Relationships  Discussion Forum

Iam married 4 1/2 yrs with a daughter.Our is a love and an intercaste marriage.
Our parents dont meet.

To start with first year of our marriage went well and i was on top of world.I was pregnant when we visited india.We thought it is better for me to stay back in india with my moms family.My husband came to india at the time of delivery.Since our parents dont meet obviusly i had to stay with my parents since i was operated.
On the 11th day we went to his home bit lately i the afternoon.We came back to my home and he blamed me very badly that i dissappoint him at every stage.I became vedry emotional.But he never thought that was not time.
When my baby 4months old i went to spend 20days with his parents.(And after 10days i was leaving abroad to husband).During the stay with his parents my mil didnt help me in any manner.Baby got sick,inpsite of warnings she wanted me to stick to old methods.When i also got sick i left for my moms house.My husband was highly angry on me.

I came here when my baby was 5months old,
to my luck my husband changed completely.He didnt help with baby ang household chores.Rather he developed new habit from his bachelor friends.He blamed me for not cooking good food.He blamed for not spendind time with his parents.He used to show his anger and frustration i every manner possible.I couldnt tell him completely how his mother treated.I told few incidents but he was still not happy with me.
And now the sitaution is he is better than before.But he doenst think he has to spend time with baby.Baby relies only on me to sleep ,eat etc.But he still blames very indirectly.After so much frustration in me,i have become a sort of detatched from him.I am not able to tell him anything nor regarding my plans to do any job,nor for baby nothing.
After a lot internal fight,iam going to india next month for 6 months to spend 50/50days in both houses.Iam highly oriented t/w doing a job ,but iam sacrificing this part.
My husband is very responsible person with high insecurity feeling.He shows all frustraions on me.He doenst have a good rapport with my parents but doesnt have any hard feeling t/w my parents.
He thinks he is ignoring his parents and his elder sis and elder brother.He is missing them.

Sorry friends it is getting too long,can pl tell me
1.I am not able to forget wat has happened in past nor he has forgtten(He balmes me).When i go to india and if something happens he will blame me only.isnt it???How should i deal with this.
2.We r only 2 daughters iam the eldest.Dont u think it is my responsibility to plan something for them in future.(both of them have serious health problems).i have to take up a job.do u think i can rely on him.
3.he is ready to spend lots of money for his family,they have never think of us.when will he know.
4.he thinks iam not interested in mingling with his parents.but their parents never care for me,never involve me in any rituals.(they r higher caste).tell me how should i feel).

i told him also.
so far he never pacified me for wat happened,nor he realises that i need his attention and affection.

some times i feel i will go to india settle there with my dot .let him earn money here.

can u please advise me AM I THINKING RIGHT.

rammi replied. Hi ss,
Marriage means not only Husband, you have to adjust with in-laws also. Its sad that they are not good..whatever they do they are your husband's parents. So v need to compramise. Try to forget all bad times and stop discussing past with your hubby and try to behave the way he likes..since yours is love marriage it must be easy for you. Always think of your early marriage days..when you used to love each other. This things will make you happy. No marriage is 100% perfect. When you go back to india dont stay long time with your inlaws. You often visit and come back like one or two day there and one or two days in your mothers house so you can avoid close relationship at the same time you can tell that you have spent 50-50 days in both the houses. If comes to take care of parents, i think first you have to settle down your problems. If at all you start doing job in india you will totally go away from your marriage life. Why dont you try for a job in US only. I think its very easy now a days. U must be there with your husband and try to overcome. If you stay away in these bad days, later difficult to come back..out of sight is out of mind. Dont you think 6 months is too long without your hubby. I think it is not good for you and your baby. Good luck. Sweet mom replied. I just saw your message.we are sailing in the same boat.only difference is mine is perfectly arranged marriage.they expected a lot for their DIL ie, in money wise but i am from a simple family.so right from the 1st week of marriage they started hurting me with their words.but me and my husband came to US and everything was fine.
for my 1st delivey we called my MIL and i had enough from her.as like your life my husband also changed completely and from then he dint help me in anything or appreciate anything that i do.he is always against my mother and always blames her.this realy hurts me.so whenever i go to india i do stay at his house,just take care of my kids and do my own work.i just dont speak unecassiraly and just help her in kitchen without lots of words.because whatever i say even withoutany intention it goes to sevaral different meanings.
i dont think so you should be away from your husband because your kid needs his fathers love also.hope your inlaws dont come every year or 2 to visit in US as mine do.so just focus on your kid and never think about them or mention anything of the past.loving words surely please my husband without any involement of his or my parents.so just take time to talk with him about other things.he will surely listen to you.
have a happy vacation and come back.when your kid grows up and go to school you wont have time for these unwanted things.you will be busy in droppoing him in school and his studies etc.