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i had explained about my situation few days back in column \" how to make life better\" . as you all know i am suffering becoz of my MIL' s attitude that a DIL should do everything and she wont spare me if i do one mistake. This has happened again and this time all this has gone out of proportion. Actually one day my kid had done \" potty\" and i was cleaning him in bathroom. usually i through his potty in commode and flush it out. so what happened, this time i was donig this and suddenly my husband' s friends came at same time. so i just cleaned my kid and went to make snacks for his friends. in this process i forgot that i had not flushed the commode. after that we went for lunch and i did not have chance to realize that a mistake had happened. but when we came i saw the bathroom and i cleaned it at that instant.My MIL sat whole day to just let me see that i had done mistake and after that too she was not happy and she started shouting at me telling my hubby that this girl is ruining home from the day she has come and atleast shouted for one hour.i did not say anything but i was really angry because for all this time she did not tell even once why she was shouting. this i came to know after three days continuos shouting. but third day it was more than enough for me because she was making all reasons to shout but not telling the problem. i went and asked her. she has hearing problem so usually i have to speak loud which she takes to shouting. anyhow i asked her and tried to make her understand the situation and told her when i realized my mistake i just cleaned the bathroom properly. but she was shouting you have done this mistake before also and why you keep on repeating these mistakes. i told her i do all the work and the person who is doing all work will only do mistake not your sons. but in the end fighting went to all the high levels. you people will not have seen this kind of fighting. i told her all the things she had done to me during my pregnency. but she kept on saying me namakharam and really to say i have used all the bad language i could use because suffering for such time has made me emotionless which she is not able to understand.after that my BIL came to home and all the things were told and thankgod this time he understood( although he did not say anything to his mom) after that too she was shouting and then i dont know what came to my mind and i tried to do suicide. this is the fourth time i have tried it and my hubby knows what i am going through. from that day onwards she is not speaking, cooking her own food and i have to cook for three people.i keep my self busy by doing work after coming from office and my baby stays with her. i dont know how long all this go.. she odes all this drama and both her sons and my kid sit with her all the time now and whereas i am always in my room. my hubby tells he has to sit with her although he knows her mistakes because he himself can not make her realize mistake. if it had been his brother' s wife then he would have told her something. i am just getting depressed day by day and now even if my kid cries i dont feel anything. my hubby comes and takes him to his mother. may be i feel somewhere that this kid is responsible for my condition because if it had not been there i would have seperated long time ago. dont know what to do. i know i should not have shouted at her because its of no use but if i say sorry she will again keep on continuing this again and again. we can not shift too till my BIL gets married because my FIL is not there and living separately will be ruining the family. please advice me what to do. do i have to stay silient till my BIL gets married and till then i have to bear her attitude or dont know till what level i should bear with her. about household work now we have two maids, one for cooking, cleaning and other for my kid so work wise i dont feel any problem but at mental level i am just getting drained.... gg replied. y dont you go out of town over weekends along with ur husband n baby...ur husband wont agree easily...but beg ..him ..touch his feet...fight with him...answer him back...do whtever possible...go out this will help u...atleast it helped me...once ur husband gets a taste of fun u hv out of town ...he will take u out quite often...this will gv u break too... Namita replied. felt bad abt. ur situation .... i write in joint family coloum from home .. so cant write much ... at office this coloum doesnt work .... as ritika said, start feeling good abt. urself ... stop blaming baby ... let ur BIL and MIL and ur DH hanlde ur baby, atleast they will realise their responsiblity ... dont think by commiting suicuide they will get lesson .... no one will b affected except ur parents and ur baby ...

even i have lots of prob' s ... from 2-3 days even i m down .. .i get up with headache and while sleeping i dnt even talk to my husabdn or fight with him for no reasons ... till now he is patient bt one day something will happen ... bt this is wrong, even i know i shud nt do this ... i try to contrl ... same way u also ignore n try to control .. try to stay happy with husabdna nd go for outing

now, whenver i feel down i dress up best .. where mathcing accesories etc. as if i m going for party .... that makes me feel good for whole day till i m in office ... i try to enjoy my own world .... i completely forget abt. home when i reach office ... i go desk to desk to talk to people, i call old friends, .. jst to feel realax

abt. ur staying seperately, if ur husabdn agree move out right now ... ur BIL seems to be working so he can take care of financial things nad keep a maid for them ... try to move out .. as once the things gets sore we feel sad even after sepration .. bcoz now even if we are thinking of seperating .. bt after suffering so much i dont know i dnt feel that happiness

i think i wrote more ab.t myself then giving solution to u .. .bt take care and do whtever i said .. feel good abt. urself. Ritika replied. Dear Suhani,

You have been through a lot and that also right after marriage. No wonder everything is a shock to you. And having a baby straightaway just added to your emotional problems, because a baby requires a lot of attention and care + the harmonal changes we women undergo during and after the baby...with a cruel and mean MIL offering no care and attention, no wonder you snapped.

But as gg said so rightly, suicide is a coward' s way out. Your MIL being the way she is, do you really think she will look after your baby well later on? No way. Your child will never hear good about you...

You are an adult. You are earning and financially independent. If things are going so bad for you, that you have tried committing suicide 4 times in the last 1 year, isn' t there something else you can do??

First and foremost - STOP doing so much for your in-laws and husband. You are going way overboard. You' ve just had a baby for heaven' s sake. Why is it YOU who has to cook for everybody in the night after coming home?? Where is your dear husband?? Why are YOU the only one getting up every night to take care of the baby?? Where is your loving husband??

You didn' t have the baby all by yourself . Your husband was equally responsible. Your in-laws ate and lived before you came in the household. Who cooked then?? You are carrying too many monkeys on your back and the more helpless and like a door mat you portray yourself to be, the more people will put burden on you.

If I were you, I would have a talk with my husband. Ask him to join you for lunch one day...tell him that there are certain things you want to discuss with him.

Your suicide attempts are a cry for help and he is taking the easy way out by saying, \" oh, he can' t say anything to his mother, even though he knows you are right\" . Don' t let him get away with that excuse. Ask him how will he feel if your dad spoke to him like that every day for months on end? like his mother does to you? Will he not expect you to defend him?

He does not want to say anything to his mother, because he is afraid that she might say something to him. So really, he cannot hear even one word of scolding targeted at himself. But he is more than willing for you to take all the verbal abuse from his mother. You need to somehow convey this thought inside his head.

Also, stop jumping and running to do errands whenever someone asks you to. Ask your husband to start pitching in. Tell him that he can help you by cutting veggies or taking care of the baby while you are doing errands. You are trying to do EVERYTHING yourself.

Abt the baby - first of all stop blaming the baby for this mess. He is not responsible. Your husband and MIL are. Your husband, because he can easily put his mother straight and he is not willing to do it. Your MIL because she is a bitter woman and you are a soft target for her. Your baby did not ask to be born. It was you and your husband who did not use proper precautions and brought him into this world. So if you really want to put the blame, then put it where it belongs and not on an innocent baby.

If you really wanted to leave, you would have. You can always leave the baby with your parents during the day or in the daycare (like thousands of other families). So my insistence again- to stop blaming the poor baby.

Abt getting up in the night - tell your husband that let' s each get up every alternate night...so at least one of us gets proper sleep every other night.

I' m also getting a feeling that your husband doesn' t help you with taking care of the baby, like bathing him, changing his diaper, feeding his bottle etc. If that is correct, then start asking him help you out there also. If you are changing the baby' s diaper, then tell him to pass you the wipes, or distract the baby. Then when he is a little more confident, then tell him to go change the diaper all by himself or feed him etc while you take care of something else.

Last of all, I' m assuming your parents are in the same city as you (since you had a love marriage, you both would have stayed in the same city)...why not go to their place for a few months (along with your child) and stay with them???

You will get a nice break from all this and recover physically and emotionally.

Ask your dad to talk to your MIL and tell her that it is a family tradition that daughters come and stay in their maika for sometime after the birth of a child. If yr MIL still created a fuss, tell your husband to talk to her and then go.

Don' t discount this break easily. You are at a breaking point here. And if I were to guess then you are mentally and physically exhausted by all the demands put on you all the time.

Your husband married you for love and for certain qualities. Not because his family wanted a free maid who can be a punching bag for his mom. Don' t be afraid to assert yourself.

You have done enough of work in this marriage. Ask your husband to start doing his share.

As for staying separately, consider that option as well. It will not be ruining the family. Please. Your MIL is doing enough of the ruining part right now.

Start throwing your weight inside the house. Stop staying silent. Give back as good as you get. You think Durga is worshipped in India because she was a meek goddess? Or because hs estood up against injustice? Do you think we would have revered Jhansi ki Rani, if she had easily given in to the britishers? Or is it because she was strong and decided to stand up for her rights??

Stop worrying about other people. Start respecting yourself first. Accept that you are not a super woman. Nobody is. Your MIL and BIL are adults and can live life on their own. You do not need to ruin your own life in order to try to satisfy them.

If you can, then go for some counseling also. Since you are emotionally very high strung right now, a few counseling sessions might help.

Hope this helps. Pls post back and let us know how you are doing...life is too short and it can be worth living, so do not throw it away on somebody as worthless as your mean MIL. Don' t let her have so much control over your life.

Take care and all the best...


gg replied. turn a deaf ear ...u wont beliee atlast i hv come out of kitchen ...now my daughter too runs after me..all the time...my huband who wud never bother to call me once in the off...touchwood he has started calling me...things are changing ..lets see n hope for the best ....
but one thing stop paying attention to what ur mil talks...its only to disturb ur peace of mind...n take u away from ur husband n children...pay attention to ur son...let her take the credit for everything...let her do evertyhing u find something which u hv bn ignoring ...coz of house work...when she cooks stupid food say what a lovly food u hv made...u wont get anythign if u be clean by heart...be selfish.... gg replied. u can add me also in this pic do u know how i use look b4 mrrg.i come from good family .i had lots n lots of clothes with mathcing shoes,bags,everything .i use to wear pencil high heels .i was very very thin .i use to stand straight .n only smile with long straight hair ever 3 months i use to go parlour for a hair cut .i was so sensible..so cool...if i wud attend any function or wedding b4 i wud reach home 3 -4 mrrg proposals wud wait for me at home. i use to only cook food that too cutting chopping n things like cleaning meat n fish was done by others. we had maid for washing utensils, clothes n making chapatti .i was very fond of movies.always in dresss circle .in a month i use to go to some five star hotel for lunch or din.my friend and I were great foodie. anywhr we come across any article in newspaper mentioning about some good food. next sat/ sun we were right there .
i had never bad mouth anybody in my life...whn i got mrrd..i use to be so innocent totally diff from my in laws.my mil from the time gets up in the morning she will praise herself n bad mouth every one.
my life was peaceful b4 mrrg now getup in the morning make bf, lunch,come to work , go home do the work again cutting chopping for the next day thats it n go to sleep at home i wear night gown all the time..with hair ..tucked anyhow....trust my maid at my parents house looked 100 times better.now i hv dark circles around my eyes all the time...atleast now i am trying to change myself again...coz after 1 and a half year i met my bro...he was shocked at me...he shouted at me so much...he doesnt like my mil..my mil looks very funny...my bro said i hv started looking like my mil...n i talk also like her....i nearly fainted from that day i maintain distance from her ...n keep quite at home...
my daughter is growing up now..if i look like this what impression i will gv her?....
.i hv cleaned my mil' s tiolet coz i am responsible for my mrrg...n no one....
if i wud hv committed suicide..then imagine what my mil wud hv dont to my daughter ?
suhani replied. hi gg,

i know i should not do this but once i think of my condition before and after marriage i feel myself responsible for getting married in this family. From first day of my marriage, she has never ever let anybody in home think good about me. she makes herself big by doing things for her sons and then show them that how her DIL is bad. How a DIL should always be quiet, doing her work diligently. i have changed too much after marriage and tried my best to please her. i have learnt new recipes, started keeping home clean in her way and tried to everything what she odes but when i look at others i feel she is trying to make me like her and whereas world is moving so fast. she has only one rule for me\" work and work\" which i try to do but still she will take my mistakes and when my hubby sits with her she will show to my hubby and start shouting in her room so that i can listen to her. i feel really miserable because when i see my kid i think after sometime this kid will understand what is his mother' s position at home and he will too behave in this way. today i am quite disturbed. today she was sick and telling all to my hubby what she was going through whereas doing my pregnency time she made my hubby realize that i am doing all drama to get attention. i could stay at home and do work. first of all she will create drama and will not eat from my hand and second of all i am just back after pregnency leave and if i keep on taking holidays again it will affect my reputation at office. so i told my hubby to drop me at office and he went back after that. i know she will say that i did not think of her sickness but she herself in front of all at home(My HUBBY and BIL) keeps saying that \" you dont matter to me, my sons are 110% better and they will take care of me\" . and i feel so humilated whenever she picks up fight. you dont know that scenerio she sits in her room, my hubby will be sitting with her and she will keep on using bad language about me and comparing me her relatives' s DILs whereas i have seen them and know how they speak bad about thier MILs in front of everybody. but she ownt understand. she stays in her own world wherever her motto is just to keep on doing work and work. you wont beleive, my parents gave steel dabbas with mithai for her relatives and she kept them and now in our kitchen we have all the things in them. so you can think before my marriage she did not have anything in kitchen. they bought cane sofa just before marriage before they had plastic tables at home. i just feel she is just one \" kaam wali\" she has just that attitude, she will make objection to everything we buy. when we bought AC for our room we had to buy for her too and all this has taken atleast 70000 for two ACs . she does not have table mats. eariler before marriage she used to use newspaper as a table mat. i can not really understand her mentality. i feel i am too becoming \" one kaam wali\" with her because i dont have social circle thanks to her and when i go to anybody' s home i feel ashamed of my living conditon. dont know what to do. and she feels really proud how she has saved some money by keeping her home like this. gg replied. dear suhani.../whgat was this ? comtiting suicide...? can u expain this to all uf us?
i am very very angry with u...i will never rply to u....
what rubbish is this? i know what ur going thru..god forbid it should nt happen if u go thru problems like all of us? u will kill urself ..in 1 sec...
n if all of us decide to do what ur doaing? then Dd, ritika, namita, others including me uwd hv been dead ...n u wud be wrting ur probs to our ghosts..
i seriously dont agree with u at all...we all hv probs ...we all hv mil...
if u wante d to commit suicde y didi u get mrrd? coz every female in this world has probs after mrrg..not even single girl in this world is mrrd without any probs....
i think first u should change ur mind...stop thinking of ending ur life...whats say ritika, namita...n others?
nto only u any girl who tries to end her life coz of mil' s prob i will say the same thing....
this is not the solution...
i will gv u in writing ..the day u die..trust..ur mil will be sitting next to ur corpse...n saying bad things about u...do u think any diff it wil l make to her never...
rather thatn killing urself i wud suggest pray to god that u get such sil that she makes ur mil life misrable... suhani replied. i just want to add now the situation at our home had improved because of baby. my BIL to takes care of him before he goes to office and whole day my MIL takes care. but my MIL keeps shouting at me after few days which i usually i dont reply. only this time all of this went out of proportion. all was going well but dont know what to do now....