotten manners...you don' t barge into your son' s bedroom when he is in their with his wife...period.

On your side note - About your parents, have you ever contacted your mom?? What was her reaction?? Is it yr mom or your dad who is still biiter?? Even after 8 years of happy married life and 2 kids, if they haven' t come around, then they sure are hard hearted and cruel...continue sending them some pix of your children and you...let them know what they are missing out on...cutting a child out of their life just because she married somebody of her own choice...God! I feel like taking up arms on your behalf against your small minded parents...

take care and hope this helped..

love,
Ritika

Namita replied. i too agree with Another girl .. if u cnt stop ur IL' s to visit ur home then looking out for job is the best option

Another Girl replied. Hi Dear,

First and foremost, dont use such words which demoralize you further.

You have been blessed with two kids and above all the understanding and a loving husband. As your husband said that \" parents become children when they are old\" : : this implies that he notices everything wrong thing which your In-laws are doing.

See, it would be better for you not to expect any support from your parents or your in laws. This will help you being stronger and not going to them even in worst scenarios.

You said when your inlaws come, your MIL does not let you cook and your FIL does not let you speak to your husband. Cool enough...no need to do any work and starting working in a call centre or anything on the basis of your education.

By working, you would get freedom and would be able to have lunch with your husband, dating your own husband at times.. Since you said that it was your love marraige and your parents were gainst it, you might have done similar things (going dates, etc without parents knowing anything) prior to marriage. But one thing, don' t give your office number to in laws. Give it only to your hubby. Can say that you don' t have a direct number and personal calls are not permitted in office.

So just chill out, let your MIL and FIL handle home and you enjoy your lovely moments with husband.

I hope your husband does not stop you from working. By working, your only issue could be concentration on kids. But to be true, there are many working parents in society and they manage their children very effectively, so can you.

Don' t worry and just chill out.
Piya Singh replied. Hi

I don' t know from where to begin, becoz I am not experienced as you but the thing is that , these inlaws never , ever try to understand their Daughter in law(DIL).So it' s better to be clear with ur MIL that u do respect them But the way she treat you is not good. Tell them that don' t worry about their future that their sons are not living with them but whenever they need you & your hubby , u would be there. Tell them , U also need space as your kids are growing & there are so many things are there in husband & wife.So they should stop interfereing .They shld notinterfere in daily household chores As it' s time for them to take rest Or go for some pilgrimage etc...As It' s your LIFE now. THEY have LIVED their LIFE.SO BE BOLD To your inlaws & your Hubby as well as