Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

This is the first time I visited this site and came across the message board. Actually since this is a parenting site, I never expected such a wide array of topics. It was the joint families that caught my attention.

Let me first introduce myself to you all. As expected, I am a IT professional working for a reputed company. Well educated and traveled. It just four of us in my family. My parents, a younger sister and me. My family means the world to me. Being from a middle class family, I have seen the hardships my parents have undergone to give me and my sister a good education and life. There has never been any distinction between me or my sister. In fact being the youngest, she is the most pampered one. She is doing her MBBS. The usual middle class values are the one that I am very proud of. But the world has taught me to be more diplomatic, the usual traits of the IT world. Even though I pretend to be a very strong person and people vouch for it but I am very emotional at heart. A normal next door guy. But at the same time am pretty egoistic and protective towards my family.

Now back to the point. I read a couple of the messages in the joint family sites and they have scared me a lot. I respect women, have always done and will always do. Out of all the posts that I read, everyone seemed to have a problem with the joint family, the interfering in-laws, and husband’s harsh attitudes and so on. Reading all the posts I got just one feeling \" It’s just the money that the world cares about.\"

I am 28 and my parents have started the search for the \" perfect one\" for me and now the difficult part. They have asked me \" Beta, What kind of girl do you want to marry to?\" . I am on bench these days. So stared going through some relationship sites just to understand what does getting married and having a family actually mean. And the reality is very scary. Women being physically abused... Married just for money… troublesome in-laws and the list goes on.

Even though I have been working for the past four years, my parents have never asked me for a penny. In fact they oppose even the expensive gifts that I generally buy for them. My father is very serious about the savings. He just suggests me and shares his experiences. But it’s me who has his final say every time. He doesn' t even know my bank balance.

Now my marriage part, I expect my wife to take care of my parents. Its not that her parents are not welcome. I sincerely hope to replicate it but I know there would be a lot of issues such as ego, traditions etc. I am looking for the following in my would be wife.
1. Educated: This is the most important thing to me.
2. Good family background.
3. Not working (Housewife): My parents are no monsters. Money is the last thing they would expect from their daughter-in-law but they do expect the love and respect. I see working women around me. Life for them is pretty difficult. Managing home and career is next to impossible. So I have gone for a housewife. And to be very true to you all, I am scared of working wife. I am not sure how I would be able to handle her success. Scenarios such as my wife making wore money them me. I am pretty egoistic. I do not want rivalry with my wife.I know many of you would think that I am the some freak who leaves in the 15th century... Women are no less than men and so on... I want to be happy in life. I am not a millionaire but even then money is not the priority number 1 for me. I believe in being self-made man. None of my family members were in IT or anywhere close to this field but I managed to pull myself through and doing pretty well. I wish my wife to have time for family.

Whatever I have written above is my actual feelings. It might be some of you would be cursing me after reading all these but the fact is \" I am what I am\" and I just want to be happy.


I have never had any affair or the girlfriend kind of status because I did not want to get into something that I could not commit and fulfill. So I would like to know the following from some unknown people (Anonymous feedbacks as we call it)
1. Am I normal? My feelings, way of thinking?
2. From a women' s perspective, how good or bad am I?
3. Am I over demanding?
4. Last but the most important one \" What do women look for in their husbands?\"

Looking for some comments that would be useful to me.

Thanks and adv.
Rose replied. Well according to me you got tell your future wife abt your expections in her. If she agrees i dnt c a problem.. because she can make a decesion abt her future.

I think not all the women in the world would like to work and not everyone would like to be a housewife.. personaly there is nothing wrong in being a housewife.. i' m proud of my mom and mother in law.. they have done a fab job with there familes

If you could be as open and honest as you were on this forum.. with your wouldbe with your feelings, maybe you guys could work it out pritee replied. hope u r SURE abt ur SURE -

1. Am I normal? My feelings, way of thinking?

U R A MALE CHAUVINIST ..... thats how MOST MEN think. dont blame u, u r one of the lot.

but why r u making ur sis study so much, m sure u will want her to be a HOUSEWIFE TOO !! how will she manage work & home ?

2. From a women' s perspective, how good or bad am I?

CANT DECIDE, YES ITs difficult to manage work & home for a lady but she can do everything with her husbands SUPPORT & tact !!!!

3. Am I over demanding?

YES, expecting ur future educated wife to sit at home & not be ambitious because u r earning well & SHE CANT BEAT U !! SCARED BEFORE EVEN STARTED ..haha

4. Last but the most important one \" What do women look for in their husbands?\"

WOMEN LOOK FOR LOT OF THINGS IN HER HUSBAND. importantly LOVE & RESPECT HER WISHES.

OKAY few years down the line, answer honestly -

wen u see equally qualified married lady WORKING & taking care of her house. WONT U BE ATTRACTED TO HER ??? its a competitive world... or will u be scared of her ? maybe not because she is not ur wife !!!

THINK HARD ....
pritee
reshmi replied. hai.letmme tell u its time to change ur attitude.u want an educated gal ,but u wanna keep her as a housewife.....cmon wake up man...do u tink u will get one liek taht.letmme mak it clear NO EDUCATED GAL WOULD LIKE TO BE A HOUSEWIFE OKKKK REGARDLESS OF UR INCOME.THERE MAYBE ONE WILLING LIEK TAHT BUT at THE SAEK OF UR HAPPINESS.or lessen the qualification .get an not-so-educated gal.see this is frm my own experince.iam well qualified and workin,expecting a baby too .also we are staying with inlaws .i tink its ok if u hav the mind for it.u can manage.
u can easily say i dont want my wife' s income or her to earn bcoz ur in IT.well paid executive.but just tink abt parents who educated her.dont u tink she deserves to give them someting in return in this old age.or else will u provide financial help to her parents in time of crisis?no.....
wat do u mean .u cant handle her success..that is pure ego.
think the scenario where ur sister is earning more than you.will u say the same thing.as a doc she is bound to get more respect than you...will ur attitude change?ummmm.just tink and if u feel the answer is yes ,u know wat U NEVER LOVED UR FAMILY.for u world is competetion.
aslo if ur sis is made a housewife will u be able to bear that all ur parents hardwork will simply go in waters,ur sisters 5yrs of studying in thrash.she may get depressed.ok..now instead of ur sis put ur imagined-would-be -wife in that placz.......same isnt?
iam pretty sure ur wife whoever she gonna be willl tak care of ur parents..why?its not bcoxz of u.THE WAY U HAV DESCRIBED ABT UR PARENTS IT HAS STRIKING RESEMBLENACE TO MY INLAWS..ANY GAL WOULD LOVE TO TAKE CARE OF SUCH INLAWS.I HAV AVERY GUD FEELIN THAT UR PARENTS ARE GOIN TO B GUD INLAWS..
as for ur questions,my answer is
ur feelings are normal,not completely ur selfish in a word.ur confusion shd go away
ur bad frm a womans prospective.not so bad i hope.
ur in away against female.wat if ur own daughter is gonna be treted this way.women is not slave.
all women want LOVING,CARING,KIND HEARTED,INTELLIGENT,GOOD EDUCATED WITH NICZ JOBS,ALSO RESPECT GIVING ,TAKIN CARE OF BOTH SET OF PARENTS,ROMANTIC AND LAST GOODLOOKS(goodlucks arent someting which u alys want .looks for me are last ,if the heart is nicz.)
all the best to you hope u understand that :man proposes god disposes...a person liek u seekin an equally qualified gal is bound to find one that is educated and workin.for u educated is very important rite.so kinldy change urself .u will get a gal who loves u ur parents ,and educated gigi replied. so ur parents want ur sister to be housewife with MBBS degree... why is it different rules for your sister and ur wife... just dont forget ur wife is also a daughter, a sister of someday else.. and its not just u who have a family.. with all the list u have given u need to marry someone for an orphanage ..so that she will not have a family of her own and u need not take care of her parents ss replied. Hi ,you are not so much a jerk like as chk4 has suggested.
Most men do not say these things openly but simply practise it in real life. they make even the most successfull woman to leave job & serve his parents.
You are saying that you are trying to find a woman who is more domestic not career minded. you are not asking too much at all! but by fate if you do get matched with a working woman please do not make life miserable for her!
By just looking at the way you are taking care of your parents I am sure that you will do a good job with your wife too! but please remember , you will never find a person who is 100% of what you are looking for. just like you have some priorities the domestic wife that you are searching will also have some priorities. think of your sister , dont you think she has so many priorities & likes in life. it is the same & as simple as that.
so good luck with your bride search. & please do not spend too much time on the net looking for answers or analysis. bad place for judgement making! chk4 replied. U R A JERK !!
i never had an account on this site as i used to just read the views of others but i just logged in today to give u a piece of my mind.
U' r statement -- \" I expect my wife to take care of my parents. Its not that her parents are not welcome. I sincerely hope to replicate it but I know there would be a lot of issues such as ego, traditions etc\"

Well the very statement says that u r an egoistic MCP !!!! cuz u want the girl to take care of u' r parents but don' t want the responsibility of her parents ..WHY???
Doesn' t she have any expectations from her husband ??? Haven' t they sacrificed their life for their daughter' s education ??? I' m saying this cuz u mentioned that u need an \" educated\" girl.
Well...it seems u need an \" educated naukrani\" ...not a wife!!
And about she being a housewife...don' t u think that if she' ll go out n work n be independent then it' ll be for u' r own family' s betterment..?? why do u consider it as a competition???
God forbid if u die in an accident than don' t u think in that scenario u' r wife should be able to take care of u' r kids n family ??? n for that she should be independent.
A girl is always proud of her husband if he is doing good professionaly...why can' t u guys think the same way for u' r partners...???? why r u scared that u' r wife might earn more than u..???(BTW thats why i called u an MCP earlier..)

At the end, I would suggest that put u' r views on any of those matrimonial sites and see ...i' m sure..u' ll remain bachelor for a really loooong time. COME OUT OF U' R CAVE U CAVEMAN !!!!!!